Your Hardest Family Question: Have I been blind to the true nature of my marriage?

Question: 

Please! Help! My husband and I have lost our connection. It’s like having a roommate that I’m not even sure I like, but have sex with. We don’t talk about anything without it becoming a fuss. So we spend most of our time saying nothing, even if we are sitting in the same room. I’m still holding on to hope, as there was one point in our relationship that he was my everything. That was 15 yrs ago, but now I just hope we get through the day without fighting. I just don’t know where to start or if I can fix us. Sometimes I wonder if our whole relationship was just me being blind and he has always been like this.

Answer:

While it’s not unusual for couples to lose the strength of their connection as they coast through life, your marriage is experiencing more than just a little distance. It’s time to wake this marriage up and breathe some life into it. Realizations like this are actually great opportunities to reinvent the way you do things. If it’s not working for one of you, it’s not working for either of you.

For maximum impact, you’ll want to have a conversation with your husband outside the normal routine. This will require a change of scenery and plenty of time to really explore what each of you wants at this crossroad. If you have kids, get someone to watch them and take a road trip somewhere where you can talk, side by side. This isn’t a time to set ultimatums or make threats. It’s a time to each take turns describing what this marriage feels like and how you want it to be different.

He may not have much to say or he may argue with you. Both are understandable responses, as there will likely be a wide range of responses from both of you as you cover fifteen years worth of ground. Give yourselves plenty of space to talk through this so you can really hear each other. You might even agree to not solve anything this time around, but, instead, focus on just letting each other share without interruption.

Commit to him that you will stay in this conversation as long as he is willing to get this figured out with you. Even though there is certainly an urgency to get this figured out before the disconnection drops you into deeper despair, give yourself room to take as much time as you guys need. As long as the conversations continue to reveal more and allow you both to deepen your compassion and understanding for one another, stay with it.

If things get so shut down or explosive that there is no where else to turn, invite him to go visit a qualified marriage counselor with you so you guys can stay in conversation with one another. If you want to stay married, don’t give up. As Dr. Ed Tronick once said, “We thrive in the messiness of human connection. Without it, we wither.”

You can connect with Geoff Steurer at:

Website: www.geoffsteurer.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
Instagram: @geoffsteurer
Twitter: @geoffsteurer

About the Author

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, host of the podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and creates online relationship courses. He earned degrees from Brigham Young University and Auburn University. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.

Your Hardest Family Question: I’m being pushed away in my marriage

Question:

I’ve been married about 21 years. Six months after we got married we had our first child. When this happened, my wife utterly changed from being an easy-going person to being mean all the time. She developed a short temper, mood swings, became physically abusive toward me, and yelled at me constantly. When this happened, I felt betrayed. This was not the person I married anymore. This has continued for the entire marriage up until I had an affair. I felt like I was driven away from her. I wanted to feel connected again to a loving human being and not the person my wife had become. I have stayed in this relationship because I love her. Although it has gotten more tolerable over the years, she is now menopausal and has no interest in physical intimacy. I am so frustrated. I made the promise to myself to never do that again but again, I feel like I am being driven away from her. What do we do?

Answer:

If you’re serious about keeping your marriage together, you can do things differently this time. I don’t doubt the pain you’ve suffered in your marriage, but turning away from your wife toward another woman a second time isn’t going to soothe your aching heart. Your marriage has serious injuries that need immediate attention. You have to choose whether you’ll turn toward your marriage or turn away from it.

I have some tough feedback for you regarding your situation. Even though you feel your wife was difficult to live with early in your marriage, engaging in an affair has created additional damage that you will need to repair, regardless of how bad you’re currently hurting.

You’ve probably experienced a similar dynamic in your parenting. Have you ever gone over the top in disciplining your child for something they did wrong and overwhelmed them? Perhaps you yelled at them or scared them in your attempt to discipline them and they completely shut down. In that moment, you were faced with a choice. You could stay aggressive and pretend you didn’t just injure the relationship between the two of you, or you could back off, take accountability for your overreaction, and then address the original issue later.

Your affair was an overreaction to the pain you were feeling in your marriage. I recognize you have a lot of pain you want to share with your wife to let her know how difficult things have been in your marriage. There is a lot to share with her regarding how betrayed you have felt in her treatment of you over the years. She needs to repair those injuries with you so your marriage can heal. However, if you minimize the impact of the affair or justify having another one, you will never heal as a couple.

Lead out with accountability and remorse for the damage you’ve caused with your affair. Let her know that you want to restore trust with her and have a good marriage. I like the simple wisdom found in the song “Divisionary” by the band Ages and Ages

Do the right thing
Do it all the time
Make yourself right
Never mind them

Don’t you know you’re not the only one suffering?

If you want to save your marriage, don’t wait around for her to own her mistakes and make things right with you. Own your own betrayals and make them right. If she chooses not to take accountability for her behavior, you’ll have to make some difficult decisions about your relationship. Working with a marriage counselor who knows how to work with these issues will help you navigate this fragile process of repairing your bond. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure it doesn’t create more regret.

Chances are, if she sees that you’re willing to lead out with accountability and prove to her that you won’t choose anyone else, it will make it easier for her to see her own contribution to the marital dissolution and you can both actively work to repair the ways you’ve hurt one another. Even thought there is a lot of work to do, if you’re both turning toward each other to repair years of damage, it can hold both of you in place while you find your way back to each other.

You can connect with Geoff Steurer at:

Website: www.geoffsteurer.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
Instagram: @geoffsteurer
Twitter: @geoffsteurer

About the Author

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, host of the podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and creates online relationship courses. He earned degrees from Brigham Young University and Auburn University. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.