A Mother’s Memories: Those Things Happen

I’ve been sharing a few things on Meridian that I wrote while I was still a young mother that was collected into a pink book that now sits on my shelf.

My daughter dances. I remember watching her out the window when she was young, arms out-stretched, palms toward the sky, leaping and twirling and full of life, moving to music only she could hear.

As she has grown, she dances still. When most of us walk into a room, she dances. As she does the dishes, scraping scraps dutifully down the drain, she dances. She dances in front of picture windows so she can see how she moves, she dances when she walks in the door from school to show us a new step she’s learned, dances because there is something inside of her that is light and must dance.

So this explains why one night when she and her dad were grocery shopping she was dancing down the aisles of the supermarket, a low tango right past the tomato sauce, a lilting turn with a cocked chin before the Hamburger Helper. But the last move was an unexpected one both for her and for the grocery cart because she turned right into it, upsetting its brimming contents all over the aisle.

I can see this event in horrifying slow motion. The tomatoes hitting the floor with a squirt like a food commercial. The cans of green beans rolling fifteen feet. Bread smashed with the pattern of the cart on top of them. And the humiliation of it all when the word came over the store intercom, “Clean-up on aisle 16”

Laura looked up at her dad, fear behind her eyes, and then he did the most remarkable thing. He laughed. He laughed until she could, too, which took a moment because she had something to say first. “I was afraid, Dad.”

“What were you afraid of?” he asked.

“I was afraid you’d say I was stupid.”

“I could never say that,” he said as they turned the cart back over and retrieved what they could from the floor. No wonder she loves her dad.

I’ve done some thinking since that day when they both came home, arms intertwined, even closer than they had been before they left. What if it had been different? What if he had gotten mad at her, made her feel stupid, diminished, stopped her dancing with a withering frown?

We don’t want to stop our children’s dancing, for we start out life, each dancing in our own way until something smashes it out of us. We learn that we are wrong, make mistakes, fall on our faces, knock over grocery carts in the middle of our best pirouettes-and we stop dancing.

So we have decided something at our house. We have decided that both kids and parents make mistakes, and we don’t punish or berate anybody for that. Openly defy the rules, fight with a sibling, talk back to a parent-there are instant and sure consequences for these. But break a glass, disappoint yourself on a test, fumble while you learn, find out you didn’t know as much as you thought you did-even leave the hose running and flood the basement—we have a phrase that covers it. We say, “Those things happen.” And then we mop up and go on.

We say this phrase for a reason. It is because life teaches too many of us to be fearful. We feel we have to put up a facade of a perfect performance not to be belittled or not to dislike ourselves. Our self-images are so fragile that we cannot admit mistakes.

We learn to build walls of defense to protect ourselves. But the person who cannot make a mistake cannot grow-cannot be free. Every move has to be carefully calculated. He learns to try fewer and fewer things. She wants safety above all else.

I don’t want children whose primary concern is safety. I want them to blunder and try again, to dance in their own way and knock into whatever happens to be there. After all, those things happen when you are mortal and human and incomplete.

I don’t want to still the music in their souls. Laura dances. In the cool of evening, I like to watch her dance, expressing a love of life and an exuberance that marks her eternal soul. She hasn’t knocked over a grocery cart in a long time.

The Intellectual Life of A Stay-at-Home Mother

This article was originally published by Public Square Magazine. To read more from them, CLICK HERE.

“I feel so sorry for you.”

My relative’s words took me by surprise. We were enjoying an afternoon together at a big family gathering, immersed in a conversation completely unrelated to her abrupt and pitying sentence.

“Oh?”

“You must be so bored,” she said with compassion. “You’ve spent so many years on your education—reading the most difficult texts, solving complex legal problems. I can’t imagine how monotonous taking care of babies must feel compared to that. Do you ever miss the intellectual stimulation?”

Her tone was sincere. She genuinely worried I might not be enjoying my decision to put my legal career on hold—my decision to dedicate all my time and energy to my children. She wanted to make space for me to voice any frustrations or regrets.

But I had to tell her the truth: “Actually, parenting is the most intellectually stimulating thing I’ve ever done.”

And I meant it.

My relative’s words could have been my own five years earlier, when I assumed that life as a stay-at-home mother would be mundane, a waste of my potential, something I was too “smart” for.

At the conclusion of my bachelor’s degree, I dove headfirst into LSAT study, then entered law school, and then enrolled in every possible extracurricular. I set the stage for an illustrious legal career.

When my husband and I decided to welcome our first baby into our family halfway through law school, I didn’t expect much to change. Sure, I would have a child to take care of, but there was no way this little person would derail me from my ambitions.

Or so I thought.

Nothing could have prepared me for how wildly my first daughter would take over my heart and soul. As her birth approached, my legal career started to look less like the burning flame I thought it was and more like a meager candle—dim compared to the roaring sun of my daughter’s existence.

These feelings only escalated after Brea’s birth. The sacred trust of introducing another human into this world enveloped me. When I should have been studying for law school, I immersed myself in parenting books, striving to refine my personal parenting philosophy. The insights I gained lit up my mind and heart more than any legal text ever could.

I hung onto my career as long as I could. I graduated from law school, studied for and passed the bar exam, and worked part-time for a year. But from the moment Brea took her first breath, almost any time spent away from her was maddening. Listening to her cry for me while I worked—even though I knew she was safe with my husband—tore me to pieces.

When our second daughter, Scottie, was born, I quit my job as an attorney and changed my legal license to “inactive” status. And I haven’t looked back. Yes, legal work was incredibly intellectually challenging, but I haven’t lacked for intellectual stimulation one bit. If anything, stay-at-home motherhood feels more intellectually engaging than my career ever did.

In the months since my well-meaning relative suggested motherhood might bore me, I’ve reflected continually on why my answer was such an emphatic “not at all.” These reflections have turned into a list of all the ways motherhood fills my intellectual cup. I made this list for myself as a reminder of all the ways my mind can expand, even when my days might look outwardly mundane. But I’ve also felt compelled to share this list with other parents, especially parents wondering whether stepping away from paid work will mean stepping away from intellectual life.

My goal is not to tell any family what to do. I firmly believe that every family should pursue a life that aligns with their talents, interests, and values, in consultation with the Lord, regardless of societal or cultural norms. But I hope this list excites those who have chosen to parent full time: I hope it helps them revel in the opportunities that childrearing provides. And to anyone else, I hope it offers a different view of stay-at-home parenthood—the unveiling of a dimension beyond  dirty diapers and dino nuggets.

Motherhood Engages the Mind through Interpretation

Consider Your Child’s Perspective

“Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.” Matthew 7:12

One of the most challenging yet rewarding intellectual opportunities parenting provides is the chance to grow in compassion.

It isn’t easy, especially when your child is acting in a way that you could never imagine yourself acting. But asking yourself the right questions can get the gears turning:

• If I were acting the way my child is, why would I be doing it?
• If I were the child in this situation, how would I want an adult to respond to my behavior?
• What might be the good intentions behind this behavior?
• What unmet need might be driving this behavior?

As I have asked myself these questions, even some of my toddler’s most confusing behaviors have become understandable. Perhaps hitting the baby is her attempt to get attention and connection. Sometimes “pushing my buttons” is really just her trying to find a way to play.

Compassion doesn’t make harmful behavior acceptable. But it does help me understand and address the root causes of that behavior. And often, it turns down the emotional volume of the situation. It puts me into a collaborative, solution-oriented mindset rather than a defensive one.

Get Curious About Your Own Behavior

“But let a man examine himself.” 1 Corinthians 11:28

As a parent, I’ve taken a page out of my toddler’s book and am constantly asking myself the age-old question:

Why?

I’ve come to question everything that I do, especially when it’s impulsive or reactive. I don’t do this in a condemning way, but rather with curiosity and compassion. Where did I learn this response to a child’s behavior? When did I learn that this is what a “good” parent does, says, or looks like? If I were to treat an adult this way, would that go over well? If I were treated this way, would I feel inclined to trust and cooperate—or to resist and shut down?

As Roslyn Ross, author of “A Theory of Objectivist Parenting,” put it well: “Raising children is an act of philosophy.” When we become conscious of why and how we do the things we do, childcare can become an intentional expression of our most deeply cherished values.

Motherhood Engages the Mind through Attention

Journal

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord.” Psalm 77:11

A journal has the power to romanticize the mundane. I use mine to catalog the moments that make each day sparkle: the hilarious things that Brea says, the way “mama” was Scottie’s first word, the memories of pen pal–ing, fort building, and flower picking—all collected into my own little whimsical volume.

A journal is also a tool for mental rehearsal. In mine, I reflect on my most challenging moments as a parent and write out how I intend to respond to similar moments in the future. Writing out a game plan makes it easier to act in a way that I’m proud of once I meet the heat of the moment.

Indulge in a Sense of Awe

“O how great the goodness of our God.” 2 Nephi 9:10

Albert Einstein said, “The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious.” Nothing is more mysterious or beautiful than a newborn baby. When my first daughter was born, I was constantly awestruck by the miracle of her existence and the mystery of who she was and who she would become. Even the tiniest developmental steps felt like magic.

As our kids get older and our families grow, it can be easy to lose this sense of awe. But the truth is that every child at every age is just as worthy of wonder. Our kids are constantly changing, each day unveiling another piece of their unique spirits. Reminding myself of this truth helps me see beyond whatever the stresses of the day are and instead bask in the blessing of watching my children unfold right in front of me.

And often it is my children’s examples that remind me how else I might indulge in the awe and wonder of life. Hearing my kids point out all the wonders they notice as we go on walks or drive through town reminds me how much I’ve been taking for granted, and how much I could be using my brain to celebrate beauty instead of lamenting inconvenience.

Practice Presence

“Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.” Matthew 6:34

Amidst the modern world’s accelerating pace, parents have the opportunity to slow to the (literal) crawl of brand-new people. Our children show us the pace that humans are biologically wired for.

I enjoy practicing the art of being present without preoccupation. Finding moments to be with my children without any ulterior motives—no desire to teach, distract, entertain, or manipulate. Just taking them in; learning their hearts.

Motherhood Engages the Mind through Growth

Make Talent Development a Family Affair

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16

As parents, we sometimes obsess over stuffing our kids with a toolbox of talents. We simultaneously enroll them in ceramics, violin, gymnastics, and lacrosse, hoping our children grow into prodigies or Olympians.

But what if talent development were more of a team effort? What if it were less about parents managing their children’s careers and more about spending quality time together—time that is genuinely enjoyable and talent-enhancing for both parent and child?

For me, this looks like letting Brea measure and stir, sharing my passion for cooking delicious, healthy food. It’s challenging myself to improve my own lackluster drawing skills while Brea hones her mastery of the crayon. It’s reading a novel while nursing Scottie, with Brea nearby, flipping through picture books. It’s my husband taking Brea to the skate park in the evenings, letting her zoom around on her scooter while he practices skateboard tricks.

Set Flexible Goals

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.” 2 Nephi 31:20

In our efforts to help our children “become something,” it’s easy to forget that we, too, are still in the process of becoming. Setting personal goals has been integral to my own sense that I am still “myself” as a parent.

Yet parenting requires flexibility, and one of the biggest learning curves for me has been learning to pursue my goals and plans even when they inevitably get derailed. Sometimes, a dirty diaper demands to be changed before a podcast episode can be recorded or a 5K can be run. The good news is that flexibility is a hallmark of mental health. While goals can foster self-improvement, learning to navigate unpredictability also boosts self-efficacy.

Strengthen the Muscles of Your Character

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance.” Galatians 5:22–23

I have grown to enjoy practicing all the traits I want to embody—patience, kindness, confidence—especially when they are tested. I have come to see each tantrum, “power struggle,” and milk spill as a workout for my character: an opportunity to dig deep and be the person I want to be, even when resistance is high. Although none of us will be perfect when we do this, each challenge is an opportunity to get stronger.

And when we are not in the midst of a “character workout,” we can work to cultivate our internal dialogue. I am learning to speak to myself with compassion and empowerment—the exact same way you would want your kids to speak to themselves.

See Through the Savior’s Eyes

Most poignant to me is how parenthood has driven me to the Savior. I’ve gone beyond asking, “What would Jesus do?” and now contemplate, “How would Jesus see, think, and feel in this situation?” I can think of nothing more intellectually engaging than trying to mirror the mind and heart of Jesus Christ.

I am only two and a half years into my journey as a parent. I don’t have it all figured out.

But this is why parenting is so intellectually fulfilling for me. Each day meets me with an abundance of lessons to learn. I get to figure life out, all over again, alongside my children. Teaching my kids what it means to be human is cracking me open and forcing me to learn the same lessons. It is challenging, humbling, and more rewarding than I could have ever imagined.

And while I am confident I’ll one day return to the legal career that once filled my intellectual cup, I’m more than satisfied with the overflow God is pouring in during this crayon-filled season.

Some Examples of Godly Parenting

When our daughter Sara was about 4 years old she observed one of our teenage foster children dusting items on the mantel. Sara was intrigued by the vase that was among those things. She asked her foster sister if she would hand her the vase. The automatic reaction was: “No! You’re too little. You’ll break it.” Naturally this response did not satisfy Sara’s interest in the vase. And it hurt her feelings.

Sara found her mother in the kitchen. Nancy was not aware of the vase discussion between Sara and her foster sister. Once again Sara made her request (in whatever words a 4 year old uses) to hold the vase. Nancy did several brilliant and relationship-building things. First, she took Sara’s hand as they headed into the living room and answered, “Sure, Sara. But did you know that vases are breakable? Would you mind climbing up on the sofa and I will bring the vase to you?” (If we have the child stand on the rock hearth while we nervously watch her handle the vase, we are only setting her up for failure.)

Sara was glad to sit on the sofa. Nancy got the vase and did another brilliant thing: she handed the vase to Sara so that she could feel its weight and texture. She had control of her experience. And Nancy did another relationship building thing: she sat by Sara and talked with her about what she saw, about the markings on the vase, about what it meant to the family. When Sara had held the vase long enough, she said, “Thanks, Mom.” And Nancy replied, “Sure, Dear. If you ever want to see the vase again, just come and get me.”

What Nancy did was more than politeness. The net effect was to strengthen a relationship and to help a little person grow in her knowledge and confidence while respecting reasonable limits.

The previous articles in this series have detailed the key processes of effective parenting:

1. Be a flourishing person: When we personally are flourishing—vibrant, happy, and connected to God—we bring a peacefulness and goodness to our relationships with our children. It also opens us up to the inspiration of heaven.

2. Have compassion: When we have heartfelt compassion for our children, we humbly seek to understand their development, individuality, circumstances, and their hearts. This prepares us to act wisely and in their best interests.

3. Nurture: When we wholeheartedly and wisely love our children, we offer them love, joy, and peace. We provide the ideal environment for them to develop toward godliness.

4. Guide: When our objective in all guidance attempts is to help our children learn to use their agency well, we help them become strong, resilient, and sensible people. We teach them to listen to their own inner voices and guide their lives by eternal principles.

We can wisely manage parenting challenges by applying these four principles. For example, consider a child who is playing happily with his toys when a neighbor child comes to ask if he can come out to play. You are fine with having the two children play together outside, but you have a rule that toys must be picked up before children go out to play. You have many options. Let’s consider how various options honor or dishonor the four principles.

You might say, “You cannot go out and play. You have not put away your toys.” That response honors lawfulness (one part of guidance) but shortchanges both compassion and nurture.

You might say, “Son, you may go outside to play if you promise to pick up your toys when you come back in.” This response seems to honor compassion and nurture but sends an unhealthy message about rules. Ignoring rules is not good evidence of love; rather it shows our own insecurity and desire to win the good will of our children.

You might say, “Son, as soon as you put your toys away, you may go outside.” This may be pretty close to a good solution—but I think it skimps on nurture. It can be stark and confrontational. The heart of nurturing is that we help children move toward goodness.

Consider the following possibility: “Would you like to go outside, Son?” This question may seem like a no-brainer. Yet, even if the child is almost certain to affirm his interest, you have shown that you are tuned in to the key question: What is your desire? Let’s assume that he expresses enthusiastic interest in going outside. You can say with equal enthusiasm: “Won’t that be fun! You start putting away the toys while I go get your shoes.”

With this option we show respect for rules and accountability, but we also show regard for our child’s heart and desires. A key point is that we add our energy in support of his interest. We might offer to help with putting away the toys or any other task that facilitates the accomplishment of the objective. However, if we are putting away the toys while the child heads for the door, we have not effectively taught responsibility. We gladly help our children, but we do not do their work for them.

You can see that all four of the core principles should be used together in combination to provide balanced and effective parenting. The Lord tells us to “see that all these things are done in wisdom and order” (Mosiah 4:27).

As Children Mature

The same principles apply to parenting teens—but the application must respect their growing maturity. For example, many years ago when our 16-year-old son, Andy, asked for permission to go to Lake Chewacla on a forthcoming Friday with his soccer-team buddies, I asked him questions and involved him as much as possible in making the decision.

“Tell me about the activity, Son.” Andy described eating, fun, and swimming.

“Do you feel good about the doings?”

“Sure, Dad. They’re good guys.”

“Is there anything that you’re worried about?”

“No.” [Long pause] “Well, some of the guys use marijuana, but I’m not interested so it won’t be a problem.”

There is a key point here. Andy has just been honest with me in disclosing some worrisome details. If I react to that information by immediately forbidding him to go, he will likely decide there is no benefit in being honest with me. In the future, he may feel the best course is to hold back any information I might not like. He may become deceptive. And then I would be continually suspicious of him. There is a better way.

“Do you see any problems with some of the guys using marijuana?”

“No. If I’m not using it, it shouldn’t be a problem.” Andy paused. “Do you see any problem, Dad?”

“Two potential problems come to mind. If the party is busted, the police may consider you to be guilty by association. Also, knowing the mischievousness of your friends, I could imagine some of them chopping marijuana up and slipping it into your salsa or brownies.”

Andy laughed. “I’ll be careful, Dad.” He clearly wanted to go.

Fortunately, Andy was asking early in the week. I invited him to think about it. We could talk about it after we both had time to reflect on the decision.

A day or two later, Andy re-opened the discussion: “Dad, I guess I don’t need to be at that party. Do you mind if I invite some of my friends to our house for food, music, and ziplining?” We were delighted to have them come. Our house became the drug-free party site.

What if Andy had thought it over and still wanted to go to the party? Parents cannot say yes to something they don’t feel good about. But even though we have to say no to the request, we can still honor the principles of effective parenting. We can have a conversation that invites our teen to share his/her perspectives and desires.

Just a side note: Nancy and I have had many foster children in our home over the years. Some of them we have allowed to go to parties where marijuana was used—even by them. The reason we let them go was not because we did not care about them. We let them go because such parties were not the beachhead for influencing them. Teens whose lives were filled with bad choices must be helped line upon line. We might start by encouraging respect for other people and good friendship choices. We are more interested in drawing them toward the light than in driving them from the darkness.

The Other Purpose of Parenting

Sometimes we focus on only one set of parenting outcomes: the effects on children. God is interested in that outcome. He is also interested in the effects on parents.

Parenting is a significant and soul-stretching challenge. God has a purpose within those challenges. He wants us as parents to be changed, refined, and enlarged even as we strive to grow our children. God knows that earthly parenting is ideal preparation for heavenly parenting. He wants us to ultimately join Him in His work of blessing His children.

Any sensible mortal will be daunted by the prospect of parenting in the way that Father does. We all fall short. We are short-sighted, impatient, narrow-minded, self-serving, and limited. We regularly fail to act wisely and graciously. Yet God teaches us the process.

In characteristic manner, God gives us an impossible task—like building a zoo ark, crossing the raging Red Sea, or strolling coolly in a fiery furnace. God likes to challenge us beyond our capacity. He keeps hoping that those types of challenges will cause us to turn to Him and draw on heavenly power. He wants us to experience His miraculous and transformative power.

If we were to paraphrase in modern terms the words of the ancient apostle Paul, who was an expert at challenges, he might have said: “I just love it when my weaknesses and inability are so conspicuous. I am thrilled when I am persecuted and tortured. It is in times of such extremity that my abundant weakness is outshone by God’s great power and goodness. Such times testify most clearly of God’s amazing ability and willingness to give me strength and to rescue His children” (paraphrase of 2 Corinthians 12:10). Godly parenting is one of many things that is impossible for humans on their own, but is fully possible in partnership with God (see Matthew 19:26).

God Provided Instructions

Behold I say unto you that this thing shall ye teach—repentance and baptism unto those who are accountable and capable of committing sin; yea, teach parents that they must repent and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little children, and they shall all be saved with their little children. (Moroni 8:10)

What a remarkable passage! God is teaching us that we must repent, be humble, and make covenants with God so that both we and our children can be saved. In other words, we cannot succeed in parenting without the spiritual processes He has taught from the beginning of time.

What does this repenting and humbling ourselves look like? My guess is that you remember times when you have been especially earnest and humble, when you have set aside frustration and sought the mind and will of God. As you make Heavenly Father your partner in this sacred task, you will find joy in parenting.

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Better and Poorer Kinds of Guidance in Parenting

One evening a mother was busily preparing a birthday party for one of her adult friends. Unfortunately, she had not figured out how to manage her young children while getting the party ready. She was overwhelmed with party preparations and the children tended themselves. 

As people began to arrive, the five-year-old daughter became focused on the beautifully decorated cake on the table. The girl reached to get a finger-full of frosting. Mom saw the daughter and threatened her: “Don’t you dare touch that cake!” Daughter withdrew her hand—but not her interest. When mom got busy with other preparations, the daughter snatched a section of cake. When mom discovered the offense, she exploded: “I told you to leave that cake alone! Go to your room!” 

Mom had good intentions—but set her daughter up for failure. She might have moved the cake. She might have busied her daughter with a task. “Would you help me put out the napkins and plates?” She might have provided the daughter with a snack. She might even have cut the daughter a piece of cake. A very proactive parent might even have created a separate cake for the children to enjoy. But when we bark orders without attending to their needs and interests, we guarantee problems. 

Often, we do the wrong things in parenting because we have lost sight of our real objectives. We may react to children’s “misbehavior” with poorer motives:

1. Stop the noise and confusion
2. “Teach them a lesson”
3. Make them suffer for misdeeds

Most confusing of all for children, we sometimes react to their behavior only when our mood makes it annoying to us; they never know when inappropriate behavior will be laughed at, ignored, scolded, or punished. The very same behavior can elicit vastly different responses based on our current state of irritation. This does not teach children to respect laws or lawgivers. 

The objectives listed above don’t have an honored place as parenting objectives. There is a higher purpose for parental guidance than ministering for the law of justice. The ultimate purpose of good guidance is to teach children to use their agency well. This is a vital—and challenging—objective; it will not be accomplished without wise and consistent effort.

We don’t merely want our children to follow our rules, though we are generally glad when they do; we want them to internalize standards so that, when we are not around to govern them, the inner sense of right and wrong still is. We want them to develop inner standards of goodness. We want something far more than compliance; we want moral development. This requires a very different kind of parenting from “natural man” parenting.

Three Kinds of Control

Research has shown that parents’ attempts to control children can usually be divided into three categories. 

Control by Power

The first is power assertion or coercion. We can use force—including spanking, threats, rewards, and punishment—to control children. This technique gets compliance as long as we have more power than our children and are present to exercise that power. But this technique does not effectively teach children an inner set of values, i.e., moral internalization or conscience. 

As you might expect, the use of power results in undesirable outcomes. Children of parents who regularly use power assertion are more likely to be either passive or rebellious. Neither of those outcomes is good. We don’t want children who surrender their agency to powerful others and we don’t want children who senselessly fight against authority. Yet those are the likely outcomes of using power to control children. Parental use of power also results in lower social competence and moral development in children. 

One very popular form of coercion involves shaming and scolding children. Some parents might suppose that scolding and shaming are acceptable ways of helping children understand when they are behaving irresponsibly. We may think of this as the quickest way of letting our children know they are out-of-line. But let’s consider scolding from our children’s perspective.

Scolding and punishment frighten children. Their natural tendency when scared is to cling to their mother [or father], but she [or he] is the one doing the scolding, and in doing so she is pushing the child away from her. This causes additional anxiety, and the child is frustrated—unable to act on his or her natural impulse for safety. The people who are supposed to shield the child from anxiety and comfort the child are instead the source of an anxiety from which the child can find no shelter. This means that repeated and/or severe scolding may damage the child’s fundamental trust (Sigsgaard, 2005, p. 143).

One of the unintended effects of scolding and other forms of punishment and coercion is that children feel lost. In a confusing and hostile world, they have no advocate or friend. It is no wonder that coercion has negative outcomes when used as a control technique. Coercion does not respect children and does not teach them how to operate in a confusing world.

Control by Love Withdrawal

The second control technique is called love withdrawal. This involves any action by parents that suggests that they won’t sustain a relationship with children who act in certain ways. Heaping guilt on children can be a form of love withdrawal. Timeouts can also be experienced as love withdrawal if they communicate to children that their parents don’t want anything to do with them because of their mistakes.

Research shows that love withdrawal is not consistently constructive or destructive. It can cause children to feel guilty and insecure. It does not reliably get compliance and it does not encourage moral development. But the larger concern for earnest parents is that love withdrawal focuses on emotional manipulation; it does not teach children better ways to use their agency. Instead, it teaches them to feel unsafe and unsure in their own lives.

Control by Induction

There is a third kind of control that is far more effective than power assertion or love withdrawal at helping children learn wise use of their agency. Scholars sometimes call it induction which is defined as actions by the parents that attempt to influence and persuade children to do what is right. It involves helping children understand the effect of their behavior on others and themselves. It provides explanations and reasons and minimizes the use of power.

Parents who use induction are far more likely to have children who are socially competent, more independent, more able to control their impulses, and more responsible. Maybe most important of all, such children have better moral internalization; they do what is right because it is right. They do not require guards and enforcers.

God’s Kind of Control

The first time I studied the scholarly definition of induction, I was amazed by how similar it is to what God has recommended as the process for influencing other people. I will use His words and add a little commentary in brackets to connect His words to research and experience.

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood [or parenthood], only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, [Wow! That is pure induction!] which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— [We are more effective when we use respectful methods! Our souls are enlarged!]

Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost [not when irritated and tired—only when directed by God’s holy messenger]; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death. [YIKES! The child must know the immense power of our commitment to them!] (D&C 121:41-44, emphasis added)

Notice that God recommends patient persuasion, humble kindness, authentic love, and heavenly knowledge. Phew. This is a tall order for humans. It seems that God wants to stretch us earthly parents to be more like Him.

Parenting on Earth

What does godly parenting look like when enacted by imperfect, human parents? Where are we most likely to fail along the way?

We have a smart, energetic grandson whose energy exceeds his impulse control by a sizeable margin. Naturally he regularly bumps into life and people. When he, his sister, and I play basketball at our house, it is not very long before the boy’s lunge at the ball collides with his sister. She goes sprawling and scrapes her hand or knee. The scrape combined with the surprise leaves her hurt and sad. If we want to teach the boy to play basketball without tackling his sister, what can we do?

If we favor coercive methods (or we are simply tired and frustrated), we may lecture the boy, punish him, tell him that he is through with basketball for the day, or remove privileges. All of these are likely to make him more resentful of parents rather than more mindful of his sister.

Love withdrawal takes a different approach. It might include one of those “I’m-so-disappointed-in-you” lectures. It might insist that he go to his room for an extended period. It might even entail name-calling—suggesting that the son is a disappointment. This would make the boy lonelier rather than more considerate.

What does wise induction recommend? In a perfectly calm and cordial manner, I ask him to sit down nearby and think about what he needs to do differently. He sits. His sister and I play basketball for a couple of minutes. Then I go sit by him. “Can you tell me what went wrong?” He immediately and naturally blames: “She got in the way!” 

I calmly say, “Why don’t you take a couple more minutes to see if you can figure out what you can do differently to play well with your sister.” He does not need to do his sister’s repenting. A couple minutes later, I sit by him again. “Can you tell me what you can change?” Usually he is ready to repent: “I dove for the ball and ran into sister.” 

Induction invites children to consider the effect of their behavior on others. “Yeah. What was that like for sister?”

“She got hurt.”

“You’re right. She got painful scrapes. We try to never hurt each other. What can you do differently?”

“I need to watch for her and not run into her.”

“Would you be willing to do that?”

He sighs, “Yeah.” 

“Are you ready to try again?”

We go back to basketball without any insults, threats, or punishments. I know from experience that he will be reckless with his sister again at some point. When that happens, we will repeat this procedure as many times as we need to. Children need more than one encounter with reason and compassion to learn those principles. Effective parenting takes time, consistency and patience. It takes many sessions of patient teaching. 

Induction is the key to teaching responsible behavior. But induction does not include lecturing, guilting, isolating, hurting, or punishing. It is lovingly shepherding a child’s mind and heart toward understanding how to live mindfully and responsibly in the world.

The next article will consider ways to bring heartfelt compassion, healthy nurturing, and wise guidance into effective harmony.

Reflection and application:

Think of a recent disciplinary encounter with a child that didn’t go very well. Can you see how you could have used induction rather than power assertion or love withdrawal? How would you use induction to be effective with your child? What could you do to help your child learn to be considerate of others?

Invitation:

We have just completed an inspiring marriage retreat in Alpine, Utah. You and your spouse are invited to the next marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally Goddard. It will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreat will be on September 12, 2026, again in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. Hurry! The seats go quickly. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.

 

More than Superficial Emotion: The Demanding Work of Real Love in Families

When I was a high school teacher, one of my students came to me after class and told me how he loved to go up to a nearby reservoir, crawl through the marsh, and watch the ducks.  He asked if I would like to join him at 6 a.m. on the following Saturday.  That time on Saturday morning is usually pretty committed for me. But I thought it might be interesting.  And I was pleased that the student would invite me to join him.

At the appointed time we went and watched the ducks.  I enjoyed it.  

A few weeks later the same student came to visit again.  He told me that his father had arranged to take him big game hunting.  He had arranged a lodge, a guide, horses, permits . . ..  My reaction was, “Wow!  That’s a big trip!  I guess you are excited!”  

The student thought for a long time.  Then he mused, “No. Not really. I wish my dad would go with me to watch the ducks.”

We all aspire to give and receive love: warmth, caring, closeness, sharing. The modern ideal of love is full of golden light and warm feelings.

But Heavenly Father is not content with superficial emotion. He wants something more substantial, so He gives us families where we are challenged to move beyond gauzy sentiment to real love—love that is lived not only on days when family life is endearing and rewarding, but also on days when it is frustrating and difficult. 

Families share limited resources, from apple pie to bathroom time to a clothing budget. Because of their many years together, family members are often pre-sensitized to faults and behavior patterns in each other. (“Why can’t you remember your homework?” Why can’t you ever put away your dirty socks?”) And family members often have a front row seat on one another’s greatest weaknesses and deepest humiliations.  What better testing ground could there be for love than family life?

More than Feelings and Words

In families, we learn that love is something more than a feeling. Parental love is a commitment to always act in the best interests of the child—even when it is inconvenient.  And we learn that love is much more than saying “I love you.” Words will not be convincing if our actions communicate something different. In families, we learn that our job as parents is to be the flesh and blood messengers of God’s love into the lives of our children.

How can we move beyond feelings and words to make love a tangible reality for our children? Here’s where nurture comes in. The best definition of nurture is behavior that helps the child feel supported and valued—even cherished. 

What can we learn about nurture from Heavenly Father? As we study His dealings with His children, we see four key behaviors that can help us learn to nurture as He does.

Lesson One—Making Time

The first lesson about love that we can learn from Father may be to make time for our children. That might seem quite easy for an Eternal Being, but it is hard for time-bound mortals. In fact, it is a deliberate test of our commitment.

Parenting is reliably inconvenient. Children frequently require our attention when we have other plans or pressing tasks. Yet the path to eternal joy cuts directly through sacrificing our time and convenience to bless the little people in our lives. “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these . . . ye have done it unto me” (Matthew 25:40).

I remember when my son, Andy, caught me one evening just as I was dashing off to a church meeting. He told me that his leg had hurt all day. He thought something might be seriously wrong with it. Anxiety was written on his face. He wanted me to help him, and I wanted to be a good dad. But I felt trapped. I had to go to a meeting. 

I was tempted to minimize his pain: “It’ll get better. It’s probably just growing pains. You’ll be okay.” I even thought about dismissing his concern: “Andy, don’t complain so much. We took you to the doctor when you had chest pains and it was nothing.” But I knew those approaches would not help. In desperation I suggested, “Andy, I am going to a meeting. It will not last long. May I pick you up after the meeting? We will go out for dessert and talk about it. Is that all right?” Andy readily agreed. 

After the meeting, I dashed home, picked up Andy, and we went to a restaurant of his choosing. We ate dessert and played tic-tac-toe on the paper placemats. We talked. And his leg didn’t hurt anymore. I am not saying that the leg pain was invented. I am saying that many of life’s pains will pass without crisis when we feel loved, and our children feel loved when we make time for them.

Lesson Two—The Power of Listening

The second lesson of Father’s example of loving is that He listens. He does not prepare His retort as we talk. He does not argue about our logic or about the facts of the case. He just listens. And He patiently waits until we have gotten it all out. He gives us His full attention.  

Listening is a great gift of love. And when we add gentle understanding, the gift is celestial.

I think of the boy who arrived home from school sullen and angry. When his mother asked him what was wrong he insisted that nothing was. (As parents we may also be tempted to protest “You think you had a bad day! Let me tell you about mine!” This is not listening. It is not an effective way to communicate compassion.) 

Later his mother tried again. “You seem upset, son.” The son glowered, then exploded: “On the way home from school the bus driver yelled at me, blamed me for stuff I didn’t do, and he called me names.” 

What would be your reaction if the boy were your son? Commonly parents have one of two reactions. They blame the bus driver (“No one will treat my son that way!”), or they blame the child (“Why are you always getting in trouble? You make me crazy!”). In both responses the parents immediately focus on their own reaction to what the child has said. In both cases the parents process the situation and decide who is to blame.  Neither response helps the child because neither helps the child to feel heard and understood.

The son has just expressed anger and pain over his humiliation. He needs healing compassion. “Ouch, Son. It must have hurt to be humiliated in front of your friends. You probably felt embarrassed and angry.” The willingness “to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” is the way that we “stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places” (Mosiah 18:9). Father comforts. He invites us to do the same for His burdened children.

Some parents worry that such understanding may seem to endorse the son’s behavior. “What if he really was a troublemaker on the bus? He needs to be accountable for his behavior!” 

Accountability is a true principle, but so is compassion. There is a way to reconcile the two. First we listen, understand, and mourn with him. This sends a clear message: “I care about your feelings. I want to understand. You are important to me.” After that message has been understood, after the boy feels peaceful again, then a sensitive parent may say, “Son, that was a very hard experience. Can you think of anything you can do to be sure it doesn’t happen again?” Maybe he needs to sit with different friends on the bus. Maybe he needs to avoid certain behaviors that annoy the driver. Maybe he needs to talk to the driver about bus-riding expectations. The boy probably can think of some very wise and sensible ideas to prevent further trouble. But before he can move on to thinking about and buying into solutions, healing needs to take place. And the wise parent heals with listening and understanding. 

Lesson Three—Customized Messages

The third way that Father shows us love is by customizing messages to our unique natures. He speaks to each of us in our own language. 

Scott is an earnest Latter-day Saint who is looking for peace and insight in his life. Father gives him peace and insight. Nancy is looking for opportunities to serve. Father gives her beloved friends who need her. Wally is looking for joy. Joy is what he consistently finds. “Every man heard them speak in his own language” (Acts 2:6). Nephi observed that God “speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding” (2 Nephi 31:3).

In this world, people’s exchanges of love can often be organized into three groups: telling, showing, and touching. 

Telling: For some people it is critically important to hear the words: “I love you.” 

Showing: Some people feel loved most strongly when someone does something for them—serving them or investing in the relationship with them. 

Touching: There are people who love to cuddle, hold hands, and be close. Most of us (and our children) want some combination of the three methods.

How can we design messages for each of our children that will be more effective in conveying our love? We can ask them what things help them feel loved. We can also notice those things that seem to be most effective. For each child the language is different. 

Customizing our messages does not free us from investing significant time with our children. We do both. We invest time but we do it in wise ways that fit our children’s preferences. Andy valued mountain biking together. It was important to Emily that we take interest in her craft projects. Sara cherished peaceful walks together. Each child requires us to make time to be with him or her in a unique, customized way. To nurture more effectively, we should follow Father’s example and tailor our messages of love for each of our children. 

Lesson Four—Make Allowance for Growth and Learning

Because of Father’s love, He sees beyond our mistakes. When Moses refused to believe that Father could fill his mouth, Father did not berate or give up on Moses. He gave him Aaron. Even after Peter had been so shamefully irresolute, Father drew him up to lead the ancient church.

If we are to be effective as parents, we must make allowances for our children’s growth and learning. They need us to see beyond their unskilled efforts to their earnest desires.

Some parents worry about spoiling their children with too much support, encouragement, and love. But love is different from indulgence, and I suspect that no one was ever spoiled by too much love. We can teach, guide and hold children accountable while still reassuring them that they are deeply loved and valued.

There are times when being loving is especially hard. Nancy and I learned a powerful lesson about love with one of our teenage foster children. She argued with us regularly and lied to us often. We repeatedly felt irritated with her, which made it very hard to react to her helpfully. But we learned that even when we were irritated, we could ask ourselves, “What would we do IF we really loved her?” We learned to act on a gracious concern even when we did not feel loving. It helped us make kinder, wiser decisions in our relationships with her in spite of her challenging behavior.

The next time your child makes mistakes or behaves in a challenging manner, you can consider, “How would I react if I really loved this child in this moment?”  Seeing beyond that moment to your child’s earnest heart will help you teach and correct in a way that causes your child to feel safe in your love and guidance.

A Higher Kind of Love

Taking time, listening, customizing messages and seeing beyond mistakes are vital ways that we nurture our children. But ultimately there is a higher kind of love. It is called charity. The pure love of Christ. It is a gift, a divine gift. 

“Love one another as I have loved you” is His command (John 13:34, emphasis added). We are to love literally as He does, but maybe charity is not possible for mere mortals unaided by Heaven. It is, after all, divine love. And only when we are filled with Him do we love as He does. 

Family is a great testing ground. We may learn the fundamentals of love and nurture in our families, but when we feel stretched beyond our puny capacities, we must call out for heavenly help. Among other things, family life can teach us our desperate, constant need for His example, teachings, and sustaining power.

Reflection and application:

Think of each of your children. How does each prefer to be loved? How does each like to spend time with you?

How can you better customize your messages of love for each of your children? Make a plan. Try out your plan. Adapt the plan as you learn and your child changes.

Invitation:

You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally Goddard that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreat will be on April 11, 2026, in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. Hurry! There are only a few seats left! To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.

The Single Biggest Factor in Parenting

Terry was a kindergartener. He showed up at school one day with a note pinned to his jacket. He worked his way around the classroom proudly displaying his note to classmates. Eventually the teacher spotted the note and asked:

“Terry, you have a note. Would you like me to read it?”

Terry beamed: “Yes, I would.”

The teacher removed the note and read: “Terry was unhappy this morning because his sister had a note and he did not. Now Terry has a note and he is happy.”

That wise parent understood what it means to love her son.

The Parenting House

In this series on godly parenting, we have described the footers for our parenting house as our personal well-being — especially our relationship with God. A parent with a vibrant relationship with God is far more likely to be an excellent parent than one who is conflicted about his or her relationship with the Eternal.

Resting on footings is the foundation of the parenting structure which is our compassion for our children, our tenderness and openness to our children’s needs, preferences, and circumstances. This challenging process draws us out of our own world and invites us to understand and appreciate the child’s world.

Next comes the body of the parenting house formed by companion processes, nurturance and guidance. Guidance of children is not effective in the absence of nurture. And nurture without guidance is indulgence. These two processes must be yoked as equal partners.

Most of us are much better at one than the other. Maybe we are good at setting limits — but we struggle to be consistently loving and nurturing. Or maybe we are warm and loving—but we find it difficult to set limits and enforce them effectively. We all fall short in parenting in one way or another.

This imperfection should not surprise or discourage us. All of us are imperfect people who are unable to be what we must be without divine help. Parenting is designed to challenge us toward godliness.

Mormon reminds us to “teach parents that they must repent and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little children, and they shall all be saved with their little children” (Moroni 8:10, emphasis added). When we become humble as little children, we become better parents. Learning to be good parents is one of God’s favored ways of making us more godly.

The Vital Role of Nurture

Research is clear about the vital role of nurture; nothing matters more for helping children become good human beings than being loved and cherished by good human beings. This is one of the strongest and most consistent findings of decades of research.

More importantly, it agrees with the direction we are given by the ultimate Parent:

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. (John 13:34-35)

The test of godly parenting is whether we love as Jesus loves. Anything less leaves us short of the standard for disciples.

How Does Jesus Love?

It is obvious that Jesus’ love is extraordinary. His whole heart, might, mind, and strength are dedicated to us. “He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him” (2 Nephi 26:24). He loves us completely, sacrificially, and redemptively. He is bound to us by covenant.

You can see the remarkable truth. In asking us to love Him with all our hearts, He is only asking us to do what He has already done for us. In asking us to love our children with all our hearts, He is only asking what He Himself continues to do perfectly. As in all things good, He leads the way.

With God, All Things Are Possible

If you are like me, you are haunted by the impossibility of the task. I am weak, fickle, and self-serving. How can I love as He loves? How can a fallen human love divinely?

The great sermons and examples throughout scripture show us the pattern:

1. We recognize His greatness, goodness, graciousness, and willingness.

2. We recognize our inability to do as we are required to do unaided by the grace of Christ.

3. We hunger for divine aid.

4. We cry out for mercy following the scriptural pattern: “O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me.” (See, for example, Alma 36:18).

5. We continue in faithfulness, striving to make Jesus our co-parent.

Ultimately the only way we can love as we should is to be changed by Christ, filled by Him, and captained by Him (as President Benson suggested). There is no other way — even in the specific domain of parenting. He is the way, the truth, and the life in family life just as He is in our spiritual journeys.

“Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me” (John 14:6). And no family makes its way to Heaven without Jesus.

I hope this idea doesn’t cause you to feel impatient: “Enough already. I accept that I need Jesus’ help. When are we going to get to the real ideas, the practical tools?” I hope that instead of simply giving this concept a mere “head nod” of acceptance before moving on, you join me in supplication: “O Jesus, Thou Son of God, grant me goodness, and graciousness. Give me the eternal vision and the enlarged heart. Grant me mercy that I may show mercy.”

Being filled with Jesus is the most practical method of improving our parenting. I’m certain you have noticed that when you are filled with His characteristic goodness, helpful parenting flows naturally from you. I invite you to try the five steps listed above. Make Jesus your parenting partner.

In the next article I will describe some of the practical and specific ways this heavenly mindset can change our parenting. Effective nurturing is the single most important thing we do as parents.

Reflection and application:

Have you felt your need for Jesus? Have you felt His amazing love fill you with joy and spill into your relationships? What helps you to experience that love more in your life? What are you willing to do to make that love a part of every week, every day of your life?

Have you tried calling on Him for mercy both in times of challenge and in your everyday life? Will you?

Invitation:

You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally Goddard that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreat will be on April 11, 2026, in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. Hurry! There are only a few seats left! To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.

Parenting: Having Compassion for Your Child’s Humanness

Flora, age six, complained that “lately” she had been receiving fewer presents than her brother.  Her mother did not deny the complaint. Neither did she explain to Flora that her brother was older and so deserved more. Nor did she promise to right the wrong. She knew that children are more concerned about the depth of their relationships with parents than about the size and number of gifts. Her mother said, “You wonder if I love you as much as him?”  Without adding another sentence, she embraced her Flora, who responded with a smile of surprise and pleasure. This was the end of a conversation that could have become an endless argument. [pp. 19-20, Between Parent and Child, 2003, by Haim Ginott, revised by Alice Ginott and H. Wallace Goddard] 

In previous articles, we have discussed the foundational role of compassion in parenting as well as three kinds of understanding that facilitate helpful compassion:

1. Understanding development: recognizing that many of the irritating things children do are an important and normal part of their development
2. Understanding their unique temperaments or personalities: recognizing that each child has a unique way of navigating life—and, with compassion, we learn to accept and value his or her way
3. Understanding their circumstances: being tuned into the stresses and demands in their lives so that we can be compassionate and supportive

You may already see an important theme developing: Children do what they do for reasons that make sense to them. Children do not cry at night because they love to make us suffer. They do not fight with their siblings because they are hateful people. In every case they do what they do in order to survive and flourish. Their actions may not be the best approach, but they are motivated by some perceived need in their lives.

There is an important corollary to this observation: When we think that their behavior is crazy or irrational, we do not understand them. Our indignation at their irrationality is a sign that we need to stretch our compassion. 

Notice how beautifully this truth fits with God’s objective of engaging us with each other redemptively. Our feeling of irritation is always a call for us to be more humble and compassionate. It invites us to be open to one of God’s still-developing children. This is a test of our readiness to do what God does: offer compassion to strugglers and learners.

So, for me, the fourth kind of understanding that draws holy compassion is understanding humanness or fallenness. We all share that desperate fallenness. We all need compassion for each other.

Have you ever felt lost, hurt, and desperate? Have you cried out in the dark for compassion? Have you yearned for someone to pick up your battered and injured soul along the road of life, bind up your wounds, and carry you to healing?

I have. And I have been amazed at the compassion that Jesus offers me. My stupidity has cost Him dearly—yet He comes to my broken soul offering His tears and blood to heal my mind and heart.

That is what He asks us to do as we deal with our children who are human and fallen—and childish. This is the foundational task of parenting. It is also foundational for discipleship. When we are baptized, we covenant “to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:9). Is there any place we can do this that is more important than in our relationships with our children? Is there any better way “to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in,” than to show compassion to God’s children whom He has entrusted to our care? 

Providing Emotional First Aid

When our daughter Emily was in kindergarten, she and a neighbor friend named Hannah often skipped their way across the street to the school playground to kick a ball and ride the swings. One day as the two girls left our house and headed to the playground, Emily stopped at the curb and Hannah dashed into the street. A slow-moving car was unable to stop and hit Hannah, sending her skidding and sprawling painfully on the pavement. She lay in the street, frightened and injured.

What is the right parental response to Hannah’s situation? Would it make sense to approach her and remind her of our oft-repeated and wise counsel to look both ways before crossing the street? Would it make sense to tell her that maybe she needed a timeout to reflect on her carelessness? Would we ground her or demand that she apologize to the frightened driver?

Of course not. We naturally consider such behavior abusive. We would run to Hannah and offer words of love and assurance even as we helped her get comfortable. We would call for appropriate medical care and provide first aid. We would stay by her side doing anything we could to help her feel safe and to start the healing process.  (Fortunately, Hannah fully recovered.)

Far more often than we realize, our children are injured by painful encounters with life. They come home bruised, skinned, and bleeding from hurtful run-ins with mortality. We adults almost surely do not realize how often they feel frightened and wounded. If we try to understand their pains and challenges, we are likely to look upon them with compassion rather than judgment and impatience. God calls us to offer emotional first aid. That is compassion’s mandate.

Haim Ginott, the great teacher of parental compassion, tells a story of a child’s disappointment—and a mother who didn’t know how to show compassion:

Grace, age twelve, was tense and tearful. Her favorite cousin was going home after staying with her during the summer. 

GRACE (With tears in her eyes): Emma is going away. I’ll be all alone again. 

MOTHER: You’ll find another friend. 

GRACE: I’ll be so lonely. 

MOTHER: You’ll be fine. 

GRACE: Oh, mom! (Sobs.) 

MOTHER: You can be such a drama queen!

Grace gave mother a deadly look and escaped to her room, slamming the door behind her.  

This episode should have had a happier ending. A child’s feeling must be taken seriously, even though the situation itself is not very serious. In mother’s eyes this separation may be too minor a crisis for tears, but her response need not have lacked sympathy.  Mother might have said to herself, “Grace feels miserable.  I can help her best by showing that I understand what pains her.” To her daughter she might have said any or all of the following:  

“It will be lonely without Emma.”  

“You miss her already.”  

“It is hard to be apart when you are so used to being together.”  

“The house must seem kind of empty to you without Emma around.”  [end of Ginott quote]

Do you sense the power of a parent offering genuine compassion to a child? Compassion offers children the healing balm of feeling understood. It also reassures children that their feelings are normal and that the important adults in their lives care about their feelings.

The Fruits of Compassion

It is common for us to assume that showing compassion may increase or extend the child’s pain. Will they get stuck in self-pity when we focus on their pain? Experience, research, and God say otherwise. When we show heartfelt compassion for someone else’s pain, we not only show that others can understand their pain but also that we are touched by the feeling of their infirmity (See Hebrews 4:15). Jesus went beyond paying our sins and bore our infirmities so that His compassion would be fully informed (Alma 7:11-12).

God Himself sets the perfect example. In the stunning revelation in which Enoch and God jointly observed the suffering of God’s wicked children on earth, Enoch was shocked to discover God weeping. He asked how someone as great as He could possibly be touched so deeply—especially by the wicked children. God replied: “the whole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands; wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?”

Amazing. God does not sit in a distant heaven untouched by our struggles. He weeps with us and for us. He asks us to show similar compassion for our children when they suffer.

Teaching With Compassion in Times of Trouble

Compassion sets the stage for effective teaching and parenting. Effective compassion requires us to get out of our own story and step into the stories of our children. Let’s consider a couple of common examples.

Imagine that your teenager is working on his algebra homework and groans, “This is so hard! I just don’t get it.” The instinctive adult response is to say, “It’s not hard. You can do it.” Now consider the inevitable metamessage we sent to the child: “You think this is hard. It really isn’t. Everyone else in the world can do algebra. If you can’t do it, you must be stupid.”

This harsh message is certainly not our intent. But because we spoke from our point of view (“Yikes! I don’t want my child to give up. I must push him forward.”) rather than the child’s point of view (“I’m lost. I don’t know what to do.”), we discouraged rather than encouraged our child. 

Consider a different response, one tuned to the child’s feelings and experience. “I can see why algebra feels so hard. You are learning a new language filled with symbols and a lot of rules for solving problems. I appreciate how hard you are working to learn that new language.” The emphasis on this response is appreciation for the difficulty of the task and appreciation for the child’s efforts.

Consider another situation. A child spills a glass of milk. Of course, the child feels embarrassed, flustered, and worried. What’s our reaction? Here are some different responses, some helpful and some not.

	Common parental response—doesn’t show much compassion:	More understanding and compassionate parental response:
Attacking versus solving:	“You are so clumsy.”	“The milk spilled. Here is a cloth to wipe it up.”
Advising versus understanding:	“What you need to do is pay more attention.”	“We all spill sometimes.”
History versus here and now:	“You always spill something.”	“It is good that we have paper towels.”
Labeling versus understanding:	“You are such a klutz!”	“Big glasses can be hard to handle.”
Futurizing versus understanding:	“You’ll never be able to do anything right.”	“It’s embarrassing to spill milk, isn’t it?”

When something bad happens, we tend to be irritated because of the inconvenience it entails on us. We hate messes and wasted time. So, we lecture already-embarrassed children rather than binding up their wounds with compassion and teaching them better ways.

We love our children. If another adult were to say insensitive, demeaning or hurtful things to them, we would do whatever we could to stop that person from continuing to have a negative influence in their lives. Yet, sometimes, without realizing it, we allow ourselves to be that kind of voice in our children’s lives. The natural parent is an enemy to children—unless our hearts have been softened by the goodness of God.

Listening to a Child’s Heart

Compassion is useful not only when children feel hurt by life but also when they are disappointed, thwarted, or frustrated. Imagine a parent who takes his child to the store. The child sees a toy he wants. He asks for it, then begs for it and finally begins whining to have it. This behavior could tempt any parent to be irritated. “You have all kinds of toys at home!  And most of them are scattered all over the house because you never pick them up! I’m not buying you anything else. I don’t want to hear any more whining!”

This response is not helpful. Instead, the parent can listen to the child’s heart. “That does look like a great toy. I can see why you like it! We aren’t taking anything home today. Maybe you will want to choose this one the next time we are getting a new toy.” The limit can be delivered with loving empathy. And it can be repeated as many times as are needed to convince the child that we are serious. The parent can show that she takes the child’s preference seriously by saying, “Let’s write down the name of that toy. You can keep the note so that you will remember which toy you wanted.”

As we assist our children in making the journey towards becoming adults, limits must be set. Responsible behavior must be taught. But we can do it with kindness and compassion.  

The ability to show compassion effectively takes the character to set aside our own frustrations and irritations. It is the desire to understand and have empathy for our child. This is not learned in a mini-class. This is one of the hardest things that humans ever do. It is the work of a lifetime. 

It is worth noting that it is easier to show compassion for our children if we are also showing compassion to ourselves. We can be patient and encouraging with ourselves as we learn the mindset of compassion.

Here are two recommendations as you begin the journey of compassion. 

1. Think of a recent experience when you found it hard to show compassion for your child. Rewrite that scenario in your mind. How might you have offered emotional first aid? How might you have reacted differently during a time of trouble? How might you have listened to your child’s heart? Prepare your mind and heart to show more compassion towards your child/children this week. 
2. I recommend that every parent read and re-read one of the great books that teaches compassion. My personal favorites are Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott, Soft-Spoken Parenting by H. Wallace Goddard, and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. Or you might listen to my audio book The Compassionate Heart.

Compassion does not come easily or naturally to humans. Yet it undergirds and supports all parenting. Its vital role will become even clearer in the chapters ahead.  

Reflection and application:

Have you set your mind and heart to support your children through normal mistakes and misdeeds? Have you prepared yourself to respond compassionately to their pains?

Your Hardest Family Question: How do I protect our children from the unhealthy influence of their older sister?

Question

We sent our oldest daughter across the country to an Latter-day Saint school and felt a sigh of relief as we hoped she would be surrounded by goodness, faithfulness, and similar morals. Unfortunately, we discovered that instead, our child is now smoking weed and drinking alcohol, among other things. After finding this out we were completely heartbroken. It is hard to describe the feelings in a parent when your child makes these choices. It’s one of the most terrible and painful things I’ve ever gone through, and I am very familiar with grief and heartache.

We have always done everything right: Family Home Evening every week, scriptures, and prayers every night, church every Sunday, all the church activities, …. literally textbook happy, Latter-Day Saint family. We never saw this coming. While this child struggled with her testimony often…. we were still completely blindsided by this.

We have come to terms with everything and have come to a place where we have accepted it. Unfortunately, for all parents everywhere…. free agency exists. We, of course, will never stop parenting and have our opinions, thoughts and standards be known, as well as our sadness and disappointment. We have made sure to let her know we still love her.  So much! And thankfully, our relationship has survived, and we still talk often and happily.

However, there’s one problem we find harder to figure out. This child is the oldest of five kids. Eventually she will want to come home to visit. I would rather she not come at all. I want to protect all our impressionable, young, still developing kids…. some who look up to her so much! 

We are terrified of the effect she will have on our other children. We dread the example she will set. We can’t stand the thought of these things happening in our house. We feel the heartbreak all over again when thinking of explaining all of this to our other children. How will we prepare them? How will we protect them? How will we explain it?

We obviously can’t tell our own child to not come home. But how do we let her come home?

Answer

You’ve worked hard to accept the reality of your daughter’s current priorities and it sounds like all this work has been done at a distance. It’s quite different to experience the contrast in person while wondering what influence and impact she’ll have on your efforts to guide your children at home. Even though you can’t program any of your children’s paths, you can still have peace and maintain close relationships with them. Let’s talk about how you can do this.

Before we get into the logistics of how to handle your daughter’s homecoming, I’d like to address your response to the doctrine of agency. In your question, you used the word, “unfortunately”, when talking about the reality of agency. While I do understand the parental pain of watching agency in action as a child disregards God’s laws, I believe it’s important to not blame agency as the problem. In fact, agency is the solution to our fallen state! Elder Robert D. Hales reminded us of this core truth:

“Our agency—our ability to choose and act for ourselves—was an essential element of this plan. Without agency we would be unable to make right choices and progress. Yet with agency we could make wrong choices, commit sin, and lose the opportunity to be with Heavenly Father again. For this reason, a Savior would be provided to suffer for our sins and redeem us if we would repent. By His infinite Atonement, He brought about ‘the plan of mercy, to appease the demands of justice.’”[i]

I want to invite you to trust in agency and rejoice in the fact that you, your daughter, and all your children possess the ability to choose their own path. Even though your daughter isn’t following God’s laws right now, she is living the plan of salvation. Resist the tendency to believe that it should be any other way. You are conscientious and intentional about guiding your children back to the presence of our Heavenly Parents, so I see how painful this is for you. I also believe that when we fully embrace the truth about moral agency, it can flood us with peace and purpose as we trust in God’s plan.

Another truth that can bring you peace is recognizing that your daughter’s journey is far from over. She is currently discovering the law of opposites and will have firsthand knowledge of tasting the bitter, “that [she] may know to prize the good.”[ii] Remember that our Heavenly Parents built a world full of surprises, temptations, dangers, and tragedies. It’s a wild and unpredictable classroom designed to help their children grow to be just like Them.

None of us know what she will choose next or how long it will take for her to learn these important lessons. However, it’s critical that we don’t limit the love and patience of our perfect Heavenly Parents and our Savior, Jesus Christ. C.S. Lewis discovered this Divine Love in his early thirties after years of stubborn atheism:

“I gave in, and admitted that God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps, that night, the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England. I did not then see what is now the most shining and obvious thing; the Divine humility which will accept a convert even on such terms. The Prodigal Son at least walked home on his own feet. But who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance of escape? . . . The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and His compulsion is our liberation”[iii]

You are doing all you can do to guide and bless your daughter and your children at home. Please don’t forget that you’re co-parenting with the loving partnership of our Heavenly Parents who are the architects and champions of the role of agency in their great plan of happiness. President Harold B. Lee reassured all earthly parents with this important reminder: “We forget that we have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother who are even more concerned, probably, than our earthly father and mother, and that influences from beyond are constantly working to try to help us when we do all we can.”[iv]

As you contemplate her returning home and eventually exposing her siblings to her lifestyle choices, it’s critical that you hold tightly to the principles I’ve shared above. I don’t minimize the pain of watching your children practice their agency in ways that bring regret and sorrow. It’s truly a soul-stretching experience that we both love and hate. However, your response to her and your other children will be influenced by your trust in the principle of moral agency.

When your daughter returns home, she’ll be returning as an adult guest who can be expected to follow the house rules. Even though she’s familiar with the home rules and routines, there’s nothing wrong with reviewing your expectations. Speak kindly and clearly to her about what you expect from her as a guest in your home. I also think it’s important to remind her that respecting your rules also means not undermining your authority and influence on your other children. She’s not their parent and can practice deference and respect while she’s in your home.

Even though you can decide whether she enters your home, she still might choose to contact them outside of your home and share her experiences, behaviors, and beliefs with your other children. This is where it’s important to once again embrace the principle of agency and hope that all your children will sense the difference between bitter and sweet. You’ve taught them the sweet and they will eventually encounter the bitter (which may initially taste artificially sweet). Continue offering them light and truth by precept and example.[v]

Of course, you don’t need to broadcast her choices or your disappointment in your daughter’s path. At the same time, you don’t need to hide the reality of her life from your children when it’s presented to them. When your other children discover her lifestyle choices, you can stay close to them and process what they’re seeing, feeling, thinking, and experiencing. You still have a responsibility to reinforce your standards and teach truth to your children. These are excellent opportunities to help them embrace the law of opposites and decide what matters to them.[vi] It’s a gift to your children to help them make sense of opposing feelings and thoughts in the supportive presence of loving parents.

This is also a powerful opportunity for them to learn how to treat others who are different from them. They can learn how to be inclusive, loving, and open to their sister and others. Your children can learn lessons about agency and love as they observe you interact with your daughter. As they watch you stay connected to your daughter and treat her with respect and love, they will know that nothing can separate them from the love of their parents.[vii]

Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at [email protected]  

Download Geoff’s FREE guide to help you quickly end arguments with your spouse: https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument

You can connect with him at:

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About the Author

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, host of the podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and creates online relationship courses. He earned degrees from Brigham Young University and Auburn University. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.

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[i] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2010/10/agency-essential-to-the-plan-of-life?lang=eng

[ii] Moses 6:55

[iii] Lewis, C. S., & Barfield, O. (1955). Surprised by joy: The shape of my early life. Chicago. pp. 228-229

[iv] Harold B. Lee, “The Influence and Responsibility of Women,” Relief Society Magazine 51, no. 2 (Feb. 1964): 85.

[v] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1981/12/the-power-of-example?lang=eng

[vi] 2 Nephi 2:11-28

[vii] Romans 8:39

Four Kinds of Compassion in Parenting

Sara is the youngest of our three children. She was always more cautious than Emily or Andy. I don’t know why. We never deliberately tricked or deceived her. She was just more cautious. In fact, she was born two weeks late. If the doctor had not come after her, there is no telling how long she would have remained in utero.

When we went to the water slide in our small Utah town, Andy immediately went to sliding, Emily gathered friends, and Sara hid in the car. Sara was only about six at the time. But it was not her age that explained her behavior. It was her temperament. She was cautious.

When I invited her to come into the water park with us, she set her jaw and declared, “I will not ride the water slide!” I assured her that she did not have to ride the slide but we would love to have her with us. She came reluctantly and warily.

When Sara had finally gotten comfortable in the park, I asked her if she would like to see what the waterslide looked like. She eyed me suspiciously. But she took my hand. We climbed the stairs and watched people sit in the tube and shoot down the slide laughing. We walked down the stairs and watched people shoot out the tube into the little pool.

Then again we climbed the stairs and watched people sit in the tube and shoot down the slide, laughing. We walked down the stairs and watched people shoot out the tube into the little pool.

Yet again we climbed the stairs and watched people sit in the tube and shoot down the slide laughing. We walked down the stairs and watched people shoot out the tube into the little pool.

After uncounted repetitions of the process, Sara asked if I could go down the slide with her, hold her tight, and make sure she didn’t drown. I assured her that I could. So, once more, we climbed the stairs. When it was our turn, Sara sat in front of me, I held her ribs, and we launched into adventure. Sara began laughing immediately. Any hint of concern was gone now that she felt safe.

We laughed our way through the drops and curves. As we approached the end of the tube, I checked my hold on her ribs. When we shot out into the pool, I pushed her into the air as I sank to the bottom of the pool. We worked our way to the side with me sputtering. As we climbed out, Sara enthused, “Let’s go again!”

A New Compassion

In the previous article about compassion, I suggested that the quality of mind and heart is foundational for good parenting and for our spiritual well-being. Compassion is vital. Yet it is also completely unnatural for the natural man.

Compassion requires us to extend beyond our self-focused thoughts and concerns. Ultimately it requires that we get the mind and heart of Christ. Only when we are changed by Him will we be fully and properly compassionate. But that doesn’t happen in one fell swoop.

God asks us to do the best we can to be compassionate while crying out for mercy. Godly compassion is the final gift to those who have struggled for it for a lifetime.

Two Homes for Compassion

The Lord taught that “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh” (Matthew 12:34). While heavenly compassion is substantially a quality of the heart, the mind is the gardener; our thoughts prepare the soil of our hearts for compassion. When our minds dwell on judgment and irritation, the soil remains hard, sterile, and impenetrable. When our minds understand the unique needs, challenges and life experiences of other people, our hearts are softened and we are prepared to be compassionate.

Perhaps that is why the Lord used obscure and strong language when He gave Joseph Smith timeless instructions for dealing with people: “Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith . . . (D&C 121:45).

In scriptural terms, the word “bowels” suggests not just our hearts but all our innards, all our feelings, all our insides. He wants more than our hearts; God wants our innards to be packed and brimming with charity.

Then God adds the next condition: “and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly” (D&C 121:45). When we run into the word “virtue,” we moderns often think of sexual purity. It seems clear that God has in mind a broader meaning. I think God is inviting us to look for goodness. “Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure” (Titus 1:15). According to Paul, we see what we ARE! If our souls are judgmental and angry, then our thoughts are cynical and negative. We see badness. If our hearts are pure, we see goodness in all those around us; we choose to dwell on their virtues, strengths and righteousness.

We are often quite unaware of the one of the commonest ways that Satan can hijack our hearts and families. When we let ourselves get angry, our heart rates soar and we prepare for battle. It’s difficult to think rationally and almost impossible to have compassion when we have been hijacked by anger.

Plus, when we move into that accusatory mode the Spirit takes off and leaves us alone; we regress to being the natural parent. We say and do things as parents that we know we shouldn’t but we’re just too ticked off in the moment to care. This is especially likely when we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired. We can lose our tempers and feel bad—but we hate to apologize so we try to justify. We set us a system of unkindness and dishonesty. (For ideas on avoiding anger, read Soft-Spoken Parenting by author or Anger Kills by Redford and Virginia Williams.)

So God prescribes a combination of thoughts that are upright, holy, and generous combined with feelings that are charitable and compassionate.

You can see how important this is in parenting. Parents are constantly required to weigh in on children’s motives. When our minds are judgmental and our hearts are hard, our judgments will be filled with accusation and condemnation. We become like the great accuser, Satan, who is always looking for the bad and emphasizing it. This is very damaging for children. It leaves them feeling  lonely and afraid in a hostile world.

In contrast to parents whose minds and hearts accuse their children, God invites us to be like the great advocate, Jesus, who looks for the good in us and whose heart is always welcoming. He knows that we will make many mistakes. He knows that we will often act foolishly (childishly!). And yet He is prepared to turn those failings into blessings of learning and growth. As God directed: “Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart” (Proverbs 3:3).

Four Kinds of Compassion

Compassion is facilitated by understanding which I like to divide into four kinds, each with a different combination of mind-work and heart-work.

1. Understanding Development

We can help children more effectively if we understand their development. When we understand development, we are more open to a child’s challenges. For example, it is perfectly natural for a two year old to try to exercise some independence. The “terrible twos” are a vital developmental milestone. We certainly don’t want our children to remain completely dependent on us into adulthood.

In like manner, the churlishness of adolescence is another vital step toward establishing independence. The bold overstatements of teens are the sounds of a growing brain stretching and trying its muscles. When we adults react judgmentally to teen’s bold statements, we prevent healthy growth. The right reaction involves understanding and compassion.

Jacob snorted a bold opinion at the dinner table, “This war is stupid! I can’t believe our leaders got us into it!” The rumbling in our souls when teens make such statements will tell us lots about our spiritual maturity. The natural parent—whether he agrees with the son’s opinion or not—is likely to say something like, “Who made you the expert on international relations? Since when do you know more than the finest minds in America?”

While such a response is entirely natural and seemingly fair, it is completely unhelpful. It creates a war at home and fails to acknowledge the blessing of a teen who is learning to have opinions and express them. We can respond in a way that estranges us or encourages better thinking.

Imagine saying something like: “Wow. You have strong opinions about the war. Would you tell me more about your thoughts? I’d like to know more about how you came to your conclusions.”

Some parents might worry that this way of responding tolerates and encourages brash statements in our children. Actually, the opposite is true. Rather than responding to a brash statement with our own brash statement, this approach models mature thinking. It invites dialogue. It demonstrates the kind of open mind that can lead to productive thinking and collaborating.

There are seven developmental challenges that most commonly put parents of young children over the edge: colic, sleep problems, separation anxiety, normal exploratory behavior, normal negativism, normal poor appetite, and toilet training. These are not calculated attempts by children to make their parents crazy. These are the normal, expected challenges of a heavenly spirit learning to work with a mortal body.

We can react impatiently and harshly to problems. Or we can try to understand what challenges in the child’s world are creating the problem for the child. This requires us to get out of our own life stories and into theirs. This requires patience, open-mindedness and humility.

For example, colic is inconvenient for parents. In fact, intractable crying by babies is the most common cause of child abuse. It can make even a saintly parent perturbed. When an exhausted parent is combined with an inconsolable baby, there can be trouble—especially if we begin to think that we have a bad child or we’re poor parents. The solution to colic is to be sure that the child is healthy, not overfed, and gets lots of soothing. There is a reason that rocking chairs have been around for centuries.

When nothing else works, sometimes a parent must put the baby down and allow him or her to cry. But children do not cry to annoy us; they cry to engage us in solving their painful problems. They need us.

The bottom line is that most of the annoying or silly things kids do in the course of growing up are perfectly normal. Most of them are markers for children’s developing maturity.

Sometimes preferences in style may irritate parents and suggest a rejection of the family’s values. T shirts with rock band insignia or flamboyant posters on their bedroom walls may annoy us. While it is appropriate to set limits on moral issues such as modesty, we are wise to enjoy our children’s growing expression of self. In the process of parenting, we need to be very careful about the battles we pick. Better yet, we can try to see every step they take as progress towards God’s perfect purposes for them. We can coach them to a wiser and happier course.

2. Understanding Their Unique Temperaments and Personalities

Understanding development requires us to know what is common and normal for children. We also need to understand the ways in which a given child is different from most. We can only parent effectively when we appreciate each child’s uniqueness.

Each of our children has been different from the others from the first moment they arrived in our arms. Emily has always been a creative and social person. Andy has always been creative and enterprising. Sara has always been tender and loyal. All three have wonderful qualities in common yet they are each unique.

Differences between our children create challenges for us as parents. We cannot develop some tidy formula for raising all our children. What works magically for one child annoys another and evokes open rebellion from a third.

God knows what He is doing. He wants us to love each child personally, individually, even sacrificially. Some will be easier for us than others. We can spend a lifetime studying our children and their preferences. We can be genuinely open to their uniqueness. We can beg Heaven for needed guidance and inspiration. God aims to stretch us. Nowhere is this more evident than in the challenges of parenting.

Brigham Young gave wise counsel to parents. Notice the highlighted part in the context of the rest. “Bring up your children in the love and fear of the Lord; study their dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heat of passion; teach them to love you rather than to fear you . . ..” (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 207).

Perhaps one of the best ways to teach our children about God is to be godly with them—to tune in to their needs and preferences and draw them toward God with our love. We cannot drive or compel them to heaven; they must be drawn with gentleness and kindness.

3. Understanding Their Circumstances

Do you remember some of the things you worried about when you were in elementary school? I remember worrying as a child that I would forget to change out of my night clothes before going to school and would be humiliated to arrive at the classroom wearing my cowboy pjs.

Each of us worried about different things. Some worried about being picked on by peers or being humiliated by a teacher. The point here is that most of us have long since forgotten what worried us as children. That may be good—except we may not realize that our children worry about many things that we have long forgotten.

A few years ago a group of scholars provided a list of 20 concerns to children in six countries and asked them to rate how stressful they would be to them. There was surprisingly high consistency between children in all countries. Children considered losing a parent to be the most stressful event among the 20. Given that divorce is another way that parents are wrenched  from their children’s lives, this is worrisome. The next dozen stressors on the list were:

• Going blind
• Being held back in school
• Wetting their pants in class
• Parental fights
• Caught stealing
• Suspected of lying
• A poor report card
• Being sent to the principal’s office
• Having an operation
• Getting lost
• Being ridiculed in class
• Moving to a new school

The events that most worried children fell into two categories: experiences that threatened their sense of security and those that caused personal embarrassment. Of course there are many other things that also worry children; the worries in this list were provided by the researchers and may capture only a fraction of their real-life challenges. As parents we often don’t realize what things worry our children. And we may not realize how often we undermine their feeling of security and cause them embarrassment.

Years ago some caring and concerned parents asked me for advice. Every once in a while their son would go crazy and become a terrorist. While Mom nursed the baby, this boy would scream and jump on the furniture. They wondered if something was wrong with their boy.

We talked for some time and had not found a convincing answer until I asked Mom the key question: Is there something different in your life when you have these problems with your son. Mom sighed. “Every once in a while the baby is sick and I spend the night caring for him and walking the floor. When morning comes, I am exhausted. I don’t play or laugh with my boy like usual.”

The light dawned for both of us. The terrorist son was not deliberately trying to make his parents crazy. Quite the opposite. Once in a while he got up and found that his normally loving mother was a zombie. She didn’t talk, laugh, or play with him. She seemed to have disappeared from his life. She seemed mad at him. His terrorism was a plea for love and involvement. He was saying: “Mom, what’s wrong? Have I made you mad? Don’t you love me? Mom! Please come back! I need you! Mom! Please!”

When we see the world through our children’s eyes—when we notice their circumstances and struggles—we are far better prepared to respond to them helpfully. Paradoxically, we are often unaware of the ways our moods and well-being impact our children. Our distractedness, frustration, and exhaustion may frighten our children—even when they did not cause it in any way.

These three ways of understanding children are common among those of us who study child development. I want to add a fourth to the common list.  It is important enough that I would like to dedicate a separate article to it. So, we will continue our discussion of compassion in the next article.

Reflection and application:

Can you remember things you worried about as a child? Or things that hurt or frightened you? What are some of the things that worry, hurt, or frighten your children?

What can you do to help your child feel safe and loved?

How can you help them know that God “will go before your face. [He] will be on your right hand and on your left, and [His] Spirit shall be in your hearts, and [His] angels round about you, to bear you up”? (D&C 84:88).

Invitation:

You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally Goddard that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreats will be on April 11, 2026, and September 12, 2026 in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.

References:

Yamamoto, K., Davis, O. r., Dylak, S., Whittaker, J., Marsh, C., & van der Westhuizen, P. C. (1996). Across six nations: Stressful events in the lives of children. Child Psychiatry and Human Development, 26(3), 139-150.

The story of Sara and the waterslide was adapted from Modern Myths and Latter-day Truths by the author.

The Christlike Compassion That Transforms Parenting

Our own spiritual well-being—our relationship with God—forms the footings on which all our parenting structure rests. God is the rock on Whom we build.

The next step in building our structure is the foundation which supports the entire building while resting on the rock of our Redeemer. I think of the foundation as compassion which has two parts—a feeling of distress at seeing the suffering of another person and a readiness to help. True compassion includes a feeling and an impulse to action. 

We often think we understand the idea of compassion and show it pretty well. After all, we feel sad when our children suffer, especially when they suffer innocently. Yet we generally underestimate all that “compassion” entails.

Understanding Compassion

In the parable of the Good Samaritan, compassion was the powerful word that was used to describe the Samaritan’s first reaction to the injured person: “When he saw him, he had compassion on him” (Luke 10:33). The Samaritan was unlike the priest and the Levite who ignored the traveler’s injuries and suffering. Even though it would entail real sacrifice, the Good Samaritan chose to embrace the injured man. He “went to him, and bound up his wounds” (Luke 10:34).

Commenting on this great parable, Brother John Welch discussed the word compassion: “This Greek word is used elsewhere in the New Testament only in sentences that describe God’s or Christ’s emotions of mercy. As is well recognized, ‘outside the original parables of Jesus there is no instance of the word being used of men’” (1999, p. 81). Brother Welch points out that the word is a “distinctive theological marker” pointing us to God’s love or divine compassion. 

In other words, compassion is not your run-of-the-mill pity. It is not even human understanding. It is the divine gift of feeling what another person feels even though we do not have their life experience. It is being touched by another person’s infirmity (See Hebrews 4:15-16). It is the willingness to personally sacrifice in order to bring healing to someone we love.

The perfect example of this is Jesus. In Alma 7 we are taught that Jesus not only bore the terrible burden of sin and death—a burden that would destroy any of us—but He went the second mile. He bore our pains, disappointment, and routine infirmities so that He would fully understand every pain we will ever suffer. We can never rightly say to Him that He doesn’t understand us and our pains. He paid a terrible price so that He does understand everything we experience. So, while being profoundly unlike us in His personal sinlessness, He is perfectly us because He bore our sins and our routine pains.

The Path to Compassion

So, we should not be glib about the challenge of showing compassion. We literally are not capable of true compassion unless we have heavenly help.  Only when we have the mind and heart of Christ can we truly manifest compassion. 

One of the great ironies of parenting is that compassion may be hardest to show to those whom we know best. Over time we build images and expectations for people we know. We start to think that we understand their motives, preferences, strengths, and weaknesses. But we rarely realize that we see through a glass darkly. We see only a blurry likeness of a person. Our own biases and needs badly block our understanding of that person’s heart. 

Let’s test this idea. Did you feel that your parents fully understood and appreciated your heart? Or were misunderstandings and misjudgments the common fare? For some reason we all tend to think that we will do much better than our own parents. That pride—for thus it is—prevents us from seeing any better than they did. We may have biases different from our parents but we—like they—still see through a glass darkly. The proper remedy for bias and pride is humility: the whole-souled recognition that we do not fully comprehend someone else’s life. Only as we stop imposing our meanings on other people’s experiences, can we be open to their meanings. Only as we listen much better than we normally do, can we really hear the cries of another heart. Only as we open our souls to another person can we truly value that person’s life.

I fully believe that we can never really experience full-fledged compassion for another person unless we allow God to open our minds and hearts to them. This requires great humility and profound faith in Jesus Christ. Compassion is far more than a skill; it is a heaven-sent quality of heart. Have you ever felt an overwhelming sense of love and concern for someone who had once irritated you? Have you ever wanted to lift and rescue an enemy? These are fruits of compassion.

Looking into the Face of Compassion

The natural man is an enemy to compassion and everything godly. By “natural man” I don’t mean the rotten, stinking worst of us; I mean the typical person. “Because of the fall our natures have become evil continually” (Ether 3:2). The common parent who runs on autopilot is an enemy to children. One good example of this is an encounter of Anjelica Huston with her father, the famous film director, John Huston.

Once, at the dinner table, the subject of van Gogh came up.  I said somewhat flippantly that I didn’t like van Gogh.  “You don’t like van Gogh?”  he countered.  “Then name six of his paintings and tell me why you don’t like them.”  I couldn’t, of course.  And he said, “Leave the room, and until you know what you’re talking about, don’t come back with your opinions to the dinner table.

John responded to Anjelica’s ill-informed statement with strong correction—but no compassion. When we correct without persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love (see D&C 121:41), we do not enrich and educate people; we enrage them. The devil laughs and families suffer.

The Natural Commentator

As parents we may vacillate between more and less compassionate ways of relating to our children. Most of us are not unfailingly compassionate. At times we are tender, open and kind. At other times we are irritable, demanding, and closed-minded.  

Sometimes we can unwittingly relate to our children the way a basketball commentator relates to players in a broadcast game. From a comfortable press box, the commentator makes a stream of observations. When the commentator thinks a player isn’t performing well or living up to expectations, the observations can include judgments, complaints, accusations and ultimately a negative evaluation of the prospects of a struggling player. He may even make fun of a player who is having a bad day. The commentator makes his calls without considering the well-being of the players. When we are far from the action, we don’t feel the pain, struggle, and earnestness of those in the middle of the game.

Yet, once upon a time, we parents were the players. Our parents and others were the commentators. We did the best we knew how but we struggled with ignorance, lack of strategy, fatigue, lack of teamwork. Sometimes we were also dispirited by the judgments of the people in the press box.

Better a Coach than a Commentator

It may be a lot more compassionate and effective to be a coach than a commentator. Admittedly, some coaches can be harsh and insulting. That is not what I recommend. I recommend a coach who is close enough to the players to see the sweat, sense the struggle, understand the pain; a coach who knows his players strengths and shows them how to use them; the kind of coach who puts his arms around tired players and reminds them why they are there; a coach who provides aid to the weak, holds up the hands that hang down, and strengthens the feeble knees (See D&C 81:5) with compassionate words of encouragement, hope, vision, and love.

The closer we are to the players and the more we humbly remember their struggle, the more we can be helpful to them. A coach cares deeply about the success of his players.

The Human Face of Compassion

Some years ago, a Jewish immigrant to America wrote about replacing hardness with softness in parenting. This one-time school teacher turned child psychologist was Haim Ginott and he taught us about compassion in parenting. I recommend that everyone read his still-acclaimed book, Between Parent and Child. (Disclosure: I helped revise his great book for the current edition.) I adapt this story from Haim:

When Ashley, age fourteen, criticized modern painting, mother did not dispute her opinion.  Nor did she condemn her taste.

Mother: You don’t like abstract art?

Ashley: I sure don’t.  It’s ugly.

Mother: You prefer representational art?

Ashley: What’s that?

Mother: You like it when a house looks like a house, and a tree like a tree, and a person like a person.

Ashley: Yes.

Mother: Then you like representational art.

Ashley: Imagine that. All my life I liked representational art and didn’t know it.

Contrast this gentle approach with the one described earlier in which John Huston reacted to Anjelica’s statement. Huston’s response humiliated; Ashley’s mom educated. That is the difference that compassion makes.

Jesus counsels us to agree with our adversaries quickly (Matthew 5:25, 3 Nephi 12:25). Rather than being quick to correct, we can find common ground, show compassion, and thus strengthen the bonds that unite us.

As the beginning of this chapter suggests, compassion rests on our relationship with God. When we are close to God and filled with His spirit, compassion comes naturally. Unfortunately, this is not a very stable state in mortality. We may start the day feeling grounded in God, but the barrage of life events conspires to undermine serenity. Still, the more profoundly and regularly we connect with God, the more effortlessly we will show compassion.

The nearer we get to our heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their sins behind our backs. My talk is intended for all this society; if you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another. (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p.241)

In the next two chapters, I will discuss four kinds of understanding that are vital for cultivating the kind of parental compassion that helps children become balanced adults. I will suggest things each of us can do and ways we can think that make a positive difference. 

Reflection and application: 

Are you willing to watch for pain in your children’s faces and be a healer and comforter to them in their difficulties?

What pain have you seen recently in their lives? How can you minister with compassion?

References:

Welch, John W. (1999). The Good Samaritan: A type and shadow of the plan of salvation. BYU Studies, 38, (2), 51-115.

Invitation: 

You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally Goddard that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreats will be on April 11, 2026, and September 12, 2026 in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.