In a culture captivated by a highly emotional vision of romantic love, we sometimes overlook the quiet, patient, resilient work that real and enduring love requires. Love is not simply an emotion that comes and remains with ease. Love is a deliberate choice, renewed daily, through life’s most challenging and joyful moments. The real beauty of love lies not in its perfection, but in its resilience and depth. Singles should be ever mindful of these principles as they seek to make new marriages that will last by founding those marriages on sound principles.
Love Must Be Freely Given
At its core, love is about agency. Real love cannot be demanded, manipulated, or coerced, but is only real when it is freely offered. We often fear that, left to their own devices, others will not meet our emotional needs. We fear that no one really cares. This fear can drive us to control or punish others. But such tactics are driven by imitation love—which is brief, shallow, and ultimately unfulfilling. Imitation love is measured by getting others to do what we want. When we force or manipulate others to meet our needs, we know deep down that it was not freely given and it does not feel like love. As we learn to trust in the love freely given by others, we unlock its greatest rewards. At its core, love is also about loyalty—being there for your loved one, come what may.
The Paradox of Oneness and Individuality
Marriage summons us to what Professor Jared Halverson calls proving contraries, as he quotes the Prophet Joseph Smith, stating that “by proving contraries, the truth is made manifest.” Contraries are two truths in tension with each other—that need each other to stand. In the context of marriage, contraries include agency and unity. On one hand, we are individuals with unique thoughts, desires, and needs, and are entitled to choose for ourselves. Our agency literally makes us who we are (Doctrine & Covenants 93:30). On the other hand, we commit to becoming “one” (Genesis 2:24). The scriptural mandate to “cleave” to each other does not imply suffocation but a sacred blending of two souls.
True unity emerges not from uniformity, but from navigating differences with grace and appreciation. As in Zion, where people were “of one heart and one mind” (Moses 7:18), oneness is achieved through shared values and mutual respect, even as individuals retain their distinct identities and preferences. Real love bridges the gap between independence and unity, creating a partnership where each person feels seen and valued.
The Cost and Reward of Real Love
Love that endures is not cheap. Love sometimes requires slogging through misunderstandings, frustrations, and moments of feeling unappreciated. But those difficult moments are when love proves its worth. Real love is choosing to be kind when you feel misunderstood or underappreciated. Real love is giving each other grace during the hard moments. This grace, given freely, allows relationships to thrive. It creates a safe space for each partner to grow and for the relationship to deepen. The rewards are moments of pure joy that reaffirm the value of enduring love. When you demonstrate that you can pull together in the hard times in which your relationship doesn’t seem to be working, you know you can experience what President Kimball called “exultant ecstasy” when things are working and seem effortless.
Cleaving Without Losing Yourself
Marriage requires finding balance—a dance between “independent self” and “relationship self.” Love recognizes that needing space or a break from coordination or togetherness is not rejection, but a way to recharge and return as a better partner. This balance allows individuals to contribute fully to the relationship while maintaining their own identities and well-being.
The key to creating the needed balance is intentionality: avoiding contention and choosing to approach disagreements with “persuasion, longsuffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned” (D&C 121:41-42). We must strive for unity while we honor agency. In this way, love becomes a safe haven where both partners can cleave to each other without fear of losing themselves. This effort requires patience, gentle persuasion instead of force, and humility. The word “feigned” is defined in Webster’s 1828 Dictionary as “Invented; devised; imagined; assumed.” Thus “feigned” love is pretend love—imitation love. Thus “love unfeigned” is genuine love—real love.
The Divine Work of Love
So many divorced people that I have worked with and taught have given up on love or adopted a jaded view of the opposite sex. That is a natural response to pain. But “the natural man is an enemy to God” (Mosiah 3:19). Fear of pain keeps many of us from opening ourselves to a love that could bless us for all eternity.
Love is one of life’s greatest challenges, highest callings, and sweetest rewards. As imperfect beings, we inevitably stumble through the process, often falling short of our ideals. Yet, through the grace of God, we learn, grow, and refine our ability to love even while we expand that ability.
Love is a holy work. Love is about choosing each other every day—not because it is easy, but because it is worth it. Love is about seeing each other as “holy works in progress” in the hands of loving Heavenly Parents and a Savior who loved us so much that He believed we were worth suffering and dying for.
True love endures through imperfections, disappointments, and trials. Love turns toward the other person when turning away might be easier. Love struggles through to moments of frustration and impaired understanding. Love is patient and forgiving, always striving to be better. And when it succeeds, it creates a bond of unparalleled depth and joy—a reflection of the divine love that inspires and sustains us.
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About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
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