Have you ever been talking to someone … to your child or to your friends or to your spouse or others … and you realize, “Oh my, I sound just like my mother!” Or maybe someone is talking to you, and you ask them somewhat pointedly, “Why are you talking to me like a child?”

A few years ago, a couple came to me for therapy to “fix” their fifteen-year-old son. He was beginning to challenge their family rules. Now that he is at the age of developing independence and he can analyze and reason well beyond the capability of a five-year-old, what would it be like to have him participate in a discussion about rules and have him suggest consequences for violating rules? In only three years, he will legally be an adult and will be moving out and making these decisions himself, so how about helping him learn now?

In another family, the married daughter and her father often regressed to the roles of child and parent which subsequently caused friction in their relationship. She felt diminished and that her achievements as a college graduate, as a wife, and as a mother were never acknowledged. Her father felt like his years of experience and hard-earned wisdom were completely ignored. Sometimes in a work environment, or in church assignments, or as a missionary, we can feel that friction and disharmony.

In his book, The Games People Play[i], Dr. Eric Berne introduced the concept of transactional analysis or how we speak and respond to others. The transaction is how we communicate. Dr. Bern identified three roles:

  • The Child state is when we go back to feelings and actions from our childhood. This is not always a bad thing. Dr. Berne recognized the childlike spontaneity, creativity, and sense of wonder developed as a child. However, as children we could pout, complain, and quickly become angry. We did not have much of a filter on our emotions.
  • The Parent state is when we play the game, often unconsciously, of acting and talking like our parents did. This might include positive traits like patience, nurturing, compassion, and love. It also might include criticizing, advising, raising our voice, etc.
  • The Adult state is the most objective of the three. We can observe, think, decide, communicate, and act rationally. We can weigh and measure the pros and cons before making decisions.

The goal of Transactional Analysis is to understand the different roles, how they work in different situations, and to realize that in most cases, the goal is to act from the Adult role. The key is to learn to observe not just what we are communicating, but also how we are communicating. Then help each other to feel heard, understood, and validated as adults.

Adjusting to Missionary Life offers the following suggestions that can help us all to communicate in our Adult roles:

  • Listen first. You come from different backgrounds and have different expectations and “rules” for what is appropriate or normal. Other people’s behavior makes perfect sense to them, even if it doesn’t to you. Find out more about how he or she sees things by asking questions and listening carefully.
  • Respectfully explain what is bothering you. If you are critical or angry, your spouse/child/companion/work associate/etc. is likely to become defensive rather than cooperative. Explain your problem and what you need rather than criticizing their bothersome behavior. For example, “I have a real dislike for dirty dishes, but I also don’t like doing them all myself. I wonder if we could set up a way to share this job.” Or, “I worry you’re angry with me when you’re so quiet. Could you tell me what you’re thinking?”
  • Be straightforward and kind. Avoid negative labels or judgments. Don’t bolster your position with long lists of his/her faults. Try to keep an even tone that is not angry or self-pitying.
  • Don’t take offense. Take suggestions, even if rudely given, with as much grace and humor as you can muster.
  • Ask your spouse/child/companion/work associate/etc. for suggestions on how you can improve. Also ask the Lord to help you see your weaknesses (see Ether 12:27).

May the Lord bless us to have respectful, kind, and meaningful communication in all of our relationships as we strive to love one another as He loves us.

[i] Bernes, E., Games People Play, 1964. Grove Press, New York, NY.