During group counseling in prison, the focus was on relationships. That included repairing and rebuilding relationships; creating new, healthy relationships; and maintaining and strengthening relationships. [Please note that this was a men’s prison, so the genders here will be male, but the principles apply to all.]
It was interesting to observe some inmates who considered themselves better than another inmate because their crime was not as heinous. The therapist and other group members would challenge their thinking by asking questions such as: Did you violate the rights of another human being? Was your crime less traumatic to the victim? Does your 10-year sentence have less of an impact on you, your family, and your friends than my 10-year sentence? Does the length of your sentence make you better? Are we both wearing the color orange? All of a sudden, how did you become “The Bigger Man?”
How often do we see people play the victim role? As a therapist, I have counseled many men and women who have been victims at the mercy of someone else’s behavior. Unfortunately, I have also witnessed the stories of those who are playing the victim. They participated in a heated discussion that provoked a physical response. Noted: there is no justifiable reason for getting physical. However, did you pour gasoline on the heated discussion? What would it have been like to be a peacemaker? When we’re in the middle of such a discussion, how can we de-escalate the situation before it becomes worse?
Renowned marriage therapists, Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman (www.gottman.com) have couples in therapy wear a pulse oximeter to measure their breathing and heartrate. When things escalated, the Gottman’s have the couple take a timeout to calm down. Sometimes a partner might take a walk. [Just remember not to ignore the issue when you return.] Some couples recognize they are getting into a heated discussion, they are able to recognize it and they actually laugh with each other as they stop and catch themselves. Then they re-direct into a healthy discussion that strengthens the relationship. They no longer attempt to be “The Bigger Man” or “The Bigger Woman.” Instead, they focus on “we” instead of “me.”
Here are four tips from the scriptures that can be helpful:
- Focus on the beam in my own eye. Be accountable, be responsible, strive to be better and do better. (Luke 6:41-42)
- Be forgiving. Don’t wait, expect, or demand an apology from the other person. It may never come and you will never have peace. Peace comes when we turn judgment over to the Lord. (Doctrine and Covenants 64:10)
- Avoid contention. Become as little children. (3 Nephi 11:29, 37)
- Pray for charity so we can be kind, suffer long, seek not our own, be not easily provoked, think no evil … (Moroni 7:45-48)
May the Lord bless us not to become “The Bigger Man (or Woman)” but to become “A Better Man or Woman,” even to become like our Savior and Exemplar, Jesus Christ.
