I’ve often wondered why it was necessary that Jesus take upon himself our infirmities, so that he could succor us. Somehow, he needed to know exactly what it felt like to be hungry, or sick, or betrayed, or lonely, in order to comfort those of us who are hungry or sick or betrayed or lonely. (see Alma 7:12)
The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a miracle beyond comprehension, and we can’t actually take upon ourselves others’ infirmities like The Savior did. However, if the Savior himself needed to understand how we feel in order to succor us in our sorrows, perhaps we can better succor one another when we are able to “walk in their moccasins.”
There is tremendous relief in truly being understood. Years ago, I was struggling with my calling as a full-time mother. It was an era when the ERA amendment was being touted and equal rights for women was sold as Nirvana. My New England neighbors ridiculed me for staying home, saying I was “wasting my education and my talents wiping snotty noses and changing diapers all day.” Their criticism hurt because, indeed, I was lured by the glamour of a tailored suit and a corner office.
My husband didn’t understand what I was going through. My priesthood leaders didn’t understand what I was going through. However, while attending a conference for public relations professionals I made friends with another Latter-day Saint women who felt exactly as I did. We compared notes, commiserated, vented, weighed options, wrote letters and comforted one another. Throughout the process I found the courage to resist the lures of the world and become content with full-time motherhood. My friend met me where I was and together, we discovered where we wanted to go. This like-minded sister knew just what I was going through because she was experiencing the same thing.
If we are suffering it may take some effort to find someone who understands us and can succor us. However, if Jesus had to “feel our pain” in order to succor us, it makes sense that in order to be succored, we will want to find someone who can “feel our pain.”
Finding Like-Minded Sufferers
When my daughter and later my daughter-in-law gave birth to babies with Down Syndrome they joined an organization DSAJ, Down Syndrome Association of Jacksonville. The other mothers in the organization understood the medical challenges they would face and were facing. They helped my girls with practical matters such as finding doctors, therapists, funding, educators. They also gave the moms hope as they shared the joy they experienced having such incredible, delightful children in their families.
Groups for mothers of pre-schoolers can be sanity-savers for young mothers who are experiencing similar challenges with their toddlers every single day. Such groups help mothers with practical matters such as child-care, sleep hacks, potty-training, feeding, as well as emotional matters such as feeling under-valued, unappreciated, overwhelmed or isolated.
There are groups for cancer-survivors, groups for people who have lost children to drunk-drivers, groups for survivors of abuse, groups for those who survived 9-11, groups for newcomers to the neighborhood, groups for retirees, groups for widows and widowers. I recently joined a writer’s group and my fellow-writers have given me inspiration, support, encouragement, friendship, acceptance and courage. There is a lot to be said for someone who knows what you are going through, and can truly empathize not sympathize, as in “poor you”, but empathize, as in, “I get you.”
After a morning of pickleball I sat in a group of women who began talking about being divorced. One woman spoke enthusiastically about her leadership role in a group for women recovering from divorce. She spoke about legal issues, co-parenting, letting go, moving on, etc. She wasn’t pining, or whining. She was empowering. Some of the other women sitting with us leaned forward, asked a number of questions and gained hope from this woman’s experience with groups that help women recovering from divorce.
It may take effort find a group of those who are truly like-minded. For example, my friend who led the women’s divorce group emphasized that the group was not appropriate for widows. The widows are usually grieving the loss of someone they adored, while the divorcees are grieving the loss of someone for whom they likely feel the opposite. Those who were not like-minded had difficulty succoring one another. To present another example, all immigrants are not alike. Some come to the US undocumented, while others are documented. Just because they are all immigrants does not mean they face similar concerns. The emotions they need to share can be vastly different and it helps to share with those who have the same concerns.
Succoring Others
When we are not currently “carrying your own cross” as Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, and are willing to “be at the foot of another’s,” we can effectively succor someone in need. It is impossible to experience all the pains and infirmities the Savior experienced. The Savior is the only one who knows precisely what we are all going through. However, when I became a counselor, I learned a method for succoring those who had experiences different mine.
There was no way I could have experienced myself the variety of things my clients had been through. I had clients who had been abused, and that had not happened to me. I had clients who had been divorced and that had never happened to me. Some clients were struggling with gender-identity and that was something I had not experienced. However, the essence of what they were experiencing was something I could relate to. Although I had not been abused, I knew what it was like to be objectified. Although I had not been divorced, I knew what it was like to be rejected. Although I did not struggle with gender-identity, I had certainly struggled with my identity. It was important that I could hone in on those feelings in order to “get them,” to comprehend the type of pain my clients were experiencing. I had to listen very carefully to understand their pain, and perhaps add a significant multiplier to the pain I had experienced myself. However, I could get there, I could be with them in their pain.
The Society of Succoring
In Spanish “Relief Society” is translated as Sociedad de Socorro, or the “society of succoring.” The organization has evolved over my lifetime, and when I was young it was all about reaching out to others, to your family, to your community. Then there was a period of time where the Relief Society encouraged its members to succor one another. Rather than meet as an entire relief society during the week, the idea was to meet with like-minded sisters, those who were interested in the same things. These groups were intended to be a modern-day version of our mothers’ sewing circle. They would provide the exact same resource as any other group—women offering succor to those who had had similar experiences.
Ostensibly, Latter-day Saints understand one another better than those of other faiths, or those who are not part of any faith group. Because we are a like-minded group of Christians we will be able to succor one another more effectively than a groups from different faith traditions, or those who don’t believe in a deity.
Accepting Succoring
Sometimes we can be proud and independent and think that we need to suffer all on our own. We may be reluctant to attend such programs as an addiction-recovery group provided by the church. However, those who take advantage of the fellowship of fellow-suffers can find tremendous relief. One of the reasons these programs work is because they are full of those who have been succored and felt the relief of being understood and they are now in a position to succor others.
We can all benefit from fellowship with like-minded people. Sometimes we share our sorrows and we succor one another. Sometimes we share our joys and we celebrate with one another. People in the same situation, or who have had the same experiences benefit from someone who “gets them.” There is no reason to go at it alone. The Savior may have taken our sins upon himself so that he could succor us in a way that no one else could. But he also provided communities where we could benefit from the succor of others and where we could learn the joy of succoring.
JeaNette Goates Smith is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the author of four self-help books for families. She and her husband recently served as mission leaders in the Dominican Republic. More information is available at www.smithfamilytherapy.org