Anybody who thinks that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is run entirely by men does not understand marriage. As a marriage therapist I can attest that in a healthy marriage couples counsel together, they take influence from one another, they receive inspiration from one another, and they make decisions together.

I believe that President Nelson carefully chose who he would marry after his wife of 60 years passed away. Wendy Watson was the perfect choice to support him in his ministry. She is brilliant and spiritual. She understands how marriages work. As a professor at Brigham Young University, she authored two fantastic books on marriage. I am certain that Wendy Watson has been a valuable confidant to President Nelson and has had a tremendous influence on the direction and the effectiveness of the ministry of the prophet.

Serving Side by Side

My husband Bret and I had the unique experience of serving as mission leaders before he was called to serve as a stake president. This was an unusual sequence of events, as the majority of mission presidents serve as stake presidents before they are called to serve as mission leaders. However, we found the sequence of these callings extremely valuable.

As mission leaders we both worked together toward the exact same goal. We were of one mind, with no other distractions. Everything we did we did together. We were concerned about the same work. We had the same goals. We prayed for the same blessings. We gathered the same sheep.

We continued serving with one mind when we returned from the mission. Bret’s sheep were my sheep. His goals were my goals. Our quest was to bring souls to Christ.

Counseling Together

In a healthy marriage, a priesthood leader shares his concerns with his spouse. He asks for her advice. While maintaining confidences, he invites her to pray on behalf of those he serves. He recognizes her ability to receive revelation to help him and those within his stewardship, and he trusts the revelation she receives. He values her perspective and her wisdom.

In a healthy marriage a spouse comforts an overwhelmed priesthood leader. She reassures him, she helps him see the big picture. She presents options he may not have considered. She expresses confidence in him. She reminds him of the capabilities he has and reminds him of the times the Lord has guided him in the work.

The man who understands how the priesthood works treats his wife like a valued companion. He doesn’t simply consider her to be someone who takes care of things at home so he has less to worry about. He recognizes she is a wise counselor who can help him serve better and make better decisions.

Our time here on earth is training for our role in the eternities. The temple experience instructs us in how we will serve in the eternities. In 2019 The Young Women’s Theme was changed to read “I am a daughter of heavenly parents.” This change speaks to Eliza R. Snow’s observation, “In the heavens are parents single? No, the thought makes reason stare!” I would ask, if in the heavens men serve alone, without a spouse by their side offering wise counsel? The thought makes reason stare.

I have observed powerful marriages in the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am convinced that the men who visibly lead this church are influenced in a major way by their spouses who are less visible. The less visible spouse is aware of her influence but is humble enough that she doesn’t need recognition for her contribution.

Ministering Together

In a healthy marriage, a priesthood leader shares not only the challenges of his calling but also the joy. He shares the inspiration he receives to say just the right thing at the right time. He celebrates when souls come unto Christ. The couple rejoice together because the wife is as excited as the husband at finding lost sheep. Bret and I have felt tremendous joy teaching with the missionaries in our home, fellowshipping less-active members, and taking couples to the temple for the first time.

Supporting a priesthood leader doesn’t mean the wife sits at home, and keeps her mouth shut about all the hours her spouse spends away from home. This misnomer is entirely wrong and will destroy a marriage and often a testimony. In a healthy marriage, a priesthood leader wants to be home as often as possible. This is where he gets his inspiration, his energy. Counseling with his wife makes his work far more efficient when he is gone. When he must be away, he often includes his wife or another family member in his ministry.

There are many ways couples can serve together that do not divide their time. Couples can chaperone youth events together. They can teach classes together. They can make ministering visits together. Men don’t have to minister only with men and women only with women. When my husband is called upon to give a sister a blessing, he prefers that I join him because my presence usually helps the sister feel more comfortable. I accompany him to meetings where he feels my input might be valuable. There are very few meetings where the spouse of a priesthood leader would not be welcome. If participating in meetings is impractical because a couple has young children at home, the issues that arise during these meetings can always be discussed later with a spouse.

Why Women Grumble

Holding the priesthood is all about service. It’s a lot of work. I’m don’t believe that women who claim they should have the priesthood really want to do a lot more work. I don’t think they relish a life full of meetings and interviews. I think they want recognition for having the capacity to do the work: they are as wise, as organized, as spiritual, and as able to receive revelation as a man. I believe the archaic tradition of men lauding their authority/power/judgement/decisions over women is what has made women push back.

Men who truly understand and honor their priesthood do not laud themselves over women; they are humble. They recognize they are not smarter, more organized, more spiritual or more able to receive revelation than women. They serve where they are called, and they recognize they cannot do their calling well without considering the counsel of a wise, organized, spiritual and sensitive-to-the-spirit spouse.

Men and women will find their relationships become relationships of cooperation, rather than competition when they humbly acknowledge that both members of the couple are equally wise, organized, spiritual, and able to receive revelation. The couple then sees that priesthood callings simply define the division of labor. The wife doesn’t try to do the husband’s job any more than the elders’ quorum president tries to do the bishop’s job, or the bishop tries to do the stake president’s job.

The priesthood is all about authority within a specific stewardship. Once, our son ran clear across the field during a football game and made a textbook tackle. The coach was furious. “Stay in your lane,” he shouted. It didn’t matter how well our son did the job. It weakened the defensive scheme the coach had intended when our son tried to do someone else’s job. In the church and in a marriage we each have our “lanes”. Our team will play far more effectively when we each stay in our lane and do our own job as well as we possibly can.

While each has their individual stewardship, in a marriage “what matters to thee matters to me.”  I cannot sit back and watch Bret struggle with an issue in his calling and pretend not to care.  His concerns concern me.  If I can be a resource, I’m all about it.

This doesn’t mean I covet the callings my husband receives in the church. I have wanted Bret to succeed in every calling he ever had because if he succeeds, I succeed. He is gathering Zion, which is exactly what I desire. It doesn’t make any difference who has the title, or who receives the recognition. It matters that souls are coming unto Christ.

Accepting Influence

Women lose faith in a cooperative relationship if they provide counsel that is repeatedly ignored. This reality applies in counsels as well as in marriages. Rather than becoming more unified, such couples/counsels become more divided. Men who “throw their weight around” and make decisions unilaterally miss out on the success that can be had in both their marriages and in their callings were they to value their wife’s input.

Listening to their wives doesn’t mean men always do what exactly what their wives suggest. Placating jokes claim that the man is the “head” of the house, and the wife is the “neck,” and as we all know the neck turns the head. A similar joke asserts that men make all the big decisions in a marriage and women all the small ones. The teller then adds, “In our years of marriage, we have never faced a big decision.” Such jokes are misleading. A wife doesn’t make decisions unilaterally any more than the husband does. They work together.

In reality, couples who counsel together follow the model of the prophets. The 12 members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles all come from very different backgrounds and have very different viewpoints. However, when counseling together, they listen to one another, seek to find unity, and refrain from making decisions until they are all in accord. The same unity of thought happens in a healthy marriage. Husbands and wives counsel together, pray together, carefully consider the other’s perspective, seek the guidance of the spirit, and by the time a decision is made, they are unified.

Counseling together doesn’t mean that the priesthood leader is incapable of leading without the input of a spouse.  Counseling together follows the adage, “two heads are better than one.” Bouncing ideas off a trusted confident helps create clarity; it invites a broader perspective and it leads to inspiration.

The Smiths served as mission leaders in the Dominican Republic from 2017 to 2020. JeaNette is the author of Side by Side: Supporting a Spouse in Church Service, published in 2004 by Deseret Book.