p.s. Ric, what you are talking about with the wife not being the primary accountability partner is best practice stuff. That said, experts also say that a wife can ask for how much she would like to know along the way. For your wife, it sounds like daily check-ins are not something she needs. But some women feel like that is helpful, not just to know where husband is with addiction, but also to be able to share where SHE is in her process of healing. Each couple has to find what works for them, and it often takes some trial and error and time to figure that out.
Hope and Healing AdminJune 17, 2016
Just a few thoughts.
Robin and Ric, the primary purpose of the Hope and Healing site and forum is to provide support and help for women to find their recovery. This post was simply to share a wife's perspective on what she has seen in her husband in his recovery, some of the before/after changes she has seen. We have a wife's story about her 12-step recovery work coming up soon!
Concerned, CBT and EMDR are definitely good tools to know about, and ones that many in recovery use. Thanks for bringing that up. I have also seen those with experience with recovery recommending finding therapists who understand addiction, such as CSATs (certified Sex Addiction Therapists) or specialists like those in the LifeStar program.
I understandJune 15, 2016
Thank you. My ex husband wasn't willing to go to counseling for himself or our marriage. I firmly believe had he made a choice to do so the atonement would have healed the rift the porn addiction helped widen. He too never shared feelings...ever. I wish our story could have had a different ending...or just hadn't of had an ending. I am glad to hear about others who work and work and work to salvage their marriage. I have deep respect for you!
L TJune 15, 2016
Paul thank you for your comments. I believe what is understood may be understated to often, and that is how the brain works. Anything that we see,touch,taste, smell or hear creates a new neural pathway. An addict who is exposed to or participates in his/her addiction creates a new pathway in the brain, that becomes part of the subconscious. That increases the amount of negative influence stored in the memory. Only through the Atonement can one have hope of overcoming an addiction. It is the process of allowing the Savior to do His work in our lives. As stated it takes reaching 'humility' to open our hearts and minds. Recovery is a life long process as every addict knows. One must stand guard to fight external and internal influences otherwise relapse becomes a reality. The Church has always been ahead of science because of the revelation it receives. Pornography is such a disease that statistically the national average for first time viewing of pornography is eleven years of age. Thank goodness for the Gospel and repentance. All available resources either in or out of the church may help one recover from an addiction, but only the Atonement will help save one's soul.
nerdJune 15, 2016
I have the privilege of sitting in councils with some of the best professionals in the area who deal with addictions of all sorts. They are amazing - and successful in all aspects of their lives. One thing I have learned is that Christ truly heals, that Christ can heal completely. Perhaps some "addicts" are ok with being in a perpetual state of "recovery." Fine. But, I would recommend asking any therapist before becoming a lifelong patient (customer), if he or she believes that your addiction can be healed. Ask them if they believe whether someone who claims to have been an addict and is now healed is in denial. After that discussion, it is up to you to decide to continue with that professional. Love love love Elder Richard G Scott's wise observations and counsel.
PaulJune 15, 2016
We are fortunate that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has an Addiction Recovery Program that is centered around learning to utilize the Atonement of Jesus Christ to help the addict in their recovery. The program works for those who have an addiction to anything; sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, anger, etc. The program also works well at helping family and friends of the addict to use the Atonement in their own healing process. There are special groups for those with pornography and sexual problems for both males and females. There are also family support groups available. To find a group, go to https://addictionrecovery.lds.org and look under “Finding a Meeting”.
The program was literally a life saver for me and has been a tremendous help to my wife.
RicJune 15, 2016
I can appreciate a lot of what was said in this article and although much of it is true, I just pose the question: Why is a non-addict telling addicts how they should be? I have been seeking recovery from addiction for some time now. I will admit there have been times when I have been less than desirous to overcome because the pleasure of the moment can overcome some of the guilt, but in the end recovery is the best path and I am grateful for the progress I have made. However, in 12-step programs, which have been proven to be the best way to recovery, we learn from other addicts in recovery how to live in recovery. I would appreciate it if the article title here was changed to "Recovery from Addiction as told from a Spouse's Perspective." I agree that addiction recovery requires more than just sobriety, but sobriety must exist for recovery to happen and until the chemical dependencies in the brain can be overcome through time and healing there is no recovery. Addicts understand these things better than those who haven't dealt with dopamine attacks. It doesn't take much to set them off, so every recovering addict must be on constant guard for years or there is the chance they will end up back in the addiction. New habits must be created. Ways of coping with negative emotions must be practiced. Above all, the isolation of addiction must be removed. Open communication with spouses is essential, but many spouses of addicts don't want to deal with hearing when their addicted spouse has challenging thoughts and emotions that can tie to the addiction. Support persons or sponsors are absolutely necessary, but spouses don't always need to fill that role. My relationship with my wife is better than it has been since our first months of marriage, but I don't check in with her about my addiction each day. Someone else fills that role and it makes us both feel better about our relationship.
ConcernedJune 15, 2016
Since AA may have problems or not be successful for many individuals, another recommendation is finding experienced CBT therapist and groups. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been shown to be very effective. In addition, people who have experienced trauma in life may find EMDR to be highly effective. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprossessing has been well studied and is used with victims of violence and terrorist trauma. Many addicted individuals have witnessed or experienced some form of trauma to their tender soul.
JaneJune 15, 2016
I can completely relate to the author's ignorance of the red flags of sex addiction. When you have a wholesome mindset you don't look for the sleaze factor in your spouse until it becomes blatantly obvious. Spouses of addicts should exercise caution when addicts enter a recovery process. Because they have learned to be professional liars in order to hide their behavior it's not uncommon to fake recovery. They may go through the motions to appease their spouses but fall back into old habits as soon as the spouse let's his/her guard down. The bottom line is until the underlying subconscious programming that craves the addictive substance is eliminated willpower will always fail. The subconscious is a million times more powerful than the conscious mind. If you want to change your behavior but it goes against your subconscious programming you will fail. Humans always revert to autopilot during stress.
RobinJune 15, 2016
These are excellent comments. They seem to be all about the husband. Partners of addicts engage in unhealthy, though different, behaviors, right along with the addict. Partners need recovery as much as the addict, where we learn to focus on ourselves and our own feelings/behaviors. Al-Anon and S-Anon are just as important as AA and SA/SAA/SLAA.
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Hope and Healing AdminJune 17, 2016
p.s. Ric, what you are talking about with the wife not being the primary accountability partner is best practice stuff. That said, experts also say that a wife can ask for how much she would like to know along the way. For your wife, it sounds like daily check-ins are not something she needs. But some women feel like that is helpful, not just to know where husband is with addiction, but also to be able to share where SHE is in her process of healing. Each couple has to find what works for them, and it often takes some trial and error and time to figure that out.
Hope and Healing AdminJune 17, 2016
Just a few thoughts. Robin and Ric, the primary purpose of the Hope and Healing site and forum is to provide support and help for women to find their recovery. This post was simply to share a wife's perspective on what she has seen in her husband in his recovery, some of the before/after changes she has seen. We have a wife's story about her 12-step recovery work coming up soon! Concerned, CBT and EMDR are definitely good tools to know about, and ones that many in recovery use. Thanks for bringing that up. I have also seen those with experience with recovery recommending finding therapists who understand addiction, such as CSATs (certified Sex Addiction Therapists) or specialists like those in the LifeStar program.
I understandJune 15, 2016
Thank you. My ex husband wasn't willing to go to counseling for himself or our marriage. I firmly believe had he made a choice to do so the atonement would have healed the rift the porn addiction helped widen. He too never shared feelings...ever. I wish our story could have had a different ending...or just hadn't of had an ending. I am glad to hear about others who work and work and work to salvage their marriage. I have deep respect for you!
L TJune 15, 2016
Paul thank you for your comments. I believe what is understood may be understated to often, and that is how the brain works. Anything that we see,touch,taste, smell or hear creates a new neural pathway. An addict who is exposed to or participates in his/her addiction creates a new pathway in the brain, that becomes part of the subconscious. That increases the amount of negative influence stored in the memory. Only through the Atonement can one have hope of overcoming an addiction. It is the process of allowing the Savior to do His work in our lives. As stated it takes reaching 'humility' to open our hearts and minds. Recovery is a life long process as every addict knows. One must stand guard to fight external and internal influences otherwise relapse becomes a reality. The Church has always been ahead of science because of the revelation it receives. Pornography is such a disease that statistically the national average for first time viewing of pornography is eleven years of age. Thank goodness for the Gospel and repentance. All available resources either in or out of the church may help one recover from an addiction, but only the Atonement will help save one's soul.
nerdJune 15, 2016
I have the privilege of sitting in councils with some of the best professionals in the area who deal with addictions of all sorts. They are amazing - and successful in all aspects of their lives. One thing I have learned is that Christ truly heals, that Christ can heal completely. Perhaps some "addicts" are ok with being in a perpetual state of "recovery." Fine. But, I would recommend asking any therapist before becoming a lifelong patient (customer), if he or she believes that your addiction can be healed. Ask them if they believe whether someone who claims to have been an addict and is now healed is in denial. After that discussion, it is up to you to decide to continue with that professional. Love love love Elder Richard G Scott's wise observations and counsel.
PaulJune 15, 2016
We are fortunate that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has an Addiction Recovery Program that is centered around learning to utilize the Atonement of Jesus Christ to help the addict in their recovery. The program works for those who have an addiction to anything; sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, anger, etc. The program also works well at helping family and friends of the addict to use the Atonement in their own healing process. There are special groups for those with pornography and sexual problems for both males and females. There are also family support groups available. To find a group, go to https://addictionrecovery.lds.org and look under “Finding a Meeting”. The program was literally a life saver for me and has been a tremendous help to my wife.
RicJune 15, 2016
I can appreciate a lot of what was said in this article and although much of it is true, I just pose the question: Why is a non-addict telling addicts how they should be? I have been seeking recovery from addiction for some time now. I will admit there have been times when I have been less than desirous to overcome because the pleasure of the moment can overcome some of the guilt, but in the end recovery is the best path and I am grateful for the progress I have made. However, in 12-step programs, which have been proven to be the best way to recovery, we learn from other addicts in recovery how to live in recovery. I would appreciate it if the article title here was changed to "Recovery from Addiction as told from a Spouse's Perspective." I agree that addiction recovery requires more than just sobriety, but sobriety must exist for recovery to happen and until the chemical dependencies in the brain can be overcome through time and healing there is no recovery. Addicts understand these things better than those who haven't dealt with dopamine attacks. It doesn't take much to set them off, so every recovering addict must be on constant guard for years or there is the chance they will end up back in the addiction. New habits must be created. Ways of coping with negative emotions must be practiced. Above all, the isolation of addiction must be removed. Open communication with spouses is essential, but many spouses of addicts don't want to deal with hearing when their addicted spouse has challenging thoughts and emotions that can tie to the addiction. Support persons or sponsors are absolutely necessary, but spouses don't always need to fill that role. My relationship with my wife is better than it has been since our first months of marriage, but I don't check in with her about my addiction each day. Someone else fills that role and it makes us both feel better about our relationship.
ConcernedJune 15, 2016
Since AA may have problems or not be successful for many individuals, another recommendation is finding experienced CBT therapist and groups. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been shown to be very effective. In addition, people who have experienced trauma in life may find EMDR to be highly effective. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprossessing has been well studied and is used with victims of violence and terrorist trauma. Many addicted individuals have witnessed or experienced some form of trauma to their tender soul.
JaneJune 15, 2016
I can completely relate to the author's ignorance of the red flags of sex addiction. When you have a wholesome mindset you don't look for the sleaze factor in your spouse until it becomes blatantly obvious. Spouses of addicts should exercise caution when addicts enter a recovery process. Because they have learned to be professional liars in order to hide their behavior it's not uncommon to fake recovery. They may go through the motions to appease their spouses but fall back into old habits as soon as the spouse let's his/her guard down. The bottom line is until the underlying subconscious programming that craves the addictive substance is eliminated willpower will always fail. The subconscious is a million times more powerful than the conscious mind. If you want to change your behavior but it goes against your subconscious programming you will fail. Humans always revert to autopilot during stress.
RobinJune 15, 2016
These are excellent comments. They seem to be all about the husband. Partners of addicts engage in unhealthy, though different, behaviors, right along with the addict. Partners need recovery as much as the addict, where we learn to focus on ourselves and our own feelings/behaviors. Al-Anon and S-Anon are just as important as AA and SA/SAA/SLAA.
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