Interesting article; excellent comments. I would add:
Guys are getting blamed for the lack of "box checking" in finding eternal companions. The guys do have some culpability; but the women are as bad -- but they seem to be less accountable for it.
But then -- guys are getting blamed for everything these days.
HappyWife... HappyLifeAugust 31, 2015
I did not marry a return missionary. He was actually less active when we married, mostly due to work & military schedules (he came when he could). When people asked him where he served is mission he'd say the USNR (United States Naval Reserve). Dang near everyone thought he went to Russia! 29 years later, we are happy. We were sealed on our 5th wedding anniversary, we have 3 daughters and I NEVER told them not to marry non-RM's. They would have missed out on a great guy like their dad. When I was in a YW presidency I taught the same things to those girls. RM / Eagle Scout / Duty to God are all wonderful achievements, but they are not to be the sole measure of a man. What about the man who joins the church in his mid-20's and never had an opportunity to serve a mission? Or someone that had rough teen years and comes back to full activity? Girls, do not overlook these worthy men because of some checklist in your head!
Single DadAugust 30, 2015
Being a single dad for many years, I can attest to some of the problems mentioned here. It’s true, the older one becomes the more complicated life becomes. When you get married at 21, you expect to be poor and to eventually move somewhere far away. But when you are in your 30’s or 40’s or older, marriage is more like trying to merge two corporations. And someone is going to have to move, possibly giving up a home or an established career.
Then there are the expectations. I once overheard two very lovely and desirable women talking about single adult functions. One said “I tried going to those dances, but there weren’t any men worth dating.” After thinking about it, I remembered that I had been to all of “those dances.” It’s sobering to hear that you’re not worth dating, but as a guy, you have to brush that kind of stuff off.
Perhaps one of the greatest problems is Distraction. If Lucifer has another title is these last days, it would be The Great Distractor. Boys distracted by endless online quests or other things. Girls distracted by personal drama or by the huge pressure to “have it all” and “be it all.” And if they don’t “do it all” right now, then they’re a failure. Everyone’s mind in pulled in a thousand directions, so is it any wonder that dating and relationships suffer?
Kevin JKAugust 26, 2015
Another factor that I failed to mention earlier is that men may be hesitant to get married because of the high probability of divorce. If a man marries and starts a family, his wife may leave her job to take care of the kids. The man ends up working more and more hours to make up for her lost salary and to pay for the added expenses kids bring. They may have to buy a bigger house and a minivan. The man works more and more to pay for it all and the wife ends up resenting him spending so much time at work and helping her less and less with the kids and housework. She files for divorce and the man loses his house and kids and is burdened with alimony and child support. Young men today may see the above and decide that they don’t want to spend 60 hours/week at work and lose half their savings and be in debt for a house he doesn’t get to live in. They can rent a house with a number of buddies and play video games and do what they want rather than having to do what a wife and kids want. They don’t have to spend their money paying for a minivan, ballet lessons, braces, etc…Their time and money is their own with little risk for heartache. Until the easy divorce culture is changed, fewer and fewer men will want to marry. The easy hook up culture also discourages marriage in society. Why buy a cow…? Men see marriage as a risky investment that is getting riskier all the time.
Pamela SmithAugust 25, 2015
What I'm surprised by is that the author skips entirely the topic of homosexuality limiting the number of marriageable men. According to popular culture today, you'd think that a full twenty percent of men identify as homosexual. Yet, zero mention. Hmmm?
vickieAugust 25, 2015
it is interesting to me right now in my life because I have two sons who are not married. one son got married too early to a young gal who became LDS to marry him. his career in the airforce and with the military police was too much for her to handle so she went bk home to mommie. at this point she never married and it did upset my son so much he went out looking for love and in a wrong place and wound up unmarried with a son who we dearly love. he tried to make a go of it with the sons mother but it didn't work. then years later he found his eternal mate and she wasn't a member but became one without his help and they were sealed in the temple. well, my son went to war before that and got out of the military but stayed in the guard and became a fed agent and then secret service which she didn't like so she left and asked him to get a divorse. poor guy, he is so good looking and yet the women of today don't want men to work in dangerous fields. my son has his masters in police work and was trained at a civilian police academy as well and loves his job now. his last wife was a good school teacher but as I stated she couldn't hack the job. the wanted my one son to stay with them and be what they wanted him to be. what I see in t his case is more women getting career fields and wanting to be the one in charge and the men to take up obeying them. that isn't how I was raised. the man earned the living and then women followed the man...that has changed...my other son who isn't married went on a mission and came back to go to school. we had been military and retired and was still moving so he developed no real close relationships for marriage so when he came home he went to college and then finally left home and went to work. he just recently got a masters and still hasn't found mrs right. he group dates still and is 30yrs old. he is my youngest of 5 kids. my oldest is my only girl who was 20 when she married but her husband who is a medical doctor was 29ys old. He said he was looking all the time for mrs right and found her at a young adult dance. mind you he was in town because he was military while we were and he was stationed where we were. what I have found is that when the right person comes along it will happen. I trust in God about these things. when I met my husband I was young and we married when I was 18yrs old and he was 22. I wasn't nor was he a member of the church but it was right even though I wasn't looking. it just happened. I read something about chemical attraction and I realized that it is the case as my husbands smell is an attraction to me. its why when someone passes away and you smell some of their things it has their odor on it and its helps you remember them. so there are more things at play here. some young men or women have problems with sexual identity and don't want to make a mistake and maybe get married and then get divorced because of it. they will have to remain single the rest of their lives unless they can handle it. I don't think one should marry just because your suppose to jump right into it...just be looking but really sometimes when your not looking it happens like mine.
Brian HallAugust 25, 2015
Interesting article. Unfortunately, the author from 'TIME' went to two apostates for his comments on the crisis and didn't ask the Church directly. Looks like lazy journalism to me.
Kevin JKAugust 25, 2015
Part of the problem may stem from LDS girls being told over and over again to only marry returned missionaries. A lot of the young men don’t serve missions. These guys may be getting rejected over and over by girls who think they’ll eventually snag an RM. This rejection pushes these young men into the arms of non-LDS girls, whose skirts may be a bit shorter and necklines may be a lit lower…and thereby into inactivity. These non-LDS girls also see the man shortage and are more than happy to lure away these young men who have good family values and who the fussy LDS girls cast aside.
LDS coeds, like many non-LDS ones, may also reject guys who don’t have a college degree. The LDS gals often dream of being a stay-at-home mom and want a man who will make enough money to allow that and reject those who don’t. This likewise limits the choices for these girls and also pushes good LDS guys toward women (often non-LDS) who aren’t big on having kids and want to pursue a career.
Men are known for valuing looks, but women are likewise guilty, especially when it comes to height. Men are much more willing to date a girl taller than them than girls are willing to date shorter guys. The short guys are getting rejected (as are the fat guys, the nerds, the balding, the shy, etc…). Since men place so much value on looks, the LDS girls would be well advised to do what they can to look attractive, especially if they are competing with girls that are prettier and/or have looser standards of modesty or behavior.
Sure, in an “ideal” world, there would be a tall handsome college educated RM for every LDS girl, but that isn’t reality today. The enemy of the good isn’t the bad. The enemy of the good is the “ideal” or “perfect”. So many girls complain about their being so few good guys. There are plenty of good guys, just few ideal ones. The girls need to realize this and be less fussy…or be ready to buy plenty of cat food.
A Happy HubbyAugust 25, 2015
This is a very interesting "study" and hypothesis given. I LOVE it when science takes a look at the LDS religion to give us another view. Sometimes they draw a very wrong conclusion, sometimes they shed some real light. It seems to me in this case they are in the latter case. Just telling the young (and not so young) men over and over "GET MARRIED!! QUICK!!!" might not be all that effective. Good discussion topic to think about.
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James the "Old"August 31, 2015
Interesting article; excellent comments. I would add: Guys are getting blamed for the lack of "box checking" in finding eternal companions. The guys do have some culpability; but the women are as bad -- but they seem to be less accountable for it. But then -- guys are getting blamed for everything these days.
HappyWife... HappyLifeAugust 31, 2015
I did not marry a return missionary. He was actually less active when we married, mostly due to work & military schedules (he came when he could). When people asked him where he served is mission he'd say the USNR (United States Naval Reserve). Dang near everyone thought he went to Russia! 29 years later, we are happy. We were sealed on our 5th wedding anniversary, we have 3 daughters and I NEVER told them not to marry non-RM's. They would have missed out on a great guy like their dad. When I was in a YW presidency I taught the same things to those girls. RM / Eagle Scout / Duty to God are all wonderful achievements, but they are not to be the sole measure of a man. What about the man who joins the church in his mid-20's and never had an opportunity to serve a mission? Or someone that had rough teen years and comes back to full activity? Girls, do not overlook these worthy men because of some checklist in your head!
Single DadAugust 30, 2015
Being a single dad for many years, I can attest to some of the problems mentioned here. It’s true, the older one becomes the more complicated life becomes. When you get married at 21, you expect to be poor and to eventually move somewhere far away. But when you are in your 30’s or 40’s or older, marriage is more like trying to merge two corporations. And someone is going to have to move, possibly giving up a home or an established career. Then there are the expectations. I once overheard two very lovely and desirable women talking about single adult functions. One said “I tried going to those dances, but there weren’t any men worth dating.” After thinking about it, I remembered that I had been to all of “those dances.” It’s sobering to hear that you’re not worth dating, but as a guy, you have to brush that kind of stuff off. Perhaps one of the greatest problems is Distraction. If Lucifer has another title is these last days, it would be The Great Distractor. Boys distracted by endless online quests or other things. Girls distracted by personal drama or by the huge pressure to “have it all” and “be it all.” And if they don’t “do it all” right now, then they’re a failure. Everyone’s mind in pulled in a thousand directions, so is it any wonder that dating and relationships suffer?
Kevin JKAugust 26, 2015
Another factor that I failed to mention earlier is that men may be hesitant to get married because of the high probability of divorce. If a man marries and starts a family, his wife may leave her job to take care of the kids. The man ends up working more and more hours to make up for her lost salary and to pay for the added expenses kids bring. They may have to buy a bigger house and a minivan. The man works more and more to pay for it all and the wife ends up resenting him spending so much time at work and helping her less and less with the kids and housework. She files for divorce and the man loses his house and kids and is burdened with alimony and child support. Young men today may see the above and decide that they don’t want to spend 60 hours/week at work and lose half their savings and be in debt for a house he doesn’t get to live in. They can rent a house with a number of buddies and play video games and do what they want rather than having to do what a wife and kids want. They don’t have to spend their money paying for a minivan, ballet lessons, braces, etc…Their time and money is their own with little risk for heartache. Until the easy divorce culture is changed, fewer and fewer men will want to marry. The easy hook up culture also discourages marriage in society. Why buy a cow…? Men see marriage as a risky investment that is getting riskier all the time.
Pamela SmithAugust 25, 2015
What I'm surprised by is that the author skips entirely the topic of homosexuality limiting the number of marriageable men. According to popular culture today, you'd think that a full twenty percent of men identify as homosexual. Yet, zero mention. Hmmm?
vickieAugust 25, 2015
it is interesting to me right now in my life because I have two sons who are not married. one son got married too early to a young gal who became LDS to marry him. his career in the airforce and with the military police was too much for her to handle so she went bk home to mommie. at this point she never married and it did upset my son so much he went out looking for love and in a wrong place and wound up unmarried with a son who we dearly love. he tried to make a go of it with the sons mother but it didn't work. then years later he found his eternal mate and she wasn't a member but became one without his help and they were sealed in the temple. well, my son went to war before that and got out of the military but stayed in the guard and became a fed agent and then secret service which she didn't like so she left and asked him to get a divorse. poor guy, he is so good looking and yet the women of today don't want men to work in dangerous fields. my son has his masters in police work and was trained at a civilian police academy as well and loves his job now. his last wife was a good school teacher but as I stated she couldn't hack the job. the wanted my one son to stay with them and be what they wanted him to be. what I see in t his case is more women getting career fields and wanting to be the one in charge and the men to take up obeying them. that isn't how I was raised. the man earned the living and then women followed the man...that has changed...my other son who isn't married went on a mission and came back to go to school. we had been military and retired and was still moving so he developed no real close relationships for marriage so when he came home he went to college and then finally left home and went to work. he just recently got a masters and still hasn't found mrs right. he group dates still and is 30yrs old. he is my youngest of 5 kids. my oldest is my only girl who was 20 when she married but her husband who is a medical doctor was 29ys old. He said he was looking all the time for mrs right and found her at a young adult dance. mind you he was in town because he was military while we were and he was stationed where we were. what I have found is that when the right person comes along it will happen. I trust in God about these things. when I met my husband I was young and we married when I was 18yrs old and he was 22. I wasn't nor was he a member of the church but it was right even though I wasn't looking. it just happened. I read something about chemical attraction and I realized that it is the case as my husbands smell is an attraction to me. its why when someone passes away and you smell some of their things it has their odor on it and its helps you remember them. so there are more things at play here. some young men or women have problems with sexual identity and don't want to make a mistake and maybe get married and then get divorced because of it. they will have to remain single the rest of their lives unless they can handle it. I don't think one should marry just because your suppose to jump right into it...just be looking but really sometimes when your not looking it happens like mine.
Brian HallAugust 25, 2015
Interesting article. Unfortunately, the author from 'TIME' went to two apostates for his comments on the crisis and didn't ask the Church directly. Looks like lazy journalism to me.
Kevin JKAugust 25, 2015
Part of the problem may stem from LDS girls being told over and over again to only marry returned missionaries. A lot of the young men don’t serve missions. These guys may be getting rejected over and over by girls who think they’ll eventually snag an RM. This rejection pushes these young men into the arms of non-LDS girls, whose skirts may be a bit shorter and necklines may be a lit lower…and thereby into inactivity. These non-LDS girls also see the man shortage and are more than happy to lure away these young men who have good family values and who the fussy LDS girls cast aside. LDS coeds, like many non-LDS ones, may also reject guys who don’t have a college degree. The LDS gals often dream of being a stay-at-home mom and want a man who will make enough money to allow that and reject those who don’t. This likewise limits the choices for these girls and also pushes good LDS guys toward women (often non-LDS) who aren’t big on having kids and want to pursue a career. Men are known for valuing looks, but women are likewise guilty, especially when it comes to height. Men are much more willing to date a girl taller than them than girls are willing to date shorter guys. The short guys are getting rejected (as are the fat guys, the nerds, the balding, the shy, etc…). Since men place so much value on looks, the LDS girls would be well advised to do what they can to look attractive, especially if they are competing with girls that are prettier and/or have looser standards of modesty or behavior. Sure, in an “ideal” world, there would be a tall handsome college educated RM for every LDS girl, but that isn’t reality today. The enemy of the good isn’t the bad. The enemy of the good is the “ideal” or “perfect”. So many girls complain about their being so few good guys. There are plenty of good guys, just few ideal ones. The girls need to realize this and be less fussy…or be ready to buy plenty of cat food.
A Happy HubbyAugust 25, 2015
This is a very interesting "study" and hypothesis given. I LOVE it when science takes a look at the LDS religion to give us another view. Sometimes they draw a very wrong conclusion, sometimes they shed some real light. It seems to me in this case they are in the latter case. Just telling the young (and not so young) men over and over "GET MARRIED!! QUICK!!!" might not be all that effective. Good discussion topic to think about.
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