I have been through much in similar ways. my husband has a more straight line of understanding and has a difficult time with my daughters development. One of the problems you mentioned is she seems depressed. go and have her tested to find out if she is bi polar or any other type.the right meds will help alot, I do suggest a natural meds they will help the most. my daughter got pregnant at 18 and had a child then she tried to kill her self. then we found out she was bi polar. once she leaves your home your options become limited. try to find out . don't stay in denial . I was and its be very difficult to pull her back. but above all remember to just love her. even if she screws up. she is still your child. don't abandon her she is still growing. I do love my daughter and I will be there for her but I don't approve of all her choices. but I still love her. that is the most important of all. study the gospel and pray together. remember all that the savior teaches the answers are there. have faith and hold tight to your family especially your husband. it will be rough, but you will learn so much. God Bless
S KayApril 11, 2015
I'm not sure I agree with your advice. I'm sure the father loves the daughter but that doesn't mean he can understand her or respond to her in a way that she needs. Instead of revealing the daughters confusion about who she is attracted to (which she hasn't done anything about), and creating a much worse situation in the family, the mother should encourage her husband to find common ground with her daughter and have some bonding moments together. Things like hiking, fishing, laser tag, bowling. Whatever common ground they can have together works. Once the Father and daughter have established more of a relationship, then understanding will follow.
DavidApril 10, 2015
Having been in a smilier situation (the father) I can tell you about some unintended consequences if you choose to withhold and keep it a secret.
It will eventually begin to marginalize the father. Particularly for the daughter as she will learn that Dad isn't really necessary and she can just go to Mom to confide in. Eventually Dad will figure out something is going on because there are too many "gaps" in various circumstances. Soon your daughter will rebel more against her father in other situations because she has learned she doesn't need to include Dad. Mom will deal with it in her way. Mom will gradually keep more and more away because it is just easier to deal with it on a mother and daughter. Dad just complicates things. After a while Dad starts to wonder exactly what is his role as a father. Especially like a disease this attitude begins to permiate throughout the relationship when Mom indicates there is another situation to deal with but not to worry about it. It is best if she and her daughter take care of it. Soon Dad begins to wonder what is the relevance of his daughter having a father. Perhaps the father has another useful perspective or brings other insights to the situation that could help. Despite it being difficult, in the end i think this is a main reason why our Heavenly Father intended for everyone to have a Father and Mother.
Of course this all assumes you have a somewhat reasonable and rationale spouse. I would suggest arranging a time to discuss the situation with your husband when there is sufficient time and space between him and your daughter so there is no regretful responses with your daughter around. Let him express his passionate anger, frustration, what ever it is to you. Be his sounding board. Then when he has calmed down. Have a few constructive ideas about how you both can deal with the situation together as a team. It is important that your daughter knows she has a father and a mother. Not just one or the other who can be manipulated and played against each other.
While it might be easier in the short run to take the single parent approach, in the end it will begin to drive a wedge in your marriage. A wedge of doubt, a wedge of distrust. Is that really worth it? In another situation my wife took the high road and while she initially let our daughter confide in her about the very poor decisions she had recently made she told her that she would have to also tell her father. In our situation, though our 15 year old did not want to tell me what she had done (feared my response), her mother told her she would have to be accountable to her father. I had no idea what was coming when she told me. It hit me like a semi-truck. I just sat there and listened, remained calm, and asked some questions to try and understand. I'm generally not a really angry person and so the situation ended up being a positive one in spite of what our daughter had done.
In the long run I believe it is best to be honest with your husband. There may be short term benefits, avoiding a huge ugly fight, but in the end it separates you and your husband and teaches your daughter that father's aren't important and you may even be sucked into that attitude too.
I empathize with your situation. It is very hard. Good luck
Eric BunkerApril 10, 2015
Speaking generally, our culture is in a war within itself about the value of men in a family. So often in popular media, fathers are made out to be impetuous teenage buffoons. When I was in the mission field in the early 70s, the church instructed us missionaries to teach whole families. More often than not, the wife and mother dominated the household. We were to encourage the father to take his rightful lead in the family decision-making process. However, with current feminists’ attitudes, any man that tries to take a leadership role in his home is called an abuser and a usurper, including the claim that he could be even dangerous as per JewellFox in a previous post. I’ve seen a number of times, a mom who becomes so myopically focused on a sick child, that they forget to care for the other children in the home, even the spousal relationship, which is the most important relationship.
If one reads between the lines of the email, mom is saying this to everybody, “I am the mom. Only I know what is best for my child. Dad needs to see my way of thinking. Tell me what I need to do to force him to see that my way is the best way.” It is clear to me that this has been her attitude all along. I think if he had been included in the decision-making from the start, with his opinion valued, he would not be in the angry state that he is in now. He actually might be able to give a broader perspective on the situation. However, this mom is probably in the attitude of “I’m right, your wrong” so deep that she has lost her perspective. To me, she’s acting more like an enabler, shielding her daughter from the consequences of her choices.
I don’t like to see the father so combative with his daughter. That is not the way a priesthood holder should relate with others. Nevertheless, he may have a useful perspective the mom does not want to hear. He is just as entitled to receive heavenly guidance as the mom.
KandaceApril 10, 2015
Actually, he does.. "If you really feel like your husband is a threat to your daughter’s safety, than that’s a different issue that should be handled with outside support. "
KandaceApril 10, 2015
Yes, he does. "If you really feel like your husband is a threat to your daughter’s safety, than that’s a different issue that should be handled with outside support. "
JewelfoxApril 9, 2015
You do not seem to be taking into account the possibility that her husband could, in fact, be dangerous to her daughter. And that keeping secrets from him -- while surely stressful -- could be necessary for her safety.
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mom at HomeApril 14, 2015
I have been through much in similar ways. my husband has a more straight line of understanding and has a difficult time with my daughters development. One of the problems you mentioned is she seems depressed. go and have her tested to find out if she is bi polar or any other type.the right meds will help alot, I do suggest a natural meds they will help the most. my daughter got pregnant at 18 and had a child then she tried to kill her self. then we found out she was bi polar. once she leaves your home your options become limited. try to find out . don't stay in denial . I was and its be very difficult to pull her back. but above all remember to just love her. even if she screws up. she is still your child. don't abandon her she is still growing. I do love my daughter and I will be there for her but I don't approve of all her choices. but I still love her. that is the most important of all. study the gospel and pray together. remember all that the savior teaches the answers are there. have faith and hold tight to your family especially your husband. it will be rough, but you will learn so much. God Bless
S KayApril 11, 2015
I'm not sure I agree with your advice. I'm sure the father loves the daughter but that doesn't mean he can understand her or respond to her in a way that she needs. Instead of revealing the daughters confusion about who she is attracted to (which she hasn't done anything about), and creating a much worse situation in the family, the mother should encourage her husband to find common ground with her daughter and have some bonding moments together. Things like hiking, fishing, laser tag, bowling. Whatever common ground they can have together works. Once the Father and daughter have established more of a relationship, then understanding will follow.
DavidApril 10, 2015
Having been in a smilier situation (the father) I can tell you about some unintended consequences if you choose to withhold and keep it a secret. It will eventually begin to marginalize the father. Particularly for the daughter as she will learn that Dad isn't really necessary and she can just go to Mom to confide in. Eventually Dad will figure out something is going on because there are too many "gaps" in various circumstances. Soon your daughter will rebel more against her father in other situations because she has learned she doesn't need to include Dad. Mom will deal with it in her way. Mom will gradually keep more and more away because it is just easier to deal with it on a mother and daughter. Dad just complicates things. After a while Dad starts to wonder exactly what is his role as a father. Especially like a disease this attitude begins to permiate throughout the relationship when Mom indicates there is another situation to deal with but not to worry about it. It is best if she and her daughter take care of it. Soon Dad begins to wonder what is the relevance of his daughter having a father. Perhaps the father has another useful perspective or brings other insights to the situation that could help. Despite it being difficult, in the end i think this is a main reason why our Heavenly Father intended for everyone to have a Father and Mother. Of course this all assumes you have a somewhat reasonable and rationale spouse. I would suggest arranging a time to discuss the situation with your husband when there is sufficient time and space between him and your daughter so there is no regretful responses with your daughter around. Let him express his passionate anger, frustration, what ever it is to you. Be his sounding board. Then when he has calmed down. Have a few constructive ideas about how you both can deal with the situation together as a team. It is important that your daughter knows she has a father and a mother. Not just one or the other who can be manipulated and played against each other. While it might be easier in the short run to take the single parent approach, in the end it will begin to drive a wedge in your marriage. A wedge of doubt, a wedge of distrust. Is that really worth it? In another situation my wife took the high road and while she initially let our daughter confide in her about the very poor decisions she had recently made she told her that she would have to also tell her father. In our situation, though our 15 year old did not want to tell me what she had done (feared my response), her mother told her she would have to be accountable to her father. I had no idea what was coming when she told me. It hit me like a semi-truck. I just sat there and listened, remained calm, and asked some questions to try and understand. I'm generally not a really angry person and so the situation ended up being a positive one in spite of what our daughter had done. In the long run I believe it is best to be honest with your husband. There may be short term benefits, avoiding a huge ugly fight, but in the end it separates you and your husband and teaches your daughter that father's aren't important and you may even be sucked into that attitude too. I empathize with your situation. It is very hard. Good luck
Eric BunkerApril 10, 2015
Speaking generally, our culture is in a war within itself about the value of men in a family. So often in popular media, fathers are made out to be impetuous teenage buffoons. When I was in the mission field in the early 70s, the church instructed us missionaries to teach whole families. More often than not, the wife and mother dominated the household. We were to encourage the father to take his rightful lead in the family decision-making process. However, with current feminists’ attitudes, any man that tries to take a leadership role in his home is called an abuser and a usurper, including the claim that he could be even dangerous as per JewellFox in a previous post. I’ve seen a number of times, a mom who becomes so myopically focused on a sick child, that they forget to care for the other children in the home, even the spousal relationship, which is the most important relationship. If one reads between the lines of the email, mom is saying this to everybody, “I am the mom. Only I know what is best for my child. Dad needs to see my way of thinking. Tell me what I need to do to force him to see that my way is the best way.” It is clear to me that this has been her attitude all along. I think if he had been included in the decision-making from the start, with his opinion valued, he would not be in the angry state that he is in now. He actually might be able to give a broader perspective on the situation. However, this mom is probably in the attitude of “I’m right, your wrong” so deep that she has lost her perspective. To me, she’s acting more like an enabler, shielding her daughter from the consequences of her choices. I don’t like to see the father so combative with his daughter. That is not the way a priesthood holder should relate with others. Nevertheless, he may have a useful perspective the mom does not want to hear. He is just as entitled to receive heavenly guidance as the mom.
KandaceApril 10, 2015
Actually, he does.. "If you really feel like your husband is a threat to your daughter’s safety, than that’s a different issue that should be handled with outside support. "
KandaceApril 10, 2015
Yes, he does. "If you really feel like your husband is a threat to your daughter’s safety, than that’s a different issue that should be handled with outside support. "
JewelfoxApril 9, 2015
You do not seem to be taking into account the possibility that her husband could, in fact, be dangerous to her daughter. And that keeping secrets from him -- while surely stressful -- could be necessary for her safety.
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