The Church

By H. Wallace Goddard

Mom says I was a pleasant baby. I suspect that I was probably a pretty normal child. Yet I remember spending a lot of my growing-up years annoying and battling my siblings. I suppose that our struggles with siblings teach all of us many maladaptive lessons.

Probably we’re not deliberately malicious. In fact our official theology tells us that children are born innocent (See D&C 93:39.). But, as we struggle to secure a place in the life and love of the family, we learn to put our own needs first and foremost.

When I attempted to inventory some of the maladaptive skills I developed in my youth, I came up with the following list. Consider whether you developed some of these attitudes and abilities in your childhood.

• Make sure my needs got met. (Go for the biggest piece of cake.)
• Defend myself. (Don’t show weakness. Return fire for fire.)
• See the other person as guilty. (Consider even innocent behavior as aggressive or selfish.)
• Zero in on weaknesses in others. (Notice what makes others crazy.)
• Make fun of and minimize the other person. (Treat others with disdain.)
• Color the truth. (Tell stories in ways that make myself look innocent.)
• Argue their wickedness persuasively. (Describe their faults derisively.)
• Be aware of the audience. (Be aware of Mom and Dad’s irritations with the enemy sibling.)
• Hurt them and keep them afraid. (Learn the tools of terrorism.)

It’s amazing what awful things we can learn in the course of growing up. I think these tendencies underscore the literal truth of the Lord’s message to Adam: “Inasmuch as thy children are conceived in [a world of] sin, even so when they begin to grow up, sin conceiveth in their hearts” (Moses 6:55). This world teaches us to look after ourselves at all costs. Truly, the natural child – the one who attends only to his own needs – is an enemy to siblings (See Mosiah 3:19).

Carrying the Lessons into Marriage

As we grow up and enter adult relationships, consider how maladaptive such oft-practiced thoughts and behaviors can be. Consider each of them in the context of marriage.

• Make sure my needs got met. (Go for the biggest piece of cake.)
• Defend myself. (Don’t show weakness. Return fire for fire.)
• See other as guilty. (Consider even innocent behavior as aggressive or selfish.)
• Zero in on weaknesses in others. (Notice what makes others crazy.)
• Make fun of and minimize the other person. (Treat others with disdain.)
• Color the truth. (Tell stories in ways that make myself look innocent.)
• Argue their wickedness persuasively. (Describe their faults derisively.)
• Be aware of the audience. (Be aware of Mom and Dad’s irritations with the enemy.)
• Hurt them and keep them afraid. (Learn the tools of terrorism.)

These lessons for childhood survival do not contribute to healthy marital functioning. If we are to have a strong marriage, we must unlearn these ways. Or we must learn better ways.

This awfulness is reminiscent of the mother who overheard her little girl and a neighbor girl playing house. They decided to get married and the little girl began the vows: “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You may now kiss the bride.”

A more painful and realistic portrayal of marriage was provided by a man who submitted this question to an online family service.

“After 13 years of marriage, I’ve come to realize that I really don’t like my wife. She is everything that I despise in a wife and a person. I’m a religious man and have tried everything the books say, have taken direct orders from our pastor to implement actions all in an effort to cause a positive change in the marriage. The bottom line is, I see no positive aspects to my wife’s personality and it taints all of her relationships, especially ours. I really dislike being around her and I’ve run out of solutions. Just short of divorce, is there anything that can be done as a final effort to salvage this marriage? BC in NM”

Can Anything be Done?

The Lord has provided the cure for the childhood lessons we learned in self-defense. Maybe we were supposed to learn these lessons in childhood – though most of us learn them imperfectly if at all.

Therefore I give unto you a commandment [A commandment!], to teach these things freely unto your children, [Note what is to be taught!] saying:

That by reason of transgression cometh the fall,
which fall bringeth death,
and inasmuch as ye were born into the world by water, and blood,
and the spirit, which I have made,
and so became of dust a living soul,
even so ye must be born again into the kingdom of heaven, of water, and of the Spirit,
and be cleansed by blood, even the blood of mine Only Begotten;
that ye might be sanctified from all sin,
and enjoy the words of eternal life in this world,
and eternal life in the world to come,
even immortal glory (Moses 6:58-59).

Without a new birth, we will never be what we should be in marriage. We will drag our sick, troubled, tortured ways into every encounter and every relationship. God invites us to bury the diseased natural man and be born again as new creatures in Christ.

But, can the gospel of Jesus Christ really help us function better in the day-to-day challenges of marriage?

Surprised by the Doctrine

On one occasion an earnest, intelligent, LDS mother sought me out for advice. “My husband is a good man but I no longer find him attractive. I am thinking about leaving him. But I am not sure if it is right.”

I really wanted to help this good woman find answers to her dilemma. I hoped my training in relationships and my years of marriage would help. I prayed for guidance.

Much to my surprise I found myself talking to her about the atonement of Christ.

After it all spilled out, I paused, wondering how to apply the doctrine of the atonement to her dilemma. But her face told me that nothing more needed to be said. The atonement of Jesus Christ was the answer. Because of His goodness, we are reconciled to God. When we are reconciled to God, we are reconciled to each other. His goodness makes us One.

Filled with charity – that sweet and divine gift of heavenly love – she felt a renewed bond with her husband. She chose to stay with him. Gladly. Joyously. Lovingly. Their marriage is strong today.

The Answers are in the Principles

The Gospel of Jesus Christ – that great plan of happiness – provides the solutions for our humanness. Having suffered the bitter fruits of badness, it invites us to prize the good fruits of gospel-anchored relationships (See Moses 6:55.).

Most marriage programs emphasize a set of skills to express discontents in fair, non-attacking ways. The assumption is that every marriage has its discontents and that those must be processed in non-destructive ways in order to function well.

My assumption is very different. I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, god-seeking person – to be born again – to be a new creature in Christ. When we are more godly, there are fewer things that bother us. And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways.

Notice that God offers just one single escape clause from our desperate mortal, fallen situation:

For the natural [spouse] is an enemy to God [and his or her partner],
and has been from the fall of Adam,
and will be, forever and ever,
unless [Here comes the escape clause!]
he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit,
and putteth off the natural man
and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord…
(Mosiah 3:19)

In the upcoming columns, I will discuss the core gospel principles and describe the ways they can take us from our self-serving and self-centered traditions of the natural spouse – the spouse unchanged by the Spirit of God – toward the good and gracious ways of godliness. These are the First Principles of Eternal Marriage.