It was a very cold, winter night in Heber, Utah, but warm in the restaurant I dined in. I was with two companions enjoying a nice meal. The door to the parking lot opened, and in spite of the howling, bitter cold wind, the elderly man opening the door continued to hold it open several minutes, letting in the freezing cold air, while he waited for his tiny little wife to slowly shuffle in. To the patrons inside it was either adorable or annoying to watch this couple enter the restaurant. My dinner companion said gruffly and sarcastically, “Only a General Authority would hold a door open that long for his wife!” I rolled my eyes. I was of the opinion that it was rather cute and sweet to see a man so diligently and chivalrously hold open a door. A moment later the couple walked right by us, and much to our surprise we recognized them. It was in fact Elder Marvin J. Ashton and his wife. Apparently my companion was right- a General Authority would hold open a door that long for his wife!
The conversation that followed took on many points regarding the differences between chivalry and chauvinism, and feminism and femininity. Chivalry is to show kindness, gallantry, politeness, and valor to a member of the opposite sex – primarily known as the kindness a man may show a woman. Chauvinism on the other hand is compared with bigotry, zealous behavior, bias, and extreme partiality to one’s beliefs (typically that s/he is always right). Chivalry and chauvinism are natural enemies, while feminists will offer arguments that feminism and femininity are evil step-sisters. Dating in the modern age is rife with conflict and confusion as the battle between these ideals grow.
As I meet men and pursue dating relationships, I look for signs of chivalry and chauvinism. I’m not saying I hold every man I meet to General Authority standards (for the General Authorities are but a chosen few, and not all men will be just like them), but chauvinists don’t last more than a few seconds. I have no time for such nonsense, inconsiderate, and egotistical behavior. But a man who understands the art of chivalry, without coming across as condescending, is worth keeping around.
Chivalry and Feminism and Dating
There are many women, myself included, who constantly find themselves at odds in the dating world, trying to balance an independent streak, feminism, chivalry, chauvinism, ladylike behavior, and so on. It isn’t an easy balance to find, and often, many people misconstrue gospel principles to promote or disapprove of too much feminism, or too much chivalry. When do we let the man pay for a date? And how many dates should he have to pay for? And should we or should we not be baking cookies to repay for favors? Where is the equality in dating? Should there be equality in dating?
As a woman, I do not see how things like opening the door for me demeans me. In fact, if a man makes no effort to open a door for me, I take note. This tiny little gesture speaks volumes. But on the other hand, I’m a very independent woman, and I move at a very fast pace. Don’t expect me to stand around waiting patiently, graciously, and hopelessly for someone to pick up my hanky.
Submission is not the same as chauvinism
In the Church it is preached that we should follow traditional roles where the man or priesthood leader is the breadwinner, and the mother stays home to nurture her family. We are also taught that our dating habits should model how we want our future homes to be like. But this is often contradictory to the lifestyles of many singles. A single woman is encouraged to get an education, and then, to pursue a career. How is a single woman to find that balance between being good at her career, and ascending the mythical ladder, while also assuming the traditional role of homemaker?
God created man and woman in His image, which is to say they were created equal. They were each given individual gifts where the sum is greater than the whole of its parts. The unique talents of the two sexes were taken into consideration, and the duties of the Children of God were assigned respectively. If we are to model our dating and courtship years after what it is we desire to experience in marriage, we must take into consideration our God-given roles and cherish them. For single women this may be the ultimate challenge- to learn to tend to our own individual needs, and provide for ourselves, while striving to achieve the opposite. And then when the season comes to leave singlehood, we must be prepared to leave behind the stability and independence that we were forced into achieving.
As women in the professional workforce, and even younger in our high school environments, determined to prove our equality up against the men who do not understand the difference and delicate balance between chivalry and chauvinism, we begin to compete with them, and to lose our femininity in the name of feminism. The women who see men as the opponent, and not as their helpmeet miss the point entirely. God created Eve to be a companion and a helpmeet for Adam (a power or strength equal to), not to be his opponent or competition. Adam and Eve understood and celebrated their differences, as should we.
Allowing submission in dating, marriage, and families
The Christian ideology of submission in marriage (and therefore dating) is all too often dismissed as old fashioned values, or even abusive principles. This stems from a gross misunderstanding of how submission is described in the scriptures, particularly the passage in Colossians 3:18 admonishing wives to submit to their husbands. And yet the verses prior to verse 18 instruct all mankind to bear with and forgive one another and to treat each other with compassion, kindness, humility and patience. There is no scripture in the middle that exempts husbands (or wives) from compassion, kindness, humility, and patience. To the poor husbands that rule with an iron fist, claiming it is their God given duty to rule and reign over his wife and family, remember that the Lord is not a dictator.
In Ephesians 5:21-24 it says to “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”
Gospel-centered dating
The admonition to submit applies to everyone and needs to be placed within the framework of the gospel as a whole. If the head of the home is not emulating the Lord and acting in harmony with the Gospel’s teaching, he is not performing his Godly duties. As are our relationships with the Lord, so should they be within our marriage and dating relationships- humble requests for love, patience, and guidance, while simultaneously loving and trusting unconditionally. The gospel should be welcomed and encouraged in dating.
In all manner of relationships, both parties must respect and trust each other in order for the relationship to grow. This includes not keeping track of who has had to give up what and how often, or even who paid how much for each date. Guilt and selfishness create an atmosphere of mistrust and an inability to give oneself completely. Instead of counting how much the other party has contributed, instead, focus on how much you have sacrificed and offered. The greatest relationships start on a foundation of sacrificial giving, which in turn creates love and consequently a desire to submit.
When taken in the proper biblical context, submission makes sense. The argument for allowing acts of chivalry, which are equated with respect and Christlike kindness, is won. It is the confusion felt in the battle for independence and strength, the influence of feminist teachings, the disdain for true grace and ladylike behavior, and teachings not in harmony with Gospel principles that confuse our ideas of chivalry versus chauvinism. As Christians, we should understand the meaning of submission and embrace it in all our relationships – from friendships to dating and on into marriage — a testimony to the selfless love of Christ we all share.
So men, open those doors! Women, say thank you and be grateful and gracious. Allow Gospel principles to be a part of your dating experiences, and allow your relationships to grow stronger because of it.
Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, blogger, and social media addict. Equal parts Mary Poppins, Carrie Bradshaw, and Mother Theresa, she goes where the wind blows, writes about relationships and dating, and is devoted to serving others. You can get more of her at the Story of a Nice Mormon Girl.. She says that if you aren’t friends with Meridian Magazine on Facebook, you are missing out.
