After twenty years of dating, I am forced to contemplate the question, “Do I believe in “the One?” Is there is one special, predestined, perfect person out there for me?”
The more time I am given to answer that question, the more garbled my answer becomes. Allow me to share with you the arguments I have in my head.
There are days when I do truly want to believe that everything happens for a reason. There are days I want to believe that it isn’t that no one loves me, and that the reason I am single is that I haven’t met the predestined, all-perfect ONE for me. There are days where I honestly and truly believe that whoever he is out there, he’s going to be worth the wait.
There are also days where I still believe in Santa Claus.
Then there are days when I think that, sure, there are plenty of people out there that could marry just any other compatible, responsible adult and be happy and married. But then I think that just sounds like a really boring way to spend the rest of my life and eternity.
There are definitely days where I really want there to be a One so that all this waiting was worth it, and I just wasn’t compatible with anyone for the past two decades.
And if we really could be happy with just anyone, and our mate is just a matter of choosing to get along with a person, then why do we get married for eternity in the Lord’s House?
If a dedication to the Gospel and a determination to make it work is all that mattered, then finding a good roommate wouldn’t be so difficult. (The older I get the more convinced I am that adult women were never meant to co-habitate.)
I have heard WAY too many people misquote President Spencer W. Kimball and say that “any two adults” who are active in the Gospel, and are trying, can be happily married. What did President Kimball really say?
“Soul mates” are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”
In the same talk (given 7 September 1976 at a BYU devotional) he offered this advice:
“In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that, of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong. In true marriage there must be a union of minds as well as of hearts. Emotions must not wholly determine decisions, but the mind and the heart, strengthened by fasting and prayer and serious consideration, will give one a maximum chance of marital happiness.”
And then later in the same talk, he said, “While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person.”
So no, I do not believe in “the One.” But I do believe that marriage should not be between any two consenting and agreeable adults who want the same things. It is, at least for me, all about love.
Two consenting and agreeable adults is not something worth waiting for. Two consenting and agreeable adults cannot and should not have the power to create a life. Two consenting and agreeable adults do not inspire poetry, art, or music. But two people in love do.
And so my argument is for love. I do believe we can fall in love with multiple people. I do believe that love is worth waiting for. I do believe that love is what it is all about. Love can create life.
In the world where only my personal opinion and testimony of the Gospel matters, “true love” is totally different from “the One.” True love is love built on all the right things that matter- respect, admiration, compatibility, honesty, appreciation, and attraction. In spite of my argument for probably and maybe believing in the search and the (way too long) wait for true love, I may be the least romantic person you will ever meet. I will also tell you that I think every singleton out there with a “checklist” needs to check him/herself, and toss his/her list out. A stubborn choice to predetermine what true love entails will only lead you to a major disappointment later. But at the same time, I believe everyone needs to know what qualities (non-tangible) are important to them, and to not settle for anything less.
And so my single friends, I implore you. Figure out what really matters to you, and go for that. Search for true love based on what is important and non-tangible. Don’t get hung up on looking for “the One.” And don’t sell yourself short, settling for someone that doesn’t inspire art, poetry, and music. Find someone that inspires you to create life!
