“Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary by-pass. After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it.”- Mary Kay
A few weeks ago I received the following email from a good friend.
“I’ve been reading your articles. You seemed like a good person to raise this issue to. I recently had a guy say to me “I’d really like to find out what happened in your last marriage.” This was on a first date. Um, rude. I understand he may have concerns, but its a sensitive subject for most divorced people. For me its like saying “Tell me about the most painful thing that’s ever happened to you”. This is not first, or even second date conversation material. Non-members know to stay clear of this subject until they actually get to know you. LDS people, on the other hand, seem to feel entitled to that kind of info.”
My friend has an excellent point. When is it appropriate to ask about another person’s divorce? And how much information is appropriate to divulge? I have my own opinion on the matter, but decided this was the perfect time to turn to my friends and the Internet for some second opinions.
The question posed, When should you ask about another person’s divorce? And when and what should be divulged? A sampling of the answers-
Dave, 40 Married, Idaho
I am kind of torn. No one wants to bring up the past when the memories are painful to rehash. But that past is what makes us who we are. And it would be nice to know how and why that person got divorced. Would you want to date someone who had an affair?
Teresa, 35, Married, Washington
I don’t think it’s ever too early to ask or find out. I would often ask WHY they got divorced early on, maybe 1st/2nd date (or even BEFORE accepting a date). The answer itself wasn’t important, I was looking for how they answered the question and if they placed all the blame on their ex and were bitter. I wasn’t going to date someone who wasn’t over it and couldn’t let it go, I simply didn’t have the time or energy in my life to do that.
Ruth, Divorced, Utah
You know, after 30 I think it is fair to be finding this out right up front. And it should come out in the usual course of conversation. The point is not to grill someone. If you start by mentioning your own divorce or your children, the other person might/should naturally pick up on the cue and divulge similar information.
Joe, 35, Divorced, Utah
I’m not afraid to discuss divorce, but when someone asks me about it on the first date (or in the first conversations online or on the phone), it really makes me wary. I think there is a measure of impropriety in getting so personal so soon. Besides, when you ask someone you don’t know about something so personal, you have no basis by which to determine whether or not that person is being truthful with his/her description of the circumstances. It is too easy to be fooled when you don’t know someone very well. If you wait until later, sure there is the potential for the disappointment to hurt a lot more, but you’re also much more likely to get the whole truth or at least be able to discern the truth.
When we are honest with ourselves, many of us who are divorced realize that our own actions (or inactions) played a significant role in the breakdown of our marriages. It’s rare that anyone is completely innocent. And if you try to assign blame to one stranger vis-a-vis another without knowing anything at all about that person’s character, there is almost no way to make an accurate judgment. It’s as if you are inviting this stranger (whose objective is to impress you) to lie to you because you aren’t really looking for the truth, you’re actually looking for comfort. Someone with whom you have not built trust is not going to open up to you fully. To believe so is to delude yourself.
Wendi, 37, Divorced, Oregon
I have kids, so the subject of my divorce comes up quickly. Usually it is talked about before a date ever happens. I tend to like mentioning it early on simply because I have involved dads for my kids. That usually is uncomfortable for most men to deal with and I’d rather them not take me out on a date, than start to like them later and then have them run. I get told often that I’d date more if the dads weren’t involved.
What I listen for is HOW they talk about their divorce and their ex and family. I’ve been single for seven years now so the residual pain is long gone, and I try not to bad mouth anyone. If the person I’m talking to or on a date with is negatively talking about their ex and it is a constant thing every time I talk to them, I know they are not over what they are going through. If it is an occasional comment, that is not a big deal.
Andrew, 31, Single, Indiana
I went out with a girl one time who failed to disclose that she was very pregnant. Go figure.
Now, back to me. (I feel like the Old Spice Guy when I say that! And who doesn’t want to feel like the Old Spice Guy?) Recently I met a really nice guy. I have enjoyed getting to know him. We have several friends in common, so there are many things I know and have heard about him before we actually met. One of those things is that he is divorced. However, in getting to know him better this topic has never come up once. Unfortunately, due to the idle gossip, I have also heard quite a bit more than I want to know about his divorce. This bothers me on many levels. First, I don’t think I know him well enough to know such personal information. Second, I certainly don’t think the people who shared the information with me know him well enough either. And yet, because I do know I find myself in the awkward position of knowing something that he hasn’t revealed to me, and having to decide whether or not I should tell him.
Personally, I see divorces as one of the most personal, difficult, painful, and intimate decisions a person can make. When I consider asking a person about their divorce I first ask myself if I know this person well enough to ask about the most personal, intimate, and difficult decision of their life. But this is a very tricky situation to solve. At what point do you know your date well enough to ask such a question? And yet, do you want to date someone without knowing such information?
I humbly submit that there is no right or wrong answer to these questions. The answer is that every situation is different and unique. Before asking someone a deeply personal question, ask yourself if you just want to know this information, or if you deserve to know it?
Let’s open this one up to the masses.
What do you think? When should you ask? And how much should be shared? Add your 2 cents to this debate in the comments below! Or if you’d rather keep it between us friends, send me an email at [email protected].
