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List Two:  Those Who Have Hurt Us

Thus, because the Lord requires me to pray for those who have despitefully used or otherwise hurt me, I needed to make a second list – one that would include all those I felt had harmed me throughout my lifetime. Whether I owed them an apology or not is a separate question, but I definitely needed to at least let go of any bitterness I felt toward them.

Now, if you are like me, you won’t have any trouble thinking of people to put on this list. Most addicts are champions at holding on to resentments and using those feelings as an excuse to act out. Making this list can represent finally letting go of resentments we have carried far too long. And just as we hurt most those who are closest to us, we are also hurt most by them.

Let’s start at the beginning. What resentments do you have towards your parents? Did they discipline or shame or ridicule you in ways that still hurt? Did you need more love and gentleness than they were able to give you? Were you provided with the necessities of life, or did you have to go without sufficient housing, clothes, medical care or even food? Even if you have excused your parents with the very likely observation that they did the best they could, are you still hurting over what they could not give you?

What about brothers or sisters? What injuries from the past involve them? Put all these hurts on your list – they need to be acknowledged and dealt with.

If you have married, are you carrying around pain that you attribute to your spouse? Chances are, neither of you came from a perfect home, and chances are, neither of you has been a perfect marriage partner. Marriage provides plenty of opportunities for hurt feelings. Do you have some unresolved issues from your marriage (or from dating, if you are single) that need to be inventoried?

Now think of people outside your family circle. How many of us remember painful episodes from our childhood and adolescence – being shunned or otherwise hurt by our peers. Consider employers, friends, church leaders, anyone else who has wounded you. Put down anyone you would feel uncomfortable meeting today. If either you or the other person has hard or strained feelings, then something is not resolved. It doesn’t matter whether the other person meant to hurt you or not, if it still hurts, put it down. Remember, we are not making this list to drudge up old resentments, but to inventory them and surrender them to the Savior.

The Lord has defined the standard for forgiveness:

A PARABLE

One day I dreamed a dream and saw myself in a scene that was almost like something out of Gone with the Wind. I was walking up a long, tree-lined lane, and though I was ragged and wounded and still using a crutch to steady myself, I was full of excitement. I had just entered into the last stretch in what had been a long and perilous journey home. Just over the next rise was “the green, green grass of home” and my family waiting to greet me. Even there along the lane, every tree was filled with yellow ribbons. And when the breeze carried just right, and I had my good ear turned, I could hear the music and smell the feast at the great party they were having.

Suddenly I noticed that another figure was hobbling along just ahead of me. Whoever this poor soul was, I could tell that he was in at least as bad a shape as I was. But even with all his wounds, he had made it this far too. My heart went out to him in fellowship, and quickening my pace, I hurried to overtake him, calling out to him, “Brother, wait! Wait for me!”

He stopped and turned. My heart went chill as all feelings drained from it. I recognized his face. He had been my enemy, the very one who had inflicted the deepest wounds – wounds that had made my journey so slow and painful – wounds that I still bore, unhealed. Not him! How could he be here too?

I halted my steps, unable to approach him any further, unwilling to say anything. As he called out, “Who’s there? I can’t see you,” I realized that he was blind. Rather than answer his plaintive cry, I held my breath. Soon he turned, dejected, and shuffled on his way.

I didn’t have far to follow him, for just ahead of us was a shining, glorious gate. The boundary that it marked was as definite as if it were guarding night from day. Even though the beauty of the country through which the lane passed was exquisite, what lay beyond the gate was beyond description, but not recognition.

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It was Home. Upon seeing it, childhood memories seemed to flood my mind. Every path and byway was familiar to me. The longing to be there once more became an overwhelming ache within me. It caused me to totally forget my reluctance to approach my enemy, who was even now standing at the gatehouse, speaking to the gatekeeper.

The gatekeeper had his back to me. Still I recognized Him immediately as my Lord and Good Shepherd, He who had carried me throughout much of my journey, ministering to my stubborn wounds. Just as He had promised, He employed no servant here. Still I could see only my enemy’s face. There was light shining either from it or on it. I could not tell which. Suddenly I realized his eyes were bright and clear, focused upon the face of the Gatekeeper. I realized he was not blind anymore! Then I noted how straight he stood. Eagerly I threw down my crutch and rushed forward. Maybe I, too, could be made whole!

Before I could take more than a step or two, I was suddenly aware of the Gatekeeper’s words to my lifelong enemy. “There is only one last thing before you are ready to enter in, one last question I must ask.”

My enemy! This person who had been responsible for my deepest wounds? He was about to enter in?

The Gatekeeper continued, breaking through my shock, “Are you a friend to every man?”

Taking his gaze from the Gatekeeper’s face, the man looked steadily into my eyes, and I knew he was seeing me, really seeing me, for the first time. Somewhere inside I trembled. I had known all along that I would have to face the Lord to enter in, but my enemy?

His words pierced my soul. “I am willing to be,” he said quietly. Healed and no longer blind, he loved me. Could I, still maimed and crippled as I was, say the same? Could I answer this one last question with an honest yes?

The Gatekeeper seemed to disappear from between us, though I knew He was near. Nothing stood between my enemy and me. He waited for my response with longing meekness in his eyes, unable to enter in without my approbation. And just as surely, I knew I could not enter in without him. My long-harbored resentment and bitterness, or all that lay beyond this last barrier – which would it be? Which would I choose? Why had I waited so long? How had I thought I could avoid this moment?

My first step toward him was still halting, as if crippled, but with each step my strength grew greater and greater. I could feel my wounds healing as I reached for his hands and then his embrace.

And as the dream ended, I saw us wrapped in more than each other’s acceptance and forgiveness. The Gatekeeper and still another figure stood with us. With shining countenance the Gatekeeper turned to the other, and speaking my name in unison with that of my former adversary, He said, “Father, these are my friends.” As I awoke from the dream, the last impression I had was hearing the voice of the Father, so long awaited, “Well done. You may all enter in.”

We cannot tell who will repent and who will not. We have not been given the privilege of judging others and saying who will be recipients of the grace of the Lord’s Atonement and who will not. For myself, I am grateful not to have the burden of making those decisions.

List Three: Making Amends to Ourselves

The last list is a short one, with only one name on it. Your own. Take the time to consider how many ways you have caused yourself pain. Write down all the things you have denied yourself because of your addiction. What blessings could have come into your life if you had not been caught up in these foolish behaviors? What opportunities have passed you by? How unkind have you been to yourself? What names have you called yourself, names that you would never call any other child of God? How have you torn yourself down and denied your God-given worth and potential?

Next, write down all the positive, worthwhile things you have wanted to do in your life but, for one reason or another, didn’t. Are there opportunities you let pass by? Are there talents you haven’t allowed yourself to develop? Perhaps some of these things you gave up in a spirit of honest and willing sacrifice, and I’m sure the Lord has blessed you for that. But maybe it still hurts – maybe there is still an empty place in your soul. It might be helpful to list these things, count them, weigh them, and then give them to the Lord. On the other hand, what things have you passed up because you didn’t feel you deserved to enjoy them? What blessings have you denied yourself, that you could have had, if only you had felt better about yourself? All of these are amends you can make to yourself, so put them on the list.

When I inventory the wrongs I have done to myself, I am deeply moved, often to tears. At first they were tears of bitterness, guilt, and shame, but with the passing years they have turned to tears of compassion for the person I was then. I think about how I accepted the adversary’s lies that I was worthless and deserved to be despised. I remember how I listened to the names Satan put into my head, and how I readily started calling myself terrible things, unkind and untrue things. I even believed the adversary’s ultimate lie: That all these negative feelings about me were coming from my Father in Heaven!

What a tragedy! What an injustice against God andmyself!

The wrongs I committed against myself were more than just the direct consequences of addiction. In my shame, I often shortchanged myself and denied myself a lot of good things I might have enjoyed. I denied myself friendships because I felt no one would want to be my friend or because I imagined everyone else was better than me. I stayed away from church softball games because I wasn’t very good and I was sure no one would want me on the team. As a result, I denied myself the chance to develop those skills and I remained a mediocre player. And the list goes on.

I passed up opportunities because I didn’t feel I deserved them. There have been times I said “no” to some pleasurable activity, because I felt I had to keep working, that I hadn’t earned a break yet. As I think back, I recognize this pattern from my childhood. I was always a “slow-poke” and took forever to do my chores, because I was continually finding ways to play instead of work.

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Thus, I never felt the satisfaction of completing a job and enjoying the fun afterwards. That tendency is still with me today. I still have a hard time finishing anything. (In fact, if you’re reading this book, I can promise you it is because God intervened and made it possible. Believe me, in my own strength I could never have accomplished it.)

As you make your own amends list, please remember to be thoroughly honest, but also equally diligent in your mercy and long-suffering towards yourself. The power of taking Step Eight lies in calling on the Savior’s counsel and comfort – recognizing continually that His Atonement is equal to all the mistakes and sins ever done in this world – including yours!

Making the Most of This Chapter

Please take time to answer the following questions in your recovery journal. Remember, you are keeping this journal just for you, not for anyone else. Writing honestly and plainly will move your recovery forward.

Next Week-Chapter 13: Step Nine

Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison, and its companion LDS 12 Step book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison, are available at most LDS bookstores and can be ordered online at www.ldscloseouts.com or www.rosehavenpublishing.com