Reviews

I’m embarrassed to admit that Step Ten was yet another hurdle for me. I had sincerely hoped that once I had gone through the “fearless and thorough” process of a Fourth Step, the rigorous honesty of a Fifth Step, the complete surrender of the Sixth and Seventh Steps, and the risk of humiliation involved in doing the Eighth and Ninth Steps, I could finally relax. Looking at myself and my past so closely had often been exquisitely painful, and I was sure I’d be eligible to be translated by the time I completed the repentance and transformation required by those steps. I thought I would have arrived at a place so spiritually advanced that I’d never make another mistake. I’d never have to offer another apology to another person. How successful do you think that was? Right!

I was dismayed to find that, though I was abstinent from my addiction, I was still able to goof up in a lot of other ways and still needed to repent. What a let-down to realize this business of humbling myself was going to be a life-long challenge! I still make mistakes and I still have a lot of growing to do. I have learned that recovery is not an event – it is a process. I find I need to continually re-live the principles in all of the steps and re-learn the lessons in each one at a deeper level. It is the only way I can keep my “natural man” tendencies in remission. As Colleen has written about Step Ten:

If you’re reading straight through this book and haven’t yet given the steps a chance to work in your life, you may be asking, “So, Phil, what was the benefit of going through all the honesty and contrition represented in the first nine steps?” I would have to answer with rejoicing, “The benefit? Only one of the most amazing benefits that I, as a sex addict, could ever report: The things I have to inventory each day are no longer of such magnitude that they threaten my standing in the Church or the respect and trust of my loved ones.

It is actually a joy to do the Tenth Step, because – thanks to the grace of the Lord and my faith in Him demonstrated in living these principles daily – I find my mistakes are much less serious and a lot further apart than they used to be. Also, I can tell I have grown stronger in my humility as promised in Helaman 3:35.”

Why? Because, today, I can face my need to repent daily without being tempted to shame myself or blame others.

In other words, I am different – much different – right down to my personality or “disposition,” as the Book of Mormon promises (Mosiah 5:2). Through these principles or steps, I have surrendered my life into the hands of the Master Healer – Christ, Himself. It is actually my greatest joy, now, to remain in a state of repentance, or in other words in a state of continual acknowledgment of my need for Him – His Spirit, His word, and His power to keep me abstinent. Immediately repenting of each of the smaller offenses of which I am guilty keeps me connected to my Lord, and saves me from the bigger mistakes that would inevitably follow if I were without His constant forgiveness and support.

Even Prophets Need Repentance

Taking Step Ten is admitting that repentance and humility are not occasional Band-Aid events in my life, but actually a new way of life based on rejoicing and remaining in the grace of Christ. Reading the words of the prophets has helped me to accept this fact. Nephi, for instance, has set the example by admitting his continuing struggle with sin and temptation – even into the mature years of his life.

I know I’ve said it before, but I don’t think I can say it enough: I love the prophets of the Book of Mormon! Each of them, without exception, models the manner of life that comes from being one with the Lord Jesus Christ. Who could imagine a life more filled with revelation and dedication to the Lord than Nephi’s? From his boyhood until the day of his death, Nephi loved the Lord and sought and received revelations from Him, yet remained so amazingly humble. His honest disclosure that he was tempted and even sinned at times, has helped me gain a very valuable perspective: Even though repentance brings improvement in my life, complete perfection is still a long way off, and that’s okay. Even Nephi acknowledged his need to continue improving.

As the Prophet Joseph said concerning perfection:

Our Need To Be “Constant” Christians

Taking Step Ten is admitting you will have to continue to invest in your newly obtained spiritual and physical “sobriety” for the rest of your life, even though the goal of perfection remains beyond your reach during mortality. Referring to our need to retain perfection as our ideal, even though we will not be able to obtain it while in this life, Elder Neal A. Maxwell said:

As long as we are in this life, we will be faced with temptation and have to continue to surrender it to the Savior. Pride will be constantly trying to wear down our humility. It is so important to remember that in each small moment of renewed commitment to our abstinence, the foundation of a “great work” – a lifetime of moral purity – is being laid:

These beautiful words remind me that though it may seem only a small thing, each and every time I resist a temptation by turning to the Savior and calling on His power, great results accumulate. The amazing thing about the perpetual attitude of repentance and reliance on the Lord represented in Step Ten is that it is exactly the opposite of the constant acts of “serial repentance” that filled my old life. Today, by the grace of Christ, I am able to turn to Him and find power to move away from temptation before I slide into its clutches. Temptations still assail me, but it is as if His presence weakens them and gives me a chance to escape. I think this is what the Apostle James meant when he spoke of “enduring” temptation.

I can promise you that each time you choose to turn to the Lord before you actually sin, while you are still only at the temptation stage, you will be “laying the foundation of a great work.” Those moments of endured temptation will eventually add up to days, weeks, months, and finally years of abstinence. We must always remember that “the heart and a willing mind” (D&C 64:34) constitute not an event, but instead represent a continual re-commitment to Him.

Why The Lord Removes Us From Sin, But Not From Temptation

I don’t know how you’re feeling about Step Ten, but as I said, I faced it with a fair amount of disappointment. I so desperately wanted to be free from any possibility of sin! Why hadn’t the Lord granted me absolute immunity from temptation? I wrestled with this perplexity for some time, until the day came when Paul’s words rang in answer through my heart:

Like previous steps, Step Ten asked me to surrender my life to the Lord! Here again, I was required to wait upon Him and return continually to Him in order to receive His grace (power to maintain a good work). The Lord told Paul his “thorn in the flesh” would remain to remind him that only the Lord’s grace was sufficient to save him.

Taking Step Ten is the equivalent of admitting the exact same thing about my own life. I began to see my moments of temptation, and their intensity, as warning signals. Like the lights on my car’s dashboard, moments of temptations warn me I’m running low on something – humility and the willingness to “always remember” the Lord, “that [I] may always have his Spirit to be with [me]” (Moroni 4:3). Today’s moments of temptation, though much fainter, fewer, and further apart, keep me in remembrance of my early days in recovery when I had to call on the Lord a multitude of times every day – sometimes every hour – to keep from being swept away by Satan’s lies.

I testify to you that learning to live in a state of constant repentance, of continual awareness of our need for the Savior, is not an act of weakness, but actually the retention of His strength. Today, it is second nature to “converse” with Him and “counsel” with Him in my mind, and not just when I’m facing temptation. He has become my best friend, my counselor, my salvation! As you continue to absorb and live by the true principles embodied in these steps, I hope you will rejoice with me in the realization that the words “I Need Thee Every Hour” (Hymns, no. 98) must remain the constant song of our souls.

As I continue to live in and practice this new way of life, I feel a growing conviction, not born of overconfidence or bravado, but of the quiet reassurance of the Spirit, that I will never again turn my back on the Lord. Still, I am willing to remember the history of the Nephites. The Book of Mormon, generally, is a sobering reminder of man’s ability to backslide and turn away from amazing blessings. Perhaps if the Lord lifted this affliction from me, I might become neglectful of my relationship with Him and slide back into sin. If my addiction serves to remind me on a daily basis of my need for the Lord, I am blessed by it. I am infinitely grateful to have Him in my life, and if something as unsavory as sexual addiction was the vehicle that brought me to Christ to begin to be perfected in Him (Moroni 10:32), so be it. How could being conscious of Him and His love and power-day by day and hour by hour-be regarded as anything but a blessing?!

Has my weakness been turned into a blessing and my sorrow into praise? Amazingly, they have! I would never encourage anyone to go out and sin as a path to discovering God, but looking at my life as a whole, I can only say I have been incredibly blessed, and I am at peace with how my life has unfolded.

Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison, and its companion LDS 12 Step book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison, are available at most LDS bookstores and can be ordered online at www.ldscloseouts.com or www.rosehavenpublishing.com