“Get inspired by sex.” It seemed like a strange way to say it, but those are the very words we heard from the mouth of a wise and wonderful mentor who we had gone to for advice just prior to our marriage.
We had approached him as a young, engaged couple seeking marital advice. We were hoping to get into questions like: How do we make our marriage strong and durable? How do we become good partners? How do we find synergy? We were expecting to get some consulting on communication, on trust, on unity, on prioritizing each other; and instead he chose to talk about physical intimacy—about sex.
And to advise us to get inspired by it!
That shocked us a little, and we weren’t sure we knew exactly what he meant; but since then, as the years have passed, we have discovered the wisdom and the ramifications of his candid advice.
He chose to talk to us about committed, marital sex because he knew there were so many counterfeits out there. He was not talking about lust or about the media kind of sex that is often selfish and almost always amorally glamorized. This was not about “if you have an itch, you need to scratch it.” It wasn’t about pornography or sex-as-recreation. And it certainly wasn’t about sex as exploitation or domination.
What he was saying was that true, committed physical love is inspiring, and in that context there can never be too much of it. In a marriage there can never be too
much love, only too little. Exploitive or demanding or diversionary sex, or sex that has a winner and a loser do not come about because of too much love, but because of too little.
Real love increases communication, increases empathy, increases and deepens emotional and spiritual feelings, and can increase both the quantity and the quality of sex.
There is no such thing as too much intimacy when it lifts and binds and empathizes and cares more about what the other person is feeling than about one’s self. This kind of sex is wonderfully liberating—even inspiring. It takes you out of and above yourself, relaxes you both, and brings a brilliant sense of joy and well-being.
It incorporates total trust and complete commitment and, beyond its physical wonder, it is the perfect metaphor for mental and emotional and spiritual oneness.
It is a form of expressive love and totally honest communication and it requires a kind of other-focus that allows us to do the most difficult thing of all—to forget ourselves. In that sense, it is truly lifts us to a new place.
Communicating with touch can cause us to also communicate better with words. You ask how something feels, you ask what would feel better, you fake nothing, and you give everything. It is the ultimate way of saying “I belong to you,” “You are everything to me.” “We are one.” “There will never be anyone else.”
This kind of marital sex is an exercise in empathy, a case-study in commitment, a tradition of tenderness, and the epitome of excitement. And it is, quite simply, a way to feel inspired.
It is worthy of the term “making love” and is the polar opposite of “having sex.”
And it is available to every able-bodied married couple who wants it bad enough to develop it, and to every single person who wants it bad enough to wait for it.
This joyous, committed view of sex is also the model on which we should base our “big talk” with our children. Studies show that the earlier parents discuss sex with their kids, the later those kids will become sexually active. And when we do talk to our kids, there should always be two goals: 1. To help them avoid dangerous, too-early sexual experimentation, and 2. To help them one day have a beautiful and fulfilling sexual relationship with the right person at the right time. Managing to meet both of these goals was the motivation for our book “How to Talk to Your Child about Sex” which we overviewed in an earlier Family Share article.
But back to that advice from our mentor. The interesting thing is that he was actually talking to us about the very things we were expecting him to—
communication, trust, unity, and priorities. He just did it by telling us how to get inspired by sex!
Here are two free YouTube videos to expand further on this subject: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knRgDNJy9EQ&list=PL2nXNM_yh5iVSjM6Avhx7Vmqg3HVI2DtO&index=4
Good luck to us all in life’s most important relationship
Authors’ note: When it comes to the area of Families, there is a war going on. Subtly orchestrated by the adversary, many powerful engines of change, from media and Internet to education, and from big government to big corporations, undermine the natural family in all sorts of ways. Sometimes intentionally and sometimes unwittingly, these culture creators build an atmosphere of amoral indifference and broaden the definition of “family” until anything goes and until commitment and responsibility disappear.
Many still defend the natural family, fighting valiantly against gay marriage, abortion, cohabitation, no-fault divorce, pornography, and other threats to traditional and time tested values.
But in addition to that defense, there is great need for a powerful offense—for greater and more wide-spread appreciation and promotion of the joy and the benefits of a balanced life style centering on committed marriage, responsible and devoted parenting, and faith-based values.
This series of articles, called “Family-Centric” has the proactive, offensive goal of Fortifying Families by Celebrating Commitment, Popularizing Parenting, Bolstering Balance and Validating Values. For a list and index of all related articles, click here.