This past Sunday, slain political activist Charlie Kirk’s life was celebrated in a funeral attended by both the President and Vice-President of the United States, the President’s entire cabinet, and leaders from every part of American life. I still find it hard to process the idea that such a horrific crime took place in my hometown, on the campus of a university I attended for one year, and where my son earned a degree. When I was growing up in Orem, we affectionately referred to our city as “Happy Valley.” Orem is a middle-sized, middle American city at the feet of the Rocky Mountains. Orem is not Dallas, Memphis, or Los Angeles. Assassinations and comparable events do not happen in Orem—or so we thought.
Murder is the ultimate act of hatred. Yet the man accused of killing Charlie Kirk explained, “I had enough of his hatred. Some hate can’t be negotiated out.” But as martyred civil rights leader, Dr. Martin Luther King, said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
In this column, I strive to teach principles upon which to build loving relationships, even in the wake of death or divorce. When Jesus walked among us here on earth, He taught that hate does not begin when someone commits murder, but rather when the person nurses anger in his heart. Jesus said, “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment” (Matthew 6:21-22). Jesus was not only concerned with what we do, but even more with who we are. Anger is the emotional root of murder. Thus, if killing subjects us to God’s judgment, anger also places us in danger of God’s judgment. Murder is not just the act of killing, but also the angry disposition that motivates it.
Anger has a legitimate survival function. If an intruder invaded your home in the middle of the night and threatened the well-being of your loved ones, anger and a burst of adrenaline would instinctively rise in you, temporarily giving you an added burst of strength to fight off a dangerous threat. But if anger is something I instinctively direct at an enemy, how does a loved one feel when anger is directed at him or her? He or she feels like I am an enemy. And it causes conflict and strife. As a proverb says, “An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression” (Proverbs 29:22).
Anger is a dangerous influence in a relationship where we want love to prevail. Anger drains us of energy and deprives us of the Spirit of the Holy Ghost. As Jesus taught the Nephites:
“For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Nephi 11.:29-30).
A heart filled with contention is a heart at war. According to the Arbinger Institute’s excellent book, The Anatomy of Peace, war begins in our hearts when we stop seeing another person as human and objectify him or her—meaning to see them as a means to get something we want or as an obstacle to getting what we want. The word “heart” appears 444 times in the Book of Mormon. There are 239 chapters, so the word appears an average of almost two times per chapter. I once read the book paying primary attention to every appearance of the word “heart” and looking for whether those references referred to hearts at war or hearts at peace.When hearts are at war, they are “stirred up . . . with anger one against another.” They are stirred up with anger because they see the other person as a means of getting what they want or an impediment to getting what they want—and they rage in their hearts when the other fails to comply. In the Book of Mormon, before people went to war with others, individually or as nations, they first went to war in their hearts.
What causes hearts to go to war in dating relationships? We objectify our partners. Perhaps you meet an attractive person and think it would be wonderful to be with him or her. You want something from him or her—a relationship—and see them as a means of having the relationship we want or as an impediment to it. If that attractive person doesn’t want the same thing, you may feel spurned and invalidated. Anger burns in your heart. The other person’s needs, desires, and dreams no longer seem real or important. You are consumed with feeling mistreated. The positive feelings you once had for the other person disappear as we judge the other person and his or her motives.
If you read this article and feel a twinge of guilt because you recall having unkind feelings and perhaps said unkind words toward a dating partner that did not return your affections, this is an invitation to change and return to dating with purer intentions—by seeing your partners’ humanity. How do we do this?
1. Experience (again) a mighty change of heart
The central message of the Book of Mormon is that we can experience a mighty change of heart through the atonement of Jesus Christ and find a new way of being. Alma the younger explained that, when his father heard the words of the prophet Abinidai, “according to his faith there was a mighty change wrought in his heart” (Alma 5:12). “And behold, he preached the word unto your fathers, and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God” (Alma 5:13). Does a humble person feel offended when a dating partner chooses not to continue dating or not to give him or her a chance? I suggest that when people “put their trust in the true and living God” they trust that He will ultimately lead them to wonderful eternal companions who will accept them. And that assurance allows them to let go of pursuing the persons that do not choose them. Alma asked, “my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?” (Alma 5:14). The mighty change of heart means opening our hearts to God, accepting His will, and honoring those we date as precious sons and daughters of a loving Father in Heaven instead of seeing them merely as a means to get what we want for ourselves.
2. Honor the agency of your dating partners
Your heart toward others will soften as you realize that they are sons and daughters of God, with hopes, dreams, feelings, and needs as real as your own. If a dating partner or prospective dating partner decides not to date you, realize that it is simply his or her wish and not a personal affront to you. Ultimately, it is far better for you to be with someone who freely and fully chooses you. And a partner who will not be able to do that is doing you a favor by freeing you to give your heart to someone who will.
You may feel anger or disappointment that the person you wanted to date is unwilling to give you a chance. You might believe that, given a chance, you would show the other person how good a partner you could be. And you may resent the person for refusing to give you a chance.Before we ultimately united in marriage, Cathy and I broke up a couple of times. Before we could date for marriage, I had to make peace with the fact that she may not choose me and that was her right. Interestingly, once I accepted that Cathy had no obligation to choose me, she chose me.
Please understand that no one owes you a chance. No one owes you his or her precious time, even if you are in a relationship and even after marriage. While that may seem harsh, accepting it means that when someone agrees to give you a chance, you have been given a precious gift that the other person freely gave you, with no obligation whatsoever. Love not freely given is not real. But love freely given is the sweetest thing in the world and our only source of true joy. Honoring your partner’s agency liberates him or her to love and choose you freely.
3. Don’t speak until your heart is at peace.
The Apostle James Wrote: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20). When I am angry, I seldom see things as they really are. Anger is usually tied to past trauma and fear and comes with exaggerated feelings of danger. Your brain is trying to protect you from things experience has taught you are dangerous. But the brain’s warning system is overprotective and warns you (through anxiety) of things that are not truly dangerous. For example, in primitive times, your tribe rejecting you would be a serious threat to your survival. So, our bodies learned to fear rejection and do whatever was necessary to gain acceptance. Although rejection may not be so dangerous in our time, our brain’s primitive instincts don’t know that and signal mortal danger through pain and panic. Sometimes your anxiety may tell you that you have to say something to your partner “now” to address a problem. But that is seldom true. Unless there is a true danger to someone’s well-being, you can wait a few hours until your heart is at peace to discuss a sensitive topic. And often when you are calm and in full possession of your faculties, you will realize that the thing you were upset about was not actually a big deal.
4. Learn to be calm and unruffled, even if things are burning down around you.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea . . . Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:1-2, 10).
Anytime another person is losing his or her temper, you can be certain it is about them and has nothing to do with you. You are not required to respond to angry outbursts. If your partner is emotionally flooded, he or she is incapable of hearing you and talking about the problem is futile. You are dealing with your partner’s wounded inner child. So, think about how you would comfort a small child. Give your partner a hug if he or she will receive it. Rub his or her back or feet. Run your fingers through your partner’s hair. Or try other things that are soothing—with the understanding that you cannot control your partner’s response. A proverb states that, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). In many situations, the “soft answer” may be given without words.
Anger is toxic and a serious disturber of relationship happiness and harmony. As you date and consider permanent relationships, don’t minimize the effect of an out-of-control temper, whether yours or your partner’s. Learn to intentionally differentiate your own emotions and mental state from your partner and to keep calm whatever anyone else is doing. Most of all, remember that your partner, though imperfect, is a beloved son or daughter of our loving Father in Heaven, with agency, hopes, dreams, and needs just as real as your own, and honor that person’s choices, even if you may wish they had been different. Trust God with your path and have faith that He is taking you toward the fulfillment of your righteous hopes and dreams. All these beliefs will help to excise anger from your heart and put you in a relationship that is truly loving.
Resources:
Watch for the upcoming video on LILYTube: What Hollywood Gets Wrong About Love and Relationships.
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
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