Question
Our daughter in her mid-twenties recently came out as gay and has ceased attending church. We were shocked but reassured her of our love and commitment to her. She’s completed a master’s degree but has been largely unemployed and is accumulating debt from student loans. Despite living rent-free in a family member’s apartment, she struggles to take care of the property and hasn’t been paying utilities. We’ve been financially supporting her with her car, insurance, phone, and groceries, but she shows little motivation to seek employment. Her mental health issues have required medications, which have led to physical side effects that impact her self-confidence. Recently, she admitted herself to a psychiatric hospital. Afterward, she seemed open to change, but this diminished after she publicly came out and received much praise. Now, she appears less open to suggestions and continues to spend money irresponsibly. We worry that offering more financial help may lead to further irresponsibility, and we fear she may invite a romantic partner to live with her. We want to encourage her self-sufficiency, but we’re afraid she may interpret this as a negative response to her coming out.
Answer
I can feel your love and concern for your daughter as you balance the need for her to be independent while supporting her very real personal challenges. It’s not easy to know how much to support when there are serious mental health concerns that could threaten her safety and well-being. Let’s talk about some ideas on how you can best support her.
First, let’s address the aspect of your daughter’s sexuality. While it might have come as a shock, I’m glad you can still see her as the same person you have loved and cherished. It’s crucial to ensure that she knows her sexual orientation doesn’t negatively affect your feelings towards her, nor is it a factor in any financial assistance or advice you provide.
However, from your letter, it seems like the primary issue at hand is not her sexual orientation but rather her attitude towards life and financial self-sufficiency. The challenge you face here is to provide support without enabling behavior that could be detrimental to her development as an independent adult. Even though she might experience mental health challenges, it’s still possible for her to learn how to become a responsible adult. Even if she needs additional supports, these efforts can be structured to help her maintain her dignity and independence.
While I can’t possibly provide specifics about how much to help or not help, I can encourage you to have her seek professional career guidance. Perhaps a career counselor can help her explore potential job opportunities in her field of study. If her area of expertise is indeed not very lucrative, she might need to consider other avenues or ways to supplement her income while still pursuing her passions.
It can also be helpful for you to create a realistic exit strategy with your financial support, so she knows that she’ll eventually need to plan for complete financial independence. For example, a timeline could be set up for her to find a job and begin contributing to rent and utilities, even if it’s a small amount initially. This could help her take on some financial responsibility and hopefully begin to understand the value of money.
It’s also clear that her mental health is a significant concern. Encouraging her to continue therapy and find a balance of medications that work for her is crucial. While you may have reservations about the current medications she’s on, it is important to trust in her ability to work with her healthcare professionals to make the right decisions. See if she will allow you to be a part of her treatment team so you can provide critical feedback to the providers about your observations and interactions with her. Navigating the health care system, especially when confronting mental health challenges, isn’t easy and often requires some additional guidance.
As you navigate this journey, remember to check your own fears so you don’t stay in an enabling dynamic that weakens her ability to be independent. Financial support isn’t the only type of support families can offer. You can ask good questions, check in on her, offer rides, help her organize her time, listen to her work through her concerns, and so on. It might be hard for her to see that your encouragement for her to be financially independent and responsible is not a punishment or a withdrawal of love but rather a means to her growth and self-reliance. Being firm about your expectations doesn’t mean you’re withdrawing support – quite the opposite.
Also, please don’t forget to take care of yourself as you support her. Being a supportive parent to a struggling child can be taxing. Make sure you’re seeking support, setting limits to protect your health, and doing what you need to do to maintain your own wellbeing. And, don’t forget that you’re not alone in helping her seek a more independent life. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s comforting words come to mind, “In the gospel of Jesus Christ, you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike—and they will—you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened, we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection.”[i]
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@ge**********.com
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About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, host of the podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and creates online relationship courses. He earned degrees from Brigham Young University and Auburn University. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
The advice offered through Geoff Steurer’s column is educational and informational in nature and is provided only as general information. It is not meant to establish a therapist-patient relationship or offer therapeutic advice, opinion, diagnosis treatment or to establish a standard of care. Although Geoff Steurer is a trained psychotherapist, he is not functioning in the role of a licensed therapist by writing this column, but rather using his training to inform these responses. Thus, the content is not intended to replace independent professional judgment. The content is not intended to solicit clients and should not be relied upon as medical or psychological advice of any kind or nature whatsoever. The information provided through this content should not be used for diagnosing or treating a mental health problem or disease. The information contained in these communications is not comprehensive and does not include all the potential information regarding the subject matter, but is merely intended to serve as one resource for general and educational purposes.
[i] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/11holland?lang=eng
