“If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” — Abraham Maslow

This quote is a perfect metaphor for the overreliance on a single strategy in managing relationship communication—namely, the “time out.” John and Julie Gottman, renowned for their work on relationship stability and divorce prediction, define a “time out” as a temporary break taken by partners during a conflict to cool down and regain their composure. Time outs allow the individuals to step away from escalating arguments when they are emotionally “flooded,” self-soothe, and return to the discussion when they have restored their “shalom,” a state of peace, wholeness, and restoration. (“Shalom” is a term Cathy and I have applied to this process.)

Time outs, while useful, should not be the only tool in our relationship toolbox. Cathy and I believe in using time-outs and have often emphasized them when we speak and write about relationship communication between middle-aged single adults who deal with relationship trauma. Sometimes I wonder if we have overdone it as this article will explain.

The time out process is relatively simple (though not always easy): (1) one of the partners perceives that one or both of them are flooded and emotions are intensifying; (2) that partner uses a signal word or phrase they have agreed on in advance, such as “time out” or “pause”; (3) both partners cease the discussion immediately without parting shots; (4) the individuals each focus on self-soothing during time-out—not preparing a rebuttal or focusing on the conflict; and (5) when the partners are both calm (never less than 20 minutes), they return to the discussion and approach it peacefully. A time-out is generally not more than a few hours and never more than 24 hours. A time-out is not a weapon nor the silent treatment. An excessively long time-out can cause a person to feel abandoned and increase the damage of the conflict.

While the Gottmans (and the Teicherts) advocate time outs as an essential remedy for emotional flooding, it is crucial to recognize that this approach is not a panacea for all communication issues. A time-out is damage control. The purpose of a time-out is to minimize the damage when we realize that we are engaging in unhealthy communication. But we can do better than haphazardly engaging in free-form communication up until you realize that one or both of you is hurt or offended and the conversation is spiraling downward fast.

Consider time outs like fire extinguisher you keep under the sink in your kitchen. A fire extinguisher is essential for putting out small fires before they spread and engulf the house. But I hope we can agree that preventing a fire is superior to letting it get started and trying to put it out before it does more damage. Just as you would take steps to prevent fires from starting in your home, such as keeping flammable materials away from heat sources and replacing faulty equipment or appliances, you would be wise to proactively manage your relationship to prevent conflicts.

As you are dating and experimenting with relationships, I recommend that you pay close attention to both you and your partner’s skill level and self-mastery in conflict management and resolution. Dealing with the inevitable disagreements in a healthy way is one of the most essential ingredients in healthy relationships. When you find yourself in a conversation where you or your partner is flooded, your ability to implement a time-out is the only thing between your emotions and the devil (3 Nephi 11:29). But a time-out should generally be a last resort.

Here are several preliminary “fire prevention” strategies to enhance relationship communication before you get to a moment when a time out is needed. I recommend that you intentionally practice these in your dating relationships to help determine if you have the skills to make it as a couple:

  1. Our friend Dan Robinson recommends that we ask ourselves, “Is this even going to matter tomorrow?”

– We can experience trauma responses to many words or actions that are not truly dangerous to our well-being. Reflecting on the long-term significance of the issue can help to put it in proper perspective before escalating it.

  1. Question the necessity of agreeing.

– Determine if the disagreement truly impacts your daily life together or if it is a difference of opinion that can coexist without resolution.

  1. Assume good intent.

– Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. If he or she is not intentionally trying to hurt you, approach the situation with gentleness and try to teach a better way. Taking offense where none is intended is a relationship killer.

  1. Listen thoroughly before responding.

– Commit to fully understanding your partner’s perspective before reacting. As Stephen Covey said, “Listen to understand, not to reply.”

– Adopt the rule for yourself that you do not have all the facts and do not understand your partner’s thoughts until your partner agrees you do.

  1. Maintain self-control.

– Avoid yelling or losing control, even when upset. Staying calm preserves the connection and influence you have with your partner.

– Anger has a survival function to give you a temporary burst of adrenaline to help you fight off a dangerous enemy. When you show anger toward a loved one, he or she experiences you as an enemy. Is that what you want?

  1. Trust is a policy.

– Remind yourself that your partner loves you and would not intentionally hurt you. Keep this in mind when interpreting his or her words.

  1. Respond to changes in demeanor with care.

– Pay attention to your partner’s expressions and tone, and acknowledge if your partner seems upset, and intentionally show empathy. For example, you could say, “I sense that you are getting upset, and I care about your feelings. Can we take a step back and talk about what is bothering you?”

– “A soft answer turneth away wrath: But grievous words stir up to anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

  1. Differentiate between problems and people.

– Address the issue at hand rather than attacking your partner. Recognize whether you are dealing with a “problem to be solved” or “a person to be loved” as President Monson suggested.

  1. Look for underlying pain.

– Understand that most people are not crazy. Ask yourself why someone would do the thing your partner is doing. Seemingly irrational words or actions often stem from deeper pain or fear. Address these root causes with compassion instead of judgment.

  1. Practice the Golden Rule.

– Treat your partner as you would like to be treated. Show respect and kindness, especially during conflicts. If you are speaking words or taking actions that you would find jarring or rude, don’t do those things to your partner and don’t use your partner’s conduct to justify such things.

– “[W]hatsoever ye would that men should do to you: do ye even so to them” (Matthew 7:12).

Mastering even one of these strategies has the potential to prevent conflicts from escalating to the point where a time out is necessary to avoid damaging the relationship. Like a fire extinguisher, time outs are beneficial for immediate damage control; but they do not inherently improve the relationship. Time outs minimize harm but do not address the underlying mistrust or fear causing the conflict.

The ten strategies listed above act as safety precautions to maintain a healthy marriage. They go beyond knowing when to call a time out, focusing instead on building a solid foundation of trust, understanding, and effective communication. Just as you would not rely solely on a fire extinguisher to keep your home safe, you should not depend only on time outs to manage your marital communication.

In conclusion, while time outs are a valuable tool for preventing immediate harm during conflicts, they should be part of a broader strategy for fostering a positive, healthy, and resilient marriage. By practicing a holistic approach to communication and conflict management, couples can address the root causes of their disagreements, build trust and positive feelings, and build a mutually satisfying relationship for the long term.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

 Lily Tube: Navigating Trauma & Triggers

If you would like additional resources, go to loveinlateryears.com and sign up for a FREE Consult so we can direct you personally – we are here to support you!

About the Author

Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.

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