It takes courage to blend two families and work to make them one. Each blended family is unique and has varying challenges. But every blended family begins with a big adjustment for everyone involved. Often divorced parents feel guilty about what the divorce has done to their children, and they feel their guilt magnified by putting their children through this adjustment.
Blending families really amounts to meeting and learning to live with and love new people. Family blending is not like putting your kids to work in factories and coal mines, exposing them to danger and black lung disease when they are children. The challenge of blending families asks our kids to learn to play well with others—and it is a challenge. But challenges are good for children. Few people with intact families would suggest that the right way to raise children is to coddle, pamper, and over-protect them, and make them feel like the center of the universe. That is the way to raise a generation of entitled narcissists. So, challenging our children to integrate their family with step siblings, cooperate, share, and learn to love each other can really prepare them for the inevitable adjustments to mission companions, college roommates, and ultimately spouses in their own future families.
While every blended family is a little different, here are some considerations that will make blending a family easier.
- The stepparent should ease into the parental role very slowly.
Allow the children to call their stepparent by his or her first name if the child prefers. Leave most of the discipline to the natural parent who has raised the child up to that point. Encourage the children to bond with their stepparent more like a friend at first. Delay heavy-handed discipline by the stepparent until the children thoroughly love and trust him or her. We have personally experienced this working in our own family. We have never had one of the children say, “you are not my dad.” More than five years into the development of our blended family, I am able to be a more active parent to Cathy’s kids. But the process has been slow and gradual. The kids love and trust me now, even though they are teenagers. But that did not automatically happen because we had a wedding and I moved into their home. Taking the process of moving into the parental role slowly, and letting the kids adjust will create better long-term relationships than pulling rank. Really get to know them before you start bossing them around.Often, remarrying couples are over-anxious to be a “real” family and try to force it. Especially in family blending, remember that “this stew takes a long time to cook.” A family is built and marinated in love, not in roles or positions that must be reinforced by force or manipulation. Your family is unique, and it will evolve how it is meant to with lots of love and attention, and a culture that honors agency.
- Consider family cultures.
Each family develops its own culture as it is established and grows. Some families are more permissive. Others are more structured and strict. No two families are exactly alike and blending them together can present unique opportunities. You might decide to simply let each set of children live by the rules they are used to. However, how is that going to work when one set of children gets to stay out late on the weekends and the other has to come home early? How does that work when one set of children is not used to doing household chores while the other is? Consider holding a family meeting (or possibly many meetings) about blending cultures and family rules and be very intentional about getting buy-in from all of the children regarding family rules.Your family rules and culture evolved informally, and you may not even be conscious of all of the rules you live by. Both of you likely evolved your previous family culture over years as you welcomed each child to the family, and your kids will be most comfortable with the culture they are used to. Your spouse’s family evolved with a different set of norms and customs than yours. So, you may need periodic meetings as you establish your family and move forward to resolve the issues that arise. A stepfamily situation presents a unique opportunity to be intentional about both your written and unwritten family norms and rules. Remember that there is not a “right” or “wrong” way to parent—even if you and your spouse have different preferences. Be flexible, loving, and empathetic to each other for the changes you are each making. - Both families must be flexible.
Blended families are complicated. The children from both prior families are each getting used to a stepparent and step siblings. Sometimes some of the children will be with their other parent—while other children are with you. It might be rare to have the entire family together for Sunday dinner based on custody schedules. It is important to maintain a level of flexibility and learn to roll with the changing family arrangements and dynamics depending on who is home at any given time. It can be tricky helping children to not feel left out if certain family activities occur when they are with their other parent. Family members will also need to learn to be flexible with each other’s preferences, which they had not been required to consider previously. Learned flexibility will help your family bend but not break under the pressure of these new circumstances. That skill will serve the children well in roommate or mission companionship situations, in the workplace and, ultimately, in their future marriages. Let it be a positive thing instead of something you resent or worry about.
- Give yourself time to love your step kids.If you don’t feel the same love and affection for your step kids as for your natural children at first, welcome to the human race. You have spent years caring for and bonding with your own children. A wedding does not automatically bond you to your stepchildren. We have experienced our love for our stepchildren growing into the same love we feel for our biological children. But it takes time. Your own children will want you to be more loyal to them than to your stepchildren. They might see you trying to show impartiality when a problem arises and interpret it as disloyalty. That can be a difficult tightrope to walk. Your own children need to be reassured of your love, without you taking on the role of the wicked stepmother who treats her her natural children with obvious preference to her step kids. (All of those fairy tales aren’t based on nothing!) That is one reason it is important to leave the “tough love” moments of parenting to the parent who has raised the child until there is a bond of love and trust with the stepparent. I take Cathy’s kids out on outings to spend one-on-one time with them regularly—just as I did with my natural children. My stepsons still look forward to this, even though they are both teenagers. This kind of interaction has helped the kids know they are important to me as individuals and not “baggage” that came along with their mom. (I have never liked that term.)Cathy’s kids were not really like my kids in the beginning. They didn’t look anything like me. They were fair-skinned and freckled with ginger hair. My natural kids had sandy hair and were a little darker complected like me. My stepsons were pretty serious and didn’t share my sense of humor. (They have a lot more of that now!) They were marinated in a different family culture and had different interests, habits, and personalities than my natural children. In such a situation, give yourself and your step kids some grace. Don’t expect a full family connection to happen overnight. Just know that your step kids are likely eager to trust you and build that relationship. Simple and consistent effort to be loving over years matters more than grand gestures. Remember, a relationship is something you build gradually with intentional effort more than something you create with a wedding ceremony.I have come to love my stepsons like my own and have built a genuine father-son relationship with each of them. They are never reluctant to give me hugs or tell me they love me—and they do so on a regular basis. They are a blessing to me every day. My 29-year-old son is quite a lot older than my stepsons, but they look up to him and genuinely enjoy spending time with him playing video games, watching movies, or playing board games. They are sometimes eager to compare notes with him about what it is like to grow up with me as a father. They will argue with each other about who gets to talk with him first when he calls on the phone. My older son genuinely loves his step-brothers and tries to be a positive influence on them as they grow up. Am I blessed or what? The key to our family connection has been patience and giving ourselves and each other grace about the complexity and sometimes messy process required to build a real relationship, rather than immediately jumping in to demand obedience and respect. Remember, again, that this stew takes a long time to cook. But when you get it right, the taste is delicious!
- Create a family identity.
In a blended family, you are creating a family by choice rather than by blood. Sometimes it takes us a while to really feel like a family. Be intentional about creating family rituals. Figure out your own way to celebrate Christmas that might be a little different from the way you celebrated it in either previous family. How are you going to celebrate birthdays? What are your family themes going to be? We know a traditional family where the parents were raised on farms and are concerned about not raising their kids on a farm with a prodigious work ethic and all of the problem-solving skills you can learn from farm work. So, they replaced their farm with things like violin lessons and dedicated homework time. One of their family themes is “grit.” They want their children to grow up to be strong, resilient problem solvers. All of the children are growing up with that message ringing in their ears. What will your family theme be? Talk about it together and with your children and start to intentionally build a family culture and identity. That kind of shared thinking will help you come together around common purposes.Underlying these suggestions and considerations, the most important thing is to provide both sets of children with a loving and united example as a couple. You have an opportunity to show your children and your stepchildren what a loving and respectful marriage looks like. Be ready to have that kind of marriage and give them that gift. Just like the parents of intact families with one set of children, every family needs a mom and dad who love each other and love all their children. It is no different with blended families. They just look a little different. A blended family can be the most beautiful blessing of your life if you are brave, flexible, innovative, and intentional.
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About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and a sweet baby granddaughter.
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