Author’s Note: Below are excerpts from Chapter 3 of Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress, and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. CLICK HERE to get your copy.
One of the brightest silver linings in the dark cloud of my divorce was the opportunity to reevaluate my individual identity. I read books, had counseling, and deepened my spirituality. I questioned how my “relationship style” had been ugly and ineffective? These are not fun questions but do not have to be blaming or shaming. Divorce is a great opportunity for introspection and improvement, including increased awareness that not everything I think or feel is true.
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When we experience trauma (including in relationships), it stores anxiety in our minds and bodies. The human brain is millions of years old. It is not designed primarily for happiness. As with any other animal, our brain’s primary function is survival. Our brains use fear to warn us of danger and are always looking for something wrong. So, when something reminds the brain of traumatic experiences, it is “triggered” to bring up fear. The pain triggers a “fight or flight” response.
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I love the Biblical verse, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). The Holy Ghost does not speak through fear and anxiety. How does He speak? “[T]he fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance” (Galatians 5:22-23). Nowhere in this passage is it suggested that the Spirit speaks to us through fear. You can receive God’s peace through the Spirit, even when it confirms a decision to move on from a relationship.
I am not suggesting that fear has no function. Fear warns us of danger and activates our “fight or flight” response. But the system is over-inclusive and imperfect. Many things trigger us that are not dangerous. Very few situations would require me to end a relationship immediately without reflection, but fear might make it feel urgent. I might end a relationship in panic and regret it later.
As a mid-single you have almost certainly experienced loss or rejection and have some trauma stored in your mind and body. Under these circumstances, it is normal to be consumed with fear of future loss. This kind of fear has the capacity to steal our joy. Don Miguel Ruiz wrote:
We say this is my body, my house, my family, my life… but it is not true. If you are afraid to lose your material or emotional acquisitions, that is hell.
In plain English, “hell” is the misery we feel because we fear loss. Knowing that trauma is stored in the mind and body can help us make more intelligent decisions to not be ruled by fear. As President Faust said, “Let us not take counsel from our fears. May we remember always to be of good cheer, put our faith in God, and live worthy for Him to direct us.” We are sure to have fears, but we need not be run by them. If we are afraid of approaching someone special about a first date, fear is normal – especially for mid-singles who have been rejected. However, self-talk is a powerful thing. Tell yourself that fear is normal and go ahead anyway. It is like jumping off the high dive. Don’t stand on the edge looking down. That is terrifying. Just close your eyes and take the leap – which is exhilarating! Next time it won’t be so hard, and the time after that will be even easier.
As a relationship develops, if he doesn’t return your texts for a few hours, it doesn’t mean he’s with another woman. If she is busy with her kids and can’t see you on a Saturday night, it doesn’t mean she is pulling away. If you are not yet in an exclusive relationship and he takes out another woman the night after a date with you, it doesn’t mean he is a “player” or a “cheater.” He is simply exploring his options while he is not in a committed relationship. A variety of innocent events can trigger you to believe you are seeing a “red flag” that portends doom for your future happiness. Before you make relationship decisions, make sure you are feeling calm and centered and evaluate the evidence from a place of peace.
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Do you avoid approaching attractive people because you can’t imagine them being attracted to you? Once you are dating someone, do you find yourself gripped with fear that it won’t last or that you won’t be good enough for him or her? Are you tempted to hide your faults to seem “good enough” for your partner? Are you suspicious of his or her motives without real reasons? Is fear where your mind automatically goes when your partner is late meeting you, fails to answer your texts promptly, or cannot make plans with you on a particular day? Fear is always along for the ride, but it should not be in the driver’s seat.
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You may feel like your fear, pain, and trauma are unique. But you are not alone. You are part of a worldwide community of mid-singles who all have trauma. Like you, they are terrified of heartbreak and rejection. People just like you enjoy dating, and they find love and get married. The fact that you are afraid does not put the grand prize of eternal marriage out of reach. I was afraid too. But I dated many beautiful and accomplished women and married the best one for me. If you are a Latter-day Saint mid-single adult, you have lived enough to have experience and wisdom. You are still young enough to do beautiful things with your life. Don’t let fear and pain get in the way of your deepest longings.
* CATHY *
When I was a little girl, I was proud of the fact I had never been stung by a bee. Then one day, while playing tag with some friends, I rounded the corner of my parents’ property and found myself in the middle of a swarm of bees. Intuitively, I did what any other little kid would do – I freaked out, and that lead to a full-blown attack. Luckily, I am not allergic to bees so it wasn’t physically serious, but it really did a number on my psyche. For years I would tense up around bees and yet try to stay still and calm, because I had learned the hard way that the best way to avoid a bee sting is to not show fear by flailing around and bringing upon myself the very thing I feared – getting stung!
There are many lessons to be learned when applying this concept to dating and relationships. First, fear feeds on fear. When dating partners are feeling and acting fearful, one or both will get stung. Second, generally we cause our own fears to be realized. Fearful action can cause reaction in others to our potential detriment. Although agency and actions of others are not our fault, our fear can have a powerful effect on how others naturally respond to us through their own fears and insecurities. Third, if we can learn to act counterintuitively and intentionally breathe calming peace into our bodies when we feel threatened, we can often avoid being hurt in the ways that we fear. Since learning that bees respond to fearful reaction, I have learned to calm myself to avoid the same fate I experienced as a kid. Gratefully, I was never stung by a bee again.
I wish I could say that I learned these lessons about fear and applied them to the rest of my life but it has unfortunately taken many years of trial and error for me to get better at applying them in love and relationships. I am constantly making a renewed commitment to do better at this. Looking back, I realize how fear played out in my relationships, repeated over and over again in various situations. If it is a particularly big fear, it tends to manifest itself in more than one relationship, perpetuating self-fulfilling prophecies that become increasingly difficult to escape. In hindsight, I can see how I expanded my own fear and created outcomes I feared most!
I have also witnessed how my partner’s fears have been played out through me, even though most often their fears have not been the same as mine. This was not because I was tricked into acting out what they fear. I have my agency. However, like bees, my natural reaction at times has been to sting my partner with what he feared in me. I have learned that it requires intentional proactive measures to avoid this natural instinct and prevent fears from being self-perpetuated. Because I hate hurting people, it has sometimes shocked me how powerful fear is in causing reaction and subsequent pain in relationships. It has saddened me to have hurt, and been hurt by, people I have loved the most.
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When I really allowed myself to settle into it, being single was a time of growth, self-discovery, introspection, and enlightenment. Even though I was nervous to date at first (when I hadn’t in so many years), after the first few dates I became more comfortable. Fear of commitment was how my relationship anxiety manifested more than anything else during my mid-single dating years, even though what I ultimately wanted required commitment. Over time, I overcame that fear with inspiration and by following the spirit’s guidance for life matters unrelated to dating.
Although it is important to prepare yourself for dating when you have experienced loss and heartache that left you fearful, you cannot wait until you are not nervous or fearful, or you will never start dating. Yet some of us push past our fears so much we make unwise choices – learn from someone like me who had a propensity for pushing too much at first. Take the time you need to heal and elevate your life, follow God’s promptings, and then you will attract some great opportunities when you are ready!
“Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27).
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About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
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Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
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Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
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Email:
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