From the Garden of Eden onward, Satan has had one primary piece of problem-solving advice: Hide! Use some fig-leaves to cover the problem up. After eating the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve were already confused and guilt-ridden. Satan, taking advantage of their isolation, admonished them to worry more about avoiding embarrassment than solving their problem. “Quick, hide!” he commanded as their only hope of redemption beckoned to them. Unfortunately, far too many of us succumb to his ludicrous counsel.
Years ago, the wife of an acquaintance of mine, whom I’ll call Ben, attempted suicide. Prior to this, most everyone who knew them would have described them as having it all together. I felt sick inside when I thought about the years of secret turmoil that must have preceded this incident. I began to notice that every reference friends made to their crisis was offered in hushed tones. I began to fear that our collective discomfort at addressing it might be translating to meager support for the family. I sought out their home teachers (as Church ministers were then called) and asked if they had spoken with Ben. Both blinked uncomfortably, then said, “No. We wouldn’t want to embarrass him.”
A house divided cannot stand. Satan uses shame to divide us. While he assembles the bad guys, he warns us that if others knew of our struggles, they would shun us. And our fear that he is right creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. We stand weak and alone as he mercilessly attacks.
Moroni didn’t fall for the lie. The first time he comes on the scene, he’s not subtle about confronting the problem. In a dramatic public display, we’re told that, “he rent his coat; and he took a piece thereof, and wrote upon it. . . And he fastened on his head-plate and his breastplate, and his shields, and girded on his armor about his loins. . .”[1] He then, “bowed himself to the earth, and he prayed mightily. . .”[2]
Fig leaves? No way. Moroni understood that sin is always social. No one’s vices affect only them, and no one’s weaknesses can be sustained without accomplices. Deep problems are never overcome alone. As if to punctuate this point, Moroni next, “went forth among the people, waving the rent part of his garment in the air, that all might see.”[3]
Now let me be clear: openness is not exhibitionism. The reason Moroni went public was not to seek pity or attention. He was mobilizing action. There is also a difference between hiding and choosing. Hiding is succumbing to shame. Choosing is enlisting relevant support. Who needs to know that your spouse has a porn addiction? Anyone who is willing to ‘rend their coat, don their headplate and gird on their armor.’ And no one else.
I belatedly realized that I was failing my friend by standing on the sidelines. Although I didn’t know him well, I called Ben at work one day. In retrospect, I’m sure I could have found a better way to open the topic. When Ben answered the phone, I said, “Hi, this is Joseph Grenny. I don’t know any other way to say this, but I heard your wife attempted suicide. My heart has been breaking for both you and her. Do you want to talk about it?”
He said nothing for a long time. Then I heard sniffles. Then, “Yes. I really would.”
We met the next day. He sobbed. I listened. Whereas the day before he fought alone, he now had one more soldier in his fight.
[1]. Alma 46:12
[2]. Alma 46:13
[3]. Alma 46:19
