I agree with Marla - The birth child has been sealed to her adoptive family and they have literally become her eternal family. LDS adoptions were once considered "closed" and the birth mother was counting on that information not being released. It is a betrayal to change the rules after the fact. The birth parents provided a body for the child, but they aren't the family.
LynSeptember 9, 2019
My mother died recently and she wasn’t gone five minutes when out came the secret! I will live with the pain and disappointment i feel because she didn’t feel enough friendship from me or trust me with this pain in her life she had carried since she was 16. I wish she had told me while she was able to help me understand, process and deal with it. Secrets come out, they should be told while the person is alive to tell their side.
JenniferSeptember 8, 2019
My mother too gave a baby up for adoption following a rape. She lived with the shame (which was never hers to bear) for decades and was so relieved to discover that her children all love her the same when she found out we knew. I secretly hoped that my half-sister would connect with our family through DNA but that hasn't happened. It makes me wonder if she died young or never had children of her own. I would definitely let the adult children know--I'm guessing their capacity to love will be great.
BeckySeptember 7, 2019
May I offer a look at this situation from the other side? The mother of my daughter's boyfriend is the child given up for adoption in a situation exactly like this. She is in her 50's, connected with her birth siblings via a DNA website, and just met all of them 2 months ago. Just like her birth mother, she is an innocent person in this situation. Her life with her adoptive family was difficult. Her birth mother went on to raise a wonderful and loving family. She did not tell her other children, and they connected via the DNA website. All of her children had a deep desire to meet this sister they never knew about, and they had a wonderful reunion where they discovered they all look exactly like each other. They had this reunion minus their mother, who would not participate. The children told their mom they were going to meet their sister with or without her. It has been very healing for the innocent daughter who was adopted to feel so much love from people she is related to by blood and who look exactly like her. I think it's important to remember that the mother is innocent, but so is the child in a situation like this. If I have learned anything from this turn of events, its that love, even in difficult situations, can be very healing.
TessSeptember 6, 2019
I worked with a wonderful person who is in her 50s and just found out she has a half brother. Her mother disclosed it this year after he sought her out. They were thrilled to meet him and make him part of the family. I would think that most adults in today's world would understand circumstances and tragedies that happen and would certainly be forgiving and want to have compassion and love.
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CJWSeptember 6, 2019
I was raised as the grandchild of a similar situation like this. My grandmother was forced by her parents to give my father to them ro raise after he was born. There was abuse and control in that family and I think she was trying to get out of it. They ran my biological grandfather off at gunpoint before a marriage could take place. This was 1920's America and a very religious farm community. He was Catholic, she was Lutheran, and you didn't mix that back then.. At age 6 yrs, his "parents" died and he was re-routed back to his biological mother and was told the truth. She was now married and had started a family. He felt out of place from the start and left the farm at age 16. His half-siblings were never told--my grandma was a wonderful loving woman, but maintained the secrecy till she died because her family of origin had shamed her into it. My grandmother died when my father's half-siblings were well into adulthood with families of their own. At that point, my step-grandpa said, "It's time all the secrets stopped" and told everything. They were shocked but said, "We've lived with our eldest brother, as our brother all our growing up years, why should that make a difference now?" To them, that was something that happened to her, sad though it was. They were not adopting that pain onto themselves, which was healthy. I believe once people arrive at mature adulthood, these things need to come out. I have located my biological grandfather's family and now have a relationship with them that is very good. I feel loved and more whole. People need to live their truth. A lie is a chaotic rotten stinking mess and the smell doesn't get better with time. I would rather stare shock and pain in the face one time when I'm mature enough to handle it, than live in a made-up world of someone else's lies and still being silently manipulated. My grandma died when I was a baby so I don't remember her, but if I had, and have known her story, it would have endeared me to her even more for the unnecessary trauma she held inside her. I tell this to honor and heal her, hoping to prevent lies happening to someone else. Live the Truth. When it is all on the table, it can be sorted out. Give people a chance to deal with their own lives. Don't be the master manipulator of someone else's fate.
Marla SmakaSeptember 6, 2019
I come from the perspective of an adoptee and have adopted siblings and a son-in-law who came into his parents' home via adoption. It is very disheartening for me when think the adoptive family is not the "real" family. In this instance, the poor woman who was raped and subsequent pregnancy is told she needs to let her children know they have a half sibling. But do they really? The genetic material from their mother does not make them siblings. The family that raised them is the "real" family. In this same line of thought, if an infertile couple see help through reproductive medicine, is their baby conceived through either sperm or egg donation not their "real" child, but the "real" child of the sperm donor or egg donor? One thing that stabbed me to the heart was when my adopted sibling told me he met his "real" sister (note, not birth sister, but real sister). Nevermind he was 44 and I was 58 years of age the time. All those years of family events, shared memories, were not the same as the "real" sister he met briefly.
Dennis r BottSeptember 6, 2019
I live this story everyday...my birth parents were never married because my birth father was an Italian prisoner of war being held at old Fort Douglas at Salt Lake City and my birth mother was the daughter of a prominent medical Doctor [she was only 16-years old when I was born]...my birth certificate was falsified to show that the women I was given to was my birth mother [this sweet lady was unable to have children but her husband did not want a child that was not "his blood"] so I was never adopted [I lived like Harry Potter in a cupboard under the stairs"... when someone would ask where I came from this man would say "he is the milkman's son" which I felt was a very cruel thing because his wife was an angel...I was 17-years old when a sister to the sweet woman that raised me informed me that I was not a blood member of the family - but the lies continued. My make-believe-father went so far as to destroy a detailed letter that the woman that raised me left that was to be given to me upon her death [detailing the events of my birth, the names of my birth parents, and how to reach them if I so desired] - you see she always believed I would not love her if I knew the truth about my birth...that was an unwarranted falsehood because I bonded and loved this sweet woman with all my heart. At the age of 60 my wife bought me an Ancestry DNA kit as a Christmas gift and it was the results that verified the I was 80% southern Italian decent and 20% English decent and provided credible DNA links to my birth family and identified my birth mother who is living in Idaho. When I reached out to my birth family they expressed embarrassment that their mother had a child out of wed-lock [especially with a World War 11 prisoner of war] refusing to communicate further with me. My birth mother suffered from the same issues as the mother in the article that had been raped fearing repercussions from her children [my half bothers and sisters]...so my search for my birth mother and my blood family was both successful and tragic...
JamesSeptember 6, 2019
This heroine should not have to face such a delicate and traumatic event again, but truth be known when her children are exposed to this outrageous horror they will want to know who caused it. Their trauma could overflow if it is discovered a loved relative or a respected acquaintance caused their mother’s heartache. This discovery could throw the family into disarray and throw the siblings into a hate for their newfound brother or sister.
Grateful Adoptive MomSeptember 6, 2019
To the mother: thank you for choosing to give the baby life, even under such dire circumstances. Thank you for giving the adoptive parents the most precious gift any person can give them. As the mother of three adopted boys, I send you a hug, my love, and gratitude on behalf of all adoptive mothers.
Comments | Return to Story
krewcotSeptember 9, 2019
I agree with Marla - The birth child has been sealed to her adoptive family and they have literally become her eternal family. LDS adoptions were once considered "closed" and the birth mother was counting on that information not being released. It is a betrayal to change the rules after the fact. The birth parents provided a body for the child, but they aren't the family.
LynSeptember 9, 2019
My mother died recently and she wasn’t gone five minutes when out came the secret! I will live with the pain and disappointment i feel because she didn’t feel enough friendship from me or trust me with this pain in her life she had carried since she was 16. I wish she had told me while she was able to help me understand, process and deal with it. Secrets come out, they should be told while the person is alive to tell their side.
JenniferSeptember 8, 2019
My mother too gave a baby up for adoption following a rape. She lived with the shame (which was never hers to bear) for decades and was so relieved to discover that her children all love her the same when she found out we knew. I secretly hoped that my half-sister would connect with our family through DNA but that hasn't happened. It makes me wonder if she died young or never had children of her own. I would definitely let the adult children know--I'm guessing their capacity to love will be great.
BeckySeptember 7, 2019
May I offer a look at this situation from the other side? The mother of my daughter's boyfriend is the child given up for adoption in a situation exactly like this. She is in her 50's, connected with her birth siblings via a DNA website, and just met all of them 2 months ago. Just like her birth mother, she is an innocent person in this situation. Her life with her adoptive family was difficult. Her birth mother went on to raise a wonderful and loving family. She did not tell her other children, and they connected via the DNA website. All of her children had a deep desire to meet this sister they never knew about, and they had a wonderful reunion where they discovered they all look exactly like each other. They had this reunion minus their mother, who would not participate. The children told their mom they were going to meet their sister with or without her. It has been very healing for the innocent daughter who was adopted to feel so much love from people she is related to by blood and who look exactly like her. I think it's important to remember that the mother is innocent, but so is the child in a situation like this. If I have learned anything from this turn of events, its that love, even in difficult situations, can be very healing.
TessSeptember 6, 2019
I worked with a wonderful person who is in her 50s and just found out she has a half brother. Her mother disclosed it this year after he sought her out. They were thrilled to meet him and make him part of the family. I would think that most adults in today's world would understand circumstances and tragedies that happen and would certainly be forgiving and want to have compassion and love. .
CJWSeptember 6, 2019
I was raised as the grandchild of a similar situation like this. My grandmother was forced by her parents to give my father to them ro raise after he was born. There was abuse and control in that family and I think she was trying to get out of it. They ran my biological grandfather off at gunpoint before a marriage could take place. This was 1920's America and a very religious farm community. He was Catholic, she was Lutheran, and you didn't mix that back then.. At age 6 yrs, his "parents" died and he was re-routed back to his biological mother and was told the truth. She was now married and had started a family. He felt out of place from the start and left the farm at age 16. His half-siblings were never told--my grandma was a wonderful loving woman, but maintained the secrecy till she died because her family of origin had shamed her into it. My grandmother died when my father's half-siblings were well into adulthood with families of their own. At that point, my step-grandpa said, "It's time all the secrets stopped" and told everything. They were shocked but said, "We've lived with our eldest brother, as our brother all our growing up years, why should that make a difference now?" To them, that was something that happened to her, sad though it was. They were not adopting that pain onto themselves, which was healthy. I believe once people arrive at mature adulthood, these things need to come out. I have located my biological grandfather's family and now have a relationship with them that is very good. I feel loved and more whole. People need to live their truth. A lie is a chaotic rotten stinking mess and the smell doesn't get better with time. I would rather stare shock and pain in the face one time when I'm mature enough to handle it, than live in a made-up world of someone else's lies and still being silently manipulated. My grandma died when I was a baby so I don't remember her, but if I had, and have known her story, it would have endeared me to her even more for the unnecessary trauma she held inside her. I tell this to honor and heal her, hoping to prevent lies happening to someone else. Live the Truth. When it is all on the table, it can be sorted out. Give people a chance to deal with their own lives. Don't be the master manipulator of someone else's fate.
Marla SmakaSeptember 6, 2019
I come from the perspective of an adoptee and have adopted siblings and a son-in-law who came into his parents' home via adoption. It is very disheartening for me when think the adoptive family is not the "real" family. In this instance, the poor woman who was raped and subsequent pregnancy is told she needs to let her children know they have a half sibling. But do they really? The genetic material from their mother does not make them siblings. The family that raised them is the "real" family. In this same line of thought, if an infertile couple see help through reproductive medicine, is their baby conceived through either sperm or egg donation not their "real" child, but the "real" child of the sperm donor or egg donor? One thing that stabbed me to the heart was when my adopted sibling told me he met his "real" sister (note, not birth sister, but real sister). Nevermind he was 44 and I was 58 years of age the time. All those years of family events, shared memories, were not the same as the "real" sister he met briefly.
Dennis r BottSeptember 6, 2019
I live this story everyday...my birth parents were never married because my birth father was an Italian prisoner of war being held at old Fort Douglas at Salt Lake City and my birth mother was the daughter of a prominent medical Doctor [she was only 16-years old when I was born]...my birth certificate was falsified to show that the women I was given to was my birth mother [this sweet lady was unable to have children but her husband did not want a child that was not "his blood"] so I was never adopted [I lived like Harry Potter in a cupboard under the stairs"... when someone would ask where I came from this man would say "he is the milkman's son" which I felt was a very cruel thing because his wife was an angel...I was 17-years old when a sister to the sweet woman that raised me informed me that I was not a blood member of the family - but the lies continued. My make-believe-father went so far as to destroy a detailed letter that the woman that raised me left that was to be given to me upon her death [detailing the events of my birth, the names of my birth parents, and how to reach them if I so desired] - you see she always believed I would not love her if I knew the truth about my birth...that was an unwarranted falsehood because I bonded and loved this sweet woman with all my heart. At the age of 60 my wife bought me an Ancestry DNA kit as a Christmas gift and it was the results that verified the I was 80% southern Italian decent and 20% English decent and provided credible DNA links to my birth family and identified my birth mother who is living in Idaho. When I reached out to my birth family they expressed embarrassment that their mother had a child out of wed-lock [especially with a World War 11 prisoner of war] refusing to communicate further with me. My birth mother suffered from the same issues as the mother in the article that had been raped fearing repercussions from her children [my half bothers and sisters]...so my search for my birth mother and my blood family was both successful and tragic...
JamesSeptember 6, 2019
This heroine should not have to face such a delicate and traumatic event again, but truth be known when her children are exposed to this outrageous horror they will want to know who caused it. Their trauma could overflow if it is discovered a loved relative or a respected acquaintance caused their mother’s heartache. This discovery could throw the family into disarray and throw the siblings into a hate for their newfound brother or sister.
Grateful Adoptive MomSeptember 6, 2019
To the mother: thank you for choosing to give the baby life, even under such dire circumstances. Thank you for giving the adoptive parents the most precious gift any person can give them. As the mother of three adopted boys, I send you a hug, my love, and gratitude on behalf of all adoptive mothers.
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