It's easier to forgive the debt when the creditor has moved on and no longer needs the money. But is it fair to tell a parent who scrimped for years, working two or three jobs and making huge personal sacrifices to raise several children alone that they are now expected for forgive the debt while the other parent has spent years living a spendthrift life and ignoring all family responsibilities?
A parent who lived paycheck to paycheck supporting the family alone may now be facing retirement age with little to no savings because of the lack of support from the other parent. Forgiveness is important, but so is taking responsibility. It is possible to legally pursue the debt after the children are grown. Too many deadbeat parents are learning that if they just wait long enough the whole thing will go away. And too many custodial parents are facing financial ruin because of it. Therefore, I don't think it's fair to give a one-size-fits-all answer that it's best to forgive. For the letter writer, sure, she's got a good life and lots of other resources. For others, the right answer is to pursue that back support, especially when the other parent has the means to pay and simply refuses to do so.
AlbertAugust 20, 2019
Isn't the fact that the ex-husband is purposefully being deceitful about his payment of child support in order to obtain his Temple Recommend significant on many levels both in his personal life and in his functioning within the Church?
AnnAugust 20, 2019
Let it go. His failures are on him. We all fail - sometimes miserably and grace and mercy is all we have to give to ourselves and to the person who has failed us. If he didn't pay before - odds are he still won't pay/cant pay and then you will have that grief to add to the resentments that still hold you hostage.
ACHAugust 17, 2019
This happened with my wife and her ex-husband. He owed some $80,000 in back child support when I married her. Bough the state garnished his wages, he would quit the job and begin work elsewhere always trying to stay ahead of the state. We received a small portion of the back support but my wife and I determined for our peace, that we would not pursue him in another court. Though we could have used the money, but at what price to give up our peace and our relationship to the children. So we simply did nothing. We are still nice to him, the kids get to have a peaceful relationship with their father and quite frankly, they know how he is. It hurts but theyâve dealt with it and see their mother a their true hero.
Live and let live. Money does not and will not bring you any happiness in these type cases.
vickieAugust 16, 2019
i didn't read the entire advice back ...but...I can see how hard it is to FORGIVE...and basically that is what she has to do. I bet that there are people who know the situation better then she thinks. they know the score because he has shown his hand in other ways as well. she feels hurt inside that she gave up so much...but what she needs to do is stop looking back and move forward and FORGIVE HIM...she knows who he is...and so do others...instead...pray for him that somehow he can see what he has done and change himself...and never know one day he may come to her and ask for her forgiveness..he is still her brother...if she can look at it that way...it changes perspectives...wouldn't she want to FORGIVE her brother..
JeanAugust 16, 2019
Thank you for this question and answer. It ministered to my soul also. I love your explanation of forgiveness and Christ's part in it.... "When we forgive others, Christ assumes their debt to us." When we forgive, it's between them and Christ and we are no longer in the middle. Love it!
Oscar MuñozAugust 16, 2019
In defense of the few ex-husbands in this world, my ex-wife owes me over $70,000 in back child support. As the article alludes, I have no legal recourse since our son in common is now over the age of 18 and the court can no longer enforce its order.
Is it fair?
Is It right?
Whereâs the justice?
I can forgive, but the forgetting part is not always easy.
Why?
Because itâs not fair, right, or just.
Sure, we use the word âAtonementâ and talk of future blessings of living in Godâs present, but in the meantime the human weakness of wanting âfair, right, and justâ still lingers, and that is normal, we are not perfect.
Time, time has been my only friend to heal my heart.
Comments | Return to Story
AnonymousAugust 20, 2019
It's easier to forgive the debt when the creditor has moved on and no longer needs the money. But is it fair to tell a parent who scrimped for years, working two or three jobs and making huge personal sacrifices to raise several children alone that they are now expected for forgive the debt while the other parent has spent years living a spendthrift life and ignoring all family responsibilities? A parent who lived paycheck to paycheck supporting the family alone may now be facing retirement age with little to no savings because of the lack of support from the other parent. Forgiveness is important, but so is taking responsibility. It is possible to legally pursue the debt after the children are grown. Too many deadbeat parents are learning that if they just wait long enough the whole thing will go away. And too many custodial parents are facing financial ruin because of it. Therefore, I don't think it's fair to give a one-size-fits-all answer that it's best to forgive. For the letter writer, sure, she's got a good life and lots of other resources. For others, the right answer is to pursue that back support, especially when the other parent has the means to pay and simply refuses to do so.
AlbertAugust 20, 2019
Isn't the fact that the ex-husband is purposefully being deceitful about his payment of child support in order to obtain his Temple Recommend significant on many levels both in his personal life and in his functioning within the Church?
AnnAugust 20, 2019
Let it go. His failures are on him. We all fail - sometimes miserably and grace and mercy is all we have to give to ourselves and to the person who has failed us. If he didn't pay before - odds are he still won't pay/cant pay and then you will have that grief to add to the resentments that still hold you hostage.
ACHAugust 17, 2019
This happened with my wife and her ex-husband. He owed some $80,000 in back child support when I married her. Bough the state garnished his wages, he would quit the job and begin work elsewhere always trying to stay ahead of the state. We received a small portion of the back support but my wife and I determined for our peace, that we would not pursue him in another court. Though we could have used the money, but at what price to give up our peace and our relationship to the children. So we simply did nothing. We are still nice to him, the kids get to have a peaceful relationship with their father and quite frankly, they know how he is. It hurts but theyâve dealt with it and see their mother a their true hero. Live and let live. Money does not and will not bring you any happiness in these type cases.
vickieAugust 16, 2019
i didn't read the entire advice back ...but...I can see how hard it is to FORGIVE...and basically that is what she has to do. I bet that there are people who know the situation better then she thinks. they know the score because he has shown his hand in other ways as well. she feels hurt inside that she gave up so much...but what she needs to do is stop looking back and move forward and FORGIVE HIM...she knows who he is...and so do others...instead...pray for him that somehow he can see what he has done and change himself...and never know one day he may come to her and ask for her forgiveness..he is still her brother...if she can look at it that way...it changes perspectives...wouldn't she want to FORGIVE her brother..
JeanAugust 16, 2019
Thank you for this question and answer. It ministered to my soul also. I love your explanation of forgiveness and Christ's part in it.... "When we forgive others, Christ assumes their debt to us." When we forgive, it's between them and Christ and we are no longer in the middle. Love it!
Oscar MuñozAugust 16, 2019
In defense of the few ex-husbands in this world, my ex-wife owes me over $70,000 in back child support. As the article alludes, I have no legal recourse since our son in common is now over the age of 18 and the court can no longer enforce its order. Is it fair? Is It right? Whereâs the justice? I can forgive, but the forgetting part is not always easy. Why? Because itâs not fair, right, or just. Sure, we use the word âAtonementâ and talk of future blessings of living in Godâs present, but in the meantime the human weakness of wanting âfair, right, and justâ still lingers, and that is normal, we are not perfect. Time, time has been my only friend to heal my heart.
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