This is part two of this two-part series. Part one “How Could this Happen to Us?” is here.
Sexual abuse is every parent’s worst nightmare. Living the gospel doesn’t grant immunity. It can happen in any neighborhood. It can happen in the best of families. It can happen to kids of all ages, even teenagers. Still, there is a lot we can do to keep children safe. Here are three important ideas.
- Teach children about the sacredness of their own bodies. Teach and model modesty and appropriate behavior. Teach children that no one has the right to touch them inappropriately. Be sure they understand which parts of their bodies are private and what inappropriate touching is.
Many parents find it difficult to talk about sexual abuse. It’s a sensitive subject that can be uncomfortable to talk about. However, if we are open with our children, we can give them tools that will help them recognize what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. Children without these guidelines may have a higher risk for being sexually abused, because they may not recognize inappropriate behavior.
Consider the following statement by Richard G. Scott. “Some matters are so sensitive and intensely personal and can awaken such disturbing feelings that they are seldom mentioned publicly. Yet, if tenderly and compassionately treated in the light of truth, discussion of these matters can bring greater understanding, with the easing of pain, the blessing of healing, and even the avoidance of further tragedy.”[i]
As we teach our children about the sacredness of their bodies, we can help them understand how to recognize those who would misuse their bodies. As we teach correct principles with sensitivity and honesty we can arm them with knowledge. We can empower them to take control of their own bodies.
Some parents plan carefully for discussions about sexuality and others find that a casual approach works for them. One mother said, “We are very open about our bodies and have frequent unplanned talks when questions arise or when teaching moments occur.”
Children who are not taught about sexuality at home will learn about sexuality from others. They may learn from friends. They may learn at school. They may learn from abusers. Where do you want your children to learn about sexuality? If you choose, they can learn in the sacred setting of the home.
It is important to teach with clarity. One mother taught her daughter to take turns when playing with friends. “You can’t always pick the game,” she said. “After you choose a game then your friend gets to choose the next one.” Later when it was discovered that some inappropriate touching had been introduced, Mom asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
“Because it was his turn to choose the game,” was the answer. Ouch. More teaching followed about games that we should never play.
Teaching and modeling modesty doesn’t mean your child will not be targeted for abuse, but it gives them an edge in understanding appropriateness. We can be an example of appropriateness by closing doors when dressing and using the bathroom. We can wear a robe when walking around the house. We can choose clothing that is appropriate and encourage our children to make modest clothing choices.
Good counsel comes from For the Strength of Youth on the subject of modesty. “Your body is God’s sacred creation. Respect it as a gift from God, and do not defile it in any way. Through your dress and appearance, you can show the Lord that you know how precious your body is. You can show the Lord that you are a disciple of Jesus Christ….
“The way you dress is a reflection of what you are on the inside. Your dress and grooming send messages about you to others and influence the way you and others act. When you are well groomed and modestly dressed, you invite the companionship of the Spirit and can exercise a good influence on those around you.”[ii]
- Build a trusting relationship with your child. Have frequent talks about all sorts of things. Be a safe person for your child to talk to. Ask your child to tell you about anything that doesn’t feel right. Teach your children to tell you if anyone tries to touch them inappropriately.
When parents overreact about small things, a child may hesitate to come to them with big things. Sexual abuse is not a small thing. Make sure your child feels safe to come to you with anything. If your child does not feel safe sharing sensitive information with you, he or she will choose someone else, or worse, your child may choose to tell no one. One third of those who are sexually abused will never tell anyone.
One woman in her seventies told me that she had been molested by a teenaged neighbor when she was four or five. She wanted to tell her father, but couldn’t find the courage. She wondered if he might be angry and if he would blame her. She reported that she felt dirty and ashamed until she was baptized at the age of eight.
Realize that a child who doesn’t tell risks further abuse. A child who doesn’t tell is a lonely burdened child. A child who doesn’t tell is not getting help, is not healing, and is not moving on.
Often children find it difficult to disclose sexual abuse, because they are afraid they will get in trouble. They may fear that they will not be believed, or that the abuse was their fault. Understand that abuse is never the child’s fault. Be willing to talk things over when your child makes mistakes. If you are overly critical of a child’s mistakes, they may try to hide things from you, even when they are hurting.
Victims of sexual abuse can feel abandoned when they are not believed. Sexual abuse can be humiliating. Not being believed is a second humiliation.
One man related a painful story of abuse that began when he was about age six and escalated through puberty. Eventually he told his family about the abuse, but got little support from family and friends who felt he was exaggerating. A second humiliation. His abuser spread rumors about him in an attempt to discredit him. More humiliation. Other victims eventually came forward and the abuser was stopped, but the damage done to the young man was difficult to repair.
A young woman who was being sexually abused by an uncle called to report the abuse to the appropriate authorities. When her father learned of the phone call, he forced the young woman to call again and say that she had lied. Her father did not want the uncle’s name tarnished nor his family to be hurt. Sadly he did not place a high priority on the safety and healing of his daughter. Justice was not served. Other children may have been placed in harms way. Healing for the young woman was delayed.
We have in our communities adults who are carrying a heavy load. They were abused when they were young and they didn’t get the help they needed and deserved. Some never told. Some were not believed. Some were told to ignore their pain and pretend that the abuse never happened. We can do better.
Healing is difficult when the secret is buried. One woman told me “Part of the fear of admitting that you were abused as a child is what others might think of you once they know your past–that they will always think of your victimization whenever they see you–or having been a sexual abuse victim, they will wonder if you yourself are inclined toward pedophilia.”
Abuse for this woman began at age 5 and continued through her teenage years. She hoped to escape the abuse by marrying a righteous Priesthood Holder. The abuse carried into her marriage, though she was married in the temple. Her righteous Preisthood Holder was also abusive. Eventually she divorced but the shadows of the past are still with her.
“The earlier children can recognize that sexual abuse has taken place,” she continued, “the sooner they will be able to heal and articulate what has happened to them in ways that will make a healthy response more likely. That’s why [education is so critically needed] especially among Church members who may have a hard time even realizing that such things really do happen, even in active LDS families.
[The idea that sexual abuse doesn’t happen here] “makes it all the harder for LDS children to say that something bad has happened to them. They must not be left to live life for years feeling guilty and dirty. We all know where that leads: low self-esteem, promiscuity, OCDs-the list is endless. But until they understand that something bad has happened to them, they will have no choice but to feel that peculiar yucky, dirty, worthless feeling that comes with having been molested.”
Be a good listener. Believe your child. Help children to understand that you believe in them. This will help them trust you when they have serious matters to discuss.
Be certain that your children understand that you will love them no matter what, and that you are strong enough to help them no matter what. One teenager reported that she didn’t tell her parents when she was raped by a friend of the family, because she didn’t want to hurt her mother.
It’s okay to teach independence, but children also need to know that we are there for them and that we can handle difficult situations. If a child was bitten by a poisonous snake or a dangerous dog, they would need medical care and help from caring adults. When a child is confronted by abuse they need help too. An abused child who doesn’t seek help may have a difficult road ahead. Let’s give them permission to ask for help. Let’s make it easy for them to come to us.
- Always know where your children are and with whom. Trust your feelings. Notice anything that doesn’t feel right. Remember that most children are not sexually abused by strangers, but by friends and family members. You don’t want to be paranoid, but it is smart to be aware.
Realize that teenagers are often targets for abuse and that boys are sexually abused almost as often as girls. Unsupervised children, lonely children, and children with low self-esteem, are sometimes easy marks.
Set clear boundaries with your children about knowing their whereabouts. Children don’t always like to keep parents informed, but you can be firm about this. Don’t be dissuaded by the “You don’t trust me” complaint. Too much is at stake.
Be aware of anyone who shows unusual interest in your child or teenager. Be wary of anyone who wants to spend time alone with your child. Watch out for anyone who showers your child with gifts. If an adult is cultivating an unusual relationship with your child, step back and ask yourself if it feels natural. Even if that adult is a trusted family member, you may want to check things out.
Be prayerful and pay attention to your feelings. If something feels uncomfortable, pay attention. Trust the Holy Ghost to guide you and realize that uncomfortable feelings may come from the Holy Ghost as a warning.
Notice changes in behavior that might suggest sexual abuse, such as nightmares, bedwetting, withdrawing from friends or family, unexplained fears, or changes in eating habits. Unusual sadness or anger may be another sign.
In teenagers, behavior changes may also include avoiding dating or expressing a dislike of the opposite sex. In extreme cases some teenagers may turn to promiscuity, alcohol, or drugs as a result of sexual abuse. Suicidal or self-injurious thoughts may also be present.
What to Do If You Discover Sexual Abuse
If you do discover sexual abuse, be grateful. The only thing worse than finding out that your child is being sexually abused, is not finding out. Once you know the truth you can take appropriate steps to protect and empower your child. Stay calm. Counsel with your bishop. Consult your family doctor and notify the local authorities. Consider counseling. Support your child in every possible way. Always believe him or her, and remember that sexual abuse is never the child’s fault.
One mother said, “Get professional help, even if it only happened once. You might be tempted to let it slide, and just see how things go, but really, once is enough. Don’t wait. Get help.”
The True to the Faith gospel reference manual reminds us that “You are not to blame for the harmful behavior of others. You do not need to feel guilt. If you have been abused by an acquaintance, a stranger, or even a family member, you are not guilty of sexual sin. Know that you are innocent and that your Heavenly Father loves you.
“Pray for the peace that comes only through Jesus Christ and His Atonement (John 14:27; 16:33). The Savior has experienced all your pains and afflictions, even those caused by others, and He knows how to help you (Alma 7:11-12). Rather than seek revenge, focus on matters you can control, such as your own outlook on life. Pray for the strength to forgive those who have hurt you.”[iii]
Forgive? You may wonder how you can forgive someone who did something that seems unforgiveable. You can’t do it alone. Forgiveness may take some time, but it is very healing. In True to the Faith we read “It may be difficult to let go of hurt feelings, but you can do it with the Lord’s help. You will find that forgiveness can heal terrible wounds, replacing the poison of contention and hatred with the peace and love that only God can give.”[iv]
Sexual Abuse is one of the most damaging experiences imaginable. We may not always be able to protect our children from those who would do them harm, but we can empower them to take control of their own bodies, and we can teach them to rely on the Holy Ghost. We can teach them about the atonement of Jesus Christ and testify to them of His healing power and grace.
For more ideas on protecting your children from sexual abuse, you may want to visit www.somesecretshurt.com,where you can download a free Parent’s Guide and ideas on What to Do if you discover abuse. To help build A Healing Place, a monument celebrating healing for abuse victims visit ahealingplacemonument.org.
