Erin says she has made all of the mistakes so you don’t have to.
The longer I live, the more I am convinced man was not meant to be alone. All I want to do is to help so that people will not have to be alone for so long. If my advice today helps just one person not sabotage a future relationship, I will be happy.
This week I enjoyed a little “me” time, sitting alone in a favorite restaurant, people watching, doodling, and unintentionally eavesdropping on the two ladies next to me. They were clearly having man problems. At first they had my sympathy- until one of them really started sharing her feelings. Apparently his mother doesn’t like her very much. And worse, her man won’t get serious with her because of pressure from his family. She felt that her man’s family was overbearing, too religious, “in-bred,” close- minded, and some other choice words.
And then she dropped the bomb – she said his family’s name. MY family’s name!
I nearly spit my food out! Little did this woman know a member of her man’s family was sitting right next to her, listening to every word she said. She was talking about one of my cousins! In our lovely little town of Roanoke, Virginia I have several hundred cousins, and that is no exaggeration. And yes, we are very tight-knit, religious, and involved with each other. (But no, we are not in-bred.)
How could this fully grown adult woman not know better than to talk loudly in a public place about a large, local family? Would she talk such trash if she knew who was listening?
This got me to thinking about dating in the Web 2.0 world. The world of blogs, Twitter, Facebook, online forums, and more. Would people share quite so much information if they had a better knowledge of who is “listening?”
In today’s world, we share everything, and sometimes we share too much. And sometimes we share a lot and we don’t know who is in the audience. So let’s discuss it-
Dating and 2.0 World.
Watch What You Say
Just like the lady in the restaurant, you never know who might be listening. Comments on blogs, blog posts, Facebook statuses, and Twitter updates, can all come back to bite you in the end. And I’m not just talking about saying something negative. I’m also talking about sharing the good parts too. Do total strangers need to know about the good parts of your dating life?
I am a blogger myself. I’ve had a blog for over 7 years now, and I’m sure I’ve made mistakes with sharing too much information at times. But I’ve kept to one steadfast rule- I don’t talk about my dates. And may I suggest that this is a good rule for everyone to follow?
Unless you have explicit permission to share a story about another individual, it is not your right to talk about them. Keep it to yourself, or to your phone call with your sister later. But don’t share it on your blog. Why? Because once it is said online, you can’t take it back.
It is out there and you don’t know who will read it. I was recently shocked to find out my old seminary teacher’s wife regularly reads my blog, as do several of the young women I work with. Knowing what I say is being read by them, really keeps me in check.
Another reason to be careful what you say is that someone else might just be out there doing their research on you. Do you really want this week’s date to read about the horrible experience you had five years ago? Or maybe even worse, do you want your current significant other’s mother to read about your first kiss with your ex of five years ago? These things happen. Think twice before sharing.
Which brings me to Facebook and Twitter!
If you are about to go out on a blind date with a stranger you met online- tell a friend or two privately. Don’t share it on Facebook or Twitter.
If your date was fantastic- tell a friend or two privately. Don’t share it on Facebook.
If you took twenty pictures of yourself in a kissing booth, keep it on your camera. Don’t share it on Facebook or Twitter. (Again, do you want your next date’s mother to see those pictures?)
If you are crazy crushing on someone- tell a friend or two privately. Don’t share it on Facebook or Twitter! You never know who has a crush on you and is getting their hopes dashed every time you talk about someone else.
When you break up- don’t go trashing the other party on Facebook or Twitter. You never know what bad impression you have left on someone else.
Never rely on someone’s Facebook profile for all of the personal information you need to determine if they are date quality, or if they are single. (I flirted with an old high school classmate for three straight weeks before I found out he was married. There was absolutely no indication of it at all in his Facebook profile. He has a baby now, and there is still no indication of it. He just doesn’t put a lot of personal info up! Learn from my mistakes!!)
Never, ever, use a social medium to have a fight. Keep it between you and the other person.
And last but not least, for the love of Pete, would you please, please, please, go to your Facebook privacy settings and lock your profile down. Do not let everything be free to the whole world. This only encourages spammers, predators, and stalkers. Protect yourself!
Online Stalking – the good, the bad, and the not so good or bad.
Maybe I shouldn’t start off by calling it stalking. We have all done it. We have all used our favorite search engine to find out a few more details about a Person of Interest in our social lives. Where does s/he work? Who are his/her friends? What does he say on Facebook about himself? Things like that. A few quick minutes of typing, and suddenly you have all the material you need to kick start a conversation with a virtual stranger. These can be good things!
But then it can go too far. You find out way more information than maybe you are entitled to know about the other party. Or you find yourself right-clicking Facebook photos, and downloading them to your computer. These are not such good things!
How would you feel if someone you barely knew was doing that to you? A little creeped out maybe?
A little online research can be a good thing. Too much online research makes you a stalker. Also, it leads you to thinking you have a relationship with someone you don’t actually know. So put down the mouse, and back away from the computer. If you really want to know, ask the person directly, in-person, where context, body language, and innuendo mean everything. Don’t completely judge a person based on out of context information!
But again, here’s a disclaimer. If your gut is questioning something about the other person, please, do some research online. Check the county prison records (free and easy to find online if you know how to search the right terms), check the sex offenders database, etc.
I even recommend searching the local newspaper.
Again, I have a personal experience to share. I recently received a phone call from a man I did not know. He was divorcing my former employer after just one short year of marriage. During the course of their divorce proceedings he found out about a lawsuit I have against her. She did some very illegal things with the company I worked for, and owes her former employees over $100,000. He had no idea any of this had ever happened and now he’s divorcing her for some of the same illegal activities. If while they were dating he had just once “googled” her name, he would have found news articles on her, lawsuits against her, and many other very negative things. He could have been saved a lot of heartache, and a whole lot of money. I do, fully, 100%, completely and in every way, encourage people to do their research on potential dating partners. Especially if the other person is pushing for a fast relationship, and serious commitments too quickly!
But don’t let a little careful and preventative research turn into online stalking!
Divorces and the Online World
One last aside here. If you are going through a divorce, be very careful what you say online. Recently I have noticed an uptick in blogs, online forums, and on Facebook of people airing their dirty laundry, and the legal proceedings of their divorces. Don’t do this just because it is unbecoming, but also because what you say in a public setting can be used against you in court later.
And again, because down the road do you want your next potential spouse to be able to “google” you and find all of the awful things you said about your ex-spouse and just how hard you worked to make sure they got nothing in the legal proceedings?
If you wouldn’t say it loudly in a restaurant, sitting next to a family member of your significant other, don’t say it online. You never know when and how these things will come back to bite you in the end. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all made a few mistakes. But we can learn from them and move on!
Erin Ann McBride is a writer, dreamer, blogger, and a social media addict. Equal parts Mary Poppins, Carrie Bradshaw, and Mother Theresa, she goes where the wind blows, writes about relationships and dating, and is devoted to serving others. You can get more of her at the Story of a Nice Mormon Girl and on Twitter as @erinannie. She says that if you aren’t friends with Meridian Magazine on Facebook, you are missing out.
