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The plaguing sin of this generation is sexual immorality. This, the Prophet Joseph said, would be the source of more temptations, more buffetings, and more difficulties for the elders of Israel than any other. (See Journal of Discourses, 8:55.)  President Joseph F. Smith said that sexual impurity would be one of the three dangers that would threaten the Church within-and so it does. (See Gospel Doctrine, pp. 312-13.) It permeates our society . If we are to cleanse the inner vessel, we must forsake immorality and be clean. (Ezra Taft Benson, “Cleansing the Inner Vessel,” Ensign, May 1986, 4-5)

In more recent years, President Gordon B. Hinckley stated:

We can reach out to strengthen those who wallow in the mire of pornography, gross immorality, and drugs. Many have become so addicted that they have lost power to control their own destinies. They are miserable and broken. They can be salvaged and saved. (Ensign, Nov. 1991, 59)

I am writing this book as one who has experienced firsthand the plague of addiction to pornography. In fact, I endured thirty-five years of slavery to this vile degradation before I found the right combination of true principles that taught me how to come unto Christ and receive a remission of these sins. In overwhelming gratitude, I feel an intense desire to share with others my story and the principles that helped me.

As I prayed and pondered about what to include in Clean Hands, Pure Heart, I knew I wanted to emphasize the miracle of my recovery rather than the details of the addiction itself. I also knew there were enough books expounding the evils of pornography. Having read many of them myself, I felt acutely aware of the potential of engendering more evil by dwelling on it too explicitly. As Elder Boyd K. Packer has said:

The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel. (Ensign, Nov. 1986, 17)

If you are reading this book as a loved one of a sex addict, let me reassure you that I am keenly aware of your sorrow and your sensitivity toward these things. Like Jacob, I do not wish to “enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded” (Jacob 2:9), yet I fear I may have to run that risk. Addiction hides and thrives in the darkness of denial, rationalization, and minimization. If this book is to be of use to those suffering from this malady, I feel I must speak with plainness. Though I will not discuss in detail the behaviors that constitute sexual addiction, I will mention pornography and masturbation as I discuss the recovery process.

I recognize that I am taking a step into relatively uncharted territory within the Latter-day Saint community by revealing my own identity as one who has struggled with these demoralizing and degrading practices. Naturally, I wonder how my story will be received, but I feel reassured that my offering of total honesty will have a positive effect on many of my brothers and sisters who are seeking a way out of this trap. It is time that we all realize that it is Satan who revels in keeping sin a secret and isolating the sinner in shame. It is time that we share the glorious good news of Christ’s power to deliver us from addiction-even sexual addiction. I also trust that the Saints will be charitable toward my family members-parents, siblings, spouse, and children-and recognize, as I now do, that they do not deserve any blame or shame for my choices.

Ultimately, I am willing to disclose my own life story because I have felt the Savior invite me to do so. Like Paul and Alma the Younger, who also spent a portion of their lives in serious darkness and were delivered from it by Christ Himself, I am willing to allow my life to be an example of someone the Lord has rescued from “the darkest abyss.” Alma’s words ring out from the depths of my own heart:

My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more. (Mosiah 27:29)

If there are any who may think poorly of me for the mistakes I have made or for being so open in writing about them, I bear no ill will toward them. I will bear their disapproval for his name’s sake. He has truly changed my life. I owe him everything. I am reborn and have no more disposition to indulge in sexual misbehavior. In other words, I need to thank the Lord publicly, in my own name, for in his own name he has redeemed my soul from hell. Together with Nephi, I declare:

I glory in plainness; I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul from hell. (2 Nephi 33:6)

I share this witness with you in humble gratitude for the incomparable grace and love that has been extended to me by my Savior and Friend, in His holy name, even the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

– Philip A. Harrison

Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord?
or who shall stand in his holy place?
He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart.

Psalms 24:3-4

Hi. My name’s Phil-and I’m in recovery from sexual addiction.

Since you are reading this book, I assume you are concerned about sexual addiction, either for your own sake or for the sake of someone you love. Perhaps you are concerned because you have a priesthood stewardship over someone struggling with a sexual addiction. Maybe this is the first book you have read on this subject, or maybe you’ve read several. Maybe you’re beginning to feel desperate for a solution, rather than yet another rehearsal of the severity of the problem.

Pornography addiction and the practices which generally accompany it are difficult subjects to think about, much less write about. It causes embarrassment to those who haven’t experienced it and shame to those who have. This is especially true in a society as dedicated to high moral and ethical standards and values as the Latter-day Saint community.

A Latter-day Saint who indulges in pornography knows, by the light of Christ and by the loss of the Holy Ghost, that he is doing wrong. Already in a state of inner spiritual hell, he can’t face the thought of sharing his terrible secret with anyone else. If he mentions it at all, he minimizes it to priesthood leaders, who are as perplexed as he is about his total lack of self-control and his chronic return to the habit, requiring yet another confession. Eventually, he may give up telling anyone. Unfortunately, this slide into withdrawal and isolation cuts him off from any possible help. So it was with me for many years.

Today, I am able to rejoice in abstinence from any deliberate exposure to pornography since November of 1999. Believe me, after over thirty-five years of slavery, trying and failing over and over again to free myself from this horrible bondage, I know my abstinence is absolutely nothing short of a miracle. I am thrilled as I watch the progressive restoration of a state of innocence that I thought I had lost forever. I can gratefully testify that the healing influence of the Savior’s forgiveness and of His marvelous Atonement has brought me to a place of rejoicing in his power, finally free from my sexual addiction. With Alma, I can truly say today that I am “harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more” (Alma 36:19) and that:

There could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you,. that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as [is] my joy. (Alma 36:21)

I would like to share my testimony with each of you, heart to heart and soul to soul, that there definitely is a solution, and a blessed end to this problem. There is every reason to have hope for recovery from sexual addiction. I know, because I have lived it. In these pages I am going to offer you, step by step and concept by concept, the pathway that saved my life.

Puberty, Loneliness and Insecurity

My sexual addiction began as I experienced the powerful feelings accompanying puberty and continued, as I said before, for over three decades, interrupted occasionally by short periods of repentance. I was a typical teenager, plagued with the normal onslaught of insecurities and anxieties that most teens experience. At the time, though, I thought my plight was much worse than anyone else’s. Prone to such self-pity, as well as self-doubt, I discovered masturbation. Although it drained me of all self-respect, it provided at least a temporary distraction from my fears and loneliness. Pornography was far less available at that time-in the 1960s-at least where I lived. Thus, although it was a smaller problem for me then, the seeds were planted for greater challenges later on.

As contradictory as it may sound, even while I was developing this addiction, I never doubted the truthfulness of the gospel, and I had a deep desire to serve a mission. As the time to submit my papers and receive my call approached, I made an increased effort to repent of what I thought of as a bad habit. Surely the time had come to put away childish things and I had no doubt I would be able to do so.

Just a few months before my mission call came, another reason to clean up my life became apparent. I met Kathy, the most wonderful young woman I had ever known. For a couple of months we were just good friends, but friendship eventually led to dating. Within weeks we both felt the Lord witness to us that we had each found our eternal companion. A desire to be worthy to take this precious girl to the temple as soon as I returned home from my mission sealed my resolve to forsake my unrighteous behaviors.

The second half of this chapter will be posted next week.

Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison, and its companion LDS 12 Step book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison, are available at most LDS bookstores and can be ordered online at www.rosehavenpublishing.com.