Clean Hands, Pure Heart
Overcoming Addiction to Pornography through the Redeeming Power of Jesus Christ
Chapter 8: Step Four – Part 1
By Philip A. Harrison
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. (A.A. and Heart t’ Heart traditional versions)
Made a searching and fearless written inventory of our past in order to thoroughly examine ourselves as to our pride and other weaknesses with the intent of recognizing our own carnal state and our need for Christ’s Atonement. (Alma 15:17; Mosiah 4:2; Jacob 4:6-7; Ether 12:27)(Heart t’ Heart scriptural version)
Do you have a “junk” drawer? Most people do. Some people even have a “junk room” or two. Drawer or room, basement, garage, briefcase or purse – we all have someplace where we’ve stuffed things and forgotten them. At my house, my study is one of those places. I allow half-finished projects to pile up along with unfiled papers, books, and other “important” things. And since it looks more like a storeroom than a study, I couldn’t very well object when my daughter asked if she could stash some stuff from the upstairs bedroom in my study when she moved home for the summer.
Well, my daughter moved away again months and months ago, but the displaced boxes and even more unfiled paperwork have remained undisturbed in my study – until last night. Maybe it was because I’ve been studying and praying about the Fourth Step process of inventorying that I finally felt willing to tackle the build-up. I’m not nearly finished clearing out my study yet, but you know what? Already, I feel fabulous. It looks like a whole new world in here. I can see the carpet along one whole end of the room, and I’m throwing away ten-year-old catalogs and Christmas cards! What a great principle the Fourth Step represents – a chance to reclaim our lives by sorting through our “stuff.”
Facing the Truth about My Past Behaviors and Attitudes
I have sinned. And who hasn’t? I admit it’s much easier to talk about someone else’s tragic choices than my own. Thinking about my own mistakes, my own sins, makes me pretty uncomfortable. Even so, I find it wonderfully encouraging to hear reassurances like Elder Boyd K. Packer’s amazing apostolic promise:
The gospel teaches us that relief from torment and guilt can be earned through repentance. Save for those few who defect to perdition after having known a fulness, there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness. (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 19, emphasis added)
I was terrified to face Step Four. I’d messed up in a lot of ways for a lot of years. The things causing me the most pain had to do with sexual addiction, of course. First of all, there were all the times I had given in and indulged in viewing pornography and masturbating. And, even more numerous were the times I had indulged in lust, letting my mind wander into unacceptable and sinful paths. How could I face all that?
Still, I felt the witness of the truth to my heart and mind: In order to be cured of a disease, you must be willing to acknowledge that you have the disease, and then you must begin to pay strict attention to its symptoms. To become free from the behaviors of sexual addiction, I must first acknowledge I have engaged in them. I am only as sick as my secrets. My wounds must be opened to the air to be healed. It actually helped to review scriptures that testified that sooner or later, all men’s secrets will be known:
For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. (Luke 12:2-3)
For verily the voice of the Lord is unto all men, and there is none to escape; and there is no eye that shall not see, neither ear that shall not hear, neither heart that shall not be penetrated. And the rebellious shall be pierced with much sorrow; for their iniquities shall be spoken upon the housetops, and their secret acts shall be revealed. (D&C 1:2-3)
Having come this far – having taken Steps One, Two, and Three – I was finally ready to get on with my Fourth Step inventory. I didn’t want to wait for someone else to reveal my sins against my will. I wanted to get rid of my sins and secrets now and let the healing begin. I wasn’t sure if I could do it thoroughly enough, but I became willing to make a first stab at it. I wanted to get out all the garbage and allow the Savior to save me from it. I didn’t want to keep anything back.
Letting Go of Excuses-Coming Out of Denial
Still it was hard. I was so used to making excuses for myself. I was so bound up in the deceit of denial. I knew I would have to admit how deeply my life had become entrenched in the violation of the laws of chastity. As I began to face my past, I found trends and patterns in my thoughts, as well as the resulting deeds. For example, I noticed I repeatedly turned to pornography and/or masturbation for comfort or to escape from the emotional distress of a disagreement with my wife or a bad day at work. I found how quickly I used my circumstances to excuse or rationalize acting out.
Several years ago Elder Robert L. Simpson made some very insightful comments about excuses and rationalization:
Satan is the master of deceit. He perverts man’s God-given attributes from their noble and divine purpose onto a downward track. All seem to agree that one of man’s most demanding and ever-present drives is centered in his desire for companionship and sexual fulfillment. To have this highly sensitive and divine human mechanism falsely aroused by unnatural processes creates a serious conflict in that vital control center, the mind. Rationalization quickly rallies to the side of the victim of off-color literature, because rationalization helps him to live with his conscience. He tells himself that his drives are God-given and, therefore, not that bad. He also tells himself, “Nearly everybody does it. I am not so different,” and while he may not be so very different, he is just exactly 100 percent wrong in the eyes of God. (Ensign, Jan. 1973, 113)
One of the things I regained as I became more honest about my underlying thoughts and motives was ownership of my own actions. It is a lie to say, “She tempted me, and that’s why I fell.” I had to face the truth that the lying spirit I gave in to when I entertained such thoughts was the same spirit that convinced sexual perpetrators to blame their victims instead of themselves. I began to see the insane dishonesty of that kind of thinking. It irrationally cast me in the role of the victim. If I said to myself, “That girl made me lust after her by the way she dressed,” I was making her responsible for what was, in truth, my own decision to lust. I was denying that I had my own agency and that I chose to look. Honestly examining my choices and becoming willing to own them has turned out to be one of the most liberating (saving) acts I have ever taken.
Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point because of your sins, by denying the justice of God; but do let the justice of God, and his mercy, and his long-suffering have full sway in your heart; and let it bring you down to the dust in humility. (Alma 42:30)
None but the truly penitent are saved. (Alma 42:24)
I have found it is just as Alma taught: when I allowed my guilt to bring me out of the darkness of denial and into the light of truth, I was troubled by them “no more.”
I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance. (Alma 42:29, emphasis added)
Pride Keeps Us from Getting Honest
I have concluded that without pride there wouldn’t be any addicts! Pride is perhaps the most subtle and yet pervasive of our faults. Pride is the addict’s Achilles’ heel. As we inventory our lives, we begin to see how pride has played a major role. President Ezra Taft Benson gave a marvelous, landmark talk, entitled “Cleansing the Inner Vessel,” on the things we need to eliminate from our lives, focusing especially on pride as the root of all other sins. I recommend that every reader find this talk and read it in its entirety. I will quote only a few passages here:
In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride. It is always considered as a sin. We are not speaking of a wholesome view of self-worth, which is best established by a close relationship with God. But we are speaking of pride as the universal sin, as someone has described it.
Essentially, pride is a “my will” rather than “thy will” approach to life. The opposite of pride is humbleness, meekness, submissiveness (see Alma 13:28), or teachableness .
Pride does not look up to God and care about what is right. It looks sideways to man and argues who is right. Pride is manifest in the spirit of contention .Pride is characterized by “What do I want out of life?” rather than by “What would God have me do with my life?” It is self-will as opposed to God’s will. It is the fear of man over the fear of God. (Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, May 1986, 6-7, emphasis added)
I began to learn a great deal about myself when I was willing to finally face questions such as: “In what ways does pride govern my life? How have I put myself, my wishes, desires, and opinions first?” I had to admit I had been uncharitable and self-pampering (selfish) and that sexual addiction was one of the most devastating ways I had let that selfishness run rampant. Though the Fourth Step would take some serious work, it was essential that I complete it if I wanted to let go of hypocrisy and find recovery.
We Must be Willing to Humble Ourselves to Obtain Grace
Writing an inventory requires courage and honesty. I testify that the Lord will give each of us the necessary courage and power to take this step if we will turn to Him and ask Him to go through this process with us, thought for thought. In addition to courage and honesty, we also need a good deal of humility to make this inventory.
I used to think humility was a very elusive and mysterious virtue. I remember people saying, “Humility is the hardest of all virtues to obtain, because as soon as you claim to have it, you have lost it.” That called to my mind a picture of myself asking, “Am I humble yet?” And, of course, the answer was always “No,” because if it was ever “Yes,” then I had become proud and had to go back to the beginning and start over.
There is something wrong with that picture. I don’t think humility simply settles upon us like the dews from heaven, or is something you sneak up on, like a cat stalking a bird. Consider what the scriptures say about “humbling ourselves”:
I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily. (Mosiah 4:11)
In light of this gospel truth, I began to see the fallacy in asking, “Am I humble yet?” Rather, I should be continually asking, “Have I sufficiently humbled myself?” The difference in those two questions speaks volumes. Humility is not something that just happens to us, or a destination at which we can arrive. Humility is a choice. It is not something we have, it is something we do. It is the decision we make to place ourselves under God and acknowledge our utter dependence upon Him.
If pride is a universal trait shared by all addicts, then humbling ourselves and letting go of our defensiveness is a key to placing ourselves in a position where the Lord can lift us out of our addiction:
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you . Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. (James 4:7, 8, 10, emphasis added)
Be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. (1 Peter 5:5-7, emphasis added)
The people were checked as to the pride of their hearts, and began to humble themselves before God, . watching and praying continually, that they might be delivered from Satan, and from death, and from destruction. (Alma 15:17, emphasis added)
According to the Book of Mormon, then, being humble and “watching and praying continually” (staying in close, personal contact with God, all through the day, every day) are the keys to being “delivered from [the temptations of] Satan, and from [spiritual] death, and from destruction.”
And they had viewed themselves in their own carnal state, even less than the dust of the earth. And they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men. (Mosiah 4:2)
Like me, a lot of people initially back away from thinking of themselves as “less than the dust of the earth” or “nothing.” Again, a humble, open-hearted, in-depth consideration of the scriptures brings one to understand that these phrases do not deny our infinite worth in the eyes of God. They simply describe the degree of humility we must exercise in order to recognize and admit that only by allowing His grace (power) to take over in our lives, can we overcome the world. Humility is essential to our eternal growth, because it helps us let go of defensiveness toward God and toward the truth about our past. Humility is essential to recovery because it connects us with the Savior’s power of redemption.
The Fourth Step is Another Step Towards Christ
Taking Step Four brings us closer to Christ as we draw upon His role in our lives as “the Spirit of Truth” (John 14:16-17; D&C 93:8-11). Not only do we begin to understand general principles of truth, but even more important to our own salvation, we begin to experience personal insight and revelation. Truth attracts truth. Honesty attracts the Spirit of the Lord. Let’s take a closer look at the principles of truth, insight, and honesty and at how they help us become closer to the Savior.
Truth. In looking at the character traits that contributed to my addiction, I had to admit I had become extremely adept at shading or completely avoiding the truth. Whether this was a contributing cause or a result of addiction, I’m not sure. I either minimized my behavior, claiming, “It wasn’t that bad,” or I blamed and shamed myself into the ground. Since Christ is the Spirit of Truth, connecting with Him helped me regain the ability to see the truth of my life more clearly – to see my actions as neither more nor less serious than they were.
Insight. Insight is understanding the truth as it applies to myself. Since I had gone to great lengths to hide the truth about my behaviors from my consciousness, I needed the Lord to help me see what I was doing and what I had done in the past. Recovery includes letting the Lord show us what we have previously hidden from ourselves:
Nevertheless, the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace, and his great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things. (Jacob 4:7, emphasis added)And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27, emphasis added)
In Step Two we talked about the need to trust the Savior, realizing He will only do that which will ultimately bring us peace and joy. Now, more than ever, we need to rely on that promise and let Him lead us through this inventory process.
Honesty. Closely related to insight is honesty about my addiction – particularly about my motives. Before I could see inside myself (insight) and examine not only my behaviors, but my skewed reasons and motives that supplied me with my excuses and rationalizations, I had to have the willingness to be honest. I have been much like Amulek, who said of his own past:
Nevertheless, I did harden my heart, for I was called many times and I would not hear; therefore I knew concerning these things, yet I would not know; therefore I went on rebelling against God, in the wickedness of my heart. (Alma 10:6, emphasis added)
For years, living with addiction felt like being trapped in a black hole. It seemed that I automatically gave in to temptation before I even knew what was happening. When I allowed the Lord to teach me more about addiction, I saw that before each episode of acting out, I made a number of choices that paved the way for the actual event. Perhaps I chose to feel sorry for myself, or to harbor a resentment, or to flirt with the “edges” of temptation – with things that weren’t that bad. Each of those choices further clouded my thinking until acting out seemed inevitable. When I got honest about my motives, I had to admit I only acted out when I wanted to, and whenever I was able to stay clean, it was because I wanted to be close to the Lord more than I wanted to sin.
The second half of this chapter will be posted next week.
Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison, and its companion LDS 12 Step book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison, are available at most LDS bookstores and can be ordered online at www.ldscloseouts.com or www.rosehavenpublishing.com
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