Books

Editor’s note: The Anatomy of Peace, an important new book by the writers of Leadership and Self-Deception, shows us the cause of human conflict so that we can learn to live in peace. This is the concluding chapter of the book.

“As we mentioned earlier,” Yusuf began, “Mount Moriah is the hill in Jerusalem that is graced by the Muslim shrine known as the Dome of the Rock. This real estate is no doubt the most religiously revered in the world.

“It is valued by Muslims as one of their holiest sites, remembered by Jews and Christians alike as the site of the Holy Temple in ancient times, and looked to by some as the site at which another temple will one day be built. The eyes and hearts of the world are focused on Mount Moriah.

“Because of this, that revered piece of land is an outward symbol both of our conflicts and our possibilities. One side may say it is their holy place, set apart for millennia. Others may believe it was bequeathed them by God. There seems to be little opportunity for peace in such views.

“Looked at in another way, however, this passionate belief provides the portal to peace, for only one who cherishes and reveres something can understand what it means to others who regard it the same way.

“From within the box, passions, beliefs, and personal needs seem to divide us. When we get out of the box, however, we learn that this too has been a lie. Our passions, beliefs, and needs do not divide but unite: it is by virtue of our own passions, beliefs, and needs that we can see and understand others’.

“If we have beliefs we cherish, then we know how important others’ beliefs must be to them. And if we have needs, then our own experience equips us to notice the needs of others.

“To scale Mount Moriah is to ascend a mountain of hope. At least it is if one climbs in a way that lifts his soul to an out-of-the-box summit – a place from where he sees not only buildings and homes but people as well.

“And so, a land stands divided. And within that land, a meaning-filled hill stands as a symbol both of the divide and of the hope for overcoming it.

“Our homes and workplaces are divided as well. Within each rise our own Mount Moriahs – outward issues that come to symbolize all of the inner turmoil we are feeling. In one home it might be the dishes, in another the finances, and in yet another the disciplining of the children.

“At work, we may come to focus on the title or the status or the level of respect we think we deserve. We begin to do battle around these issues, and the more we battle, the larger they loom on the landscape until finally our home and workplace quakes build mountains so high they create their own weather systems. If you don’t believe me, just witness what happens to the climate in a room when parties start doing battle around one of their Mount Moriahs.

“The issue, of course, is not the mountain, whether that mountain is the dishes or the lawn or the title; or whether, for that matter, the mountain is Mount Moriah itself. No, the issue lies beneath the mountain in the realities in our hearts that make these mountains our battlegrounds.

“Lasting solutions to our outward conflicts are possible only to the extent that we find real solutions to our inner ones. An uneasy dtente may be possible in Israel by focusing only on the surface of things – on economics, for example, or on security. But lasting peace will not be. The same can be said for our homes and workplaces.”

“But dtente is preferable to bloodshed,” Gwyn said.

“It certainly is,” Yusuf agreed. “But let’s not fool ourselves. Cool dtente, while preferable today, is still a war waiting for tomorrow. Lasting solutions to the battles in our workplaces, homes, and battlefields will come only as we end the war in our souls. We end that war first by finding and extending our out-of-the-box places.

“And we help others out of their inner wars by being for them an out-of-the-box place ourselves – the way Ben was for me, the way Hamish was for Avi, the way Mei Li and Mike were for Jenny, and the way all of you have become for one another. We have begun living the pyramid together, which is why our feelings today are so much more peaceful than they were yesterday morning.”

The group looked around at each other.

“My friends,” Yusuf said, “Avi and I and the team here promise that we will strive to be that kind of place for your children. We will take off our shoes toward them, hoping to create a space that invites them to ponder their lives anew and make changes they would do well to make. We invite you to do the same, whatever that might mean for you.”

Lou looked to the day, sixty days in the future, when he would once again see his boy – shoeless, he hoped, if he could maintain what he had learned until then. In the meantime, he had some letters to write.

“But what if my boy still does drugs?” Miguel asked. “What if this program doesn’t fix him?”

“Then he will be lucky to have a father like you, Miguel, who will strive to love him all the same.”

“But I don’t want him on drugs!”

“No. Of course you don’t. Which is why you won’t stop trying to help him, no matter how long it takes. Even if he doesn’t like it.

“Don’t misunderstand,” Yusuf added. “Despite our best efforts, we may find that some battles are unavoidable. Some around us will inevitably choose war. May we in those cases remember Saladin and remember that while certain outward battles may need to be fought, they can nevertheless be fought with hearts that are at peace.

“And,” he said as he looked appreciatively around the room, “may we remember the deeper lesson as well: that your, and my, and the world’s hoped-for outward peace depends most fully not on the peace we seek or the wars we wage without but on the peace we establish within.

“Which should bring you hope,” he added. “It means that however bleak things look on the outside, the peace that starts it all, the peace within, is merely a choice away. A choice that changes everything. You already know this, as you are already beginning to feel differently about your children.

“If we can find our way to peace toward children who have stolen from us, spouses who have mistreated us, and even drunks who have taken our fathers from us,” he said, glancing at Gwyn, “what mountains are too high for human hearts to scale?

“Your spouse, your children, your colleagues, your enemies – may you choose to see them all as people, and may you therefore discover solutions you’ve never known and summits you can enjoy together.”

Copyright 2006 by The Arbinger Institute
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at this address:  www.bkconnection.com .

About The Arbinger Institute

Arbinger is a worldwide institute that helps organizations, families, individuals, and communities to solve the problems that have been created by the little-known but pervasive problem of self-deception (the problem of not knowing, and resisting the possibility, that one has a problem).

Most conflicts, for example, are perpetuated by the problem of self-deception, as are most failures in communication and most breakdowns in trust and accountability. Unless one can solve the problem of not knowing one has a problem, these other problems necessarily remain.

Try telling someone he has a problem, however, and the depth of the problem of self-deception becomes clear. How can you help someone to see something he is unwilling to see? This is the central challenge created by the problem of self-deception and the challenge that Arbinger’s work is designed to overcome. Arbinger’s materials educate people about the problem of self-deception, and Arbinger’s methodologies help people to overcome it.

In the words of one early reviewer of The Anatomy of Peace , “Arbinger helps people to see in a different way – to see problems differently, conflicts differently, challenges differently, opportunities differently, each other differently.” Another reader, who didn’t think that was strong enough, said, “Arbinger helps people to know their neighbors without fear.” To which another added, “I know of no tool or way of thinking that contributes so masterfully to real, lasting peace – in families, organizations, communities, and nations.” 

Arbinger’s ideas resulted from a decades-long exploration by an international team of scholars into the problem of self-deception. The new understanding that emerged gradually began to seep into the public consciousness. By the early 1990s, Arbinger was formed to introduce these discoveries to individuals and organizations around the world.

Arbinger’s first book, Leadership and Self-Deception , published in the year 2000, quickly became an international bestseller. Launched with no fanfare when Arbinger (and its work) was little known, the book generated tremendous word-of-mouth momentum. Sales of the book continue to grow at an increasing rate even today. The book is currently available in nearly twenty languages.

Since Leadership and Self-Deception was published, many readers have clamored for a book that explores Arbinger’s work more deeply and that applies that work more explicitly to issues outside the workplace as well as within. The Anatomy of Peace was written for this purpose and out of the desire to help resolve conflicts both large and small that burden families, workplaces, and communities.

Arbinger is comprised of people who have been trained in business, law, economics, philosophy, the family, education, coaching, and psychology. They come from diverse cultural backgrounds and from all religious and non-religious traditions and belief systems. What they share is a deep understanding and passion for the ideas underlying Arbinger’s work – a compelling model of human understanding that offers people a common language with which to talk about and settle their differences, whatever their cultures, races, classes, religions, and beliefs.

The members of Arbinger are mobilized in four directions – to help (1) organizations, (2) communities, (3) individuals and families, and (4) those in the helping professions. In support of these groups, Arbinger offers public courses, consulting and coaching services, and tailored organizational interventions (including train-the-trainer options). Arbinger’s clients range from individuals who are seeking help in their lives to many of the largest companies and governmental institutions in the world.

Headquartered in the United States, Arbinger now has operations in many countries, including the United Kingdom, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Israel, India, Singapore, Australia, Taiwan, Korea, Japan, Mexico, Canada, and Bermuda. Arbinger is led internationally by Jim Ferrell, Duane Boyce, Paul Smith, and Terry Warner. Local managing directors guide Arbinger’s work in territories around the world.