The Church

How to handle bullies at church? This is a dilemma that many of us with children face, or have faced in the past.

Our family was no exception. “Harry” (not his real name) was the bishop’s son, and from the moment we moved to our new home in the ward, Harry decided to make it his personal objective to exclude our three young teenagers from any involvement with the youth. He particularly targeted our son “Fred.” His manner was rude, mocking, and verbally abusive.

We had numerous family councils, discussing and evaluating the options our children had. We focused on responding instead of reacting. But Harry’s behavior escalated. One Sunday afternoon he shoved Fred against the wall in the hallway, pulling on his white shirt pocket and ripping Fred’s new shirt.

Fred decided to ignore Harry’s abuse. He chose not to get involved in any kind of physical retribution. He was not intimidated; he was larger and in better condition than Harry. He was also trained in karate, so had he chosen to retaliate physically he could have done so. But he came home from church with his torn shirt; we repaired it and he went back the next week.

We discussed turning the other cheek; we read together about forgiving “seventy times seven.” My husband and I debated going and speaking with the bishop directly regarding his son’s egregious behavior. But something kept us from making this a bigger issue than it was. We certainly did not want to polarize the ward as new members of the congregation. And it was clear our bishop had his hands full.

For me as a mother, the most difficult time came when Harry had a birthday party, to which every youth in the ward was invited except for our three. Our kids came home from church, really discouraged for the first time since we had moved there. They did not seem to be making any headway, despite efforts to respond kindly, ignore, or excuse the unacceptable behavior.

It was the last straw. We met again as a family in council, and prayerfully talked about different ways Fred could handle this new challenge. At the end, my husband and I expressed confidence in Fred’s ability to come up with a solution. We encouraged Fred to pray about it and tell us what he decided. Fred disappeared into his room.

About an hour later, he emerged with a smile on his face and a $10 bill in his hand. He went to his sisters’ room and said, ” I care about solving this $10′ worth. How much would you like to contribute?” They each donated $5, and he asked me if I had a card he could put the money in.

On Sunday, Fred walked up to Harry and said; “I heard it was your birthday last week. Happy Birthday!” and handed the card containing $20 to him. That was the last time that Harry ever excluded or bullied our children. Nothing further was said, and nothing needed to be. Divine inspiration had given our son the right solution for this situation.

We learned quite a lot from this experience. Some of the takeaways included:

• Each of us can go to the Lord in prayer and consultation for answers, especially when our own do not get desired results
• Each of us–even a bully–is a child of God, and so our dealings with one another should be guided by principles of love and forgiveness.
• As parents, we can empower our children to make wise decisions for themselves.
• We can ratify children’s decisions in our role as parents, as we “counsel together in righteousness.”
• As a family, we can unite and be strong together.

Fred’s strengthened confidence was perhaps the most powerful result of this experience. He knew that his family supported him and was invested in the optimal resolution of a seemingly impossible problem. He also knew that we had given considerable thought and prayer to options we had discussed together. But when it came time to make the decision, he knew that we trusted him to be able to go to the Lord for answers, and get them.

Many years have passed since that challenging experience. We no longer live in that ward. Since that time, Fred has served in multiple leadership positions despite his young age, and his decisions are wise and compassionate as a leader. Harry finally decided to serve a mission, so he has turned his life in a favorable direction.  

What did we learn as parents? Our determination to empower our children, to trust in their abilities, was reinforced. We also know that Fred will be well equipped to provide sustaining support to his children as they grow. He and his brothers and sisters are familiar with how to conduct a family council where everyone is safe, and where the Lord’s will is sought in answer to the challenges facing families.

Counseling Together

Our experience shaped some principles that govern how we conduct family council.

• Let your children own and solve their own problems.
• Empower your children by expressing confidence in their ability.
• Prepare your children by discussing options together in council.
• Make sure your child knows that he or she is safe when confiding a problem in you.  
  

Cristie Gardner is mother of eight amazing children– six sons and two daughters. She is passionate about communication within ourselves and with each other, and will explore family and personal dynamics in future articles.