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Chapter 14: Step Ten – Part 2
Step 10:
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. (A.A. and Heart t’ Heart traditional versions)
Realizing that the weakness to be tempted and to sin is a part of the mortal experience, we continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it, being willing to repent as often as needed.(2 Nephi 4:18; 2 Nephi 10:20; Mosiah 26:30) (Heart t’ Heart scriptural version)
As I look for a metaphor to represent the power in living Step Ten, I am reminded again of my life-long interest in oil painting. When I was in college, I took an oil painting class from an artist whose work I had long admired. As we students wrestled with the process of creating our own pictures, someone asked the teacher, “How do you know when you’re finished with a painting?” He smiled and replied that every so often, as he worked on a piece at home, he would take it off his easel and set it on the mantle above the fireplace in his living room. Then he would sit down on the couch and look at it long and hard. (He said his wife could never understand why he couldn’t push a vacuum cleaner around while he was studying the painting!) But as he studied it, some part of the painting would stand out because it “didn’t look quite right.” Then he would take the painting back to his studio and work on the part that bothered him the most. He said he would usually repeat this process several times-each time fixing smaller and smaller problems. When he got to the point where nothing about the painting bothered him, he decided it was finished. Like this accomplished artist, I, too, in the spirit of Step Ten, must be willing to see my life as “a work in progress.” As long as I am mortal, I will need to look for areas to improve at a deeper and finer level of repentance. Living Step Ten results in our being enabled to recognize and attend to smaller sins, as the bigger ones are put behind us.
Letting Go of Lust
Lust is a habit, a frame of mind. It says, “I want something that doesn’t belong to me.” The Savior warned about lust when he said:
Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. (Matthew 5:28)
In typical fashion, the adversary convinced me to apply this scripture to myself in the most negative way possible. Under the influence of his lying spirit, I believed that even though I had never committed adultery, by looking upon women and lusting after them I was just as far gone as if I had committed adultery. In hindsight, I can see that this train of thought was an enticement to lead me on into a degree of sin I had not yet committed. If you have also felt this way, I plead with you to recognize Satan’s attempt to lead you carefully down to hell (2 Nephi 28:21). As I have prayed and pondered about the Savior’s statement, I have come to believe that what He was really saying to us is that our actions always begin with our thoughts and desires. If we don’t want to end up at the end of the road, we’d better not even start on it. I found this was a true principle, even when applied to acting out with pornography instead of another living person. In other words, if I wanted to avoid being lured into viewing pornography, I had better pay attention to every lustful thought as soon as it appeared and surrender it to the Lord.
The fact that lust is usually the last stronghold of sexual addiction to be conquered as we recover, is illustrated by SA’s statement that “True sobriety includes progressive victory over lust.” (Sexaholics Anonymous, 4). As my acting out with pornography lessened and eventually stopped, I was still plagued with the persistent habit of lust. Lustful thought patterns had become like deep ruts in a dirt road. The wheels of my mind seemed to automatically slide into them, even when I tried to stay on the “straight and narrow.” In the refining process required in Step Ten, I had to eventually recognize that I could not allow even one lustful thought to cross my mind without immediately taking it to the Lord. If we are to truly become clean, we must eliminate this habit, too.
We need to also be careful that we do not interpret the word “progressive” in SA’s statement as an excuse to allow our recovery to be so “gradual” we never get there. Another trap we need to avoid is the excuse of thinking, “Since God has given me this weakness, He can hardly blame me for having it.” As the apostle James wrote:
Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. (James 1:13-15)
While it is true that God does not tempt us, it is equally true that He allows Lucifer, our common enemy, to tempt and try us. Even so, though Satan may whisper lying thoughts into our minds such as, “Just once more won’t hurt,” or “No one will ever know,” he has no power to force us to obey his enticements. As James puts it, “[we are] drawn away of [our] own lust.” James’ statement is echoed in the words of the Prophet Joseph Smith: “The devil has no power over us only as we permit him” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 181).
In other words, we must face the truth that if we act on Satan’s temptations, if we succumb to his attacks on our weaknesses, we are actually exercising our own self-will. And this is not only true of sexual desires. “Lust” is an appropriate word to describe that nervous feeling of longing every addict of any kind feels when he is “hungering” to act out in his addiction.
This giving in to one’s own desire-one’s own lusts-is at the core of all addiction, even from the beginning stages.
One of the things I’ve come to recognize in taking a daily Tenth Step is how many other forms of lust I deal with that have nothing to do with sex! Today I realize I am practicing lust any time I want something-no matter what that “something” is-that God has not allotted to me in righteousness. For instance, when I long for and consume more food than I need and feel jittery or even surly if I can’t have it-I am practicing lust. When I keep thinking of more and more things to buy, just for the thrill of buying or owning them-I am practicing lust. And in every case, succumbing to lust in any area breaks down my defenses against sexual lust. Thus, in taking Step Ten, I must counsel with the Lord in “all [my] doings”-in all areas of my life-so that He can direct me “for good” (Alma 37:37), or in other words, so that I will be able to conduct myself without lust. I must continue daily to surrender my desires to the Lord. Only then, can I become free from the many forms lust can take.
The glorious part of all of this is that Jesus is more powerful than Satan and my lust combined. When I take my lustful feelings to Him, and humbly and honestly admit they are plaguing and tempting me yet again, I find He responds to my plea and takes away my desire for sin and I become like the people of King Benjamin (Mosiah 5:2). I have a miraculously and mysteriously changed heart and no more desire for the sin that only minutes before was about to pull me over the edge of sanity. May I say it one more time, in plain testimony to all who have ears to hear: I am not abstinent today because I have a wonderful amount of willpower. I am abstinent because Jesus has taken away my desire for sin. It is my testimony that all who will surrender their lives to the Lord can have this same blessing. It is my testimony that there is nothing else in all this world that can, or will, complete us and make us whole except “conscious contact” with the Lord and His love for each of us, individually. Listen to the invitation of the Lord through His prophet:
Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price. Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted. (2 Nephi 9:50-51)
What then is lust? Couldn’t we say that it is looking for God in all the wrong places, or looking in all the wrong places for what only God can give us? Looking for happiness or satisfaction in sex, overspending, overeating, excessive recreation or any other behavior that temporarily distracts us from the quest to place God and Christ first in our lives is practicing lust. Seen this way, we come to realize that lust is really just another name for idolatry.
Are Sensual Dreams Evidence of Lust?
One phenomenon that often plagues those who have indulged in sexual addiction is that of having sensual or erotic dreams, even after they have dedicated themselves to a life of abstinence. I have also had this experience, and have been distressed by it. How could I consider myself free of lust, if it kept resurfacing in my dreams? At first I wondered, “Are these dreams my fault? How can I possibly be responsible for something that happens in my sleep?” And what does a person do to get such a dream out of his mind? I found that the same process I had learned in surrendering my temptations and thoughts to the Lord, in the very moment of having them, also worked for dealing with my dreams. I could ask the Lord to take the memory of the dream from my mind, and He would. In some cases, when a dream continued to bother me, I found it helpful to talk to someone about it. Here again is an example of how important it is to bring temptations out in the open and not keep them secret. The truth remains that anything negative that we keep secret gains power over us. When I admit to someone else that I’ve had a disturbing dream-to my sponsor or to a counselor or to my spouse (if she has learned to practice the principles of recovery herself)-the dream loses its power to bother me. Here again, I’ve found it’s best not to go into explicit details. Details are not necessary to receive the healing effect of the disclosure, and furthermore, it’s not wise to burden anyone else with troubling details.
Becoming honest about such dreams after they happened required a lot of humility. Still, I wanted to do all I could to decrease and hopefully eliminate such dreams in the future. Once again, the literature of SA offered a suggestion I have found extremely helpful. Considering that our dreams are often the result of feelings or thoughts we have ignored or suppressed in our waking hours, a thorough Tenth Step before bedtime is imperative. Each evening, during my prayers before I go to sleep, I have learned to review the day’s thoughts and feelings very carefully. If I find there was some temptation I failed to fully surrender to the Lord during the day, I give it to Him in my evening prayer, and ask Him to keep me safe from lust during my sleeping hours. Making this Tenth Step effort each night has virtually eliminated such dreams from my subconscious. I have found that the Lord can reign even in my subconscious if I will let Him.
Taking Step Ten has the power to help us keep the cleanliness and peace that are the fruits of earlier steps. This continual review of our lives is a marvelous gift, a means to continually retain a remission of our sins. What a blessing!
Making the Most of this Chapter
Please take time to answer the following questions in your recovery journal.
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Consider once more King Benjamin’s counsel in Mosiah 4:30 to “watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds.” Imagine applying that kind of thorough humility on a daily basis.
Think about your progress so far. Make a list of those thoughts and feelings-or even actual behaviors-that require you to do a Tenth Step every evening. Invite the Lord to show you any hidden motives you might have for hanging on to the things on your list. Listen honestly and with an open mind, and then record His counsel to you.
- The Lord counsels us in D&C 101:38 that “in patience” we may “possess” our souls. Write about how Step Ten involves yet another call to patience with ourselves, and the fact that growth happens gradually over a season. What things do you find in yourself that still require patience in your recovery, even at the level of Step Ten? Write about the importance of balance, being neither too critical nor too lenient in assessing your progress.
- Joseph Smith counsels us, “Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed” (D&C 123:17). Write about how doing a daily Tenth Step to catch ourselves in our weaknesses manifests our willingness to do all that lies in our power. How does Step Ten also remind us to “stand still” and allow the Lord’s “arm to be revealed?” What does it mean to be “still?”
- Read “Sex, Love and Lust in Marriage” in Appendix B (286). If you are married, do you identify areas in your intimate relations where lust might be present? Write about any changes you feel you should make in your marriage to eliminate lust. If you are single, write about how you can avoid lust in your present dating relationships, as well as in a future marriage.
- Write about the role humility and repentance play in a healthy marriage. If you are married, discuss Step Ten with your spouse and express your desire to live each day in a state of continuing repentance. Write about your thoughts and her response. If you are single, discuss this topic with a trusted friend. Make a record of your conversation in your personal journal.
Next Week-Chapter 15: Step Eleven
Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison, and its companion LDS 12 Step book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison, are available at most LDS bookstores and can be ordered online at www.ldscloseouts.com or www.rosehavenpublishing.com
