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Clean Hands, Pure Heart
Overcoming Addiction to Pornography through the Redeeming Power of Jesus Christ
By Philip A. Harrison

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Chapter 16: Step Twelve-Part 2

Give All Credit to the Lord

When someone with whom I have shared my story does take the message to heart and begins to make progress in breaking free from his addiction, I am faced with another temptation – pride!

Pride is such a trap for me! It got me into addiction in the first place, it kept me from accepting the solution when I first heard it, and now, when I have begun sharing the blessings the Lord has given me in recovery, pride tempts me back into feelings of self-sufficiency or self-importance – and thus, alienation from God.

I need to keep constantly before me the example of Ammon. He rejoiced in the success he and the other sons of Mosiah had in their missionary labors, but he quickly gave all the glory to God (Alma 26). In doing Twelfth Step work, we must do the same. God is the only One who has the power to lift temptation or to change anyone’s heart. As much as we desire to help, we can never fill the role of the Savior in our friends’ recovery. This is the lesson of Step One: we must never forget our own powerlessness and God’s omnipotence.

If I am blessed in any way, either in my own recovery or through participating in someone else’s recovery, it is vital that I give the credit to God, knowing that all redemption comes only from Him. I am simply grateful to God for letting me see it happen. I know I have no more power to save anyone else than I had power to get myself out of my own addiction in the first place.

How Sharing the Message Sustains Our Own Recovery

I have many reasons for telling my story, and not all of them are altruistic. Carrying this message does something for me. In bearing testimony of these principles, I am reminded of them myself. In bearing witness of the change the Lord has brought about in my life, I am again renewed and blessed in so many ways.

Some have said that they have to give this message away in order to keep it. I think that is probably true, but I also find deeper reasons. I think of the story of the ten lepers Jesus healed. After they had shown themselves to the priest, as their law required, only one returned to give thanks, praising God for his healing. “And Jesus answering said, Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?” (Luke 17:17). I cannot bear to be one of the nine. I must give thanks to God for His miracle in cleansing my life. I was unable to cleanse myself; it took the Lord’s power. My recovery, therefore, is not my own, but His. Who am I, then, to hide it?

Applying these Principles In All Our Affairs

I have emphasized that the Lord wants to redesign our whole lives, not just our addiction. And as I have tried to live these principles, I have had to admit that my addiction was only a symptom of my disease. My attitudes toward life, others and God all needed to be transformed. That process continues in Step Twelve as we “practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Some talk about people having an “addictive personality.” I definitely fall into that category. I can see evidence for it even in my childhood. For example, as soon as I discovered sweets, I was hooked. I remember an occasion when I was in grade school when my father soundly reprimanded me for spending my whole allowance on candy. As soon as I was old enough to get a paper route, I routinely stopped at a little store to buy chocolate bars and orange sodas. One day the shopkeeper told me about a recent news report that said people could actually get addicted to chocolate. I must have already been adept at denial, for I quickly brushed aside his comment as irrelevant to myself.

I continued my love affair with junk food through my teens and twenties, blissfully free of any consequences (except for the deteriorating state of my teeth), because I seemed to be able to eat anything I wanted without gaining weight.

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Of course, my marvelous metabolism was a constant source of annoyance to my wife! But when I hit about thirty years of age, something changed, and I started to put on weight. Where my weight had stayed pretty close to 170 for years, now I began a gradual climb up the scale, until at age fifty, I weighed close to 235 pounds. I knew I should change my eating habits, but I was too used to finding comfort in the foods I loved. I stubbornly defended my right to eat whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. After all, I wasn’t that much overweight!

One day, after I had been working the Twelve Steps for about four years, something “clicked.” An opportunity to try a new, healthier way of eating was presented to me, and while I had never in my life restricted what I ate, I somehow suddenly found myself willing to give it a try. I cut out cookies and cakes and ice cream and candy. I was amazed. I didn’t even seem to mind doing without. This just wasn’t like me; something was definitely different!

I think what I experienced was the fruit of those recent years of learning to surrender my will to the Lord in the area of sexual temptation. In surrendering sexual thoughts and desires, I was giving the Lord access to my heart, and He was changing it, bit by bit. I hadn’t looked for anything but relief from the addiction to pornography that had made my life so miserable for so many years. But the truth is, my food addiction had also cost me. I was not as healthy as I could have been. My physical activities were limited by my weight. My self-esteem was definitely affected, even though I tried not to think about it. (Let’s not even talk about my teeth!) The Lord knew the changes I needed, and once I gave Him permission to start on me, He just kept going!

This morning, as I write this, I weigh 195 pounds, down 35-40 pounds from my highest weight. It has been about twenty-five years since I passed this weight on the way up. That’s a lot of years to spend with that much extra weight.

I don’t mean to give the impression that I am now perfect. Far from it! I see the invitation of the Twelfth Step as a challenge to continue to turn my will over to the Lord in other ways. I don’t have to look very hard to find areas where I am still reluctant to give Him full control over my life. Even with the eating, my surrender is better at some times than others. However, if I stay close to the Lord, day by day He continues to invite me to surrender my life to Him, and I am responding.

Perhaps the most important thing the Twelve Steps teach us is to be willing to examine our lives – our motives and our actions – with a willingness to hear the guidance of the Lord. It is my testimony that He cares for us more than we can comprehend, that He desperately desires our happiness, and that He will be there with each of us as we put ourselves in His care.

And Finally We Are Done – Or Are We?

Well, here we are at the end of Step Twelve. We have worked through our addiction, surrendered it to the Lord, and become free from its clutches. We have experienced a mighty change of heart and have become a new creature in Christ … or have we? If you are like me, maybe all these things haven’t happened for you just because you’ve read this book all the way through. I know that my first reading of He Did Deliver Me from Bondage did not mark an instant end to my problem. I had to go back and read it again, and this second time, commit to doing all of the writing exercises I skipped over the first time through.

During my first exposure to the material, I was still so filled with shame and so unaware of the Savior’s mercy and grace, that I couldn’t even bear the thought of putting the word “pornography” down in black and white in my recovery journal. What if my children ever read it? Or my parents? What if I accidentally left my journal somewhere and someone – a colleague at work, a friend, or a member of my ward – found it and read it? After all, once it was written down, it was “out there” and I could no longer deny it or ignore it. But wait! That was the whole point of doing the writing, wasn’t it, to get honest with myself? I had to get over that roadblock or I would never be able to do the writing that would help me examine the inner vessel of my heart and mind, and thereby begin to let the Lord cleanse it.

As I continued to wrestle with this predicament, I went ahead and kept reading the chapters on each of the steps. Somewhere along the path, as I began to understand the spiritual nature of addiction, my heart began to ache inside to do anything – anything – to be freed from my prison of shame. I finally allowed the Lord to whisper the solution to me, and it was so straightforward and simple, I should be embarrassed to admit how long it took me to face it. I’m not embarrassed, though, because I know each of you can empathize with my initial reluctance.

Eventually, I accepted the promptings of the Spirit and prayerfully sought a time and situation where I could talk to each of my family members and even some of my closer friends. I told them of my years of imprisonment in the invisible clutches of addiction and my recent efforts to become free. To my surprise, they all reacted compassionately. No one gasped. None of them disowned me. I still continue to marvel in gratitude at their degree of patience and maturity.

Once I told my loved ones – especially my children – about my addiction, I felt free to begin writing my honest responses to the exercises provided in He Did Deliver Me from Bondage. Almost immediately, I began to experience the powerful tool that personal, heart-deep writing can be. Over the course of my recovery, it has become one of my surest channels of truth and personal revelation – so much so, I feel a need to conclude with a section on how I have learned to use writing in my recovery (see Appendix A). Believe me, I am very aware that I do not have any authority to tell you what you have to do to recover.

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All I can do is strongly suggest and plead with you: if you’ve read straight through Clean Hands, Pure Heart and have not done the writing exercises, please go back and start again. Please be willing to do the writing. It will open your heart and mind to receive the Lord’s wisdom and the gift of a changed and blessed life.

I am amazed at how different I feel now than I did in the beginning, when I was so terrified of anyone learning about my secret life. Today I sit here, writing the final chapters of a book I actually hope and pray everyone will read and be blessed by. I have experienced a 180-degree turn from where I was before – a complete change of heart.

As I finish this effort to reach out to you, my beloved brothers and sisters, I feel the need to thank you for the joy it has brought to my heart to imagine your hope being rekindled by this message. If you were, or still are, like I was – convinced you are down for the count – may I hold out my lamp to light your path to reclaim your own innocence. I cannot loan you my oil, but I can hold my lamp high and invite you to come to Christ. The Lord has changed my life. He has given me back both clean hands and an ever-increasingly innocent and pure heart. He has restored my agency, restored me to sanity of the highest order, and given me a purpose – His own. The Prophet Joseph Smith said it so well:

Love is one of the chief characteristics of Deity, and ought to be manifested by those who aspire to be the sons of God. A man filled with the love of God [from Him and for Him] … ranges through the whole world, anxious to bless the whole human race. (History of the Church, 4:227)

I know He loves me, and I know He loves you. It is my constant prayer that you will seek Him, trust Him, and allow Him to recreate your life in His own image, beginning today and for the rest of your mortal life. I look forward to meeting you someday and rejoicing with you in the blessings the Lord has brought into our lives. I share all this with you in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.

One Final Invitation

I have placed in Appendix A the most important tools of recovery that have helped me in coming unto Christ. I have referred to most of them previously in this book. However, let me invite you to read through it as one final hug from me. May God bless you in your continuing journey of recovery.

Making The Most of this Chapter

Please take time to answer the following questions in your recovery journal.

1.       One description of the “mighty change of heart” is given in the following passage: “Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word” (Alma 5:7). Write about your own awakening “unto God.” Has your soul been “illuminated by the light of the everlasting word?” What changes do you see in your life to this moment?

2.       We can learn many wonderful recovery principles from our hymns. Contemplate the message of Hymn no. 219, and write in your journal how this hymn applies directly to you:

3.       Write about your gratitude to the Lord and about your desire to share the gift of recovery with others. In Mosiah 27:36-37 we read, “And thus they were instruments in the hands of God in bringing many to the knowledge of the truth, yea, to the knowledge of their Redeemer. And how blessed are they! For they did publish peace; they did publish good tidings of good; and they did declare unto the people that the Lord reigneth.” Copy this verse into your journal and capture from it. What does it mean to “publish peace?” What are the “good tidings of good?” What good tidings do you have to publish?

4.       Sharing the message of your personal recovery from sexual addiction requires great sensitivity to the Spirit. Write about any experiences you have had in feeling prompted to share your story with others. Write about the importance of having the confirmation of the Spirit before sharing your experiences.

5.       Most of us who have sought to reform some area of our lives have had the experience of taking a class or participating in a program that was helpful while we were involved in it, but which lost its effectiveness in our lives once the class was over. Write about your plans to retain the blessings you have experienced so far through participating in gospel principles represented in the Twelve Steps as you seek to “practice these principles in all [your] affairs.”

An Epilogue and four appendices are included at the end of this book, but will not be posted here. The appendices contain the following information:

Some Important Tools for Recovery-

       Capturing
       Likening the Scriptures to Ourselves
       Conversing with the Lord
       Recording the Word of the Lord in Our Journals.

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Helps for a Personal Recovery Program

       Making a Step Four Inventory
       Personal Inventory Form
       Step Six Inventory of Character Defects
       Codependency
       Sex, Love and Lust in Marriage
       Using Outside Supports

Helps for Holding Twelve Step Recovery Meetings

       Twelve Step Meeting Format
       Twelve Steps and Traditions of Heart t’ Heart
       Twelve Steps and Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous
       Guidelines for Twelve Step Meetings
       Suggested Tools for Recovery

Resources for Recovery – Lists of books, Conference talks, Ensign Articles and organizations to help with recovery.

Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison, and its companion LDS 12 Step book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison, are available at most LDS bookstores and can be ordered online at www.ldscloseouts.com or www.rosehavenpublishing.com