Line upon Line

Young mothers today don’t know how lucky they are.  The restored gospel has evolved in a beautiful way for this generation.  When I was a young mother, we lived in Connecticut.  We had two little boys and lived a train-ride from Manhattan.  I didn’t take the train into the city with the other mothers in my neighborhood.  Each morning, I pushed my stroller to the local park where we threw breadcrumbs to the ducks.  All around us children played, some also feeding the ducks.

One day I noticed my toddler sharing his bag of bread with another little boy and I approached the women supervising the child.  “You have a darling son,” I began, hoping to strike up a friendship. “Oh, he’s not my son.  I’m the nanny,” she said with an engaging accent.  Embarrassed, I took a closer look at all the “moms” and from the fit of their yoga pants, it appeared none had ever born a child.  I was surrounded by nannies.

One of my neighbors left her children with her husband, a firefighter who worked nights.  Another hired child-care while she finished her accounting degree.  These women could not understand why I chose to be a full-time mom.  “What about your education?” they asked.  “You’re going to waste your brain wiping runny noses and changing diapers.”

My neighbors did not know it, but they had poked a wound.  It was cold in Connecticut, the summers were short and the winters were long, and in the wintertime the sun set before the children even got off the bus. My husband commuted a long way to work leaving me alone with my little boys ten or more hours a day.  I longed to put on my power suit and high heels, hop on the train and spend the day in a high rise office. This was the equal rights era.  The Equal Rights Amendment was being debated in congress, and the cry for women being treated the same as men rang loud throughout the media. I was caught up in the cry.

A like-minded saint

My angst was compounded when I encountered a like-minded Latter-day Saint woman.  We were both serving as regional public affairs directors, she in Pennsylvania, and I in Connecticut.  We met in Washington D.C. at a church-sponsored conference where we shared a hotel room.  She was the director of an in-house advertising agency, and as much as I longed to work but didn’t, she was consumed with guilt because she did.

At that time the leaders of the church strongly encouraged mothers to stay home with their children.  They did not encourage mothers to pray and make a choice that was best for their family like they do today.  The phrase “a mother’s place is in the home,” was not a joke.  It was counsel.  The only women for whom working was not frowned upon were those who worked out of necessity.

My new-found friend and I commiserated about the unfairness of this stance.  Some women are not cut out to be full-time mothers, we lamented.  Some women have God-given talents that can only be demonstrated outside the home.  There are women who do a perfectly good job taking care of other people’s children.  Biological mothers spend plenty of time with their children after work and on weekends, etc. etc.  My friend, who was even more frustrated than I was, wrote a four-page single-spaced letter and sent it directly to the prophet, who at the time was President Ezra Taft Benson.  President Benson had just delivered his famous address, “To the Mothers in Zion” pricking her conscience even more.

Conflict inside and out

These were the days of the “mommy wars.”  Women actually attacked one another for their choices.  The working women ridiculed the full-time mothers, asserting they were wasting their time, that far less educated women could do what they did, that a woman deserved the same career opportunities as a man, etc., etc.  The full-time mothers attacked the working women, insinuating their children would become delinquents because their mothers had abandoned them and didn’t love them enough to raise them themselves.

The church’s stance was that a mother should stay home if it was at all possible and her income was not necessary to survive.  Of course, this counsel evolved into a debate over what was a need and what was a want.

I was tortured by this conflict, both externally and internally.  As much as I adored my boys, motherhood was lonely and difficult, and I longed to challenge myself in the workforce. To appease my angst I made lists about the worth of a full-time mother, noting that she is accountant, therapist, chef, chauffeur, medical aid, etc., etc. and not just a wiper of snotty noses.

I finally found peace staying home by using the journalism training I had received in college and I began writing.  Writing challenged my mind, broke up the monotony of my days, and allowed me to feel like I was contributing to the world in a larger way.

The blessed restoration

A marvelous phenomenon is occurring in this generation that affects the way we approach motherhood.  As part of the on-going restoration of the church, we are becoming principle-centered decision-makers. I liken this change to the Savior’s teachings that “old things are done away and all things have become new.”  The Law of Moses was a law of rules and rituals.  Practically every step one took was dictated by the law.  Christ came and fulfilled the law. The Law of the Gospel encourages us to make decisions according to true principles.

We saw this process of restoration as mission leaders when half-way through our three-years’ service the “White Bible” our missionaries carried in their breast pocket was replaced with Missionary Standards for Disciples of Jesus Christ.  At first, we were worried the elders’ hair would soon hang over their collars and the sisters would wear flip flops to church.  Instead, the missionaries embraced principles.  They chose to represent Jesus Christ with a clean, respectful look, not because there was a list of commandments to follow regarding their grooming.

This glorious, principle-based, higher law is becoming prevalent throughout the church.  Rather than ask ourselves, “What should my decision be?” and looking for the answer in a manual, we are asking ourselves, “Why should I make this decision” and we find the answer on our knees.  This method of searching leads to life-long conversion, not white-knuckled obedience.

Today’s blessed mothers are encouraged to make a principle-based choice about work and parenting.  Today’s mothers can work without being castigated or they can stay home without being ridiculed.  (It’s practically seen as a status symbol these days to have the luxury of being a full-time mom.) Today’s mothers are trusted to make a choice that is best for the family and are trusted to seek and receive their own personal revelation.

A healthy move

The conflict between working and staying home taught me one of the most powerful lessons of my life. Even though I lived in a “law of Moses” era as opposed to today’s “law of the gospel” era, I have been beyond grateful that I did not heed the voices of my critical neighbors and chose to follow the prophet.  During the years I spent as a full-time mom our family experienced a series of crises that absolutely mandated my presence.

The voices of the world change with the wind.  One day it is all the rage to work outside the home and the next day it is all the rage to stay home.  Listening to the voices of the world can make us feel like we’re in a race we can never win.  We buy a wardrobe that is in fashion at the moment and before we even wear each outfit, the fashions change.

A surprising discovery

Unbeknown to me, when we lived in Connecticut, I had Seasonal Affective Disorder, although there wasn’t a name for it back then.  In retrospect I was depressed (although at that time I had never heard of depression either).  I just thought my circumstance as a full-time mother was destroying my mood.  It turned out a move to Florida improved my mood almost immediately.

In addition, I found like-minded neighbors who had also chosen full-time motherhood.  My children were elated to discover children their age lived next door, and triplets lived two doors down.  Motherhood became easier because I no longer felt like a second-class citizen, and finally I had friends.  I pushed my stroller to the park alongside other mothers.  We supervised our own children at the park.  This was still the ERA era, but the voices I listened to made all the difference.  I learned not to be swayed by “popular” opinion. It turns out “popular opinion” isn’t universally popular.

JeaNette Goates Smith is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (L.M.F.T.) and the author of four books on family relationships that can be found at www.smithfamilytherapy.org  She and her husband, Bret, are the parents of four children and grandparents to 15 grandchildren.