Question
My wife and I are currently separated and living in different cities. She keeps hinting at divorce and how things aren’t looking so good for us right now. We haven’t done anything legal in terms of separating finances or custody. We’ve worked out a decent visitation arrangement with the kids, but the longer this drags on, the more I feel like I need to protect myself. She only talks about “us” when she’s referring to money that she needs (she is a stay-at-home mom), but the rest of the time, its “me” and “you.” I want to tell her that I won’t keep putting money toward things for her until I know that she’s going to be my wife long-term. Otherwise, it just feels like a waste. I don’t want to be a jerk, but it seems like if things stay the same, I’ll just be supporting this separation. She was the one who left and has no plan for returning anytime soon. Should I protect myself or just let this go?
Answer
You are worried that your wife will take advantage of you and that you will get nothing in return. I wonder if this is the first time you have turned your marriage into a negotiation. I suspect this is how you and your wife have viewed your relationship. Things aren’t always fair and balanced at the same time in marriages, even healthy ones.
When you start applying a commodity mindset to marriage, everyone loses. Put another way, viewing marriage as a service that is owed to you because you pay a certain amount of money or you perform certain duties will only set you up to be resentful and frustrated. Marriage isn’t a 50-50 arrangement. Both people commit to giving 100% regardless of how much the other person is able to give at that time.
Granted, if there are destructive patterns, such as addiction, violence, infidelity, or neglect, the priority shifts to emotional and physical safety until those patterns are addressed adequately. Aside from these exceptions, the difficulties and challenges common to most marriages don’t need more measuring of who is doing more, but, instead, need more commitment from each to give their all. This takes trust and good faith in your partner that all will work toward the good of the marriage, instead of counting the benefit to each individual.
If you pull back your financial support just because she’s not sure she wants to stay married to you, it sends a strong signal that you are going to make sure things are fair for you. I have no idea why she decided to leave, but I can tell you that when you start making things about fairness, nothing will add up and everyone loses.
If you genuinely want your wife back, then continue to treat her like your wife. You promised to put her first and support her as long as she’s your wife. Plus, if you put a price on your marriage, then how can you really trust that she wants to be your wife? You will begin to question her motives and then you’ll really feel taken advantage of.
Leave the money out of it and focus on repairing your marriage. Take the time to listen to her and find out why she left in the first place. See if there are things you can change. You can always figure out the money later if she no longer wants to be your wife. As long as you have a wife, turn to her and work on being the best husband you can be so you can save your marriage.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at [email protected]
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic and currently serves as the primary chorister. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
CharlieBrown2292June 15, 2015
My brother is going through a very similar situation, and I fully agree with Jim's comments. Indeed, too many men in our Church get victimized by their spouses and do not get the kind of support and empathy women receive under similar circumstances. My brother loved and served his wife unconditionally, regardless of the abuse he received from her over many years. Even after she left him in poor health, he is still willing to send her money whenever she is asking for it. We are now trying to save his finances and mental sanity from the clutches of this horrible “Temple Recommend Holding” woman, and it's a good thing he didn't get to read the advice provided in this Newsletter.
JimJune 12, 2015
This article plays squarely into the typical LDS social idea that woman can do no wrong. (Social idea NOT doctrine) As that mindset is not gospel, I feel open to express my feelings. The facts I gathered from the article are: 1) the woman left the man. (If you just thought; "oh he must have done something terrible to her" then you are stuck in the social cage referenced before. There is nothing here to suggest he did anything wrong. As a matter of fact he has kept supporting the woman and family even though she made the choice to leave. Sadly the article has the nuance that the woman not receive the full ramifications of her actions. 2) He asked if he was being taken advantage of financially. He did not ask if the process was fair. The LDS 12 step recovery program spends considerable time talking about codependency and how to avoid or separate ourselves from the damages caused in Codependent relationships. The woman in the article only uses WE when talking about money or needing money. Yet the author turns on the man and calls him out for being focused on money. Weird at the least. If the woman is only willing to speak in couple voice when she needs money, is it not her who is manipulating the situation? How is that not a damaging codependent relationship? 3) They have worked out a visitation schedule. Meaning the mother has time when the children are with the father. Why then has she no responsibility financially? Would it hot be helpful to the lady to see what a hell it is to live as a single parent and try to make everything work. Time, schoolwork, finances... Or is it okay for her to have one of the major single parent stresses removed because she is a woman. All the while belittling the man. When in reality he has to play Mommy and balance everything at lease part off the time and that is much harder that making "money". But no mention of his struggles with the separation? I think it could be wise for the man to pay support as outlined by the government as if they were divorced. This way they both can work toward budgeting around child support payments and money management. Divorce is not fair, and the misaligned fairness has nothing to do with money, the Man nor the Woman. It's the Kids that are damaged the most by the experience.