Relationships

Editor’s Note:  We are pleased to present this once-a-week, all-summer-long series of familycentric essays from Richard Eyre. Today’s essay is number 9 of 12. Look at the “intermission essay” here which has links to the first 6 articles so that newcomers can catch up. And look at last week’s essay 7 here and essay 8 here.

As most Meridian readers know, the Eyres, for five decades, have focused their professional lives on strengthening families.  This focus has ranged from writing New York Times #1 bestselling books to speaking to parents in more than 60 countries around the globe.  But their true passion is for an Inclusive, Eternal Family Paradigm that can’t be fully shared or grasped without the insights of the Restored Gospel. And they feel that the reverse of that is also true:  The Restored Gospel can’t be fully grasped or shared until it is seen through an Inclusive, Eternal Family Lens.  The goal of this series of essays is to better understand and have more realistic expectations of both Church and Family. And “family” is broadly defined so that each article speaks to us all, whether we are single or married, parents or siblings, aunts and uncles or grandparents.

Author’s Note: Much of Linda and my speaking and writing these days is devoted to Grandparenting and Three-Generation Family Management, so I am happy that one of the twelve essays in this series—this one—takes direct aim at the important and inherent advantages of a connected three-generation family (over the two-generation “nuclear family” favored (and lived) by most Americans). I believe that “family” should be broadly and inclusively defined, indeed as broadly as God defines it. Because extended, linked families are the Government of God and the makeup of the Kingdom of Heaven. And all who believe that a proactive, connected, three-generation family is the best and most joyful way to live will have that opportunity at sometime during this three-scene second act of eternity (see essay 1).

And finally, remember that you can send any inputs or feedback on any article in the series to my pen name email at dr*******@gm***.com which will be helpful to me as I turn this series into a book next year.

Questions

The questions implied and considered in this essay 9 are important societally and economically.  But they are most important personally and spiritually for each one of us.  Here are some of these questions: In what important way does the American definition of “family” differ from the world’s definition? Were the 50s the good-old-days of families? Even in the face of statistics that show family decline, why are the best families and marriages in history existent now? What trends and demographics suggest that grandparents need to be more proactive today? How inclusive is a three-generation family and is anyone, single or married, left out of that larger family definition? And on a practical level, how can parents and grandparents team up to make present and future life better for the kids?

If the above questions are personal and individual, here is a broader societal question: If we recognize families as the basic unit of society, how do we improve and strengthen families today?  More government programs and assistance?  Turn back the clock and have families function like they did in the 50s?

Maybe the simplest, and most Gospel-centered solution is surprisingly simple: Get Grandparents more involved!

Hypothetical Letters from a Two-Generation (Nuclear) Family and from a Three-Generation (Connected) Family

From the Nuclear Mom:

I feel like both marriage and parenting are harder today than ever before.  My parents tell me that it’s always been hard and “good luck, it’s your turn now” (which is part of their hands-off, We-raised-you-now-you-raise-them philosophy).

My husband and I are wondering if we should have had our third child.  Two was hard enough, but three is straining everything, including our marriage, our budget, and our sanity.  We both work, and still can’t afford the full-time childcare that we really need.  And the worst part is that I always feel pulled between the constant needs of my work and the constant needs of my kids.  I feel guilty that caregivers and teachers have more time with my kids than I do. I say they are my biggest joy and responsibility, but I am delegating the parenting-job to others so I can do my job-job.  But there is only one of me, what else can I do?

From the Nuclear Grandpa:

It’s everything we hoped for, a senior retirement community, all the leisure and recreation you could want, and none of the home or yard or kid responsibility that used to tie us down.

But how many days a week can you play golf, and why is life so boring without the constant pressure that we worked so hard to get away from.

If I’m honest, the thing that really bothers me is irrelevance.  If I disappeared tomorrow, who would miss me?  Maybe my golf buddies would have to find someone to replace me in the foursome, –same with my bridge club.

We do see the kids and grandkids at Christmas and in the summer, but it’s like getting to know them all over again because they are changing so fast.  I sometimes think our daughters would like us to connect a little more, but the travel is hard, and it just isn’t the same on Zoom or online.  And I do try to give them parenting and marital advice whenever I email them.  So what more could I do really?  Maybe it will just take a little more time to get used to not having those family responsibilities.

From the Three-Generation Dad:

As important as our communication with our kids is, I’ve come to think that the communication with our parents is equally important—and they are both so connected.  The kids are always the prime subject when we’re with our parents, and so often when we are talking to our kids we reference or talk about their grandparents.

My folks take my wife Jenny and I out to dinner every few months for our “five facet review” where we talk one at a time about each of our kids, about how each one is doing physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.  They ask a lot of good questions, and Jenny and I learn a lot about ourselves from how we respond.  They take notes and always ask what we would like them to do to help.  Mainly, with our four heads together, we just really explore and learn about each of our kids.  I think my parents come away from those dinners knowing a lot more about each of our kids, and it makes us know how much they love them, and we feel less hesitant to ask for their help and to plan more grandparents time for them (we call it Gen 1 Gen 3 time, and it’s good for everyone.

When they are tending the kids, we don’t feel the same anxiety or guilt that sometimes comes when we leave them with caretakers or sitters that we barely know.

They are really proactive grandparents, my parents are, but they always ask for our permission or agreement when they want to take them somewhere or teach them something.  There is a synergy between the three generations that makes life more manageable and more fulfilling for all of us.

From the Three-Generation Grandma:

Not too long after we had our first grandchild, it dawned on me that while our “parenting span” for each of our kids was only about 18 years until they left home, our “grandparenting span” could well be 30 or even 40 years.  I might spend half of my life as a grandma!

I also started realizing, about that same time, how much our girls and our son need our help with their kids.  I decided that I wanted to be an involved, proactive grandma, but not a pushy or take-charge one.  I worked at communicating to our kids, especially our daughters and grand-daughter-in-law, that I wanted to support them, that I knew that the stewardship of these kids was theirs, and God’s guidance would come to them and not to me regarding their kids.  I wanted to be the one who asked the questions, not the one with all the answers.

So we have a “1 and 2 generation meeting” every once in a while where the parents catch us grandparents up on the latest with each of their kids and where we schedule and plan where and when we can help, and talk about any challenges that any of the kids might have and discuss how we might be able to help (or not—sometimes it is clear that they want us to stay out of certain things.)

It’s not perfect, sometimes I know I step on toes, and lots of times I’m not available when they want me to help (and they respect that I have my own life and can’t always be at their beck and call). But by in large, we feel connected, and I’m so grateful because I honestly believe it makes it better for the kids, for the parents, and for us far-from-perfect but always-trying grandparents.

Personal Story 

Over the forty years Linda and I have spent traveling the globe speaking to audiences of parents who have read our books, we have realized something that was initially a bit shocking:  In a couple of key aspects, American families are generally out of step with the majority of families in the world—and it is to our determent.

There is an American definition of family and a World definition of family. In this country, “family” usually means the nuclear family of just parents and children living together. In most of Asia and Africa, and across vast swaths of Europe and South America, “family” rarely means just the nuclear family and almost always means three (or sometimes four) generations living together, with various and interesting interplay between each generation, and often with gen. 1 (the grandparents) having a lot of responsibility and daily connection with gen. 3 (the grandkids)

There are economic advantages to the World definition of family, but the biggest plusses are the teaching and responsibility-sharing synergies. Grandparents really can teach some things better to kids than parents can, and the two reinforcing each other is more powerful in children’s lives than parents alone (and some of the parent-kid power struggles are eliminated).

I’m not advocating that we all move in together under one roof, but I am advocating, for my family and for yours, that there be more 3-generational connections and communication, and that generations 1 and 2 spend more time and effort communicating and brainstorming and cooperating on generation 3.

In families where this happens, where parents partner equally with each other as family “managers” and bring in grandparents as proactive, participating family “consultants” they become, I believe, the best and strongest families in the world and in history.

Let’s not convert back to the stereotyped-role families of the fifties, or convert over to the three or four generation families all under one roof of Asia and Africa; instead, let’s build the cooperative, connected, synergistic three-generation, families that today’s connection and technology allow and that can be the strongest most lasting families ever known.

The Five-Facet Review

As I began write this essay, we had just finished having dinner at a favorite Thai restaurant with one of our daughters and her husband. The purpose and the agenda of the dinner was to have a “five-facet-review” of their four children where we could think together about how each child was doing physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.

Our daughter and her husband took the lead in the discussion because they are the parents of these kids—they are the ones with the stewardship for them, they are the ones who know them best, they are the managers; and we are, when asked, the consultants.

We had been the ones that requested the meeting/dinner/review, but we made it clear that we were there mainly to ask and listen, that we loved those four grandkids they had given us so much that we wanted to know all we could about them on all five facets.

The dinner conversation started with us telling them how much we wanted to support the two of them as parents and to follow their lead on what their children needed and on what parts of those needs they wanted our help or involvement.

With that tone, we had an amazing and illuminating evening.  We started with their oldest child, and they reviewed how he was doing physically—everything from his general health to his teeth, and everything from his music and athletic abilities to his problems or issues. The two of them seemed to fuel each other’s thoughts and ideas.  Our daughter would say something, and her husband would pick up on it and elaborate.

We asked clarifying questions and took notes.  Then we went on to the mental—how he learns and studies, his academic assets and liabilities, how he relates to his teacher at school, his natural aptitudes, what is easy and what is hard for him, where his interests and passions lie, his imagination, his creativity.  Then on to the emotional—his mood swings, what upsets him, how he handles victories and defeats, how open he is about his feelings.  Social came next—his friends, his conversational ability, who he likes to be with, his fears, his exposure to social media.  And finally, his spiritual facet—where his heart and his faith are and how he responds to the Church and its programs and lessons.

It was fascinating for the four of us to do this conversational deep dive into this child we all love so much.  As the two of us posed questions, listened, and took notes, we learned dozens of small things at that restaurant table that will help us love him better, and we felt that our kids-the-parents learned from their own answers and analysis of their child.

We avoided any judgement or criticism, or even any advice unless it was asked for directly, and we complemented them at every opportunity, and made even more of a point of praising this grandson and telling them how great he is and how much and how well they are teaching him.  The conversation never stalled, in fact it picked up momentum and energy as we went along.

And we were just getting started.  We went on to their other three children, and the dinner lasted nearly three hours.

What could be better than having an “intelligence gathering and strategy session” among the teaching and management team that is lovingly assigned to these four special projects?

We’ve decided to do an update five-facet-review with the team at other good restaurants every couple of months.

Now if this kind of five-facet review, and this kind of open, non-judgmental discussion between parents and grandparents seems unrealistic to you, work into it gradually, even gingerly.  If you are the grandparent, start by complementing your kids on how they are raising their children, making it clear to them that you respect their stewardship and authority and that all you want to do is support and back them up.  If you are the parent, start by telling your parents that you appreciate their help and input so much and want to get it more regularly, but that it needs to be supplemental to your plan for your family.  Let those kind of overtures gradually evolve into the idea that you, together, really are the family management team and the ones that, collectively and in teamwork, can help the kids more than separately.  Put any past differences or conflicts or bad feelings aside and agree, for the sake of the kids, to communicate and cooperate as much as possible, and when the time feels right, pick a nice evening and a nice restaurant and a nice night out together for your first 5-facet review.

The T.E.A.M. Approach to Grandparenting (another story)

The interest in and passion for more proactive grandparenting is exploding all over the world.  And it is not just happening in the Church. Linda and I find ourselves speaking to grandparents here, there, and everywhere, and more than a thousand enrolled in our online Zoom grandparenting101.com course.  It feels to us like grandparenting is where parenting was 60 years ago—it is becoming an art and a skill, and people WANT to do it right. Here is one example:

Not long ago we were invited to speak to a group of CEOs of major companies in Houston.  All of them were grandparents, and they wanted us to help them get better at it. Linda was busy getting ready for the wedding of our own granddaughter, so I went on my own.  The audience was full of questions and enthusiasm.  Here is a brief summary of the evening’s discussion:

I started off by asking them two questions, 1.  How would your grandkids describe you? And 2. What do you want your grandkids to remember you for?

Their answers on the first question ranged from “The old guy with lots of money” to “The lady with the big house and all those rules.” The second question got more interesting—they wanted to be remembered for their support, for their love, and for their deep interest in everything their grandkids did or wanted to do.

I had come prepared to suggest some even more specific answers to that all important second question about what we want to be remembered for as grandparents, and I wanted to create four memorable and penetrating mental images that they would retain and that would influence their priorities and their paradigms in leading and managing their three-generation families.  So I put this slide on the screen:

The T.E.A.M. approach to grandparenting: Be the Trunk, the Ear, the Assembler, and the Match to connect and empower your three-generation family.

“We hope, as grandparents” I explained, “that we can be remembered first for being part of an effective team with the parents, and second for being all four letters of the acronym  T.E.A.M.—The Trunk, the Ear, the Assembler, and the Match.”

As the Trunk, we are the connection between the branches of our children and grandchildren, and the roots of our ancestors.  As we tell our grandchildren the stories of their great and great-great grandparents, we give them a sense of identity and belonging, and a confidence in their own resilience. Data and surveys prove that the most resilient and best adjusted kids are the ones who know about and connect to their ancestors.

As the Ear, we ask and listen with great interest and without judgement.  We want to know everything about how our grandkids feel, about what they like and what they want to be.  We take notes on what they say in our grandparent’s ledger, and they know that we think they are unique and special and that we will always be there for them.  We take them on individual grandma dates and grandpa trips, and we reach them on their own communication preferences—text, facetime, and their personal social media favorites.

As the Assembler, we gather them for reunions, for dinners, for get-togethers of all kinds with their cousins who they bond with for life, and with their aunts and uncles who become parental back-ups. We assemble them electronically too, on Zoom calls or in Marco Polo groups and regardless of distance, we keep everyone in touch and up to date on each other.

And as the Match, we support them materially and financially in ways that motivate rather than spoil them, that stimulate initiative rather than entitlement.  If we can afford it, after discussion and approval from the parents, we do a 50-50 match on money they earn and save (in a custodial Roth account or a 529 Education plan), and perhaps on their college tuition, or in response to “matching grant proposals” they submit to us for experiences they want to have but that they and their parents can’t afford on their own.

Now, of course this presentation would be applicable to all parents, irrespective of their religious belief or faith.  But there is no question that in the Church, we feel an even deeper and more compelling spiritual motivation to become the best that we can be as patriarchs and matriarchs in our families, as the heads of three- and four-generation families, and as the connection to the ancestors that makes God’s plan possible for us and for all of our families.  Knowing and understanding our stewardship in doing all we can to make our families effective and faithful parts of God’s Eternal Family is the strongest grandparenting motivation of all.

Actually, there is a triple rather than a double meaning in this T.E.A.M approach to grandparenting.  First, it is absolutely essential to team up and communicate well with our children-the-parents.  We have to recognize them as the responsible stewards of their children and see ourselves as offering the support they want and approve of.  We have to shift our paradigm from being family managers to family consultants.

Second, we ought to team up with other grandparents who may have good ideas that we can learn from so that we don’t each have to rediscover the wheel.  One key reason for our grandparenting101.com Zoom course is to pull grandparents together in an online class where we can all learn from each other. Think about getting together a “grandparents group” made up of friends-of-a-similar-age that you respect, and just talk about how you are each approaching the role of grandparenting.

And third, we need to all strive to get better and better at the four key grandparenting roles in the T.E.A.M. acronym, developing our ability to be the Trunk, the Ear, the Assembler, and the Match.

Of course, all of our situations as grandparents are unique. Your family and circumstances are different than ours, or than those of any other grandparent. But the key principles always apply, and the critical roles are always the same—we just need to find our own personal way of playing them. As individual parents, we need to think hard about the best way to involve our parents with our kids; and as individual grandparents, we each have to figure out the specifics of our own T.E.A.M. approach to grandparenting. Thinking it through and coming up with our own strategies in our own specific situations is the first step in becoming a connected, effective 3-generation family with a team of goal-oriented management parents along with truly effective, proactive, difference-making consulting grandparents.

It’s something to think hard about…
Connected three-generation families…
The T.E.A.M. approach to raising kids…

If you’re the grandparent, take the initiative!
If you’re the parent, take the initiative!
Make it happen