Cathy and I published our book, Intentional Courtship, and began seriously working with mid-singles in 2021. In the four years since, we have been exposed to a lot of dating coaches, each claiming to have the secret for how to effortlessly get attractive members of the opposite sex to fall in love. Some even claim that they know the secret to getting others to fall in love, even when they don’t want to. Generally, their systems involve some version of playing hard to get with other manipulation techniques included for good measure. They often talk about getting attention and then treating the prospective partner a little dismissively or even feigning rejection to make that person want the pursuer more. When you encounter charlatans peddling this snake oil, run the other way fast. To be frank, some of these tips and tricks might help someone looking for a temporary fling. But they are counter-productive to finding the real love your heart longs for. We often hear people in the “dating space” talk about how a guy has “got game” if he has a way with women. But it’s not a “game” is it? Dating is about people’s hearts and souls. Dating is the customary way we seek eternal companions. Dating is one of the most important things you will ever do—not something we should liken to a “game” where we devise a clever strategy to “win” at the other person’s expense.
Real “winning” at dating is creating a relationship with your partner where both people’s happiness is enhanced and love and commitment endure. Your best chance of creating that kind of relationship is not through deception, fakery, or manipulation. Your partner will ultimately see through the charade, and then where are you? You may find yourself tied to someone you don’t even know, who you successfully tricked into marrying you. To my divorced readers I ask whether you really knew and loved your spouse before you married—or did you simply love the mask he or she was wearing to entice you?
Instead of trying to succeed at dating by playing a “game,” I suggest that the following principles will serve you and your partners better:
1. Stop trying to find love without risk and start risking: Most of the games people devise are for the purpose inducing the other person to make the first move—or to make a move that has plausible deniability. For example, after being turned down for a date, some people might say, “Oh I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I was only wanting to get together as friends.” While that excuse might allow you to save face, it is not honest. Forget dropping hints, flirting, and saying things ambiguously to reduce the risk of rejection. Bravely accept the risk. When you meet someone you would like to get to know, simply ask for a date—unambiguously. Don’t guess endlessly about whether he or she might want a date. Don’t try to puzzle it out with your friends or your mother. Don’t endlessly ruminate about the cryptic comment your person of interest made at the ward linger-longer. I have seen friends delay for weeks and even months asking someone for a date under the auspices of “laying a foundation.” Meanwhile, someone else swooped in and just asked for a date. By the time my timid friend felt he had laid enough of a foundation, someone else had laid a bigger one by asking for a date and created an exclusive relationship. If you want to know whether a prospective partner wants to get to know you, the fastest way is to simply ask for a date. That will tell you everything you need to know for the time being. The words of the biblical “Preacher” are helpful here:
“Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days” (Ecclesiastes 11:1).
“In the morning sow thy seed, and in the evening withhold not thine hand: for thou knowest not whether shall prosper, either this or that, or whether they both shall be alike good” (Ecclesiastes 11:6).
You may have taken risks before and been hurt, which makes it even more difficult to take further risks. Many have written long lists of things they will not tolerate or what behaviors they will interpret as a sure sign that their partner is just waiting to hurt them. But the truth is, you can never know for sure, and there is no sure-fire test that will guarantee you that going in a particular direction will not result in further pain or embarassment. If you want a chance at finding love, you will have to take the necessary risk in spite of your fears.
2. Vulnerability is the way to create connection: Many dating “experts” teach techniques that involve creating mystery, manipulation, and hiding your true level of interest—when exactly the opposite is necessary to create connection.On my first date with Cathy, I told her that I was financially broke, had just been laid off from my corporate job and divorced for the second time, that I had started a business but it wasn’t making money yet, and that I was couch surfing with my parents while my business was getting up and running. I wanted her to know that, if something developed between us, it might take a while because I was getting back on my feet. That disclosure did not spoil my chance with her. We were married a little over two years later. Another time, I wrote her an email telling her about a session I had with my therapist where I discussed having felt fears of her rejecting me. She answered with an email that was beautiful, understanding and empathetic. If I had not been vulnerable with her, I don’t think we could have created the heart connection we did.
I don’t suggest opening your heart to literally everyone you meet. But being real and vulnerable with someone you are trying to get to know will create a connection that boasting and manipulation never could. Imagine if, on our first date, I had told Cathy how successful my business was and tried to give the impression that I had money and power that I did not actually have? In the long run, she would have found out and my chance to gain her love would likely have been lost forever.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking you need to project a perfect impression to be worthy of love. The way you create connection is by sharing your story and the things you have learned. As Paul wrote, “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep” (Romans 12:15). As you share, you mutually will relate and understand each other at a depth you could never achieve just by slapping each other on the back and congratulating each other for being “amazing.” Be positive and hopeful—but above all be yourself. The kind of person you want to spend all eternity with is someone who understands the things you have been through and has been tested by fire himself or herself—not a person who expects perfection and is intolerant of those who have experienced life’s difficulties.
President Jeffrey R. Holland, while President of BYU, explained the importance of vulnerability in your future marriage relationship:
To give ourselves so totally to another person is the most trusting and perhaps the most fateful step we take in life. It seems such a risk and such an act of faith. None of us walking toward the altar would seem to have the confidence to reveal everything that we are—all our hopes, all our fears, all our dreams, all our weaknesses—to another person. Safety and good sense and this world’s experience suggest that we hang back a little, that we not wear our heart on our sleeve where it can so easily be hurt by one who knows so much about us. We fear, as Zechariah prophesied of Christ, that we will be “wounded in the house of [our] friends” (Zechariah 13:6).
But no marriage is really worth the name, at least not in the sense that God expects us to be married, if we do not fully invest all that we have and all that we are in this other person who has been bound to us through the power of the holy priesthood. Only when we are willing totally to share life does God find us worthy to give life. Paul’s analogy for this complete commitment was that of Christ and the Church. Could Christ, even in his most vulnerable moments in Gethsemane or Calvary, hold back? In spite of what hurt might be in it, could he fail to give all that he was and all that he had for the salvation of his bride, his church, his followers—those who would take upon them his name even as in a marriage vow?
You cannot spend your courtship playing games, manipulating your partner, and pretending to be what he or she wants, and then expect to have a marriage based on honesty. When Cathy and I interviewed bestselling author Dr. Greg Baer, he said the worst thing that could happen when you use that strategy is to succeed—because then you have to keep being something you are not forever, knowing you are not accepted for who you are but only for the mask you are wearing.
Be your best self, but for Heaven’s sake be your authentic self. That means disclosing the sensitive things in your past, the things that made you cry, the things you regret, the things you still fear, and the things you still hurt over. As you tell the truth about yourself, you encourage your partner to do the same, and you forge a bond stronger and surer than anything you could create by repeatedly high-fiving each other for your mutual amazingness.
3. Be honest about your intentions: I love the biblical story of Ruth. I like the way Ruth, even living as an impoverished widow, had the courage to approach Boaz on the threshing floor and said, “I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore thy skirt over thine handmaid” (Ruth 3:9), effectively asking Boaz to marry her. Boaz responds with gratitude and honor, receiving Ruth’s offer and her reputation for good character, saying “I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman” (Ruth 3:11). Ruth understood the importance of her relationship with Boaz and was straightforward. She didn’t start with vague and awkward questions or hints about how much she enjoyed spending time with him.While she did express gratitude for Boaz’s kindness toward her (Ruth 2:10, 13), Ruth was straightforward in letting him know her intentions. She was intentional but not aggressive.
We have seen too many dating coaches promoting manipulative “game-playing” tactics that might attract temporary attention but ultimately destroy genuine connection. Real love can’t be built on deception or fear. Love requires risk, vulnerability, and honesty. I encourage readers to stop hiding behind ambiguity or playing it safe to avoid rejection. Take the risk. Take the courageous step of being real. Vulnerability creates true connection, not pretending to be perfect or putting on a mask and making every relationship failure the other person’s fault. Finally, I urge everyone to be honest about their intentions in dating, just as Ruth was with Boaz—direct, sincere, and full of faith. Dating isn’t a game to win. It is a sacred opportunity to build lasting love grounded in truth, connection, empathy, and mutual understanding.
Resource:
Intentional Courtship can help in this journey.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
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