Parenting

When our daughter Sara was about 4 years old she observed one of our teenage foster children dusting items on the mantel. Sara was intrigued by the vase that was among those things. She asked her foster sister if she would hand her the vase. The automatic reaction was: “No! You’re too little. You’ll break it.” Naturally this response did not satisfy Sara’s interest in the vase. And it hurt her feelings.

Sara found her mother in the kitchen. Nancy was not aware of the vase discussion between Sara and her foster sister. Once again Sara made her request (in whatever words a 4 year old uses) to hold the vase. Nancy did several brilliant and relationship-building things. First, she took Sara’s hand as they headed into the living room and answered, “Sure, Sara. But did you know that vases are breakable? Would you mind climbing up on the sofa and I will bring the vase to you?” (If we have the child stand on the rock hearth while we nervously watch her handle the vase, we are only setting her up for failure.)

Sara was glad to sit on the sofa. Nancy got the vase and did another brilliant thing: she handed the vase to Sara so that she could feel its weight and texture. She had control of her experience. And Nancy did another relationship building thing: she sat by Sara and talked with her about what she saw, about the markings on the vase, about what it meant to the family. When Sara had held the vase long enough, she said, “Thanks, Mom.” And Nancy replied, “Sure, Dear. If you ever want to see the vase again, just come and get me.”

What Nancy did was more than politeness. The net effect was to strengthen a relationship and to help a little person grow in her knowledge and confidence while respecting reasonable limits.

The previous articles in this series have detailed the key processes of effective parenting:

1. Be a flourishing person: When we personally are flourishing—vibrant, happy, and connected to God—we bring a peacefulness and goodness to our relationships with our children. It also opens us up to the inspiration of heaven.

2. Have compassion: When we have heartfelt compassion for our children, we humbly seek to understand their development, individuality, circumstances, and their hearts. This prepares us to act wisely and in their best interests.

3. Nurture: When we wholeheartedly and wisely love our children, we offer them love, joy, and peace. We provide the ideal environment for them to develop toward godliness.

4. Guide: When our objective in all guidance attempts is to help our children learn to use their agency well, we help them become strong, resilient, and sensible people. We teach them to listen to their own inner voices and guide their lives by eternal principles.

We can wisely manage parenting challenges by applying these four principles. For example, consider a child who is playing happily with his toys when a neighbor child comes to ask if he can come out to play. You are fine with having the two children play together outside, but you have a rule that toys must be picked up before children go out to play. You have many options. Let’s consider how various options honor or dishonor the four principles.

You might say, “You cannot go out and play. You have not put away your toys.” That response honors lawfulness (one part of guidance) but shortchanges both compassion and nurture.

You might say, “Son, you may go outside to play if you promise to pick up your toys when you come back in.” This response seems to honor compassion and nurture but sends an unhealthy message about rules. Ignoring rules is not good evidence of love; rather it shows our own insecurity and desire to win the good will of our children.

You might say, “Son, as soon as you put your toys away, you may go outside.” This may be pretty close to a good solution—but I think it skimps on nurture. It can be stark and confrontational. The heart of nurturing is that we help children move toward goodness.

Consider the following possibility: “Would you like to go outside, Son?” This question may seem like a no-brainer. Yet, even if the child is almost certain to affirm his interest, you have shown that you are tuned in to the key question: What is your desire? Let’s assume that he expresses enthusiastic interest in going outside. You can say with equal enthusiasm: “Won’t that be fun! You start putting away the toys while I go get your shoes.”

With this option we show respect for rules and accountability, but we also show regard for our child’s heart and desires. A key point is that we add our energy in support of his interest. We might offer to help with putting away the toys or any other task that facilitates the accomplishment of the objective. However, if we are putting away the toys while the child heads for the door, we have not effectively taught responsibility. We gladly help our children, but we do not do their work for them.

You can see that all four of the core principles should be used together in combination to provide balanced and effective parenting. The Lord tells us to “see that all these things are done in wisdom and order” (Mosiah 4:27).

As Children Mature

The same principles apply to parenting teens—but the application must respect their growing maturity. For example, many years ago when our 16-year-old son, Andy, asked for permission to go to Lake Chewacla on a forthcoming Friday with his soccer-team buddies, I asked him questions and involved him as much as possible in making the decision.

“Tell me about the activity, Son.” Andy described eating, fun, and swimming.

“Do you feel good about the doings?”

“Sure, Dad. They’re good guys.”

“Is there anything that you’re worried about?”

“No.” [Long pause] “Well, some of the guys use marijuana, but I’m not interested so it won’t be a problem.”

There is a key point here. Andy has just been honest with me in disclosing some worrisome details. If I react to that information by immediately forbidding him to go, he will likely decide there is no benefit in being honest with me. In the future, he may feel the best course is to hold back any information I might not like. He may become deceptive. And then I would be continually suspicious of him. There is a better way.

“Do you see any problems with some of the guys using marijuana?”

“No. If I’m not using it, it shouldn’t be a problem.” Andy paused. “Do you see any problem, Dad?”

“Two potential problems come to mind. If the party is busted, the police may consider you to be guilty by association. Also, knowing the mischievousness of your friends, I could imagine some of them chopping marijuana up and slipping it into your salsa or brownies.”

Andy laughed. “I’ll be careful, Dad.” He clearly wanted to go.

Fortunately, Andy was asking early in the week. I invited him to think about it. We could talk about it after we both had time to reflect on the decision.

A day or two later, Andy re-opened the discussion: “Dad, I guess I don’t need to be at that party. Do you mind if I invite some of my friends to our house for food, music, and ziplining?” We were delighted to have them come. Our house became the drug-free party site.

What if Andy had thought it over and still wanted to go to the party? Parents cannot say yes to something they don’t feel good about. But even though we have to say no to the request, we can still honor the principles of effective parenting. We can have a conversation that invites our teen to share his/her perspectives and desires.

Just a side note: Nancy and I have had many foster children in our home over the years. Some of them we have allowed to go to parties where marijuana was used—even by them. The reason we let them go was not because we did not care about them. We let them go because such parties were not the beachhead for influencing them. Teens whose lives were filled with bad choices must be helped line upon line. We might start by encouraging respect for other people and good friendship choices. We are more interested in drawing them toward the light than in driving them from the darkness.

The Other Purpose of Parenting

Sometimes we focus on only one set of parenting outcomes: the effects on children. God is interested in that outcome. He is also interested in the effects on parents.

Parenting is a significant and soul-stretching challenge. God has a purpose within those challenges. He wants us as parents to be changed, refined, and enlarged even as we strive to grow our children. God knows that earthly parenting is ideal preparation for heavenly parenting. He wants us to ultimately join Him in His work of blessing His children.

Any sensible mortal will be daunted by the prospect of parenting in the way that Father does. We all fall short. We are short-sighted, impatient, narrow-minded, self-serving, and limited. We regularly fail to act wisely and graciously. Yet God teaches us the process.

In characteristic manner, God gives us an impossible task—like building a zoo ark, crossing the raging Red Sea, or strolling coolly in a fiery furnace. God likes to challenge us beyond our capacity. He keeps hoping that those types of challenges will cause us to turn to Him and draw on heavenly power. He wants us to experience His miraculous and transformative power.

If we were to paraphrase in modern terms the words of the ancient apostle Paul, who was an expert at challenges, he might have said: “I just love it when my weaknesses and inability are so conspicuous. I am thrilled when I am persecuted and tortured. It is in times of such extremity that my abundant weakness is outshone by God’s great power and goodness. Such times testify most clearly of God’s amazing ability and willingness to give me strength and to rescue His children” (paraphrase of 2 Corinthians 12:10). Godly parenting is one of many things that is impossible for humans on their own, but is fully possible in partnership with God (see Matthew 19:26).

God Provided Instructions

Behold I say unto you that this thing shall ye teach—repentance and baptism unto those who are accountable and capable of committing sin; yea, teach parents that they must repent and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little children, and they shall all be saved with their little children. (Moroni 8:10)

What a remarkable passage! God is teaching us that we must repent, be humble, and make covenants with God so that both we and our children can be saved. In other words, we cannot succeed in parenting without the spiritual processes He has taught from the beginning of time.

What does this repenting and humbling ourselves look like? My guess is that you remember times when you have been especially earnest and humble, when you have set aside frustration and sought the mind and will of God. As you make Heavenly Father your partner in this sacred task, you will find joy in parenting.

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