Ideas and Society

When I watch the news, scroll through social media or listen to politics there seems to be a steady stream of opinions circulating about what our rights are, who is trying to take them away, and, most importantly, who is to blame.

This attitude is not only pervasive, but also contagious, and catching fast. Democrats blaming Republicans and vice versa, men and women hating each other, broken marriages, families being torn from their roots, boundaries, women angry at their children, children angry at their parents, racism, and divisiveness in almost every way you can imagine.

And at the root of it all is a quest to make it all fair, to distance us from those who we perceive to be our enemies and to stand against those we believe need to be stood up to.

While  we think our intentions are noble, we are isolating ourselves in a dangerous way, In fact, a landmark study published by BMC Medicine in November of 2023, reported that people who do not socialize with friends or family may see their risk of dying early increase by 39% (Foster et al, 2023). That is not a statistic to shy away from or ignore.

If we cut off everyone who ever offends us, disagrees with us or doesn’t validate every opinion that we hold, we will become an isolated people, living in silent and empty echo chambers that offer neither the comfort of truly knowing each other nor, the pushback that is necessary for growth and development.

A friend of mine called me a few days ago to interview me for a college paper about marriage. She asked me why I thought so many marriages were failing. No one thing is responsible for the separation of so many unions, but I am sure that one of the biggest reasons people don’t stay together is because they expect it to be easy, and it’s not.

It’s not easy to live with other people. It’s not easy to have other people’s choices affect our lives, to disagree. It is not easy to be one, but it is a heck of a lot easier than living alone. When we decide to distance ourselves from anything or anyone that challenges us, we forget the disastrous consequences of such an act. The answer to our society’s ills is not to rid ourselves of the inconveniences that relationships bring, but to immerse ourselves even more fully in “the bonds that make us free”. We have to understand that although the price we pay for companionship is high, the price of bitterness and isolation is so much higher.

I worry that the current temperature of our country, perhaps the whole world, is headed towards division, not unity. In our families, we have to do the heavy lifting that relationships require, that of forgiveness, loyalty, commitment and putting others ahead of ourselves.

We must do the heavy lifting of learning to disagree better, not distancing ourselves from anyone who may disagree. This doesn’t mean we give up our opinions all together, our allegiance is to God and his truth first, then each other, then our country.

I believe the best way of illustrating what I mean by disagreeing better is by telling you about one of my friends, Sule.

I grew up Christian all of my life, as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know what it is like to have others misunderstand or misrepresent my beliefs, and yet, because I grew up in Utah, I was partially shielded from living with others who disagreed because in Utah, the majority shared my religious beliefs. However, the year I turned 17, I volunteered our family to host an exchange student from Belgium who is Muslim. She too, understood what it was like to have others criticize her beliefs. We were told she did not eat meat, but other than that she was much like me.

I liked her the moment I met her. Her English is almost better than mine, and she was so polite and kind, and deeply intelligent. I only spent a few weeks with her and yet I felt I had known her all my life by the time she left. Of course she was curious about my beliefs too. My brother gifted her a Book of Mormon, and we brought her to see our temple open house. She was nothing but kind and supportive of our religion, and she attended church with us. We developed a deep respect for one another’s convictions.

I asked her about her beliefs and was surprised to find many differences, some of them very fundamental to what I had believed all my life. And yet, she was such a good person, I knew there was good in what she believed. She too, expressed that she was very impressed by what our family believed and wanted to learn more.

I later had the privilege of staying with her family in Belgium and have come to love them deeply. I know that we have influenced each other and remain good friends to this day. She wrote me my entire mission.

We disagree, and yet, it did not deter us from becoming good friends and learning from each other. Of course, religion matters deeply to me, and I have discovered sacred truths that I am anxious to share whenever I can, but I am unable to share with people who I do not love. Besides that, no one person has all the answers. I do not think it is a coincidence that God has commanded us to be one with one another despite our differences.

When Christ visited the Nephites, they too had arguments about religion. He seemed less concerned about their individual opinions and more concerned about their unity. He said,

And there shall be no disputations among you, as there have hitherto been; neither shall there be disputations among you concerning the points of my doctrine, as there have hitherto been.

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away. (3 Nephi 11:28–30)

In 4 Nephi 1:15 we learn that,

….it came to pass that there was no contention among all the people, in all the land; but there were mighty miracles wrought among the disciples of Jesus.

I wonder if having no contention may have been a necessary catalyst for the miracles that later occurred, or if that was simply one of the miracles. It certainly brought joy and prosperity. I’m sure the people still had differences of opinions, and that they had to work very hard to see one another the way God saw them, but because of the love of God that was in their hearts, even this was possible.

President Nelson has counseled

Differences of opinion are part of life. I work daily with people who sometimes see an issue differently. My two noble counselors, Dallin H. Oaks and Henry B. Eyring have taught me how to disagree in a Christlike way. Over the last five years of working together, we haven’t always agreed. Still, they know I want to hear their honest feelings about everything we discuss—especially sensitive issues.

From their examples, I have learned six ways to disagree:

Express feelings with love.

Don’t think you know best.

Don’t compete.

Don’t rigorously defend your position.

Let the Spirit guide your conversations.

Be filled with charity, the pure love of Christ.

Charity is the antidote to contention. It is the principal characteristic of a true follower of Jesus Christ. Charity defines a peacemaker.”

We need each other.

In every civilization since the beginning of time we have needed each other.

The Declaration of Independence states that we have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I argue that without each other we will have neither life, liberty nor any happiness to pursue. There is no happiness to be found outside of human relationships and there are no relationships without conflict. And furthermore, there is no relationship more important than family bonds, which run deeper and give us a better chance for happiness than any other relationship can- because it requires us to become one.

We must not kid ourselves into thinking that public life, politics or likes on Instagram can substitute for the depth of meaningful friendship- which comes with a price of both commitment and the growth that relationships require- a gift which staying power grants us and leaving never will.

It makes me sad that so many women are worried about babies that may come and ruin their lives. It is hard to be a parent, hard to love someone so much and to be responsible for taking care of someone so vulnerable. But this country will not destroy its women by depriving them of the right to an abortion, it will destroy itself by demanding that it is our right to sever ourselves so completely and prematurely to anyone who we are connected to so completely. It is already the case that it is easier to walk away from a marriage now than it has ever been in the history of the world. If we make our bonds to our future generations so weak that we can sever them at will with no consequence and nobody to be responsible to but ourselves, we will dig ourselves a pit of selfishness and immorality so deep that we will destroy our ability to love. We are not better off without commitment to one another and responsibility to care for and sacrifice for one another. We are not more noble if we purposely free ourselves from the love that creates life. Happiness and prosperity do not come from self-preservation and the endless pursuit of what one person believes are their “rights”- but from putting others first and taking on the responsibilities of making others happy.

I don’t understand everything there is about relationships or what it takes to create the kind of unity God asks us to, but I believe that a step in the right direction is to put God in the center of it all and seek to understand better what it truly means to love our neighbor.

“And blessed are all the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God.” 3 Nephi 12:9

References:

Foster, H.M.E., Gill, J.M.R., Mair, F.S. et al. Social connection and mortality in UK Biobank: a prospective cohort analysis. BMC Med 21, 384 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12916-023-03055-7

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-americans-are-lonelier