One of my favorite lines in cinema occurs when Buddy the Elf is in the doctor’s office and he announces, “I am a human, raised by elves.” The little girl next to him responds nonchalantly, “I am a human raised by humans.” This simple truth, “I am a human, raised by humans,” has helped hundreds of my clients who came into my office plagued with a sense of inadequacy.
Nature and Nurture
As psychotherapists we often look to nature and/or nurture to explain behavior. Nature represents our human condition, the characteristics we were born with, such as a fiery temperament, or overwhelming shyness. Nurture represents the personality traits we develop, in large part because of the humans who raised us.
It is frequently possible to trace human behavior back to nature or nurture. Mothers will insist that an individual child was “born that way” (defiant or compliant, shy or outgoing). Indeed, children in the same family can be so different, it is naïve to ignore the fact that we are born with individual differences.
Science has also proven that nurture, or the humans who raised us, can influence our character beginning very early in life. The rapidity with which a mother attends to a child’s needs will influence his character. Birth order influences character. The way a child is disciplined influences his character. Our parents likely made some mistakes when raising us. They are human too. One friend joked with her children, “Sorry if I messed you up. I’ll pay for your therapy when you’re grown.”
People like to speculate about what has the greatest influence on behavior, nature or nurture? There is no universal ruling that answers this question. Experts generally agree it is a combination of both. Regardless of whether it is our nature or nurture that influences behavior, it is enlightening to become aware of the things beyond our control that influence our behavior.
Who’s at Fault?
When trying to forgive oneself for poor behavior, it is entirely possible to trace the root of the behavior to either our human condition, or our human parents or both. Consider the girl who breaks the law of chastity because she is naturally compliant and too nice to say “no.” We might want to blame this sin on “nature.” Consider the three-year-old child who was taught to crawl into a doggie door and unlock the dead bolt so her parents could rob a house. She grows up believing it’s okay to steal. This belief could be attributed to “nurture.”
A myriad of other examples could demonstrate why people do what they do. In every example we could explain behavior by pointing to something over which the culprit had no control. We have no control over what characteristics we are born with. We have no control over the way our parents raised us. We are at the mercy of many external forces. Were it not for these external forces or were they just a little bit different—different nature, different nurture—we might make completely different decisions, and perhaps sin in a completely different way, or not at all.
Recognizing that so much of our behavior is literally not our fault, but the fault of nature or nurture often enables people to have compassion for themselves. Once I told a client, “If I had been through what you have been through, I might have done the same thing you have done.” She burst into tears. She felt understood. She felt vindicated.
If we look carefully enough it is possible to abdicate responsibility for practically every decision we make or action we take. We essentially have something or someone to “blame” for our bad choices. This ability can be a good thing or a bad thing. When it helps us forgive ourselves it is good to remember that we are humans raised by humans. However, the fact that there are sound explanations for our behavior cannot remove the responsibility to change.
Therefore, What?
Understanding what we cannot control is often the first step toward taking responsibility for what we can control. We no longer need to wallow in guilt or blame. We can focus on change. “Okay that stinks. I drew the short straw. Bad genetics. Poor parenting. Whatever. Now I’m going to do something about it.”
Our grandson has Spina Bifida. It is not his fault. It is nobody’s fault. It just is. Does that mean he will go through life in a wheelchair, making excuses for why he can’t walk? Of course not. He will struggle. He will struggle more than those without this condition. It will be difficult, and there will be things he can’t do, but he will do everything he can do to overcome the condition that he was born with, the condition that is not his fault because he wants to progress.
Likewise, we all have character traits that we were born with that are not our fault. We also have tendencies that are the result of parenting that are not our fault. However, that doesn’t mean we will use them as excuses, going through life refusing to progress because we drew a short straw. We will work to overcome the natural man, the human in us. We will be gentle with ourselves and choose to change because we can. Of all things that we can’t control, choosing to change is something we can control. True, we were born human, and we were raised by humans, but we were also born with agency, and it is both a responsibility and a privilege to use it.
JeaNette Goates Smith is a retired Marriage and Family Therapist living in North Florida. She and her husband, Bret, served as mission leaders in the Dominican Republic from 2017-2020. For more information about her books on family relationships go to www.smithfamilytherapy.org
