Cathy and I often advise those who have been through a traumatic relationship loss to take some time to heal before venturing back out into the dating world. Sometimes, I think we might have overdone this teaching.
We recently attended weddings for two middle aged couples, both of whom had done a lot of intentional healing work and a lot of intentional dating. They were both active in mid-singles groups that oriented toward personal development like Love in Later Years. They each chose partners who were committed to personal development. I believe both couples will beat the odds and have lasting marriages.
During our mid-single years and the years since as we have worked in the mid-single community, we have noticed that those who are moving on, remarrying, and rebuilding their lives are the ones affirmatively working on healing, putting themselves out there and making an effort.
While it is important to give yourself some time to heal, there are a couple of common ideas among mid-singles which I think are not serving us very well:
- “I am just working on me.” Sometimes the idea that I am just working on myself is a convenient excuse I tell myself to avoid risking my heart. In the beginning, when you are very raw and cannot get through a conversation without bringing up your former spouse, it is probably best to hold off and give yourself some time to heal. After a year or two, if you are still blaming your former spouse and talking about him or her to anyone and everyone who will listen, you are not working on yourself nor healing. Working on myself does not mean passively waiting and staying stuck in bitterness. It means reading books, having counseling, affirmatively seeking greater understanding of ourselves and our unhealthy relationship patterns, being self-reflective, accepting what is, and intentionally deciding who we want to be going forward. This is harder than dating because it requires us to self-confront even more.
- “It will happen in the Lord’s time.” While it is literally true that marriage will happen only in the Lord’s time and we need to be patient; this does not mean we need to be passive. The Lord cannot guide your footsteps if you are standing still or, as Dr. Brent Barlow was fond of saying, “God cannot steer a parked car.” Again, the people I see moving on to happy marriages are the people affirmatively self-confronting, working on their own approach to life, and making affirmative efforts to date great people and to be great people. I have generally not seen people move on who are passively waiting for the Lord to drop something in their lap. Zig Ziglar famously said that “success is where preparation meets opportunity.” It is up to the Lord to deliver the opportunity. But it is up to you to prepare for it, and even to seek it (See Matthew 7:7).
When we get right down to it, the biggest barrier in the way of our happiness is fear. Fear not only steals our happiness directly, but it prevents us from moving forward into uncharted territory. It prevents us from being vulnerable and taking emotional risks, which is essential to create connection.
While I definitely recommend taking some time for healing after divorce or the death of a loved one or even a serious break-up, I do not want to overdo this advice. I would not be serving you by doing so. The first step to breaking out of the prison of complacency is to admit to yourself and to others what you really want. Don’t just say “it would be nice.” Don’t just say “if the Lord drops someone in my lap, I won’t complain.” If you want the blessing of marriage, you need to admit it to yourself and to others. The second step is to radically accept the discomfort and even fear associated with taking emotional risks. If you wait until you are no longer afraid, you will wait forever. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is moving forward even while feeling fear.
About the Author
Jeff Teichert and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint mid-singles seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships; and the authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and draw on this experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples. Jeff and Cathy are both certified life coaches and have university degrees in Family Science. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons and one lovely daughter-in-law.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book at: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09KMXXJN7?ref_=pe_3052080_276849420
You can connect with Jeff & Cathy at:
Website: www.loveinlateryears.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
Email:
lo**************@gm***.com
