Jesus said His disciples would know the truth, and “the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32). Jesus said that the truth would liberate them from being servants of sin (John 8:34). Whether we are in bondage to our own sins or stuck in trauma resulting from the sins of others, the remedy is redemption through the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is putting the past behind us and refusing to let it hurt us anymore. It is forgiving ourselves for the ways we have hurt others and letting go of the ways others may have hurt us. It is even letting go of the ways in which we may have hurt ourselves as we’ve navigated through our earthly journeys.
Sometimes this process of “letting go” is easier said than done. Gratefully there are a wide variety of therapeutic modalities that can help to release trauma including EMDR, ART, and EFT. These and other therapies must be accompanied by a firm resolution to free yourself from your abuser. We also believe any form of therapy is most effective when we seek healing from our Savior and develop a firm reliance on strength that only God can give.
In Jacob 3, the Prophet Jacob addressed a group of men who had hurt and betrayed their wives and children and remarked that, “many hearts died, pierced with deep wounds” (Jacob 2:35). To those who had been hurt and betrayed, Jacob said:
I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever (Jacob 3:1-2) (emphasis added).
Many who have been divorced have experienced heartbreak, betrayal, and loss. The prophet counseled them to look to God with “firmness of mind” and “exceeding faith.” Firmness of mind suggests the idea of steadfast faith, steadiness, and a firm reliance on the Lord’s promises—even in times of great adversity when we have been hurt and betrayed by those who should have loved us most. It is receiving supernatural strength from our Father in Heaven in the refiner’s fire, rather than living our lives on an emotional roller coaster. In the next chapter, Jacob expressed his worry that he may “get shaken from my firmness in the Spirit, and stumble because of my over anxiety for you” (Jacob 4:18). Anxiety over things we cannot control (including the decisions of other people) can cause us to lose our firmness in the Spirit. Our firmness in faith is the thing that sustains us, even in times of heartache and pain.
Jacob also counseled the pure in heart to “lift up your heads,” much like the angel told Alma to “lift up thy head” when he was “weighed down with sorrow, wading through much tribulation and anguish of soul, because of the wickedness of the people who were in the city of Ammonihah” (Alma 8:14-15). Lifting up your head is the opposite of sitting with shoulders slumped, head down, in a weak and defeated body position. Alma had been shaken from his firmness in the Spirit because of his over-anxiety about things he had no control over—including the choices of the people of Ammonihah. Many of us have allowed all of our strength to be sapped stewing about the unwise or unrighteous choices made by our former spouses. That is natural, understandable and, perhaps at first, it helps divorcees to release trauma. But it is an easy place to get stuck and that is enormously unhealthy.
What can we do? We can lift up our heads, square our shoulders, and move forward with strength—even in the midst of grief and pain. We can focus on having “firmness of mind.” We can focus on things we have control over, as the angel said to Alma, “lift up thy head and rejoice, for thou hast great cause to rejoice; for thou hast been faithful in keeping the commandments of God from the time which thou receivedst thy first message from him” (Alma 8:15). The Angel asked Alma to focus on having joy in the things he had control over—his own actions. Despite opposition and rejection, Alma had been faithful, and that gave him great cause to rejoice regardless of the less worthy choices of others.
In saying all of this, I am not recommending self-righteousness or judging others, or any excessive focus on the actions of other people. Whether we focus on other people’s judgment of us or their personal mistakes, we are moving our attention from the things we can control to the agency of others—which we cannot control. When we focus on things we cannot control, we feel powerless and confined. When we focus on our own choices, we feel empowered and free.
Because our very existence is based on agency (Doctrine & Covenants 93:30), sometimes we are going to suffer because of the unwelcome choices of others. Our suffering and even broken marriages do not mean the plan of God has been thwarted. Nothing we have suffered has come as a surprise to Him. True freedom comes from truth, and that means letting go of the need to focus on the decisions of others, honoring their agency, lifting up our heads, keeping our minds firm, looking to God with exceeding faith, and trusting in His promises.
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About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and a sweet baby granddaughter.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
Discover 6-Steps to recover from divorce and design a life you love with Jeff & Cathy’s “Life Design After Divorce” 12-week COURSE. Register here: lilywebinars.com/order-page
Connect with Jeff & Cathy:
Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/loveinlateryears
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
Instagram: http://instagram.com/loveinlateryears/
Email:
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