This describes my husband to a T. I do not share anything about my concerns or challenges anymore because he hears it as criticism of him, no matter how softly i approach the subject (and yes, I'm a dedicated student of Gottman!). I don't want him to take that guilt/shame on, so I deal with my life on my own. He cannot receive a compliment without turning it into a criticism--and this is a VERY accomplished, wonderful man who is often given awards by his peers (which he throws away). It is so sad--especially because the shame he lives in distances him from the people who love him. I know he would like things to be different, but it seems to be impossible for him not to go into defensive mode and keep us all at arms length. I've tried to encourage therapy, but he sees that as just someone else who would tell him what a failure he is. Argh. Should I be surprised that two of our children are studying to become therapists and another is married to a therapist?!!
DBApril 10, 2019
I'm so grateful that my father had the Christ-like grace to listen lovingly to the frustrations my mum would verbalise to him, without retaliation or putting up a mirror to her or making her feel less. He was a true leader who loved her, and told us children to love her despite the imperfections of her communication style. He was more concerned about focusing on the issue and the other person than on the way that came about.
GrandpaApril 5, 2019
This is probably the best reply you have ever written for this column. A delicate but honest reply. My mother used to say that a discussion between marriage partners is all about how you present yourself, and this reply is as well-presented as my mother when she was determined to defuse a tense situation.
As a man whose wife actively employed all ten of the negative communications techniques listed as questions in your reply through the first twenty years of our marriage, my natural instinct was to instantly side with the husband on this one. The only way I was able to teach my dear wife to use better communications techniques was to stop being a gentleman and talk to her how she talked to me. When she accused me of being a bully, I told her she'd been the bully for twenty years, so now it was my turn. It was rough for a few years, but we're getting there.
If you want a man to open up and talk to you, especially about things like feelings, you have to occasionally make the conversation about something other than yourself. You have to understand that a man sharing his feelings or talking about your feelings is a very rare and should-be-treasured moment. My mother called it a sacred moment when Dad would do so, and she treated it as such.
You have to listen to him with your mouth shut. Don't correct him -- he knows his feelings far better than anyone else. Saying something foolish like "I know how you feel" and "that's not what you think" tells your husband you're a liar or a fool, and trust is gone. Correcting him about his feelings is the very-same-thing as calling him a Lair, and that's also a conversation ender. He trusted you with his feelings, and then you belittled them. Trust is lost.
Many men detest being analyzed or being forced to analyze the way many women like to analyze themselves and those around them. Forcing him to do is effectively a mental assault on the most private, sacred center of his being, and it's being forced on him by someone they are supposed to love and trust, and they will attack back to protect themselves. And then they will never trust you with their feelings again.
Men are not women, and women aren't men. Men are NEVER going to talk about themselves or about their wife the way their wife wants them to. It just isn't in their make-up; God did not create men to do so. Forcing them to do so against their will only creates a fight and will destroy the very trust you think you are building by forcing him to do what you want. In his eyes you are an abuser.
I go back to what my mother taught us: a discussion between marriage partners is all about how you present yourself, and my mother knew, because she could sweet talk any conversation she wanted out of my ever-macho Dad by respecting what he said, by not correcting him, by not belittling him for having the wrong feelings, and by showing gratitude that he trusted her enough to share it. And then she never betrayed that trust - she never repeated a word of it to anyone. He knew that she never shared a word that he didn't want shared. And by doing all this, Dad in turn WANTED to hear Mom's feelings, and then they could work on their feelings together.
Mom knew that a wife hearing her husband's feelings is not a right -- it's a privilege she has to earn through trust and love and respect.
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KateApril 10, 2019
This describes my husband to a T. I do not share anything about my concerns or challenges anymore because he hears it as criticism of him, no matter how softly i approach the subject (and yes, I'm a dedicated student of Gottman!). I don't want him to take that guilt/shame on, so I deal with my life on my own. He cannot receive a compliment without turning it into a criticism--and this is a VERY accomplished, wonderful man who is often given awards by his peers (which he throws away). It is so sad--especially because the shame he lives in distances him from the people who love him. I know he would like things to be different, but it seems to be impossible for him not to go into defensive mode and keep us all at arms length. I've tried to encourage therapy, but he sees that as just someone else who would tell him what a failure he is. Argh. Should I be surprised that two of our children are studying to become therapists and another is married to a therapist?!!
DBApril 10, 2019
I'm so grateful that my father had the Christ-like grace to listen lovingly to the frustrations my mum would verbalise to him, without retaliation or putting up a mirror to her or making her feel less. He was a true leader who loved her, and told us children to love her despite the imperfections of her communication style. He was more concerned about focusing on the issue and the other person than on the way that came about.
GrandpaApril 5, 2019
This is probably the best reply you have ever written for this column. A delicate but honest reply. My mother used to say that a discussion between marriage partners is all about how you present yourself, and this reply is as well-presented as my mother when she was determined to defuse a tense situation. As a man whose wife actively employed all ten of the negative communications techniques listed as questions in your reply through the first twenty years of our marriage, my natural instinct was to instantly side with the husband on this one. The only way I was able to teach my dear wife to use better communications techniques was to stop being a gentleman and talk to her how she talked to me. When she accused me of being a bully, I told her she'd been the bully for twenty years, so now it was my turn. It was rough for a few years, but we're getting there. If you want a man to open up and talk to you, especially about things like feelings, you have to occasionally make the conversation about something other than yourself. You have to understand that a man sharing his feelings or talking about your feelings is a very rare and should-be-treasured moment. My mother called it a sacred moment when Dad would do so, and she treated it as such. You have to listen to him with your mouth shut. Don't correct him -- he knows his feelings far better than anyone else. Saying something foolish like "I know how you feel" and "that's not what you think" tells your husband you're a liar or a fool, and trust is gone. Correcting him about his feelings is the very-same-thing as calling him a Lair, and that's also a conversation ender. He trusted you with his feelings, and then you belittled them. Trust is lost. Many men detest being analyzed or being forced to analyze the way many women like to analyze themselves and those around them. Forcing him to do is effectively a mental assault on the most private, sacred center of his being, and it's being forced on him by someone they are supposed to love and trust, and they will attack back to protect themselves. And then they will never trust you with their feelings again. Men are not women, and women aren't men. Men are NEVER going to talk about themselves or about their wife the way their wife wants them to. It just isn't in their make-up; God did not create men to do so. Forcing them to do so against their will only creates a fight and will destroy the very trust you think you are building by forcing him to do what you want. In his eyes you are an abuser. I go back to what my mother taught us: a discussion between marriage partners is all about how you present yourself, and my mother knew, because she could sweet talk any conversation she wanted out of my ever-macho Dad by respecting what he said, by not correcting him, by not belittling him for having the wrong feelings, and by showing gratitude that he trusted her enough to share it. And then she never betrayed that trust - she never repeated a word of it to anyone. He knew that she never shared a word that he didn't want shared. And by doing all this, Dad in turn WANTED to hear Mom's feelings, and then they could work on their feelings together. Mom knew that a wife hearing her husband's feelings is not a right -- it's a privilege she has to earn through trust and love and respect.
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