It’s time for a new topic this week, but there are some administrative things to deal with first. There are also a few last letters on the subject of forgiveness that I want to share with all of you.
First, I’m getting letters from readers who have tried to post comments on the new comments-posting feature, but are getting error messages. That is because they are too long. We want your comments for Circle to come directly to me**************@ao*.com. There’s one problem solved!
A bigger problem is that a lot of people have been trying to send email to me, and did not get an error message, but their emails haven’t reached me. The reason I know this is that some people have persisted and found my real email address and sent me copies of the letters I hadn’t received previously.
People, right now I have answered every single email I have received from a reader since the new Meridian was launched. If you haven’t received an email from me, it’s because I didn’t get your letter! Once again, the only solution I know is to send email to me at me**************@ao*.com, rather than using the new comments-posting feature.
Second, we’re running short on column topics. If you’ve got a thorny problem of your own you’d like to see discussed in Circle, please send your suggestions to that same address: me**************@ao*.com. In both cases, please put something in the subject line to let me know your letter isn’t spam.
Now I have a few more great letters on the forgiveness front. Without further ado, here they are:
I resonated deeply with the anguish of your betrayal. I’m still learning to forgive. Here are some things that helped me which I hope may also help you on your journey.
- Experiences like this allow us to understand Christ’s suffering in a way we might not have otherwise. Ponder how he suffered not only your deepest grief, but the grief of all the rest of creation. It becomes clearer why this anguish was so great that it caused him to bleed from every pore in Gethsemane.
- Through these experiences, we also learn more about the scope of the atonement. When someone sins, the sin virtually always affects others, sometimes extensively (as you can attest). The atonement can pay for this sin and heal the damage. Usually we think of this payment as being on behalf of the one who sins, conditioned upon the sinner’s repentance. But I came to realize that a key part of this payment is also healing and full restitution to the one sinned against. And that healing is conditioned upon our forgiveness.
So in light of the atonement, forgiveness isn’t saying the sin wasn’t bad or that damage wasn’t done; rather, it is accepting the Lord’s payment for that damage. It is relinquishing our own claims and letting the Lord take over the debt, knowing he will deal with it in the very best way, and also knowing he has promised to give us restitution with interest. (See, for example, D&C 98.)
- Like the people of King Benjamin, ask specifically in prayer for the atonement to be applied to your situation and to your broken heart (see Mosiah 4:2). This type of prayer is powerful.
- Study uplifting, Christ-centered books and talks that give practical ideas for forgiveness. One that helped me the most is I, the Lord, Have Seen Thy Sorrow by Ruth Davidson. Though it deals specifically with marital infidelity, I think it would help in dealing with any kind of betrayal. Conference talks by Elder Richard G. Scott are also very helpful.
- This quote from Joseph Smith gave me strength repeatedly: “Should we even forgive our brother, or even our enemy, before he repent or ask forgiveness, our heavenly Father would be equally as merciful unto us” (History of the Church, 3:383). I’m keenly aware of how much I need the Savior’s forgiveness for my own sins. These words helpfully detach my forgiveness from the offender’s repentance. I can forgive regardless of his or her action — or inaction.
- Encouragement also came from considering the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant (Matt 18:21 – 35), and the Lord’s statement in D&C 64:9 that unforgiveness is the greater sin. To clarify, this last scripture doesn’t motivate me out of guilt, but rather out of love for the Savior and appreciation for his sacrifice. When he says unforgiveness is the worse sin, I believe that’s because ultimately it shows doubt in the Lord’s atonement rather than faith and acceptance.
- Go to the temple as often as you can, and pray for healing there. We learn in the New Testament that the afflicted came to the Lord in the temple, and “he healed them.” (Matt 21:14). I continue to be amazed at the power, blessings, and miracles that flow from regular temple attendance.
- Focus on gratitude, which comes close to being a cure-all. Sometimes we have to start with the “sacrifice of praise” — expressing gratitude even when we don’t feel particularly grateful, nor at all joyful. But by making that sacrifice and thanking the Lord in all things (D&C 59:7) — even in anguish so deep we can hardly see straight — peace comes.
- Finally, don’t expect healing overnight, but, as I heard a wise bishop say to grieving parents at a funeral, keep a place open in your heart for healing when it comes.
I pray the Lord will bless you in your journey!
Kathy Grant
Draper, Utah
What a profound letter, Kathy! Although different points will resonate with different readers, the point that struck me most was your second one, where you talked about the Lord “taking over the debt.” Once, after I had been deeply wounded in a financial sense, I was promised in a priesthood blessing that “nothing will be withheld from you that was yours.” I am still waiting for the fulfillment of that blessing, but I have absolute faith that it’s going to happen, and it’s still a great comfort to me.
“I was sexually abused as a child by two family members. As well, my temple marriage of fourteen years fell apart when I found out my husband was unfaithful. Forgiving these men who had hurt me seemed insurmountable until a friend showed me the key to forgiving others — knowing that Heavenly Father had already mercifully forgiven me of all my sins.
I learned that because of what God has done for me, I can afford to forgive others since I have been so richly blessed with forgiveness first. All I had to do was follow the example of my Father in Heaven and Jesus.
I was shocked when I realized that this important key to forgiving others was taught in the Bible. Jesus told us that the unmerciful servant was expected to forgive those indebted to him — after his entire debt had first been canceled! (Mat 18).
It is hard to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it. But all of our sins have already been forgiven — even though we don’t deserve it. Forgiveness is an unfair concept. But, Heavenly Father isn’t fair. Instead of punishing those who deserve it, His son took our sins. Jesus’ blood has covered our every sin. (Revelation 1:5)
Now when I feel someone has treated me unfairly I turn to scripture as a reminder of my forgiving
God’s example: “forgiving one another even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
” (Eph 4:32) And the example of Jesus “forgiving one another…even as Christ forgave you” (Col 3:13)
LatterDaySaintWoman at WordPress
You’re right, LDSW. Forgiveness is easier said than done, but we’re all in the process of being forgiven for the sins we commit every day — even the ones we don’t yet realize we’re committing.
Loved what you said about forgiveness being an unfair concept. That’s really something to think about.
Forgiving deep hurts is quite possibly the most difficult, soul-stretching, divine, sweet experience of our mortal lives. I am convinced, from my own personal experiences and through the quiet whisperings of the Holy Ghost, that forgiving is the most Christ-like thing we will ever be asked to do. Jesus Christ’s whole life was about forgiveness, and emulating Him in this sacred challenge will ultimately bring us great joy as we become more like him.
In my own Gethsemane of anguish I have learned several truths, which I pray will help you and any others struggling to find peace in the midst of despair.
1. I am a child of God, and He loves me, and He loves those who hurt me. When I sit quietly with this truth, it washes peace over my troubled spirit and helps me to see things from a different perspective. That peace sometimes seems elusive, much like trying to grasp mist in my hands, but when I know that I can be more patient with myself, and with those who have caused me hurt. I can’t allow myself to speak unkindly about them; I can’t even allow myself to think unkind thoughts about them. I have to trust Heavenly Father and His love for all of us.
2. Finding that peace takes time. Early one morning as I sobbed out my hurt and sorrow to my Heavenly Father, I was so confused. I wondered why the forgiving part seemed to be taking so long (this was only a few months after my trial began). I had fasted sincerely, prayed deeply, studied and searched the scriptures and words our prophets and apostles, attended the temple, received priesthood blessings. And still I felt I wasn’t getting any closer to that elusive peace. But the Lord answered my prayer with these words, “When you had a broken leg you didn’t get angry with yourself because it took time to heal. You have suffered a broken heart and it will take time to heal. But it will heal. Be kind to yourself and be patient.”
3. The scriptures are a source of balm to my troubled spirit. Since our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are the ultimate authors of these divine words, they are like letters from them to us; so many scriptures seem so relevant to me now. I find great peace in memorizing special scriptures and reciting them when I am reminded of my hurts. They remind me that someone who did no wrong, who committed no sin, knows my sorrow and already suffered it, so that I don’t have to when I turn to Him.
4. I am never alone. One particularly difficult day I took a walk on a quiet trail and sat and wept. I felt so alone. I felt like I needed more comfort from my friends and ward members than they had given. I knew that they didn’t know what to say, but I really desperately needed to know that I wasn’t alone in this trial. What I felt like I needed were reminders that I was a good person, that others still loved me, and that I had blessed their lives in the past and was important to them. I went to my mailbox hoping for a note, a card; just some indication that someone loved me. But every day it was empty. I yearned for a hug from someone — anyone — to tell me I was loved. So I pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me understand why. I needed to know why He hadn’t prompted someone to help me. And He answered that He had, but they hadn’t listened. I am not criticizing anyone; I understand that they did not know what to say. But the really important part of this experience is what the Lord then taught me; I didn’t need letters from people telling me how much I was loved when I had a patriarchal blessing from my Heavenly Father who knows me better and loves me more than anyone. And I didn’t need a hug when I had the Spirit to embrace me.
5. I love this talk by S Michael Wilcox “When My Prayers Seem Unanswered.” He talks about forgiving his father and that the Lord blessed him with that divine gift when the time was right in his life.
6. Finally, this talk my Elder Jeffrey R. Holland had a profound effect on me. Read it here.
By walking through this “valley of the shadow of death,” I have learned, as you will, that He really is our Savior. He is our comfort, our help, and our Lord. May you find that strength and feel that joy in the knowledge that you are His. And may this knowledge give you the faith to forgive.
Charity
I am so sorry that nobody listened to the promptings to show you that you were loved, Charity. I can only imagine that your feelings of abandonment are going to make you more sensitive than most of us to those promptings when you receive them about others.
Readers, you may want to know that the talk Charity recommended, “When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered,” has been turned into a book. You can buy it here.
For what it’s worth, S. Michael Wilcox is the author of the most moving talk I have ever read, “Bread or Stones: Understanding the God We Pray To.” I’ve probably recommended it here before, but if you haven’t read it yet, you can do so by clicking here.
Our final letter on this topic comes from a licensed clinical counselor who read the letters on forgiveness and was impressed with everyone’s advice. Here’s what she had to say:
Just wanted to drop you a quick line and tell you that everyone did an awesome job handling the topic of forgiveness. You included real examples and didn’t skirt the grittier consequences of hurt, betrayal and baggage that come from abuse. Those are real components of abusive experiences and the readers just did a fantastic job of not re-victimizing the victim by shoving “you must forgive the transgressor” down their throats.
It takes spiritual maturity to realize that grudges are just harming the victim, and that comes in time — healing is a process. I could go on and on; honestly, the readers did a superb job in addressing the painful reality of being wounded in this life by the actions of others and often by ourselves.
Forgiveness is a living principle that exists even into the next millennium, into eternity.
There are layers and levels of it one goes through in the process of getting rid of the insidious consequences of abuse, and your articles offered real peace and real hope in that process.
Holly
Thanks for your comments, Holly. I’ve come to terms with forgiving the people who have done hard things to me, but it had to be done in my time. I don’t think it would have happened if someone had told me I had to do it now, so I try to extend the same consideration to others. It appears that the Meridian readers who responded in this thread have reached the same conclusion.
I liked what you said about forgiveness being an eternal principle that doesn’t have a close-off date. Your letter was a great reminder that everyone forgives on his own timetable, and that the act of forgiveness is what’s important — not that forgiveness be done immediately.
Now let’s get on to today’s subject. It comes from an ex-Navy man, so you can probably imagine he has an excellent vocabulary to be worried about:
As ex-Navy, I learnt to swear with the best of them and of course, as a Church member, wish to stop swearing. I have found that I have substituted another word for a swearing word. I was fine with that until recently. To me, substituting just hides the fact that I am swearing because I know what the substituted word really means. I would welcome help from your readers and any thoughts they might have on the subject.
David Mohr
Victoria, British Columbia
David, I confess this is an issue for me as well. I grew up in a nonmember family, and after my parents died I remarked to one of my mother’s friends that I was surprised I never heard a dirty word come out of her mouth. The friend was appalled. Apparently my mother swore like, well, a sailor. (No offense to you, David; it was the way the friend described it to me.)
The friend went on to tell me that the reason I never heard my parents swear was that when I was a baby, the first word out of my mouth was a four-letter word. My parents were so appalled that they quit swearing cold-turkey — at least, in my presence. However, I think I may have inherited the tendency. Although I never, ever utter a profanity (use the Lord’s name in vain), I have to confess having used obscenities in my long and checkered life.
Readers, if you have any advice for David and (ahem!) for others who may be in his unfortunate situation, please send it to Me**************@ao*.com. Put something in the subject line (preferably not a four-letter word) to let me know your letter isn’t spam. David (and anonymous others!) are looking forward to hearing from you.
Until next time — Kathy
Let us swear while we may, for in Heaven it will not be allowed.
Mark Twain
