Growing up, we could never afford our own home. We always rented. With limited yard space I was forced to the local schoolyard for recreation. When my wife and I built our first house we wanted a spacious play area for our children. Our newly-poured basketball court was more than a play area. To me, it represented an escape from the poverty of my youth and proof that I had finally brought the schoolyard home. I could hardly wait for the twenty-four hour curing period as the new concrete dried to a rock-solid finish. Unfortunately, our eldest son couldn’t wait, either. He had spun wheelies into the yet pliable concrete with his skateboard. To my shame, when I saw the damage I became enraged, berating our thirteen-year-old as if aliens had scorched our precious crops with pesky crop circles.
Anger is a choice. No one “makes” us angry. (see President Thomas S. Monson, “School Thy Feelings,” Ensign, Nov. 2009). As Elder Lynn G. Robbins pointed out: “Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” (Elder Lynn G. Robbins, “Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May, 1998).
Look To The Heart
Consider the self-control Pahoran exercised when Moroni, needing to supply his troops, falsely accused Pahoran of treason. (see Alma 60:18). Instead of an angry reply, Pahoran sent a soft, measured response–one sprinkled with understanding and empathy: “And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart” (Alma 61:19). Could we school our own anger by recognizing what Pahoran recognized? He understood Moroni’s good intentions–to save the troops and protect a nation–even though Moroni’s accusations were misplaced.
We have all erupted in anger. Sometimes we get angry even when the target of our anger is a person trying to do the right thing: a child performing a chore that causes more work; a loved one defending a right principle with the wrong demeanor; a well-intentioned friend involving us in a business deal that goes south. Although we may not lash out immediately, we may stew over a situation only to boil over at the least provocation. Letting things simmer may work for a good stew, but controlling our anger requires us to remove our indignation from the heat. In labor negotiations there is a “cooling off” period for a reason: it works.
What Triggers Anger?
By understanding what triggers our anger, we might better control its destructive outbursts. My list of anger triggers is by no means comprehensive, only experiential:
1. Selfishness: When we don’t get our way, somebody’s got to pay. The Lord teaches otherwise. (see Matt. 5:40; D&C 56:8).
2. Embarrassment: We strike out at others to deflect the blows of our own shortcomings; “and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?” (Matt.7:4).
3. Lack of Self-Control: Those with short tempers rarely delay for tomorrow what they desire in the here and now. Overindulging theirdesires, they often display addictive behaviors. Prayer, fasting, good habits and controlling what we see, do and think (Alma 12:14) are essential.
4. Pride: This “me first” sin is the opposite of a disciple’s qualities. (see Mosiah 3:19). Yielding to Christ invites the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Pride rejects spiritual partnership.
5. Familiarity: The closer the relationship, the less inhibited the emotions. How often do we control our anger with our boss, but not our spouse or children? Said Elder Hales, “We can’t hurt a stranger as much as we can a loved one. We know just what to do to hurt our companions, parents, or brothers and sisters. We know where they are vulnerable” (Robert D. Hales, “Your Sorrow Shall Be Turned To Joy,” Ensign, Nov. 1983, p.65).
An anonymous author wrote: “Anger is one letter short of danger.” Another said, “I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.” As always, our ultimate exemplar is Jesus. On trial for His life, the Savior stood falsely accused before Caiaphas, yet, He “held his peace” (Matt. 26:62-63).
Love Is The Key
While prayer, fasting, and stepping away from an argument are all helpful in controlling our anger, love is the key. Like Pahoran, we can look past the misguided arrows of anger to the good heart of the archer. Even in necessary correction we need not flare in anger. Perhaps the real benefit of “showing forth an increase of love” (D&C 121:43) towards those whom we “reprove” is that by doing so we learn to reprove less and examine our own flaws more.
As our capacity to love increases, our desire to lash out at others decreases. Paul said: “…let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Eph 4:26). When we choose anger as the master of our days, we miss the beautiful sunsets as God’s kiss goodnight.
