Making Your Family Your Best Friends

Making Your Family Your Best Friends
by Claudia Goodman

The Proclamation on the Family tells us, “Parents have a sacred duty.to teach [their children] to love and serve one another.” Anyone who has been a parent knows that it takes a lot more than telling children to “love each other” and “be nice” to make it all happen. It takes a lifetime of dedicated effort and example, repeated over and over again. And most of all, it takes spending time together.

Sometimes we need a pat on the back and a few fresh ideas to keep us going. Here are ten tips our children claim had the most profound effect on them in discovering that their family truly are their best friends:

#1: Provide Good Role Models.
It goes without saying that the way the parents treat each other and their children will affect their behavior more deeply than anything else. In addition, we must guard against outside sources that can influence them negatively. For example, one of the videos we allowed our children to watch when they were young was Walt Disney’s “Swiss Family Robinson.” It teaches good morals and is a delightful show. However, we soon noticed that every time our children watched it, they would shout and argue with each other for about a week. We recognized their actions following the pattern of the two brothers who were jealous of each other, and even though they became close friends at the end of the movie, their negative patterns of behavior earlier in the film stuck with our children. If a video as harmless as “Swiss Family Robinson” can stimulate contention in young children, how carefully we need to monitor the shows and other media we allow in our homes!

#2: Speak Kindly to Each Other.
At our house we have a rule that no one ever calls someone “dumb” or “stupid” or says they “hate” anyone or anything. Our married daughter Melissa said that a couple of times she had slipped and said the word “stupid” when she was frustrated. A few days later she heard her three-year-old daughter using the word “stupid.” She pulled Bresciana aside and said, “Mommy made a mistake. ‘Stupid’ is not a nice word, and we don’t ever want to say it again.” She and Bresciana worked together to make sure they avoided it.

A few days later Bresciana was playing at a neighbor’s home. The mother used the word “stupid” in her conversation. Bresciana laughed sweetly and said, “We don’t say that, do we!” That neighbor learned a powerful lesson from a child.

#3: Share Bedrooms Whenever Possible.
In our case, sharing bedrooms was not an option with twelve children! Everyone had to share, but interestingly enough, this suggestion was right at the top of the list as one of our children’s favorite for becoming best friends.

Sometimes it was a wonderful experience, but in all honesty, about half the time, it was a very “growing” experience. Shawn and Paul (three years apart in age) still recall the time they shared a bedroom when Shawn was in high school. Shawn was very tidy, and Paul was very sloppy. Their room was constantly in shambles, despite Shawn’s tireless efforts to keep it clean. It became a source of much contention, in spite of my best efforts to encourage Paul to keep his room clean. Finally I drew an imaginary line down the middle of the room and moved all of Paul’s things to one side and all of Shawn’s to the other. I told Shawn that he was only responsible for his half of the room. On several occasions when he had friends over, I heard Shawn say to them, “This is my side of the room, and that’s Paul’s.” He wanted to make sure his friends were clear on that point.

Paul admits that after about a month of no one bugging him about his room, he became so embarrassed about how it looked that he watched Shawn and learned how to keep his own area clean. “That experience changed my life,” he later said, and pointed out that he was later to have a similar influence when he shared a room with his younger brother Mark.

#4: Spend More Time with Family than Friends.
One of the easiest ways to accomplish this goal is to have a lot of children close together. Then they always have someone to play with. However, even with one child at home (which is our current situation), family time still comes first.

We had an unspoken rule that I quietly reinforced from the time the children started school. Generally they did not play with friends after school, only on the weekends. That way they got their homework and practicing done and spent time with each other. Of course there were exceptions, but usually they played together, and we found that they still had plenty of time to spend with friends at school and on weekends. Our daughter Julianne learned a powerful lesson when she was in high school:

When I was young, we moved several times. Each time we moved, I felt lonely because I missed my friends. My mom would always remind me that my family were my best friends. And they were. When I became a sophomore in high school, I grew close to a wonderful group of friends. We began spending more and more time together, which left less and less time for my family. I would drop anything to be with my friends.

Finally, my sisters and I decided we needed to plan a “sister’s night out,” so that we could spend some time together. The planned-for night came around. We’d been together for about an hour when the phone rang. It was one of my friends, who said she was feeling bored and lonely and wanted me to come over and do something with her. Without thinking twice, I explained the situation to my sisters and then rushed off.

I had a fun time with my friend, but when I got home later that night, my mom was waiting up for me. She said, “Do you know how much you hurt your sisters? One of them said she felt like your friends were more important to you than she was.”

When she said that, it really hurt, because I knew it was true-that’s how I’d been treating them. I had forgotten to show my own sisters that I loved them. As I sat feeling sorry for myself, my dad came in. I began talking to him, and he said something I’ll never forget. He said, “Julianne, you’re not sealed to your friends. You’re sealed to your family.” Let me repeat that. “You’re not sealed to your friends. You’re sealed to your family.”

That night I made a promise to myself and to the Lord that I would always put my family first. I continued to be close to my friends, but now instead of making plans with them and leaving the leftover time for my family, I made plans with my family and left the rest for friends and other priorities. I was surprised to find that I still had enough time for my friends. To this day we still keep in close contact and have fun together. But more importantly, through putting my family first, I’ve been blessed with a close, irreplaceable bond of love to each member. Nothing can replace the memories we’ve made together.

#5. Work through the Hard Times.
You may be thinking, “All these ideas are great for children who naturally get along with each other. But some of mine fight like cats and dogs. They definitely have a personality clash. I don’t think they’ll ever be compatible.”

Most families have children who struggle to get along with each other, and ours were no exception. On a couple of occasions over the years, we even found it advantageous to separate two children who had been sharing a room with repeated flare-ups. A little time away from each other actually made them better friends! Julianne reminded me of a talk I had with her when she and her sister struggled for years to get along. I finally told her that the scripture in Ether 12:27 about our weaknesses becoming our strengths, applied to her, and that as she continued to pray and work to become close to her sister, it would happen over time. By the time they roomed together in college, they truly became best friends.

Mark and David had never been very close to each other growing up, because their interests were so different. But as David entered junior high, he and Mark decided to share a room, and as Mark helped David through some struggles at school, they became very, very close-and just in the nick of time. Less than two months later David was killed in a car accident. How thankful Mark was to have those priceless memories of his brother.

#6. Pray for Each Other.
One of the best ways to make the children aware of each other’s needs is to have them pray for each other. Over the years we have seen miraculous healings, awards won, tests passed, lost items found, and love restored through the power of united prayer. And we know for a fact that some miracles require more than fasting, individual prayers, and priesthood blessings. They require the united prayers of the entire family.

I’ll never forget the tender scene as Melissa opened a letter and discovered that she had been named a semifinalist for the presidential scholarship at BYU. Much more thrilling than the announcement was watching each of her brothers and sisters engulfing her in a group hug as they laughed and jumped up and down. They were as excited as she was! It was an answer to all their prayers, not just hers.

#7: Assign Partners if You Have Several Children
As our family grew, we found it a necessity to assign older children to assist the younger ones, since there was more than I could do. They helped the little ones get their food at mealtime and taught them to do their jobs. Even having an older child help a younger one make Christmas gifts brought a lot of joy. Having the older children help out was a life-saver for me, but even more important was the special bond of closeness that developed between them. Especially on our concert tours, I noticed David having a heart-to-heart talk with Paul, or Peter giving Christy a hug, or LeAnne giggling with Julianne. Bonds of love grow through service.

#8. Help Each Other Succeed.
Paul will never forget Christy coming to his baseball games years ago. Julianne treasures her wedding gown that Marilee lovingly altered for her. Most of the children attribute some of their school success to the tutoring and creative input of older brothers and sisters. Often the children away at college come home to attend a younger sibling’s choir concert, birthday party, or graduation ceremony. And whenever anyone takes the AP tests in high school for college credit, they find their room decorated with “5’s” the night before (the highest grade you can receive on an AP test).

All the children have fond memories of helping Mark with his Junior Prom. It truly became a family affair. Mark decided to save money by having the dinner at our house. Paul and Mari agreed to help him decorate. They turned the downstairs family room into a forest, with real tree trunks and branches, black butcher paper on the ceiling with stars painted on it, tables made from sawed-off tree stumps, and so on. I did my part by allowing the project to proceed, even when floods of ants crawled up the walls before Mark discovered that one of his tree stumps was an ant bed! Shawn mailed him a CD of forest sounds from Indiana. Melissa and Slate cooked a delicious Italian dinner, which Paul served as the waiter. Mark borrowed his brother-in-law Jared’s tux. Marilee made a corsage for Mark’s date out of silk flowers. Mark charged all his friends who wanted to come to the dinner a modest fee to cover the food and ended up spending less than $5.00 on Prom-plus all his friends raved about his “restaurant,” and he had a wonderful time-thanks to his family’s support!

#9. Have Fun Together!
Hopefully most of the things brothers and sisters do together will be fun. We all need frequent breaks from the serious side of life. The list of fun things to do is endless. Just being together-talking, laughing, joking, eating, playing-is fun.

Sometimes doing a project together can be very fulfilling. Shawn and Paul were very excited when Mark had to make an insect collection in ninth grade. I’m sure the requirement was simply an excuse for them all to do something together that they enjoyed! In fact, the insect collection has been expanding ever since-four years later! When most of the children were at home, they often organized plays or productions and recorded them on cassette tapes with sound effects. Now those tapes are priceless.

Doing things spur-of-the-moment can also be lots of fun. Christy and Julianne recall the times in high school when they needed a break from homework. Every now and then they would drive to Sconecutter and pick up an order of fries or a shake. The children frequently ran out to the backyard for a brief game of soccer or football before the afternoon singing practice and homework began.

One of the best things we did for our children happened when the oldest ones entered junior high. We noticed that the casual amusements around the house were no longer enough. They were looking for something new to do. We realized that wholesome activities and good friends were not readily available every single weekend, so we organized our own parties for Friday and Saturday nights. Originally I was going to have lots of clever games and activities and homemade refreshments available, but reality quickly set in. Steve and I usually went out on Friday nights, and with twelve children there was no time to come up with something spectacular every week. So we settled on videos and popcorn, or something else that was simple but yummy (usually bought at the store). For a few years we gave each child a video for his birthday. Before long we had quite a collection of wholesome videos!

The Friday and Saturday night tradition is still in full swing. All the children love it and have carried it on into their own families. It’s so casual that if they have an activity with friends, they can go and enjoy it. But on those occasions when they don’t get a date to the dance, or their friends are doing something they would rather not do, there is still a great option for them to stay home and have fun with the family!

#10. Sacrifice for Each Other.
Why does a mother love her children so much? Because she has given so much of her life for them. Why does Jesus Christ love us so much? Because He paid for all our sins and sacrificed His life willingly for us. How do brothers and sisters learn to treasure each other? By sacrificing for them-especially when it hurts.

Every sacrifice builds love, whether it is giving up a toy to make a sibling happy, or giving up hard-earned money so that an older sister can go on choir tour or a brother can serve a mission. There are countless examples of sacrifice on a daily basis in a family. That’s what builds the love. Here is just one example from our daughter Christy.

One of the biggest lessons I learned during my four years at college was the importance of balancing my time so that I could complete the big important things, but also have time for the little things in life. My first and second years at BYU, I struggled with trying to fit work, school, and performing into an already hectic schedule. But by my third year there, I thought I had things pretty well figured out.

During that time, I would go home fairly often for singing practice with my family. One evening after practice, my ten-year-old sister LeAnne said, “Christy, I have a great idea! Let’s have a sleepover-you know, like the kind you have with your friends.” I told her that sounded like fun, and then promptly forgot about the whole thing. But LeAnne didn’t forget. Each time I went home, she would remind me, “Christy, you promised we could have our sleepover!”

“Okay, tonight we’ll do it,” I’d tell her. I honestly meant to, but things kept coming up. It seemed like every time I tried to schedule our sleepover, something else would interfere, and I’d get home after LeAnne was already in bed.

Then one night LeAnne came over to me, looked up at me with big, puppy-dog eyes, and said, “Christy, we never had our sleepover.” I felt terrible. Where were my priorities if I didn’t even have time to spend one evening with my little sister? I looked at her and said, “Okay, we’ll do it tonight.” True to my word, I cancelled all of my plans for the evening, and we had our sleepover. We pulled out two sleeping bags and talked and laughed and giggled-just two sisters having fun together.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the last sleepover I would ever have with my little sister LeAnne. She was killed in a car accident two weeks later. That was hard. I was grateful for the time I had spent with LeAnne, but it was hard for me to realize that I could never go back and make up for the times when I had said, “Sorry, LeAnne. I’m too busy right now,” or “I don’t have time right now, but how about next week?” I learned the hard way that we can’t go back and make up for yesterday or go forward and change tomorrow. What we can do is make time for the important things in life today.

“By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them.”
The seeds planted when children are very small grow slowly, but eventually they flower and bear fruit. And the good news is that you can plant seeds at any time, as long as you remember that they take a little time to mature.

Now we are reaping the joy of the price we paid years ago. We have watched our children beg to share rooms, even when it leaves several bedrooms empty. The have shared lockers at school and organized double, triple, even quadruple dates, just because they enjoy being together. Three of our girls took their dad to the high school Sweethearts Ball, just for fun! Since two of our children are in the Midwest, several of the others have saved enough money to go out and visit them-because they wanted to.

Now Aimee is the only one left at home. The others seem to understand how lonely that is for her. Mark and Marilee include a note to her in every missionary letter they write, and the others call and email her frequently. Andrea has made every effort to stay in close touch with her from BYU. She and Aimee now enjoy a precious relationship, made strong and sure through bridging little ups and downs from the past.

Life is wonderful when your family are your best friends. Others may come and go, but the members of your family will always be there for you-no matter what happens-forever.