Clean Hands, Pure Heart
Overcoming Addiction to Pornography through the Redeeming Power of Jesus Christ
Chapter 3: Undoing the Lies about Us – Part 2
By Philip A. Harrison
The Lie of Labeling
Years ago I saw the movie Dr. Zhivago. I was struck by a scene where a middle-aged man was deviously carrying out an attack on a young woman’s basic character by saying: “There are two kinds of women in the world – and we both know which kind you are.” By trying to get the girl to define herself in a negative way, he hoped to convince her to behave according to that definition. Satan used the same sort of manipulation on me, and for many years, I believed his lies. “There are good men and there are those who give in to temptation. There are men who are above it all, and there are men who slip and fall. We both know which kind of man you are.” And so I came to believe another lie:
There are men who have never made mistakes anything like the mistakes I have made. They are practically perfect. I am fundamentally different from them and always will be. I am made of lesser stuff.
I have often looked at the prophets and other General Authorities, even my bishops and stake presidents, and thought what wonderfully spiritual men they are. I said to myself, “Surely these men have never been tempted by the sins I have participated in. They would never understand me or my challenges.” I thought these men were not only better than I was, but a better kind of man than I was.
This sort of thinking kept me from seeking the friendship of those whom I considered to be truly good men, thinking, “They wouldn’t want to be around someone like me.” I thought of these good men of the Church being like the priesthood holders Alma described, as “pure and spotless before God, [who] could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence” (Alma 13:12). These men were certainly on a higher plane than I was. They didn’t even seem to have the same reaction to temptation that I did. In other words, sin wasn’t even appealing to them.
Well, I knew that surely wasn’t me. I didn’t look upon sin with abhorrence. I looked upon sin, first with curiosity, then with tolerance, then eventually with longing. I lived out Alexander Pope’s poem:
Vice is a monster of so frightful mien,
As to be hated needs but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.
(Alexander Pope, Essay on Man. Epistle ii. Line 217)
I didn’t start out with this blatant acceptance of sin. There was a time, years and years ago, when I was repulsed by the world of sin which pornography represented. But years of toying with temptation eventually brought me to believe that sexual indulgence could be my cure-all. I used sex to comfort my feelings of uneasiness. Nevertheless, each time I acted on the temptation, the knowledge that I had been deceived, yet again, pierced my heart with inevitable clarity. Sin promised relief but only delivered sorrow and despair. I came to hate the consequences of sin, but unfortunately, this wasn’t the “abhorrence” Alma spoke of. As I became increasingly trapped, it wasn’t so much the sin I looked upon with abhorrence, it was me! Although I suffered the pain of having sinned, after a while the pain would lessen and I would again become enticed, entranced by the lures of lust. I was so weak and so different from these good men described by Alma, I felt I must have been born without some critical element which they had in abundance. What I lacked was the ability to find sin abhorrent before I sinned, not after!
Seeing the Scriptures with New Eyes
Just as I shared in Chapter Two that the lies I believed about God affected my ability to interpret the scriptures, so had the lies I believed about myself. For example, because I believed the lie that I was an inferior sort of person, I was blinded to an important lesson taught in the passage from Alma 13 referred to above. One day, after I started working a Twelve Step program, I read this passage again and saw things I hadn’t noticed before. As my brain cleared and my spiritual eyes opened, I saw that these wonderful, righteous brethren, described in the scriptures, hadn’t always been like that. They had needed repentance too. Alma recorded:
There were many who were ordained and became high priests of God; and it was on account of their exceeding faith and repentance.choosing to repent and work righteousness rather than to perish. (Alma 13:10; emphasis added)
These men, who were so righteous they could not look upon sin except with abhorrence, were once guilty of sins that put them in danger of perishing!
As I read further, I realized these verses told a story of purification, not perfection. These men were not simply born pure, but rather, through their repentance and the Lord’s sanctifying influence in their lives, they became pure:
Therefore they were called after this holy order, and were sanctified, and their garments were washed white through the blood of the Lamb.
Now they, after being sanctified by the Holy Ghost, having their garments made white, being [after their repentance] pure and spotless before God, could not look upon sin save it were with abhorrence; and there were many, exceedingly great many, who were made pure and entered into the rest of the Lord their God. (Alma 13:11-12, emphasis added)
Alma was describing the process of repentance these men had gone through, and the miracle of their having been made pure and clean by the Savior through the ministering of the Holy Ghost. And then this wonderful invitation in the next verse:
And now, my brethren, I would that ye should humble yourselves before God, and bring forth fruit meet for repentance, that ye may also enter into that rest. (Alma 13:13, emphasis added)
This time I read these words with real understanding. What hope and encouragement they contained! I could be made clean and become sanctified, or holy, and enter into this same rest. I wasn’t a different kind of person, after all. I had the same potential as these righteous brethren, whom I had respected all these years. If I chose to repent, I could have the same blessings they received. What a liberating thought! What freedom! What love and goodness our Lord extends to all of His children, even to me! No one is ever excluded from the promises of God.
The Savior’s Invitation to Us All
As I began to turn away from the lies I had believed, and started accepting the truths the Lord was revealing to me about myself, I saw how deceived I had been to think there was anyone the Savior didn’t love enough to die for – including me! After all, I knew men and women right here on earth who made a genuine (and usually successful) attempt to be sympathetic and gracious toward everyone. If they could do that as well as they did, why did I ever imagine that God, the greatest of all, couldn’t and wouldn’t feel even more kindhearted and patient?
While it is true, according to the scriptures, that at some future time, commonly referred to as “the end of the world,” the Savior will take up His role as the judge of mankind, that time has not yet arrived. In the Gospel of John, which is often referred to as “the gospel of love,” we read this statement by Jesus to his disciples: “I came not to judge the world, but to save the world” (John 12:47).
I believe with all my heart that this is still a true description of the Savior’s mission. He is still pleading with us to repent, hoping to save us rather than to judge us. Someone once said that when the time finally comes that the Savior must put on the robes of judgment, it will be with tears streaming down His face. I believe that. I think it is impossible for us to fully comprehend the depth of His compassion for us, even in our sins. Consider the story of the woman taken in adultery:
When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. (John 8:10-11)
How kind, how loving was our Savior’s response to this woman. Can you imagine a more gentle way than this to counsel someone who had committed the sin that has been called “second only to the shedding of innocent blood?” (Alma 39:5).
The kindness of His reply is profoundly moving to me. It touches me even more to realize that this is the same Savior who watches over me today. His nature has not changed, and His disposition toward me is no different from His disposition toward this unfortunate woman. He does not minimize the importance of repentance and keeping the commandments, but He respects the person He corrects.
On the other hand, we must not assume that because of God’s great love for us, He will or even could save us in our sins (Alma 11:37). We must not rationalize or minimize our poor choices. We must realize that unless we repent, our sins will bring terrible heartache and pain to ourselves and to others. Why? Because “wickedness never was [nor ever will be] happiness” (Alma 41:10). It might bring numbness for awhile, or maybe distraction, but it can never bring us genuine happiness or joy. That’s a fact, not a judgment. As we learned in Chapter Two, even God has to live by such eternal truths.
Seeing Ourselves as God Sees Us: With Mercy, Hope and Love
Psychologists tell us a child does not have the ability to see himself except in the “mirror” others hold up to him. Parents, of course, have a tremendous influence on their children. If the parents express confidence in the child, the child develops confidence in himself. If the parents are critical and demeaning, the child sees himself as deserving criticism and becomes hesitant and insecure. If the parents are forgiving, the child learns he can try new things, even risking mistakes. On the other hand, if the parents are quick to condemn mistakes, the child will fear attempting new things. In time, a parent’s disapproval of a child becomes the child’s own disapproval of himself.
How do any of us mortals, with our limited view of ourselves, come to know who we really are? How do we come to accurately assess our own behavior, to trust that we see ourselves correctly? The apostle Paul said:
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. (1 Corinthians 13:11-12)
What a revelation it would be to know ourselves as God knows us. We might be surprised. I certainly was.
As I let go of the lies Satan told me and began to listen to the truth as it was spoken to my heart by the Spirit of the Lord, I found a great sense of joy and even relief. As I continue to trust the Lord, actively seeking and accepting His guidance in my life, I hear His voice reassuring me of His great love for me. We are told “the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy [or revelation]” (Revelations 19:10). Perhaps the most important “testimony of Jesus” we need to receive is His testimony concerning us and our worth to Him.
Making the Most of this Chapter
Please take time to answer the following questions in your recovery journal.
1. At this point in your life, how do you see yourself? Get a piece of paper and as fast as you can, fire off a list of adjectives describing yourself. Try to include at least ten – twenty, if you can. (Do this now, before reading the rest of the question.) Now, number them, beginning with the ones that ring the truest to you. What source – negative (the adversary) or positive (the Lord) – do you feel or sense has prompted each of the descriptions on your list?
2. Have you ever felt you were “more powerful to mess up than God is to heal?” Does God think of you differently than He does His other children? Write about how you feel regarding your personal chances for forgiveness.
3. Read of the Savior’s kindness toward the woman taken in adultery (John 8:1-11). Suppose you were “caught in the act” of practicing your addiction and were taken to Jesus. How would you feel? What do you imagine He would say to you? Can you imagine Him speaking to you as gently as He spoke to this woman? Write some gentle words you feel He might speak to you.
4. Who is the most Christlike person you know? (Pick someone you know well.) Does this person know about your addiction? If yes, how did he or she respond to you when they learned about it? If this person doesn’t know yet, how do you imagine they would respond if you told them? Write about what they said or what you can picture them saying to you.
5. If someone came to you and told you they were struggling as you have struggled, would you condemn them? Write a response you might share with this person. Next write about how you have treated yourself. Do you deserve to be treated any worse than you would treat someone else with your problem?
Next Week – Chapter 4: Step One
We admitted we were powerless over compulsive addictive behaviors – that our lives had become unmanageable.
Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison, and its companion LDS 12 Step book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison, are available at most LDS bookstores and can be ordered online at www.rosehavenpublishing.com.
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