Clean Hands, Pure Heart
Overcoming Addiction to Pornography through the Redeeming Power of Jesus Christ
Chapter 9: Step Five-Part 2
By Philip A. Harrison
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. (A.A. and Heart t’ Heart traditional versions)
Honestly shared this inventory with God and with another person, thus demonstrating the sincerity of our repentance, and our willingness to give away all our sins that we might know Him. (Mosiah 26:29; Alma 22:18) (Heart t’ Heart scriptural version)
To Whom Should I Give My Fifth Step?
There are several appropriate people to whom you can give your Fifth Step inventory:
1. Your Bishop
Confession to the bishop is most definitely necessary to our repentance before the Lord. The bishop is a “common judge in Israel,” meaning he has the responsibility to vouch for our worthiness before the Lord and the fellowship of the Church. The bishop issues temple recommends and callings based on our adherence to the standards of the gospel. He acts for the Church in matters of transgression against the laws of the Church. Therefore, any sin we have committed that may jeopardize our membership in the Church needs to be confessed to him. This especially includes sins of a sexual nature.
Therefore, fornication (sex before marriage), adultery (sex outside of marriage), abortion, masturbation and even the viewing of pornography should all be confessed to the bishop as part of our repentance process. It is also beneficial to discuss with the bishop things some might consider trivial, such as lustful thoughts and sexual fantasizing. His calling is not simply to hear confessions and issue discipline, but also (and more importantly) to help us work through the repentance process. If a problem is ongoing, reporting periodically to the bishop can be an important act of accountability and an important motivation for abstinence.
Throughout the years that I struggled with sexual addiction, I counseled with several bishops and stake presidents. Each time I approached the task of disclosing my sins, I felt a knot in my stomach. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. But each time I confessed, I felt better afterwards. Even when we are still struggling with the actions of addiction, it helps to have someone share the burden with us. I have a testimony of the principle of confession as part of the Lord’s plan for our healing.
If you made a rigorous and complete inventory of your life in Step Four, your list will include a number of transgressions that are not necessarily serious enough to require confession to a bishop. Whether you include these things in an interview with your bishop is a personal choice. It may depend on your relationship with him, and also on the amount of time he has available to spend with you. If you want to give him your whole inventory, let him know when you make the appointment that you need an extended period of time for the interview. Explain that you are trying to do a thorough job of repenting and would like to include some things other than what you are required to confess to him. If your bishop has experience with the Twelve Steps, he will understand the role of a Fifth Step inventory in your recovery program.
2. A Professional Counselor
If you have a trusting relationship with a professional counselor, you may want to ask him to listen to your inventory. You have probably already talked over some of your issues with him, so a complete inventory could be considered an extension of that effort. Professional counselors are trained to listen, which is the main requirement of someone who hears your Fifth Step. In general, working with a counselor can help you understand the dynamics of addiction and your particular pattern. Insight gained from listening to your inventory may also help your counselor work with you in subsequent visits. Since inventories usually take more time than is allotted in a standard appointment, you may need to schedule some extra time.
3. Your Twelve Step Sponsor
In traditional Twelve Step organizations, such as AA and SA, an inventory is often given to a “sponsor.” If you choose to use a sponsor, it’s best if he has worked through all twelve steps himself. This is especially vital when dealing with giving a sexual inventory. Your sponsor must be someone who is solidly grounded in the principles of recovery, and if at all possible, has at least a year of solid abstinence from any acting out. For anyone to be a “Fifth Step sponsor,” he must have done his own Fourth and Fifth Step. Doing a Fifth Step with such a person can be very reassuring for two reasons:
First, he is someone who has been where you have been and where you are, and who has come back by the grace and mercy of God. His testimony to you will be invaluable. President Harold B. Lee made the following statement that we can use in seeking someone to help us take this important step:
You cannot lift another soul until you are standing on higher ground than he is. You must be sure, if you would rescue the man, that you yourself are setting the example of what you would have him be. You cannot light a fire in another soul unless it is burning in your own soul. (Harold B. Lee, Ensign, July 1973, 123)
Second, many who have participated in a Fifth Step experience with a well-grounded, experienced Twelve Step sponsor find it can have a special benefit, because unlike a bishop or professional counselor, your sponsor has no official obligation to hear your inventory. It is very easy to fall prey to the adversary’s lie that your bishop’s kindness or your counselor’s time is “just part of their job.” This lie can find no root when you give your inventory to someone who has no obligation to help you, but who listens and accepts you anyway.
Just a couple more important guidelines about doing your Fifth Step with a Twelve Step sponsor: Remember that what you are going to share in your inventory is not the details of your actions, but rather an in-depth discussion of your character defects-your false beliefs and erroneous thinking that led up to your actions. Make certain that the person you choose to share your complete inventory with is sympathetic and understanding. And finally: It is very important when asking someone to help you in this way, that you do not cross gender lines. A woman should only ask another woman to be her sponsor, and a man should only ask another man.
Confession Brings Peace
The spiritual reality is that recognizing our character weaknesses and the unrighteous actions they have led us to take, and acknowledging those things privately to God, is not enough. Only when we are willing to bear our witness to another person of the exact nature of our need for Christ’s atonement, are we ready to come to peace with our past, to forgive it and let it be. Nothing restores our mental and emotional well-being like the feeling of innocence we gain when we have nothing left to hide. (Colleen C. Harrison, Patterns of Light: Steps 4&5, 8)
Usually, people who have done their Fifth Step feel a great burden has been lifted from them. We confess the things we have done and then let them go. The Savior has told us that He would bear our burdens, and He will. In many ways, we can also “bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light” (Mosiah 18:8).
Some have thought that if their sins had been forgiven, they would not remember them. The Lord has told us, “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more” (D&C58:42). As far as I know, it doesn’t say anywhere in the scriptures that we won’t remember our sins anymore, only that the Lord won’t remember them.
But if the wicked will turn from all his sins that he hath committed, and keep all my statutes, and do that which is lawful and right, he shall surely live, he shall not die. All his transgressions that he hath committed, they shall not be mentioned unto him: in his righteousness that he hath done he shall live. (Ezekiel 18:21-22, emphasis added)
While we may remember our past sins after we have been forgiven for them, those memories will no longer burden us with guilt. I am willing to talk about my past with an openness and honesty that surprises me. My feelings are so different now from the shame I used to feel. The only reason I can talk and write openly about these things is because the Lord has lifted the burden of shame and guilt from me. I no longer feel unworthy of His love, but instead I rejoice with gratitude for His tender mercy towards me. I rejoice in the opportunity to bear witness of the miracle of repentance, forgiveness, and rebirth. After the life of sin and indulgence I previously led, I have found a new life, a glorious life filled with happiness and peace. A feeling of peace is a sign the Lord provides us that our sins have been forgiven. Listen to the experience of the people of King Benjamin:
And they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men. And it came to pass that after they had spoken these words the Spirit of the Lord came upon them, and they were filled with joy, having received a remission of their sins, and having peace of conscience, because of the exceeding faith which they had in Jesus Christ who should come, according to the words which king Benjamin had spoken unto them. (Mosiah 4:2-3, emphasis added)
Many of the sins I included in my inventory are fading from my memory. The ones I still remember do not trouble me. It’s almost as if it were someone else who did those things. But still, I think it is important to remember enough about my mistakes to learn what I need to learn from them. The statement that people who don’t remember their history are doomed to repeat it is true of individuals as well as nations. If I stopped doing the things that have enabled the Lord to lift me out of addiction, I could be right back where I was. I have no desire to go there again, and so I sometimes remind myself what it was like and how miserable I was. I need that sobering reflection from time to time.
Another reason we remember our mistakes is so others may benefit from them. I think of Alma and how willing he was to share with his sons (and with us) the mistakes he had made and the agonizing process he went through in becoming humble enough to be cleansed by the Lord (Alma 36 and 38). When moved upon by the Holy Ghost, we may feel it appropriate to share our experiences with others. That is the feeling that has motivated me to write this book.
May the Lord bless you in carrying out this difficult act of humility. While it may be scary, it is well worth it. Humility only looks bitter. Once swallowed, it is sweet indeed.
Making the Most of This Chapter
Please take time to answer the following questions in your recovery journal.
1. The Lord has promised us forgiveness if we repent: “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool” (Isaiah 1:18). Write about how the words “red like crimson” make you feel, and then the words “white as snow.” Express in writing your desire to experience this amazing change from the one state of being to the other.
2. Think of someone who once offended or hurt you, but whom you have since completely forgiven. Do you still have bad feelings toward them? Write about the gift of forgiveness the Lord bestows upon us to help us forgive each other.
3. The Lord has told us how he regards the sins for which we have repented: “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more” (D&C 58:42). Write about a mistake you have made in the past for which you feel you have been forgiven. Is there a peace that accompanies the memory of that act? Explain what you have learned as a result of your mistake.
4. In the very next verse in D&C 58, the Lord gives us this insight: “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins-behold, he will confess them and forsake them” (D&C 58:43). In what way is confession a sign of forsaking our sins? Is it possible to confess our sins without truly intending to forsake them? As addicts, we often find that the “forsaking” part takes time to achieve. Write about your feelings about the Lord’s patience with you in this process.
5. Have you ever gone through a difficult experience with someone and found that you were drawn closer to each other because of the experience? Sharing an inventory is often that kind of experience. Write about your willingness to “bear.another’s burdens, that they may be light” (Mosiah 18:8) and to let another bear your burdens with you.
Next Week-Chapter 10: Step Six
Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison, and its companion LDS 12 Step book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison, are available at most LDS bookstores and can be ordered online at www.ldscloseouts.com or www.rosehavenpublishing.com
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