Books

No matter how we get into addiction, the result is always a deep preoccupation with self. I was no different. My addiction demanded more and more of my time, my attention, my resources, my self. In blind selfishness, I neglected and hurt others. Unfortunately, while I lived in “blissful” denial, my character defects weren’t hidden – especially from those who lived with me and needed me the most. The rigorous honesty required for genuine recovery, though, has demanded that I look squarely at the harm I’ve done others. Some, I hurt directly through the practice of my addiction. Others, I hurt by the wholesale refusal to recognize and forsake the defects in my character. If I am to fully repent, I need to be willing to recognize all the people I may have hurt and be prepared to make appropriate amends to all of them.

Another Preparation Step

I guess when the Twelve Steps were originally formulated, it was decided that some of the steps were too challenging to tackle “head on,” that people needed an intermediate step on which to pause and gather their resources. For example, in Step Four we only wrote our inventory; we didn’t share it with anyone else until Step Five. In Step Six we became ready to surrender our character defects. We didn’t actually surrender them until Step Seven. Once again in Step Eight, we are simply going to identify the people to whom we owe amends. As we make our list in this step, we don’t need to worry about actually interacting with anyone. We don’t have to be stalled out by the thought, “I could never go to this person and admit, face-to-face, what I did to them.” Step Eight isn’t asking us to face anyone. We don’t have to decide what we will do about making amends – that is a separate process, reserved for Step Nine.

You may remember that in Step Five, we discussed the inappropriateness of making confessions primarily for the purpose of unburdening our guilty conscience – by dumping our Fourth Step inventory on people who would be hurt by it. That same warning is true for Step Eight. It seems that while some of us back away from making an amends list, others of us don’t want to “waste” time making a list at all. Instead, we want to just leap-frog right into Step Nine. However, like our confession in Step Five, our amends-making must not be done to salve our own conscience. There may be people who would be harmed, not helped, if we rushed back into their lives and dredged up our past indiscretions. Thus, we need to take time to prayerfully prepare. We need to take Step Eight.

I have heard it said that if we want to be completely thorough in taking Step Eight, we actually need to make three lists of harms done, not just one. I found this approach worked for me. Let’s take a look at each of these lists.

List One: Those I Have Harmed

On the first list, write down everyone you have harmed. If you have kept the inventory you wrote in Step Four, you can refer to it in making this list. Even if you destroyed your written inventory as a symbol of letting go of your past in Step Five, the things you wrote down then will help you remember the people who need to go on your amends list.

As with the inventory, you may want to consider your life in increments such as “during grade school,” “during junior high,” or from ages ten to twenty, twenty to thirty, and so on. Be sure to include not only people you have harmed as a direct result of your addiction, but also people you have harmed through the various character defects you have discovered in working Steps Four and Six. Since it is absolutely true that we hurt most those who are closest to us, we can be sure our spouse, children, and perhaps other family members, will have a prominent place on this list.

As I began my amends list, my heart ached because I immediately thought of my dear wife, Kathy. We were married for almost 29 years before she died from heart disease. She lived with me through most of my years of addiction, and even though I hid it from her much of the time, I can’t deny that it hurt her and diminished our relationship. I sincerely tried to love her, and I think she was genuinely happy most of the time, but I had to admit I could have been a far better husband to her if I had not been enslaved to lust.

How many times was I not there for her emotionally, physically, spiritually, and even sexually because I was focused on my addiction? How many hours did I steal from her to feed my habit? How many lies did I tell her in order to hide my actions? There are so many things for which I want to ask her forgiveness. Furthermore, in addition to the actions that hurt her as a direct result of my addiction, I have to acknowledge she was hurt by my other faults as well.

I always thought of myself as a good husband, but now I know I could have been more unselfish and more thoughtful. I could have made life better for my wife than I did. I don’t say this to needlessly dump guilt on myself, but rather to honestly inventory my relationships and see where repair was needed. Kathy and I started attending Heart t’ Heart Twelve Step meetings together only five months before she died. I am immensely grateful she was here to at least see me begin my recovery.

I often wish she had been able to stay until I got to Steps Eight and Nine, so I could have made amends to her, face to face. At times I have thought, “What can I do now to make amends to Kathy – she’s dead!” But in the quieter moments, I know her death does not stop her from knowing my heart. She may be on the other side, but some very personal and sacred experiences have taught me that communication across the veil is possible. I know Kathy still lives, and we can still feel each other’s heart. I know she is aware of my willingness to make amends to her.

The next people on my amends list were my children. I had to face the hard questions concerning them: How have I harmed my children? Was I ever too severe in physically punishing them? How many times was I unavailable to them? How many opportunities to be with and enjoy them did I miss? And what about the missed teaching opportunities? How many times did I not bear my testimony to them, because I didn’t feel the Spirit in my own life at the moment? How many principles did I not teach them because doing so made me feel like a hypocrite? And how many times did I blame them or put them on the defensive to hide my own sins? The Lord has told us:

I still wonder how much my failings have contributed to problems my children have had or will yet have in their lives. They are grown now. I can’t go back and raise them all over again, but putting them on my amends list is the first step I can take in behaving differently toward them in the future.

Next we might include on our amends list people we have interacted with in the different activities in our lives, such as work, recreation, and church. Think about your financial dealings – is there anyone you owe money to or have dealt with dishonestly? Ask yourself, “Is there anyone I would be embarrassed or feel awkward about meeting today?” If there is, put them on the list, identifying why you might feel uncomfortable around them.

As I prayerfully searched my heart to answer the question, “Whom would I be embarrassed to meet today?” I found the Lord prompting me to consider two groups of people I would have never thought to include. First, I had to admit that I had actually contributed – albeit in an indirect way – to the harm done to the women who posed for the pornographic pictures I had looked at.

While I didn’t personally operate the camera, and even though these women have no idea who I am, I still hurt them nonetheless. I participated as a consumer in the pornography industry, and thus I helped create the demand for more pornography. Even if my contribution was infinitesimal in comparison with the billions of dollars spent on pornography each year, I did contribute. Not only did I contribute financially, but perhaps more importantly, I contributed morally. When I agreed to look at pornography, I was giving my consent that such materials be produced and that the abuse these women had already suffered, continue. I definitely must put these ill-treated women on my list.

Second, I was led to think of those who traffic in such filth, the pornographers themselves. How had I done them any wrong? The answer pierced my self-righteous heart and humbled me. I saw, in my mind’s eye, that there would be no livelihood for people like them, if it were not for people like me. And if there had been no market for their filth, might they have sought honorable employment instead of producing pornography? I don’t know – that is their “inventory,” their choice to make. But I knew I owed even them – my worst enemies – amends for my half of the dishonorable exchange I participated in. As hard as it may be to accept, I know the Lord loves them too and desires for them to come unto Him and repent. Even they are not beyond the Atonement. The Lord has commanded me to forgive my enemies:

I know that no one has more “despitefully used” me than those people who have produced the pornography that entrapped me, yet the Lord requires me to pray even for them. It is out of obedience to this commandment of the Lord to pray for our enemies that we come to make our second list.

The second half of this chapter will be posted next week.

Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison, and its companion LDS 12 Step book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison, are available at most LDS bookstores and can be ordered online at www.ldscloseouts.com or www.rosehavenpublishing.com