Books

Clean Hands, Pure Heart
Overcoming Addiction to Pornography through the Redeeming Power of Jesus Christ
By Philip A. Harrison

Our first joy in participating in Twelve Step work is, of course, our own deliverance from addiction. Most of us have spent years trying to get free from its clutches. Relief, so long desired, is gladly welcomed. But that joy seems, after a while, not to be enough. We want to see others share in this blessing. The closer we come to God, the more we understand how joyful it is to see the spiritual progress of others. Indeed, the Lord has told us: “This is my work and my glory-to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39). I think “glory” must include a great deal of happiness, and He has made it possible for us to share in that happiness. Think of the joy Ammon expressed when he was reunited with his brothers after their fourteen years of missionary labors among the Lamanites:

The Lord has restated this joy in His own words in our dispensation:

What a marvelous blessing-the Lord permits us to join Him in this work of bringing salvation to the souls of men! What a blessing to stand beside the Savior in extending these saving principles to our brothers and sisters! What joy to see others turn from despair to hope, to see lives changed, marriages saved, and families reunited! This is the spirit and the promise that these true principles represent!

How Do I Start Sharing The Message?

It is such a blessing to have the support of others as we try to become free from devastating addictive behaviors. The help I have received from others has been of vital importance to me.

Some imagine that they must make a grand, public effort in order to begin helping others. Not true. You start offering service to others the moment you begin participating in a fellowship of recovery. This can be as simple as talking one-on-one with another individual who is struggling, or it could be in an organized recovery group, such as the groups listed in Appendix C. When you participate in such a group, you admit by your mere presence that you are looking for help. Even that humble admission is a testimony which strengthens and encourages others. It embodies the hope that recovery is possible, and is worth seeking.

When you begin to share your own story with others, you might start by describing the devastation addiction has caused in your life. This, too, is comfort to others, for in hearing your story they understand they are not alone. As you begin to have success in allowing the Lord to rescue you from acting out, you have more to share, including the testimony that relief is possible, that a person can be tempted without having to give in to the temptation. Those first experiences of being saved from acting out eventually grow into consistent abstinence, which is what most of us were seeking when we first admitted we needed help. As you are able to bear testimony of continuing abstinence, you serve as a beacon of hope to those who are still struggling. None of this requires great understanding of philosophical or religious doctrines. It simply grows from telling your story as it unfolds and progresses. The stories of others who are recovering become our first lessons in recovery. They allow hope, which may have seriously dimmed, to be rekindled. In fact, our personal story is the most effective way to carry the message. One member of SA expressed it this way:

Being Sure We’re “Twelve-Stepping”-Not “Two-Stepping”

Often, upon finding the hope and promised relief in learning these true principles, many of us get very excited-for the “other guy’s” sake. After all, we can immediately think of a dozen people who really need this! We have the reaction: “Wow, I’ve got to tell ‘so-and-so’ about this!” I admit, this may not be the first reaction of a sex addict as often as it is with other kinds of addicts because of the heightened level of shame we have to get over, but even among us it happens. Starting in AA long ago, this premature zeal-this sharing a message we haven’t yet applied to ourselves-became known as “two-stepping.” In other words, the new enthusiast reduces the twelve steps to two-hearing and then sharing-conveniently leap-frogging over the personal challenge represented in each of the ten intermediate steps. However, in the Savior’s own words, preserved for us in Luke 22:32, we find His own counsel given to Peter, but perfectly fitting for us: “When thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.”

I have to admit I have been tempted myself to apply a new principle or practice I have learned to someone else before I embraced it and internalized it for my own sake. As soon as a new precept would dawn on me, I would immediately begin to hear the adversary’s efforts to distract me from my own need for salvation by reminding me of someone else’s need. I would read or hear some new principle and instantly think, “That’s a really great thought. I should use that in a talk or a lesson,” or even, “I should write a book about that!”

One thing the Twelve Steps inevitably teach us is the lesson of humility, which is essential to learning these principles for ourselves. I am humbled and grateful to say that as I continued to work the steps, I eventually realized I could only carry to others the portion of the message I had lived. I had to be able to say, unequivocally, that I was consistently practicing what I was recommending to others. Meanwhile,  I needed to focus on the only salvation I could work out-my own.

Hyrum Smith, the Prophet’s brother, may have had this same overly enthusiastic desire to prematurely share the message of the dawning restoration. In May, 1829, before the Church had been organized, before the translation of the Book of Mormon was finished, the Lord, through the Prophet Joseph, gave Hyrum this revelation:

Though it is humorous, the old adage is also true that “nobody has all the answers like an addict with two weeks of sobriety.” It takes time for recovery to mature.

Becoming Ready To Carry The Message

The effect of working the steps is simply the result of repenting at a heart-deep level. In admitting our powerlessness, our need for our Savior, and in deciding to trust Him, we began our journey of repentance. Admitting our actions and our faults and making what amends we could helped us “clear away the wreckage of the past.” Continuing our inventory and increasing our constant contact with the Lord helps us prevent the smaller mistakes of today from growing into larger ones. If we have taken these steps in depth, we can expect the same miracle that blessed the lives of King Benjamin’s people when they repented of their sins.

These principles apply in our day as much as at any time in the history of the earth. The Lord will reach out to heal each one of us in the same way He did the people of King Benjamin. Through applying the detailed repentance process outlined in the Twelve Steps, I have found the same joy Benjamin’s people found. I have experienced that same peace of conscience. The feelings of shame that followed me through all the years of my enslavement in sexual addiction are washed away in the Savior’s forgiveness. As a result, I not only have the desire to share this message with you, I find myself able to bare my soul in this open forum, knowing that even if some find reason to criticize me for it or for my past, I am all right, because I am right with God. “If God be for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31).

This desire to share the glorious experience of redemption the Lord has wrought in our lives is the natural fruit of the healing process. When we are cleansed by the Spirit of the Lord, shame leaves us and we want to talk with others to share the miracle of our forgiveness with them. We also want to share the growth we have experienced, but most of all, we want to share the joy. We become like Alma, who shared so honestly about his past sins and his marvelous conversion.

When Our Attempts To Help Don’t Seem To Work

To face the whole truth, however, we must admit that wherever there is the potential for joy, there is also the potential for sorrow. These opposites must necessarily exist (2 Nephi 2). Thus, when we seek to help others, we also risk experiencing sorrow and pain, because not all will hear the message, nor join us in rejoicing in recovery. One of my earliest attempts to carry the message comes to mind.

A few years ago, a man I knew got himself into trouble through sexual sin. He held a position of leadership in the Church and was quickly excommunicated. His transgression was also a violation of the law, and he had been arrested and charged with a crime. When I learned about his sad situation, I wanted to talk with him. He was still at home, waiting for his trial. I knew it was very unlikely that the act which had caught the public’s attention was the first time he had given in to sexual temptation. There had to have been a series of lesser sexual sins paving the way for his ultimate downfall. It seemed obvious to me that this man was caught in sexual addiction. I thought perhaps I could help. I had read in Alcoholics Anonymous that the best time to approach someone is often when they have hit bottom, and this man had surely hit a terrible bottom.

When I telephoned him, he seemed nervous and reluctant to see me, but I reassured him my intent was friendly. He finally agreed, so I went to his home and expressed my love for him. I was slightly surprised to learn that several others had done the same. I then shared with him my story of sexual addiction and the recovery I was finding in attending Twelve Step meetings and studying the scriptures and the Twelve Step literature. I had taken with me a couple of books that had helped me a great deal, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage and the SA White Book, Sexaholics Anonymous. I was willing to give them to him for free, but he insisted on paying for them. I told him of the local Heart t’ Heart support meetings, but he declined the invitation to attend, explaining that legal action against him was still pending, and he had to be careful about what he did in public that might influence that judgment (despite the fact that the identities of people who attend Heart t’ Heart or any other Twelve Step meetings are kept strictly confidential). I encouraged him to read and study the materials I had brought, and then I left after expressing once more my love for him and my testimony that God could help him overcome his difficulties.

You can imagine my disappointment when, within a week, he called me back, saying he had to return the books. “I need the money more than I need the books,” he claimed. He probably did need the money, since he had lost his job as a result of his actions, but in my mind I screamed, “No! There is nothing on earth you need more than these principles at this point in your life. They will help you find your Savior, who is your only hope!” But I said nothing; I simply returned his money and sadly took back the books. Shortly afterward I heard on the news that my friend had pleaded “not guilty” to the criminal charges against him. I suppose he was following what is the standard legal advice in situations like his, but I had to wonder if his plea also echoed an unreadiness to admit to himself, as well as to the court, the seriousness of his situation.

I said before that God allows us to share in His joy in bringing salvation to others. In a similar way, when we try to share this message with others, but the message is rejected, we partake of the sorrow He also feels. In an earlier chapter I quoted Enoch’s experience of seeing God weep at the wickedness of His children. This passage touches me even more since I started doing Twelfth Step work.

While we feel sorrow for those who do not accept the Savior’s rescuing hand, this is a different sorrow from that which our own addiction caused. It is a purer sorrow, the sorrow of God, which causes us sadness but does not drag us down to despair. One fact that gives us hope is that hearing our testimony is probably not someone’s last chance for repentance. Perhaps the person we seek to help is not ready to hear the message yet. That is okay. The Lord gives people more chances than one, and so must we. This may be true even of someone who begins the recovery process, even attends Twelve Step meetings with us for a while, but then “goes out there” again, surrendering once more to temptation. Our friend may want recovery, but may need to experience still more pain before he is willing to pay the required “price” of humility that opens the door to the Savior’s grace. As Colleen has written:

When our friends slip or decline our offer of help, we can take comfort in knowing that we are not all God has to work with. Life will eventually teach what we could not. I believe the best motto pertaining to Twelfth Step work is, “Carry the message and let go of the results.”

The second half of this chapter will be posted next week.

Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip A. Harrison, and its companion LDS 12 Step book, He Did Deliver Me from Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison, are available at most LDS bookstores and can be ordered online at www.ldscloseouts.com or www.rosehavenpublishing.com